Wednesday, October 7, 2009

My Whole Nother Story

I almost died last night.

At the hand of a single gourmet candy corn. 

I chewed and inhaled simultaneously and WHAM BAM!  Talk about a death wish!  I haven't choked and gagged and coughed like that since I stuck my head under the sink after spraying for cockroaches.

It was intense.  Especially after my hub started making DEMANDS on me. 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? WHAT IT WRONG WITH YOU!?" He demanded and demanded and demanded until I couldn't even concentrate on choking to death anymore. 

"I'M DYING!  What does it look like I'm doing?"  I wanted to scream, but I couldn't catch my breath so instead I just turned around and slapped him silly. 

Somebody had to be calm and rational!

When you're gagging to death on a gourmet candy corn you'd think your life would pass before you, right?  

Wrong!  It doesn't.  Your head just fills up with questions.  It's like suddenly all the absurdities of life come sharply into focus.  

I started thinking about things like the mysterious package my thirteen-year-old received in the mail from The Penguin Group with nothing inside but a book called SLOB.  

Why would a group of penguins send MY son such a insinuating book? Penguins aren't that tidy either, from what I hear! 

I'm just sayin'. 

Other questions were running through my head too, like why does my hub always wash the dishes with ice cold water, for GAD'S SAKE!?  And why don't birds suddenly appear every time he is near?

And why couldn't I find April in St. George so I could give her a homemade apple pie?  

Okay, I didn't really think about April at all while I was gagging to death, but it's a nice segway into my whole nother story that I didn't get to yesterday. 

I really did go to St. George for the weekend with my hub, my kids and my IL's.  

And I really did find fresh, dirty, sweet vegetables on the side of the road in cute little baskets.

And I really did make a pot of vegetable soup because my IL's LUB LUB LUB soup.

They also LUB LUB LUB apple pie so I really did bake and bake and bake all the way through conference.  

I didn't realize conference was so long but after they said the closing prayer I had baked three apple pies.  

We ate one, and I really did intend to give the other two to Shelle and April after I finished swimming and playing tennis and going to the movies and reading Flannery O'Conner and watching Cash Cab and curling up in a ball on the couch and dozing off. 

By the time I loaded the two pies into the car and drove to the ACE Hardware parking lot to borrow some free Wi-Fi and google map Shelle's house it was kinda late in the evening. I won't tell you exactly where Shelle lives, but I will tell you she lives close to the full moon.  In fact, if you turn left at the full moon, and then right again, and then left, then right, then left, it's just across the street.  

My visit wasn't without incident.  I had to roam around the neighborhood a bit trying to pinpoint the exact location of Shelle's place of residency and I happened to knock on a wrong door or two in the process.  Shelle has very nice neighbors, btw.  As it turns out her house is the pitch black one with no house number among all the other pitch black houses on the street.  

Just as I was about to tap on the front door I noticed a figure in black with a flashlight peering into Shelle's window.  I threw up a quick prayer of gratitude into the universe for putting ME, of all dummies, in a position to protect Shelle from harm or accident, and for giving me five brothers to prepare me for what I was about to do.  

Once I had the intruder body slammed to the ground with his legs securely bent behind him and his feet neatly tucked into his shirt, I shined the flashlight into his face for proper identification purposes.  

"You look familiar," I said.  

Then it hit me.  

It was Mountain Sport Man.

Mountain Sport Man is Shelle's hub who likes to play pranks on Shelle, or "mess" with her, as he put it to me while I was apologizing profusely for accidentally pulling a Nacho Libre on him.

Mountain Sport Man is exactly as Shelle describes him to be. Exactly! Except his name isn't really Mountain Sport Man, if you can believe it!  And her son's name isn't really D-Car and her daughter's name isn't really Peeps. She totally lied about all that.  But I forgave her and we talked and talked and talked until I had to call April and tell her I would have to drop the pie off at her place of occupation the next day on my way out of town.  

HOWEVER, the next day I got a really strong prompting that I should eat that pie myself. I ignored it, but every time I looked at that pie I got the exact same prompting.  Sooooo, I decided to listen to that still small voice and make a batch of chocolate chip cookies for April instead.

HOWEVER, after I made the cookies, every single person in my family got a really strong prompting that they should eat those cookies instead of giving them to April, which left me no other alternative but to fall back on my original plan to give April the pie.

LONG STORY SHORT:  I really did intend to give April that pie. I even sacrificed lunch at In-and-Out Burgers so I could drive around and around and around trying to find April's place of occupation.  But it's a lot harder to find things in the daytime when there is no full moon to guide you.

And it's even harder when your hub calls from In-and-Out Burgers and says, "WHAT? YOU HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET?" And your kids say, "COME PICK US UP!  We're done eating and anyway, it's only a blog friend." 

And so I drove home with my tail between my legs and my pie between the seats as just another good intention paving my road to helk.  

The End 

(P.S. For the record, I didn't even eat the pie.  I gave it to my gigi.)


Kristina P. said...

This is why candy corn is pretty much evil. I think Mario Lopez had a hand in this.

Barbaloot said...

Ah-Cash Cab. I have a crush on the host of that show.

Anyway---I wish you had a video of you taking out MSM. I'm sure it was great.

And I totally got to see April last weekend---just sayin:) Maybe you should get a GPS?

Sandi said...

Gigi deserved the pie wayyyyyy more than April did anyway :)
p.s. what exactly was Shelle's hub up to?

Anjeny said...

This was too funny. Not about you choking on the candy corn, I would never laugh at you choking to dead..LOL..but about your pulling a Nacho Libre on MSM. Serves him right I say!! ahahahah.

I'm sure Shelle is very grateful to you for saving her from pissing in her pants (no offense Shelle)..LOL I wonder if the next time MSM decides to sneak around the house to scare Shelle, he'll be checking out all the bushes and corners for Shelle's bloggy friends hiding out to come to Shelle's rescue.

You should tell your kids that bloggy friends are actually useful, what ya think?

Anjeny said...

Oh yeah Sandi...Shelle's hubby likes to pull pranks on Shelle. Shelle gets scared easily, she admitted she's scared of her own shadow so her hubby gets a kick out of scaring her and hearing her scream on top of her lungs, right Shelle?

Karen said...

It was way too late at the end of the story to say "Long story short"!

Amanda said...

"Somebody had to be calm and rational!"
I love you Crash!!! I had to read this one aloud to my hubby...he wondered what had me laughing to hard.

You shouldn't be watching the cash cab, you should create the Crash Cab for all your blogging can roam all over the US picking them up and quizzing them about your blog entries...see who your true followers are!

DeNae said...

I get the EXACT same revelations as your family, Crash. It has basically led to the girlish figure I'm sporting today.

And I am way impressed with your Nacho Libre skills. "You are de besss'..."

Glad you survived the Candy Corn Assault of Ought-9.

Jami said...

I've always said candy corn was nasty, but an attempted murderer? I never would have guessed. I'm glad you made it.

Poor April, "only a blog friend." AND no pie. Poor lady. I hope she was able to drown her sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

Lucky Shelle though. An evil plot thwarted AND an apple pie AND a visit from Crash. LucKEY!

Martha said...

One more reason for me to hate candy corn, because it almost killed you.

I'm sorry, but I'm having a hard time picturing you hanging around making apple pies. I thought you only made pies on Thanksgiving.

I also thought Utah was organized by revelation and the streets are all numbered in order, making it impossible to get lost. Maybe you are just used to having only three highway choices called H-1, H-2, and H-3.

I made cookies for the new neighbors today. At dinner our kids started yelling at each other and I had to make them quiet down because we have neighbors again. I don't know if we can pretend we are quiet for much longer. It's been a whole day now and I can't take it.

I am LoW said...

Why can't you guys go to St. GeorgIA for conference????

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yay! So happy to see Kristina P and Barb and Anjeny all in a row.

Anjeny, I miss you so much!

Sandi, MSM said he was messing with Shelle and I believe it cause that's exactly what she says he does. How funny though to catch him red-handed at it.

Karen, I hope you're not being RUDE, girlfriend because I'd have to pull a Nacho Libre on you too!

OMGOSH Amanda, that is the best idea ever! LUB IT! You really are a genius.

Ha Ha DeNae, I'm de besss . . . and I'm cr r.r.r azy. And I only believe in science.

LUB that show so much!

Jami, hee hee You are such a cutie patootie. I can't wait to make you an apple pie. And I WILL.

Martha, I know it's hard to imagine me making pies. I can't believe it myself. I don't know what is happening to me! It's not as fun to cook and bake in Hawaii because it's sooooo hot and everything goes soft. And there are so many other fun things to do. I am going to MISS my townhouse Thanksgiving and Christmas something fierce this year. I can hardly stand it. Thanksgiving and Black Friday were my favorite days of the year. And the whole Christmas season was AWESOME!


And I can't believe you made cookies for the new neighbors. How RUDE! Don't you dare make them any bread or macaroni salad.

And you just keep letting your family yell at the top of their lungs. You need to break them in. And have Adam play the drums on Sunday too.

You guys wanna know what I actually thought when I was choking on that candy corn? I wasn't thinking about penguins, I was thinking about Martha. And how thankful I was that I didn't live in Hawaii so she and the rest of neighborhood couldn't hear me gagging my guts out. Sometimes dying can be embarrassingly loud and obnoxious!

Low, we're probably coming to St. Georgia in May. YAY! I'll bake you a pie, girlfriend.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Martha I laughed at your comment. Keeping up pretentions is rather exhausting, isn't it.

Crash yes what about the Utah street numbering system? Well it truly was your loss to miss out on meeting April. She is the best. You will have to make it happen one of these days.

Thanks for the smile.

Tiffany said...

Now I hate candy corn even more than before. How dare it try and choke to death my favorite blogger friend ever.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OHMYGOSH guys a dummy can cook! Do you believe it? That apple pie was BY FAR my favorite apple pie ever!

Can I just say that Crash Is BEAUTIFUL! SHe does NOT look like someone that has lived in Hawaii for 18 years... except for her tan. She totally looks like a girl from Utah Valley! How fitting!

I'm SOOOORRRYYYY April, I talked and talked and talked her ear off. I could tell she was trying to exit, but I wouldn't let her. And MSM was enamored of her... well cause who WOULDN'T be after someone Nacho LIbre'd him?

But I just kept talking to Crash like she had ALL DAY and night or something? Just Me, her, MSM and 40 days and 40 nights, until of course my kids came up and ruined everything by saying, "UMMMM we are TTTIIIRREEEDDD MOM" and Crash took her exit before I could block it! She's a quick dummy!

YES Anjeny you're right girl... you're right!

Crash... seriously thank you for coming over and the pie was absolutely DELICIOUS!

I am LoW said...

For real Crash??? Don't tease me now. Don't play with my motions. For reals??? What part? My part????

April said...

Sandi, I would share with you!

All I know is I am NEVER going on a road trip alone with Crash....we will be lost forever. We would however, die happy eating the yummy apple pie, chocolate chip cookies and soup that Crash brought with her.

Are you going to save that soup for 6 weeks and present it back to your MIL? I'm sure it will be just fine, bless her heart!

SWIRL said...

eh.. sorry -crash--
I meant to tell you I was sending you a copy of SLOB! Penguin press offered to give me a few copies and I LOVED it.. so in attempt to share the love.. I had them send you a copy-- but forgot to tell you.

Read it
let me know what you think.

sorry about the candy corn--:0)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Pie, cookies, Shelle, MSM, getting lost and a full moon. Good Golly Molly you've been busy in Utah.

And "only a blog friend'? Pfft, what do they know those are the best kind.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Swirl, ha hahahahah How funny! I must admit I'm disappointed that a group of penguins didn't send it.

April, we could be a regular Thelma and Louise, us two. Never say never. We could take Barb's advice and get a GPS. We had to give my hub's back to BYU-H when we moved because it was on his fancy phone.

Low, fo' reals. Atlanta. I know that's a few hours away from you, but we could figure something out.

Shelle, YAY! I'm so glad you lubbed the pie. I LUBBED talking to you and I could have talked all night. Can't wait to see you again.

Mariko said...

Candy corn is nasty. Wax on steroids.

What? You mean you're not doing my almost no sugar pact with me?

And no picture of mountain man?

Dolly said...

I hate it when kids and hubs pressure you into doing things or NOT doing things that you really need to do. They just don't get it! I am sure that you needed to give April that apple pie.

Btw note to Martha if she's still tuned into this not latest post... I guess you figured out that Sean is still in Saudi with us. Norm asked him if he would stay another 10 days just for his dear old dad. He should be coming back to Hawaii on Saturday.