Thursday, February 11, 2010

Happy Valentines! (Bah Humbug)

Love is in the air. Can you feel it?

Me neither.

But I think my hub can because he's taking me away on a romantic get-a-way this weekend. Just the two of us.

And his parents.

And my boys.

Oh, and my daughter will be there too because she's got a soccer tournament. We might try to squeeze in some of her games in between all the romance.

A romantic get-a-way is exactly what I need right now because I have had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

I knew it was going to be a bad week at our Super Bowl party when I guzzled four glasses of icy, cold Mountain Dew. On an empty stomach. In less than 90 minutes. On the verge of PMS.

Yes, I knew it was a dumb thing to do even as I was doing it, and yes, I heard the still small voice in the back of my head skipping rope and chanting, Grumpty Dumpty sat on a wall . . . Grumpty Dumpty had a great fall . . .

I anticipated the crash, followed by the burn, followed by some bloating and a surge of estrogen, but I JUST. DIDN'T. CARE. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm sick to death of not having any vices (besides drab colored sweaters.) That's what my life boils down to, peeps, DRAB COLORED SWEATERS!

"Bring it on, grumplestilskin!" I cried on Sunday as I poured Mountain Dew over my raspberry sherbet and jammed a Tim Tam in it.

To be honest, I rarely touch the stuff--maybe four or five times a year, and when I do I sip it like a lady with my pinky fully extended towards heaven, but last weekend it was on sale for $1 at Walmart so I figured it would only cost about 50 cents to get fully loaded on caffeine cocktails, nightcaps, shots and slams. GRAND slams. I was slamming it straight up and straight down and on the rocks, until my son said, "MOM! I think you might be breaking a commandment!"

My MIL was there to witness the whole thing, but she just laughed and turned her attention back to her story about how she used to play cowboys and Indians with the boys when she was a little girl.

"The cowboys always won," My FIL said and then my MIL winked.

"We also used to play Army against the Japanese," she said. And then she winked again. Only this time it was a double wink.

Wink, wink, like that.

I just kept my mouth shut and poured myself another drink.

The week went downhill from there.

I tried to salvage it by attending a yoga class, but this particular class did jump-ups and hand-stands, which is to say we had to jump from a down-dog position into a handstand. I haven't done a hand stand since I was ten-years-old. You get me? The whole experience released all the negative toxins in my body and do you know hard it is to stay positive when all your toxins are negative?

Even American Idol couldn't cheer me up this week. Or Ghost Hunters International. It just annoyed me how polite they are to all those rude international ghosts.

"Ghost, if you're here, we ask you to please step forward. Please . . . Pretty please . . . with sugar on top. And can I ask you one more favor, ghost? Will you touch me so I know you're here? Thank you, kind ghost. I promise I won't hurt you."

Have they ever considered the possibility that those international ghosts might try to hurt them?

What really gets me is when they try to speak to the rude ghosts in Spanish. "Porfavor kind ghost. Esta Lista? Quidado, kind ghost."

Oddly the ghosts always answer back in English, which proves my theory that I will have plenty of time to be bi-lingual after this life.

As a last resort to lift my spirits this week I went to the temple. Instead of feeling better I just felt like I was cheating on the Laie temple. I always get kinda judgmentally when I'm cheating. Well I don't really get judgementally, it's more like I notice things I wouldn't normally notice. BUGGY things. Like how I was the only one wearing a rental dress and how even though everyone was wearing uber cute non-rental dresses, no one was fully dressed.

Do they not sell smiles at Beehive Clothing?

I think the universe tried to humble me for my observations because half way through the session the lady next to me handed me a breath mint.

(It's so depressing when your breath isn't temple worthy!)

Anyways, happy Valentines weekend everyone! May yours be as romantic as mine!


DeNae said...

SHE GAVE YOU A BREATH MINT?? That's IT! I am TURNING IN my Utah Mormon Secret Decoder Ring and Happy Valley Green Card.

Who needsem? Cryin' out loud.

Sandi said...

Oh my dear crash, you made me smile, and giggle just a little. Thanks :)

Anjeny said...

Awww Crash...I am loving your romantic get-away.

But hey, I thought people in Happy Valley are all smiles? Please don't tell me that your cheeks are totally in pain from all that smiles you were showing off.

I totally LOL at the breath mint..didn't mean to, it just slipped. LOL

Anjeny said...

I forgot to wish a happy Valentines too.

April said...

Maybe if someone had offered the workers a mint a Beehive Clothing then they would have smiled. Happy VD Crash!

IWA (e - va) said...

Aww.. sorry about your week :)... but thanks for the laugh! I needed it!

Happy romantic week-end with all the kids and the IL's and anyone else who tags along!

Martha said...

You didn't even say where you are going on this getaway. The mint lady was just being nice. It would be rude of her to make all that noise during a session to get the mint out of her pocket and then not share.

Martha said...

Perry's band is playing at Foodfest on Sat. I hope they are good so I can claim him.

The Garden of Egan said...

Wow, they really are different in Utard....especially the temple. I had no idea.
I'm glad to know about the mint thing, cause I want to try that sometime.....really I do.
Ya, and about the PMS. You wouldn't have needed to even mention it cause we would have been able to tell..... you are seriously all over the place. Temple, soccer, MIL, temple case you haven't noticed-you get that way "periodically".
Thanks for the great laugh in the wee hours of the morning!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

"periodically" LOL Egan Garden. That cracked me up! Look who's being punny now.

Martha, thanks for sticking up for my breath. If anyone would know it would be you. ;) Hey, Perry always does great! No worries. How's the house hunt coming? Guess who I saw on Wednesday? Dolly. SO FUN TO SEE HER!

DeNae! LOLOL For some reason that made me laugh. Mormon secret decoder ring? hahaha That is classic.

Anjeny, the people are all smiles here, yes, but not in sacrament meeting or the temple.

My verifier says arkabl. This place truly is ark-able. hee hee hee

Now it says dehor--short for I need to de-horrify my attitude. Maybe right after I de-tox from the Mountain Dew.

Jamie said...

Thanks for a good chuckle this morning, I needed it! Sorry it came at your expense :)
Breath mint...seriously?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL @ Breath mint!

happened to me before.

That post was just hilarious. Good luck to your daughter and your "romantic getaway" lol!

CaJoh said...

Vehicle huh… quite apropo!

Kind of reminds of when I stayed at a friends house and drank root beer and ate popcorn. My body did not like that combination (especially since that was all I had all night).

Sure hope that you can get all those negative toxins wiped away with your romantic get away.

The Mom said...

No worries about cheating on the Laie Temple. It's not even working. It's not even lit up at night. And who knows when it will be again.
We need something to keep the old people off the streets and out of the pool halls . . . there's trouble in Laie City with a capital T and that stands for Temple.
Boy did I get carried away with that."The Music Man" is playing on campus the end of the month and Randy and Darcie are in it. Come see. Shiboopee!
Sorry you had a bad week.

Martha said...

Now I know who "the mom" is.

Our ward is going to the Kona temple tomorrow, but we're not because we(pick one or more) 1. Don't want to cheat on our Laie temple 2. are too cheap 2. are not worthy 3. are too busy with basketball games.

April said...

I just did a post about my experience today in Cafe Rio! :)

Katherine said...

Have a fun weekend! Did you leave yet...because, um, you left Zach at my house. He could really stay here! What a great group of boys. I posted a picture of them on my Facebook. Kelly always gives me gum at the helps me stay awake!

Katherine said...

Oh...never mind...Zach left! Have a good time!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

There is just something about the word "shipopie" that makes me smile. Maybe that is what they need in the temple a few choice cheering words.

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Crash- I almost texted you today.

More deets on your facebook. :-D

Sandi said...

Ha Ha Martha is funny too!

T said...

I'm just laughing a little at the breath mint... and the fact that April wished you a happy VD... because when I was in Jr High Health class we were told there was nothing happy about VD...

and then I scroll down and see my WV... Ungodyla... apparently I've offended your WV with my crass humor (or is it Crash Humor?)

Mariko said...

Where was your un-getaway to?
I've actually wanted to drink coca cola several times in the last 3 months. But something about it not being good for the fetus stops me. WHY are hormones so bent on ruining our health?

Martha said...

We're missing you guys today. We took the kayaks to Hukilau with Swirl and Akanas. Everyone mentioned how we wished you were with us.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Awww shucks, Martha, we MISS you all too. sniff. Thanks for wishing us there. We just barely got back from our romantic getaway. You'll be hearing all about it soon enough, but I bet it wasn't as romantic as Hukilau beach with the kayaks.

Martha said...

Well our beach day wasn't romantic because it was President's Day!!! At the beach the kids all got hungry so they started planning a BBQ. Hugh started giving everyone a food assignment to bring hot dogs, drinks, chips,... the whole thing. I thought it was hilarious because the kids are becoming the planning committee because no one else was doing it.

So... we all ended up at Swirls house with lots of food and gabbed about how silly some other neighbors are. We, of course are all so kind and reasonable.