Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Okay, who, who, who is my Chinese reader? Hmmm? Hmmm? Hmmm? Inquiring minds want to know. My inquiring mind in particular.

Please step forward and identify yourself. Preferably in English. Or in Spanish. I could probably even decode your comments in French, (as long as they are instructing me to pick my nose or grate my cheese). And please do tell me what's uh, the dealio with the all the dot dot dots? Why does every comment end in 26 periods? ......................................... Is it some ancient Chinese secret message from the Universe? Do I need a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring to understand it?

Let me guess, the Universe is trying to tell me that life is redundant.

Am I right, or am I right?

For alls I know, I might have more than one Chinese reader. Maybe I'm hitting the big time in China. Maybe I will be taking over the world in the very near future.

I hope not. I'm too tired to take over the world right now.

A few of you asked me yesterday if I was done living life so I could get back to writing about life. My answer is YES, I'm so done. It takes way too much time to actually live life. Especially one as wonderful as mine. I'm ready to be miserable and bored again.

Technically, however, I'm not going to be miserable and bored again until next week because my daughter's best friend, Tum, from Hawaii, is still here with us, which means we are still partying like it's 1999.

Yesterday started at 8 a.m. with baptisms for the dead, and then tennis and then Del Taco and then Karate Kid and then we piled a bunch of rowdy friends in my car and drove to Classic Skating, which was closed so we drove to Jump On It and jumped on it and then to the lake and stood on a bridge (fully clothed) and jumped off it and then I cooked spaghetti at 10:00 p.m.

In between all this I drove to Thanksgiving Point, Provo and Kearns for basketball practices and baseball games, all the while making dozens of church related phone calls.

That's my vida loca.

But YES, I'm back, and I'm so grateful to all of you who said you missed me. It feels soooooo good to be missed. I missed you TOOOOOO! Which also feels good.

I'm also so grateful to those of you who called me a weirdie. I'm not afraid of being a weirdie. Especially when I have a cause that I really believe in. Is it so wrong that I want all the shells in the world to live in peace and harmony and stay together so their kids won't have abandonment issues/committment issues/depression issues/body complex issues/empty shell issues when they grow up?

Get it? Empty shell issues? Ah, sometimes I crack myself up.

And sometimes I don't.

Braden Bell asked if he could use the touching/borderline creepy image of a woman putting shells back together on the beach in a future book. I say, have at it Braden Bell. Just don't forget to give me credit for being your touching/borderline creepy inspiration.

Speaking of Braden Bell, I am reading his first book The Roadshow and even though there are no borderline creepy weirdies in it, it is still very touching. I think it's one of the most honest novels within a Mormon context that I've ever read.

But then I've only read two Mormon novels.

J/K peeps. Please don't report that to the proper authorities.

I'm no stereotyper or labeller and I never make assumptions or sweeping generalizations about whole groups of people or cultures, but frankly my dear, us Mormon's aren't all that honest-abe sometimes. I mean, we're honest, YES, but we're not honest. We don't lie, per say. We just don't always tell the truth. You hear me? I was pleasantly surprised that Braden Bell let his characters be so real. Like them or not, his characters think and feel and struggle with things that I bet millions of Mormons think and feel and struggle with.

Good on you, Braden Bell!

Oh peeps, It's time to end this post and I haven't even started it. Seriously, I didn't say a single thing I needed to say. I didn't even give you my Karate Kid review (TWO THUMBS WAY WAY UP!) or tell you how embarrassing it was when my daughter drove to the temple yesterday with the windows down and the music blaring.

I should probably rephrase that because she didn't just drive to the temple, she drove to the temple--past the parking lot and through the pearly white gates which separate us from them. She didn't stop until I squealed. Once she stopped I got all hot and flustered upon seeing all the cute little temple ladies walking towards us and our Black Eyed Peas so I jumped out of the back seat and dove across my daughter's lap to turn the music down. Then I had a startling realization that I was in my tennis shorts and my legs were bare naked so I yanked my daughter from the driver's seat so I could hide my shame. Unfortunately my daughter had not yet placed the car in park so technically we were still driving towards the light .........................................................

Yeah, I wish I had had time to tell you that story today, but I gotsta go watch my twins play some baseball.


Cluttered Brain said...

Is it true?
Am I first?
I beat Tauna!

Cluttered Brain said...

Ok, Now on with the REAL comment--LOL. 'Cause I am so sneaky like that.

Braden Bell he is an awesome writer.
Love his book Road show.

Karate Kid, Loved it. The first one not the 4th or 5th. I haven't seen that one yet. I kinda have a thing for Ralph Macchio.

As for your chinese reader, Could you lend me your copy?
I'm getting a TON of comments lately ending in 2,000 .............................. to. And they are linked to Heaven knows what. I don't EVER click them. I just delete.

Hope you had fun watching your twins play ball. I'm off to wash me some dishes.

You are ONE busy woman this summer.
Slow down every now and again, K?
We missed you!!!!! :)
P.S. Do you remember me way back at Casual Blogger? i met you there. I played your blog during Denae's class.

How embarrassing.
:) LOL.

samnhal said...

Ok, so I couldn't find your e-mail on here. Maybe I'm blind, or maybe you don't have it up, so I thought I would ask it in a comment. We are offering free tickets to a musical showing at the Covey in Provo, to bloggers who are willing to write a review on their blog. Please let me know if you're interested! my e-mail is, and you can check out the play at!

Anonymous said...

You know, I really have been meaning to blog about my Chinese commenter. I hope you don't think I'm plagiarizing if I write one of those....
'Cause really, I thought of it first.

Even if you wrote it first.

(famous last words from every plagiarizer, eh?)

Braden said...

Can I tell you how honored I am? To be mentioned in a post with Karate Kid AND the temple? That is seriously, incredibly cool. And thanks for your kind words. I am being totally un-Mormonly honest when I tell you that you rock!

T said...

I'm afraid if I ACTUALLY partied like it was 1999 it would include a lot of nausea and a big fat belly. 1999 wasn't my best year ever... pregnancy... pneumonia... chicken pox... ummm... yeah, can I party like it's 1993? I was hot back then.

My 15 y/o son saw Karate Kid yesterday... apparently I should have never let him watch the original... that or he IS actually the world's most critical movie viewer.

DeNae said...

My girls saw KK twice in one day. Because they're both so darn rich and don't have college tuition due in September or anything. I sure do wish I was as rich as my kids.

And the shell thing is just sad. Maybe we can travel the country, reuniting mollusks with their birth shells, and we'll video it and blog about it and will be just very, very famous.

Tee hee!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

DeNae, tee hee Let's do it, girl! I wish I was as rich as my kids too. tee hee. I would totally go see KK twice in one day if I was as rich as them.

T, you made me laugh so hard. Oh, girl I was hot in 93 too. Actually I was probably hotter in like 97. That was a hot year. If you can believe it I was hottest when I was pregnant with my twins. Weird, huh? I actually wore a bikini for the first time. ha ha How ironic is that.

Braden, ha ha about being un-Mormonly honest. ha ha ha ha You ROCK too.

Mary go ahead and copycat me. In fact, if you want to you can write a book about a touching/borderline creepy woman who walks the beaches reunited shells. ;)

Can I confess in the safety of this comment box that I only did that in my mind. Does that make me a poser weirdie?

Samnhal, YES of course. I'll do anything for free. I mean . . . I mean, I mean..............................

I can't wait until my Chinese commenter comes back.

Cluttered Brain (AKA Alexis) Of course I totally remember you and my playlist coming on during DeNae's lecture. ha hahahahahah That was so awesome. I was totally flattered. I actually remember you from Storymakers. You probably don't remember me. We even met at Borders. Seeeee how good my memory is.

Anonymous said...

The temple story? Awesome. So glad you shared.

Garden of Egan said...

OK CLutterbrain! Enough! I'm not always first......................................I just try to be.

Ya, Crash yer right? Those dot dot dot thingies are really dedonkulous!

So I decided that sometimes when I'm reading your post I start hyperventilating. Yes, it's for reals. I get so into your story and then I get reading faster and faster to try and keep up and see what's gonna happen next and then BAM! I pass out cuz I was hyperventilating! Can you believe?

Whew. Now I need a head CT.

I lub you!

Martha said...

I almost bought tickets to Indiana yesterday because the prices went down. I tried like 4 times, but every time I would put in all the names and birthdays of the kids it said they were missing. So I guess that's a sign because now the prices and super high again.

Em says we have to be out of here by the 5th. Housing was being so patient and nice with us... I should have been suspicious. Now they are saying hurry we have a family moving in. Doesn't matter that they will have 5 open townhouses. They need ours!!! I guess the family moving in is special and they want a new one with laminate floors. (All our hard work).

Well Em did make us a deal, but shhh, don't tell anyone. They said if we move by the 5th, they will do the cleaning. I'm all over that. We will stay up all weekend and pack if I don't have to clean.

Hey we are having a townhouse potluck on Sat. What are you going to bring? It will be the last one that I'm planning. Hopefully they will invite me to future ones, but who will organize it?

Did I tell you Curt planned the Memorial Day party at Kakela again. It was great. That was a while ago.

Adam is getting his wisdom teeth out next week in prep for the mission. So exciting. He's being such a nice boy too. He's working a ton at Chem Dry and helping us with the house when he's not. His friend gave him a motorcycle and now he's fixing it up. Great, just what he needs. So will you guys have him for dinner when he goes to the MTC in December? Well if he goes to the Provo MTC?

So we did 2 1/2 rooms of wood laminate yesterday. Swirl wanted to learn how so we took her back last night and made her work in order to learn. Now she's thinking about doing their house.

The kitchen cupboards will be tomorrow and hopefully a toilet.

Amber said...

The Chinese commenter is me. I'm serious. I remember writing a comment yesterday and hitting "Publish your comment" but it isn't here today. I guess I forgot to turn off the Chinese translator when I commented.


Cluttered Brain said...

oh yeah, yes I do remember YOU from borders too!!!

Don is a great guy and that WAS am awesome idea!

Don't you think?

Thanks for responding back to me in your comments.
I feel loved now. :) Crash talked to me!!!;)

Are you going to that play in Provo and blog about it in a review?
That sounds awesome!!!!

Heidi Ashworth said...

I read your comments (something I rarely make time to do) and I am surprise, nay, appalled, that no one even showed a smidgen of interest in the fully-clothed jumping off a bridge incident. Please 'splain. Inquiring minds needs to know.

k said...

no reader from china here...

just a neighborhood reader who's been lost for a little while! lol


DeNae said...

Oh, really, OCB & Crash?? Reading blogs while someone is delivering a riveting, brilliantly prepared and engagingly interactive presentation which is in no way a lecture of any kind?? What sort of wicked soul does such a thing??

When you go to tell your stories on your blogs and you forget all about narrative arc and how it can be compared to music composition you'll have no one to blame but yourselves.

Mariko said...

Okay, it's me. I'm the Chinese reader who is Japanese and reading from Hawaii. Hee hee.
Maybe it's one of those people who use tracking scramblers. Because they don't want bloggers to know where they're REALLY from. Like super secret spy CIA blogging. Like Sydney Bristow for bloggers. Like someone from your ward checking up on you.

Sandi said...

I wanna hear the jumping off the bridge story too. and NO you are a real true weirdie. not a poser, if that makes you feel better :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH, you're right, Sandi, I truly am a weirdie. I spent my day at Lagoon reading books in the Maple Pavilion.

Mariko, I'm soooo happy to see you here. I have missed you. I spent the day with Tueller and Tum and we talked about YOU and your blog. I miss you so much. And hee hee about someone from the ward checking up on me. ha ha ha Good one.

DeNae, I second the brilliantly riveting lecture comparing the narrative arc to music. That was one of the most amazing lectures I've been to. Seriously. I need to blog about it before I forget.

Miss Heidi and Sandi, there's this lake not so far away called Utah lake. It's slimy and us Hawaiians are water snobs, until we've lived in Utah for 10 months, then pretty much any ole' water will do. So my daughter clarified to me that she just walked into the lake fully clothed. She didn't bridge dive. I stand corrected. But I have heard rumors of others who, on a separate occasion, went in fully unclothed. YIKERS!

K, is that Katie? Have you made your blog private? Hmm? hmmm? hmmm? Inquiring minds want to know.

OCB, Yes, I think I will go to that play. I lub plays. What play is it though?

Okay Amber, you seriously have me going. You're kidding though, right? right? right?

Garden, ha ha ha ha ha That's heelarious. I lub that I make you pass out from exhaustion. hee hee I lub you too. You da bombdiggity.

Martha, you da bombdiggity too. I lub hearing all about your life every day. Don't ever stop. Palease. You're so darn cute and I miss you so much and Swirl too. And for the potluck I'm bringing cookie salad. HA

Molly Doe is very cute. Dontcha'll think?

Kazzy said...

Total vida loca! And I love the Orphan Annie decoder ring.... :)

Sandi said...

still laughing at the black eyed peas and short shorts at the temple...hahahahaha. I love Martha's updates too and hope she invites us over for a slumber party when she's all done. She tried to get my #3 daughter who is over there visiting KK to come and help her lay the flooring, but no such luck....I would go help if I could!