Saturday, March 19, 2011

Blogging Across America

Friday--10:15 a.m.

Guess where I am right now? Guess, guess, guess!

Thats right, Las Vegas, baby. How'd you know?

Oh, yeah, I told you.

Actually I'm not in Vegas yet, I'm still en route. For those of you who haven't taken the GRE that means I'm on. my. way.

My dear, sweet MIL is sitting right next to me en route.

RIGHT next to me.

I'm glad she's here though because otherwise I wouldn't know all the different locations in which her dead relatives have taught school.

I also wouldn't know where we are and what we are gazing upon.

"We are in the desert," she just told us.

And that's how I know we are in the desert.

"Those there are Joshua trees," she just told us.

"I know," said my son, who is RIGHT next to me on the other side, but not as RIGHT next to me as my MIL.

"How do you know?" asked my MIL.

"Because you told me. The last time we were in the desert. Passing all the places where your dead relatives taught school."

What a little sassy pants! I don't know where he comes from!

She should have been a tour guide, my MIL. Either that or a plot summarizer. When she's not pointing out important details about your whereabouts, like "that guy is wearing a hat" and that house is old," she's summarizing for you what she is reading.

"It just shocks me!" she'll say, looking up from her book, or "It just makes me sick!" That's how you know a plot summary is coming next.

So many things just shock my MIL. Things like how much smog covers Las Vegas. And how windy it is in Las Vegas. And how many people love soccer in Las Vegas.

The only things that don't shock her about Las Vegas is how many all-you-can eat buffets and hoochie coochie nekked ladies plaster the strip.

For some reason she didn't notice that. (Or at least she won't notice that tonight when we drive our three tender, pubescent, male children into the Lion's Den and yell BE STRONG DANIEL! LOOK AWAY SAMSON! Don't let Delilah cut your hair!!!)

(Okay, obviously I'm no longer en route.) (It's suddenly Saturday, and I've been Vegased.)

But fer reals! There are only two words to describe the current, modern, progressive, forward, aggressive, hip, hop, happening Las Vegas strip.


Make that three words.

SHOCK. and. AWE!

I haven't been in Vegas for a while. Like 14 years. And I vaguely recall the raunchy handouts littering the streets, but BOY OH BOY! Modern technology is taking revenge on all those good little boys who wouldn't look.

There is no where to avert your eyeballs when you're stopped at a light. Ahead is a semi-truck covered in nothing but nothing. To your left, another semi-truck is covered in nothing but nothings, tongue tagging with other nothings in nothing. To your right they are dancing in nothing in the front windows of a night club. Up is a whole line of nothing but backsides in nothing but blinking lights.

Finally the semi in front of you moves on, and you tell your teenage boys they can look ahead now, but OOPS, YIKES, GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS, that semi was blocking the big screen Porn movie playing on the hotel Marquee.


MORE TO COME . . . Gotsta go! For now.


Me (aka Danielle) said...

Vegas truly is the armpit of America (if you ask me). God speed my friend, may you survive your trip there.

Kazzy said...

It may be a slimy place, but in a weird way it is a symbol of the wild west that is America.

Kazzy said...

And your MIL always sounds like a hoot..:)

Donna said...

This is a great opportunity to have everyone go to my blog....I live in Las Vegas, it isn't slimy, it isn't an arm pit. It is a wonderful place with over 100,000 members of a wonderful church, a temple...and thousands of vital, faithful youth...I wrote tonight about our Mormon prom....take a look, and remember we know right from is pretty blatant here. Our youth are strong...Many high schools have members as student body presidents...please don't fall judge us by the strip.
love to show you another side of Las Vegas.

IWA (e - va) said...

Welcome back to Hawaii's 9th Island... or thats what they say (i have no idea who, just hear it a lot on Hawaiian air commercials)....

I heart Vegas, you can get real manapua there, ya know? but what i love even more there is D&B's (also in HI) and Red Mango (did that ever get to utard?)

When i think about traveling to vegas, i always think about the movie Pay it forward!

Garden of Egan said...

Have a wonderful time.
Try NOT to GAWK!

Melissa said...

OMGosh, there would be a murder if i ad to sit next to my MIL in a car that long. I'm not sure who would be the victim!

Enjoy your stay!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

The nice part of Vegas is no where near the strip. I NEVER go there for exactly the reasons you mentioned. And I especially try to never take my boys there.

Here is a great strip story. The BYU young ambassadors came to Vegas a few years ago as the first stop on their spring tour. They needed some homes to host some of the singers/dancers. So I ended up with 3 very nice young ambassadors of the male persuasion. I was driving them home after the Friday night performance and they requested that we take a drive down the strip just so they could check it out. I being the giver that I am agreed.

As we were making our way down the street the girl in the convertible in front of us, stood up and turned around to face us. For no apparent reason she lifted up her shirt and exposed her self to us. I could not believe it. And I was horrified. Two of the guys were returned missionaries but one of the kids was leaving in a few months. What had I done? Anyway, that pretty much cured me of any desire to ever drive on the strip at night again.

Hopefully no one was permanently scared. I myself have applied the blurry thing they put on TV to my memory so it is not quite so graphic and painful.

You didn't even mention how dang cold it was this weekend. You should feel gipped for sure because last Saturday it was close to 80, so you definitely came the wrong weekend for the weather. And yes the wind is crazy here.

wendy said...

vegas shmegas...who could pass up a tour where dead realtives used to teach. Awesome!!

I actually love Vegas...but don't have young kids to take their either. You could tell them if they look at neked ladies...they'll go blind.

or be haunted the rest of their lives by dead relatives

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Did I not write on this? I distinctly remember commenting on everyone's comments. Weird.

Nutty, that story made me LOLOL. ha ha ha ha ha Oh goodness, you know exactly how I felt. But yours was live. Oh dear. You are so right! It was FREEZING. And I wasn't prepared. I broke out my slippahs and I didn't bring a coat. I spent a lot of time in the car. ha ha

Wendy, Vegas does have a cool vibe. Despite the pdn (public displays of nudity) the whole strip is A. MAZE. ING. With a capital MAZE.

Iwa, there were lots of people from Hawaii there for the tournament. And also lots of people from Hawaii at the Cubworld show I went to last night. And I saw Bale's brother at Ross yesterday too. AAaahhhh. And, and, and, there are lots of people I know on the WE BELIEVE DVD that the church put out to introduce the YM/YW theme. SNIFF.

Donna, I already replied to you on your blog so I'm not going to repeat myself. ;)