Thursday, October 1, 2009

It's the Climb

I promised myself I wouldn't post again until I read every blog on my sidebar and cleaned all three of my bathrooms. 

It took me three stinkin' hours.  And that was just to read my sidebar.  I didn't climb into bed until 1 a.m.   

What I discovered by reading my sidebar is that FIRST: Everyone is going to helk in a hand basket since I've been away!  Wolfgang is Disco dancing, Shelle Belle is hallucinating and Val of the South is bottling, for cryin' out loud!  

THIRD: There are way too many troubling things happening--the P and the L words are killing me.  (pain and loss)  I feel like baking when I read about all my dear blog friends struggling with the P and the L words!  I wish I could send you all an apple pie, dear blog friends. 

(((AIR HUGS!)))

I, myself have been busy confronting my relationship issues. With my stuff

Can't live with it!  Can't live without it! 

That's what she said. 

I missed my stuff so much while we were apart, but now it's just getting on my nerves.  It's always RIGHT THERE trying to confront me.  Soooo confrontational--yet in a passive/aggressive way.  But when I tell it to BACK OFF because I need some ME time, it just gets more passive/aggressive.  

Relationships are so exhausting! Especially if you're an enabler like me.  I allow my stuff to control me, particularly the socks, shoes, coats, hats, gloves, blankets, beanies and backpacks. They walk all over me--treat me like a darn slave.

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into group therapy.  

On a lighter note. I searched my computer files for photos of Gigi when she was young and electric, but I got nothin'.  

No worries.  I will lay my hands on some photographic evidence soon, but in the mean time I did find some other fun photos. 

This is my dad.  It's his birthday today.  

He would have been 66 years old today.  How crazy-weird is that?  Espeically when you think he didn't make it past 36 years old.   

He was just a baby.  I've outlived him by 6 years and I'm the biggest baby alive.  

A few weeks ago I was driving home from my daughter's soccer game against Jordan High. Miley Cyrus was on the radio singing It's the Climb--fo' real--and I was thinking about how sad it is that the Jordan High mascot is a beet digger.  BEET DIGGERS!! Who thought of that? Were all the Falcons and Eagles and Bobcats already taken or something?  but then I started smiling to myself because those beet diggers really have made the best of their lame sauce mascot by making t-shirts that say JUST BEET IT!  

Just then I looked at the mountains and they looked so incredibly . . .  incredible.  I don't remember the mountains in Utah being so bee-U-tiful when I was a kid.  They've aged well, I'll give 'em that. 

So there I was standing all amazed at the amazingness of it all and smiling about the JUST BEET IT shirts and listening to Miley Cyrus telling me about the struggles she's facing and the chances she's taking and suddenly, for a split second, I felt.  I actually felt.  

Which is so to say I had a feeling.  

Do you understand what this means?  There is a crack somewhere in my stone cold heart.  And a feeling got through.  A feeling of compassion.  And love.  And understanding.  And closeness.  

It slipped out as quickly as it slipped in so don't get the wrong idea, but for a moment I felt an air hug from my old man.  And I blew a little kiss back and thought what a bummer it is that he missed out on sooooo much life.  But it wasn't a painful thought, it was just a thought.  And a feeling.  

Thanks Miley.

This is my mom and dad when they were young and in lub.  

This is my favorite shot.  Isn't my mom adorable?  I like to picture her as a happy hippie. 

Speaking of happy . . . on a serious note, I am happy to report that I am happy.  In Utah.  Can you believe it?  

I don't live in Provo, but I do visit Provo often and I am relieved that I no longer feel any pain/sorrow/angst when driving through the old hood. 

What better birthday present to give my dad than that?  I drove my kids past my childhood home last week.

I wanted to give it a big hug.

I wanted to give the whole neighborhood a hug. I was one of those annoying old ladies who thinks the youth of today are interested in the youth of yesterday. I was like "Oooh, oooh, that's where the cookie lady lived. And oooh, that's where Brian Bastian lived--I used to roller skate past his house every day and blow kisses. And oooooh ooooh, that's where I was when I found out that Elvis had died."


Then I drove my kids the five blocks to my dad's place.  He lived here in the upstairs apartment after he and my mom separated.

He also died here in this upstairs apartment. 

I wrote a story about it once.  You can read it here.  

But that was a lifetime ago.  Now we are both free of all those gobbley gook emotions that keep us chained to earth.  

LUB YOU DAD!  Happy Birthday.  

Can't wait to see you again.

P.S.  Don't forget to read this post for Kevin and JM on my serious site.


Amanda said...

HA HA! I can be first if you post really late at night :)

Amanda said...

Now, I'll actually read the post :) Have to get the important part out of the way, you know!

Tiffany said...

Very sweet post. Air hugs to you!

Amanda said...

Oh what a feeling! (and it aint for Toyota)

What a great post, I love these feely ones. And I adore the pictures of your parents. I definitely see the family resemblance, now.

OldBoatGuy said...

Debbie, how wonderful. How touching. You look just like your mom.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

I've got some tears in my eyeballs going on over here. That was a great post. I remember that house and sitting on the porch and that pic of your mom and Dad is the COOLEST. They look like models. Love it.

So glad Utah is treating you well and that you got an air hug from your Dad. Utah might be just what you needed ;-)
Love ya- Em

Barbaloot said...

I'm so glad you're happy here in Utah! Aren't the mountains CRAZY gorgeous this time of year? I just love it!

And seriously-what is with the Beet diggers? I've wondered that myself when I was busy being a proud Bruin. It doesn't inspire fear or pride, but maybe a sense of industry???

And finally, Happy Birthday to your dad. And I just want to say that my dad is older than your dad. Is that weird to you?

Debbie / Cranberry Fries said...

Happy Birthday to your dad.
You mom looks beautiful as a hippie!
I'm glad you're happy in Utah. It's not as bad as people say. :)

Sandi said...

Not only the mountains have aged well- the dummy has too! Look at you being all mature with your feelings and such as. Miley is right- it IS the climb,and I would have to say that you are making it remarkably well; letting feelings through and driving by the old hood with out any angst AND admitting to being alive when Elvis died :)
I miss the Hawaii you- but am kind a digging the Utard in you as well.

p.s. "Beet Diggers"? For real??

DeNae said...

...and my 66-year old dad just died. I'm going to have to go read that story, Crash.

I'm glad you're happy in UT, too. I was driving around the bend on Bangerter Hwy a few weeks ago, heading out of the SL valley toward I-15 and all parts south, and I was struck with how freakin' huge and breathtaking those Wasatch Mountains are.

And my stone cold, "I'll never, never, no never live in UT again" heart felt something, too. I actually said out loud (because I've always had a little flare for the dramatic" "Those are MY mountains."

Who knows? Some day I may even come home for good...

DeNae said...

Oh, and Utah is GREAT for crazy school mascots:

Lehi Pioneers, Delta Rabbits, Granger High School DeNae Lovers (ha! not really! but it totally should be called that)

Amd I noticed my punctuannotationy mistake on my previous comment. Think of it as one of those flaws true artists deliberately insert into their work as a humble acknowledgemd that only God is perfect.

Have a great weekend! I'm exceedingly jazzed for conference!

DeNae said...

Blast. Ditto the spelling mistake on the LAST comment. I'm going away now...

DeNae said...

I'm sorry for commenting so many times, but I just read your essay about your dad. I'm bawling like a baby. What a gift you have, and what a sad, sad story.

Homer and Queen said...

So happy you are happy in Happy Valley!!! My Dad died really young also, (only 58) so I hear ya! Your Dad was hot! They are great hippies!!!

CaJoh said...

Air hugs, what a great concept.

So often we are so caught up in the things around us that we cannot let those things just happen. You deserve a lot of ME time now that you are in a new home and need time to adjust. So glad you can see the beauty and let the love come in.

Happy Birthday Daddy Crash (Air Hugs all around)

PS: Thank you for stopping by.

I am LoW said...

Ohme Ohmy, you always have so much in one post, I never know what I want to comment on. Beets, your dad, Utah, mountains or Miley?

For one, your dad sure was handsome!! And two, your mom was a hot hippy. Three, your dad really was a baby. :(

Stephen said...

Another great post. Although I am suspicious of your math. I was thinking he would have been 65 today, and that he was closer to 37 1/2 years old when he died. The numbers are not really important though. It's a shame he is not around to appreciate what a fantastic daughter he has.

Dolly said...

You're a tough lady to be able to tell your passive/aggressive stuff "nanny nanny boo boo", "I can write award winning essays in spite of you!"

Wish I could do that. But since that is practically impossible for me, my reality wish would be that I could come and organize your house for you. That way, at least it would lay off with all of the passive screaming at you for attention. I hate it when stuff does that.

Maybe you should consider being an eccentric. You've got the equivalent talent that would warrant a bit of a crazy home life. Then your stuff would no longer be passive/aggressive... it would just be FLAIR!

I read Letting Daddy Die. Can you get a big air hug all the way from Saudi Arabia from me? Love ya Crash!

Btw, who did that amazing drawing of your dad and how old was he in that picture? Very captivating image.

Amanda said...

I wasa first to this blog but it took me all day to get a chance to read the other blog. I am glad to hear a better understanding of you through that amazing piece.

Happy Birthday to your Daddy! And thanks for sharing him with us on his special day.

Your strength and bravery immense, I could not feel so deeply and convey it so beautifully and clearly on paper. Your talents are clearly with words.

Mary said...

Great post. Don't you love all the cool/weird houses in Provo! We live right next to a bright orange one. No really.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I loved this post. I have been wondering about your dad, I knew it was this time of year. April, Barb, T, and I spoke of you at the game last night. How crazy that we are all up here and you went to St. George.

Big hugs. I agree with Stephan, and thank you again for sharing this with all of us. Important lessons to be learned.

Kritta22 said...

Doesn't DeAne know it's okay to comment a bunch in Crash's blog??

Kritta22 said...

Happy birthday Crash's Dad...hope you have a good day today, up in Heaven.

Do you think you get cupcakes up there?

Kritta22 said...

Just watched a COPS and this 19 yo just beat up her boyfriend for talking to some chick. She went to jail...her dad was the Jail Warden! LOL AWESOMENESS!

Kritta22 said...

I am FINALLY prego! Can you believe it? Barfing my brains out but prego!
Sorry your stuff is bugging you.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm in St. George sitting in front of a pawn shop stealing their wifi so I can read my comment box. I am s'posed to be out getting pizza. hee hee

I CAN'T BELIEVE APRIL, T, Barb and NUTTY are in Provo and I'm here where they live trying to make them some freakin' apple pie!!!!!!


Sandi said...

haha...good to see Kritta :)

IWA (e - va) said...

I totally think your parents could pass as the carpenters! Your mom is beautiful!

I love love love hearing about your dad(both post made me bawl)! I think the first time i ever heard you speak, you talked about your dad! You're not only an awesome writer, you are so brave!

Hope St.Geeze is treating you well... was it getting too cold in the north that you needed some reminding of reality again?

Guess what? I see wolfgang almost everyday.... he lives in TVA in the next building over! (I think it's him!)

Mariko said...

I don't know why I've been avoiding commenting on this post.
But here I am.

And dads are important. Your dad's birthday is very close to my dad's. Actually, I think my parents' anniversary is on this day.

Youngblood4ever said...

That song is my guilty pleasure- I love it. Gives me a different perspective on life. Clicked over to the link on your other site. WOW!

Crash- I sure love you. Made me realize we all have our own demons to deal with... but we can overcome them, right?

Jami said...

Oh sweet Crash, I think I met you on your father's birthday last year. Your conversations with ghosts haunt me. I love you.

nevadanista said...

Happy birthday to your dad! I'm pretty sure he must read your blog and laugh himself silly :)

Okay, I have lots of blog catching up to do too, but now I'm driving my freshman to seminary in the mornings, so no 1am bedtime for me amymore!!!

p.s. you always make me smile