Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I'm a criminal!

I can't post the stuff I've been writing about my dummy boot camp because I'm in jail right now. I broke the law, peeps.

And I didn't even know it.

It all started when I ordered this cake for our tri-ward youth activity tonight on flag etiquette:

Our special guest speaker just so happened to know the flag laws inside and out like the back of his hand.

Did you know that it's against the law to recreate any image of the flag that will eventually get discarded, tossed out, thrown away, or chucked? Flags silk screened onto swim suits. Against the law. Flags on grocery store bags. Against the law. Flags in magazines? AGAINST. THE. LAW.

"Can you wear an Old Navy t-shirt with a flag on it?" asked one teenager.

The flag expert shook his head.

"Can you make little flags out of toothpicks?" asked another teenager.

The flag expert shook his head again.

That's when I raised my hand. "Can you . . . eat a flag?" I asked.

Apparently you can't eat a flag either. And since I commissioned someone to create a flag for the sole purpose of consumption, I am an accomplice to a very serious crime.

I tried to make it right by peeling the flag off the cake and tossing into the bonfire with all the other, less edible, flags we were retiring.

But now I'm in jail.

(Fingers crossed I'll be in here for at least 30 days because just think of how much peace and quiet I would have to focus on Dummy Boot Camp!)


Melissa said...

The cake is beautiful, even if it is against the law!

Susan said...

That is hilarious.

One time I was asked to speak in Stake conference. The Stake Sunday School president got up before me and gave a talk about how we should never use quotes or stories unless they are from approved church material, i.e. Ensign, an apostle's book, lesson manuals.

I stood up after and apologized promptly. My entire talk didn't have a single 'appropriate' quote.

Oh well. That cake looks awesome!
Somebody should lock those Old Navy people up. They print off shirts with flags every single fourth of July.

Garden of Egan said...

Do ya need me to smuggle a file in for ya to break outta the clink?

You poor dummy.

The Nash's said...

So funny! It took a minute or two into his shpeel for me to realize that the GIANT flag cake that we had been admiring ten minutes earlier was indeed one of these heinous criminal acts that he was so disgusted with! And when I looked over at you and you were sweatin' bullets and giggling at the same time, I just about peed my pants I was laughing so hard :)good times.

2busy said...

I think they need to rewrite some of those laws and spring you.

T said...

I laughed when I learned about that same law - and then spent the next day at a parade where they were handing out toothpick flags, and had re-created flags out of tissue paper (that got ruined in the rain...)

They're gonna have to let you go soon - because 97% of the country is going to need their turn in the clink too if they start enforcing that law.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Thanks for the 411, you learn something new every day. Does jail have wireless, because that would make it pretty much perfect.

DeNae said...

What? So only Betsy Ross can make flags? He may be technically right, but it's, like, 87% nonsensical. And I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the laws governing such things have been updated since he became an expert. I really admire his protection of the flag; not many people are that good at remembering what it stands for. But I have to believe he's a bit out of date, legally speaking.

As for Susan's story, I wonder how her stake president felt a couple of conferences ago when Elder Holland quoted from the Apocrypha!

I was totally vindicated, myself, cuz I'd been using it in my OT classes for years!

(Joseph Smith got permission, BTW. So it's all copascetic.)

Martha said...

They should just look on the heart. The Lord looks on your intent, as it was a good one. You are still a patriot. The proof of that is that you always celebrate every US Holiday with a party and a cake.

I am LoW said...

When I was a teen, tshirts with flags were in, and it drove my dad NUTS. I guess for the same reason. He seems over it now. I reckon I thought the law changed.

Jami said...

So if I make a rectangular brownie pizza with strawberries, blueberries and bananas on sweetened cream cheese and it's vaguely flag looking , will I also go to jail? Does it have to be a real flag picture? Can it be flag-ish? Inquiring minds want to know. (Even though I know this was posted days ago and you rarely comment on passe posts.)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yes, Jami, you would go to jail. If it looks like a flag, smells like a flag, or quacks like a flag, it's a flag. BUSTED! Sorry, Charlie.

And hey, tell me the name of your town, in case I come to San Fran in the near future.