Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My Romantic Weekend (and other unsolved mysteries)

Remember the first time Kristina P. told me she hated me? It was after this post when I brought you all that serotonin surprise from last year's Valentines getaway to the luxurious Ihilani Resort Hotel in Kapolei.

I don't think this years getaway to Mosquito, Nevada will produce the same kind of verbal abuse.

It started off looking a little something like this:

That was day one of our (delayed) romantic weekend getaway.

Day two began in the wee hours of the morning with my hub filling up the car in his snowman pajamas.

Look, he thinks it's cute.

He thinks it's even cuter to sing Classy 95.9 love songs (out of tune) at the top of his lungs as we drive through Juab County at 1 a.m. Classy 95.9 is the only station in Utah where you can find Dinah Shore singing lyrics like vamoose to an accordion.

Nice try, sweetie pie.

Things got considerably better once we hit the Astroturf in Mosquito, Nevada. Something about that bright bold sun and that fake green grass made us feel positively playful.

Look ma, no shoes!

Even my hub got a little giddy

My daughter had arrived the previous day with her club soccer team.

On the way there she was approached by a total stranger at the Cafe Rio in St. George.

"It's Crash's daughter! It's Crash's daughter!" The stranger repeated several times, before asking my daughter to pose for a photograph.

Turns out it was April Ellerman, one of our best friends over her at the Diaries. But my daughter didn't know that. Alls my daughter knew was that WOW! She's famous!

The only thing more gratifying than going into a strange place and hearing a strange person say "Hey, you're the Crash Test Dummy!" is to have someone say "Hey, you're the Crash Test Dummy's daughter!"

Thanks April! My daughter finally respects me.

Anyways, can I just say how very nice it was to have a soccer flashback?

The whole thing felt kinda like the good ole' days in Hawaii (minus Jack Johnson).

Except the palm trees are implants. And they are way too well behaved.

What really made the weekend for me was that my IL's were there too.

And I'm not being sarcastic. Honest to Pete, they give me the giggles. Who needs books or movies when you've got in-laws? I laughed myself silly ALL. WEEKEND. LONG.

"No wonder you stay so skinny," my MIL told me, "you laugh so much!" And then she told me that laughing helps you lose weight.

"YOU help me lose weight," I told her.

It's hard NOT to lose weight around a woman who's hooked on JAG, hides her Harlequin Romances in the freezer and calls Oprah, Opree?

I wish you could meet her--the woman has absolutely no inhibition or guile whatsoever.

If Kellie Pickler watched Lawrence Welk every Saturday night, called Yoooohoooo instead of ringing the doorbell, and used words like trousers and picture show-house, she would be my MIL.

Imagine Kellie Pickler at age 76, on Valentines day, sharing with you and your hub and your daughter the story about the first time she heard how babies are made (wink wink).

She was in the ninth grade (WHAT THE WHAT?) and a girl from church started divulging details about her weekly encounters with different men. (ewww, her words, not mine.)

Imagine the awkward pauses and the awkward attempts to change the subject.

But then imagine Kellie Pickler declaring matter-of-factly, "she was just oversexed! After she got married she was perfectly fine and normal."


I lost a few pounds over that story.

But then I gained it back at the Virgin River Hotel and Casino Buffet.

One thing I don't get about my IL's is how they can spend two hours at a buffet and never bat an eye, unless you say "are you done yet?" at which point they get defensive and say, "NO! we still have half a glass of diet coke to drink."

But if I invite them to dinner and serve them half a bowl of soup they protest mightily.

"OH, we CAN'T eat THIS much!"

If I pour either one of them half a glass of milk they will say, "That's WAY too much, we'll share."

Every morning they share one banana, one orange and one hard boiled egg on one plate. If we go to Costco they share one hot dog, but if we go to Chuck-A-Rama they suddenly need 6 separate plates of their own?

I'm just going to add that to my list of unsolved mysteries.

So there you have it, my weekend in a nutshell (or two).

And how was yours?


Heidi Ashworth said...

Hee hee--I must have lost at least a pound just reading this! We kind of pretended it wasn't Valentine's Day. Compared to last year's book signing and party and Jami love fest at Applebee's afterwards, everything would have paled in comparison. (Sorry I haven't been around--nothing personal. The not being around has been spread around to pretty much everyone.)

Sandi said...

If I left a separate comment for every single thing that made me bust out laughing in this post, well there might just be a record number of posts set today! this is flippin heeelarious! I want to wrap your Kellie Pickleresque MIL up in bubble wrap and take her every where I go...seriously!
p.s. Is your adorable snowman-pj clad hub wearing socks with this sandals???? say it aint so!!!

The Garden of Egan said...

I think I need to poke my ears out or something.
My weekend wasn't nearly as much fun as yours.

springrose said...

This is why I keep coming back every day. I always get a pick me up from your posts!!! I may have to write about my conversation with a friend of mine I had recently about trying to get out of the "wink, wink" with our Hubby's. I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!!! (it doesn't involve a headache either!!)

Jami said...

Quick someone hand me a fan! All that steamy romance...whew...too much for me. I think I know why your MIL puts her HRs in the freezer. If you don't cool it off first you can get steam burns.

Mariko said...

You know it's gonna be a good weekend when you break out the mucinex.
Even the name screams romance.

At least it looks a little warmer there than the rest of the country (excluding Hawaii, of course).

Martha said...

So did you guys drive all the way down there, in the car, together? How long did that take?

That's so funny that April recognized T out of all the kids in the world. Hope they did good in their soccer tourney.

We'll miss seeing the in laws visiting Hawaii this year cheering at the PAL games. Tell them I said hello.

You already know how our weekend was. Brandyn came over yesterday saying how much fun he had at the beach and our party. He says maybe he'll hang out with us more.

I'm off to Josh's bball game. They're in the playoffs and have lost one. They are playing really bad so this could be the final game for them. I'm ready for him to start tennis and so is he.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I didn't get a chance to make my comment yesterday. I wanted to ask "Was it an affair to remember?"

But from reading this post obviously the answer is yes. You even have someone lying on the couch with a blanket. Of course no one is completely crippled and there is no empire state building, but it had all the makings of a great romance movie anyway.

April said...

No wonder you laugh so much! Listening to all those stories! Bless her oversexed heart!

And I am happy to validate you with your daughter. :)

DeNae said...

Oh, this one was good. You're in great form tonight (can you tell we're watching all the world's best skiers get the unholy snot beat out of them by those Canadian rockies and their wicked runs?)

I love your stories - and your attitude - about your MIL. She really is a gem!

(my word verification is "mormin". hmmm...)

Martha said...

Guess what? Hawaii just beat Utah in the Happiest State Poll. Nani Nani Boo Boo!!!!

Mary said...

Your daughter looks so cute in her uniform. The team looks like something out of one of those sports movies from the past ("Rudy", "Remember the Titans", "Forever Strong"...) except her shorts are too long.

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Pickler is a hoot, so I can only imagine. :)

DId you get my message about the TIM TAM's?

I really don't want your phone number, if you thought I was asking for it, so you don't have to ignore me, ya know.


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Miss Heidi! I'm so happy to see you. I have missed you too and I've been making like a turtle lately too . . . totally in my shell. Totally focused. I understand.

Sandi, YES! He was wearing socks with his sandals. aaaaahhhhhhhh! See how romantic my life is. hahahah

Springrose, DO TELL your wink wink story.

Jami, hee hee hee I LUB YOU, girlfriend. You da bomb!

Mariko, I'm so happy to see you too. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

Martha, I MISS YOU TOO! I really really really really do. Thank you for always dropping by and keeping me in the loop. It means more than you know. Yes, we drove there all the way together in the car. On the way home we all talked and talked about who and what we missed in Hawaii. It made everyone kinda grumpy. We talked about Laie park and the pal games. the twins are having a hard time right now. It's nice the neighborhood kids have been calling them lately.

AND HOW FUNNY THAT HAWAII IS HAPPIER than UTAH now that I moved. hahahaha I Believe it! Let's just put it that way. And how funny that you're nani nani booboo-ing about it.

Pat, hahahaha I miss you too. YOU are such a darn cutie patootie. I lub that movie.

April, hahaha about the oversexed heart. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. That's alls I'm gonna say. OH, but I could say soooo much more. I could tell you stories till the cows come home on that topic.

Thanks DeNae, that means a lot coming from such a PRO like you.

Mary, you're right. I love that image.

LoW, I've already conversed with you today. In fact I just got a text and I was sure it was from you. You should text me just for the helk of it.

SWIRL said...

That looked like FUN astroterf... was in elastic? They seemed to be jumping soooo high?

and I don't know if we are happier in the townhouses! we just had a swabble blown way out of proportion!!! but you've lived/know the drama...

all's better now... nothing Martha can't fix with a good ol potluck!

T said...

nothin' says lovin' like a nebulizer and sponge-bob... glad you had fun eventually.

Anjeny said...

So, I read the post, laughing out so loud and yes, probably lost a pound or so then, I have to read all the comments and taking my sweet time at it and then when I'm ready to comment, I can't for the life of me remember what I read...LOL. kidding

I think Al was right when he thought he was cute filling up gas in his snowman pajamas...LOL...then again, maybe my view on things are kind twisted.

Your MIL sounds like such a cutie, a real keeper. I'm sure she keeps things interesting and I bet she knows how much you all are missing Hawaii so she's been trying her hardest to keep things light. She deserved some hugs and pinching on the cheeks you know.

Swirl and I made valentine dinner for the hubs on Friday night...I wrote a post about it on my blog.

Skeet said...

Crash, Great post. Is it bad for me to feel good that you didn't have the MOST romantic weekend ever? My weekend started off with an arguement with 'my hub' that went something like this.... I said,"I know what I would like for Valentines day. A massage. This lady does them for $40 dollars and I hear she's awesome." Then he said, "I'm NOT paying for a massage. I can give you one myself." Then I said, "Well, that's fine, then you can get me whatever you want, just as long as you get me SOMETHING." Soooo, he says, "I don't have any money. I can't believe you want me to go into debt for Valentines day." SOOOOOOOOO, I said, "I can't believe that after 14 years of marraige you don't know that I DO want you to go into debt for Valentines Day!" Then he disappeared downstairs for about 20 minutes and when he reappeared he threw me the business card I had given him for the massage lady and said, "Here, are you happy? I got you a massage." Then he stormed out mumbling.....Happy Valentines Day to you. :(

Truth is: YES I am happy and I can't wait to go get my massage. :)

BTW: Today I went to cuz I saw that she has a new show on HGTV. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I didn't get it. You are WAY funnier, and cuter. I think YOU should have your own show.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I thought you were gonna talk to the Hubs about those pj pants...'cause I don't know. I've never been anywhere in Utah but the airport but that really is a little odd.

The backdrop to the soccer was beautiful (minus the plam trees). You know I've never been to the desert (did I even spell that correctly?? I think I wrote the thing you eat after dinner...)

Anyway. Kentucky is so much closer to Utah now so I say you have to road trip this summer. We could meet half way and be ourselves (you know, weird...) you could drag Shelle along and any other unwilling victim you could find. Sounds nice doesn't it? A little long distance road trip holding someone hostage.

BTW - all my blog comments are now moderated (so I did get yours:) . Some spammer thinks my site is all about the p* r n. I get some really pretty messages on a daily basis.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

OH! Are you going to blogher in July (or is it August? Egads I have a ticket and don't even know.)

Cause you should. We need to meet CTD!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Andrea, ha ha about the PJ's. I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!

So, that is so cool that you're in Kentucky. I've always wanted to go. Wouldn't it be so fun to do a road trip. SERIOUSLY! Just think of the blog post potential. So much girl time. The giggling alone would help us drop about 20 lbs. Let's think on it. Seriously. I haven't looked into the blogher thingie. I will look into that too. Sounds fun.