Happy Valentines! (Bah Humbug)

Love is in the air. Can you feel it?

Me neither.

But I think my hub can because he's taking me away on a romantic get-a-way this weekend. Just the two of us.

And his parents.

And my boys.

Oh, and my daughter will be there too because she's got a soccer tournament. We might try to squeeze in some of her games in between all the romance.

A romantic get-a-way is exactly what I need right now because I have had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

I knew it was going to be a bad week at our Super Bowl party when I guzzled four glasses of icy, cold Mountain Dew. On an empty stomach. In less than 90 minutes. On the verge of PMS.

Yes, I knew it was a dumb thing to do even as I was doing it, and yes, I heard the still small voice in the back of my head skipping rope and chanting, Grumpty Dumpty sat on a wall . . . Grumpty Dumpty had a great fall . . .

I anticipated the crash, followed by the burn, followed by some bloating and a surge of estrogen, but I JUST. DIDN'T. CARE. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm sick to death of not having any vices (besides drab colored sweaters.) That's what my life boils down to, peeps, DRAB COLORED SWEATERS!

"Bring it on, grumplestilskin!" I cried on Sunday as I poured Mountain Dew over my raspberry sherbet and jammed a Tim Tam in it.

To be honest, I rarely touch the stuff--maybe four or five times a year, and when I do I sip it like a lady with my pinky fully extended towards heaven, but last weekend it was on sale for $1 at Walmart so I figured it would only cost about 50 cents to get fully loaded on caffeine cocktails, nightcaps, shots and slams. GRAND slams. I was slamming it straight up and straight down and on the rocks, until my son said, "MOM! I think you might be breaking a commandment!"

My MIL was there to witness the whole thing, but she just laughed and turned her attention back to her story about how she used to play cowboys and Indians with the boys when she was a little girl.

"The cowboys always won," My FIL said and then my MIL winked.

"We also used to play Army against the Japanese," she said. And then she winked again. Only this time it was a double wink.

Wink, wink, like that.

I just kept my mouth shut and poured myself another drink.

The week went downhill from there.

I tried to salvage it by attending a yoga class, but this particular class did jump-ups and hand-stands, which is to say we had to jump from a down-dog position into a handstand. I haven't done a hand stand since I was ten-years-old. You get me? The whole experience released all the negative toxins in my body and do you know hard it is to stay positive when all your toxins are negative?

Even American Idol couldn't cheer me up this week. Or Ghost Hunters International. It just annoyed me how polite they are to all those rude international ghosts.

"Ghost, if you're here, we ask you to please step forward. Please . . . Pretty please . . . with sugar on top. And can I ask you one more favor, ghost? Will you touch me so I know you're here? Thank you, kind ghost. I promise I won't hurt you."

Have they ever considered the possibility that those international ghosts might try to hurt them?

What really gets me is when they try to speak to the rude ghosts in Spanish. "Porfavor kind ghost. Esta Lista? Quidado, kind ghost."

Oddly the ghosts always answer back in English, which proves my theory that I will have plenty of time to be bi-lingual after this life.

As a last resort to lift my spirits this week I went to the temple. Instead of feeling better I just felt like I was cheating on the Laie temple. I always get kinda judgmentally when I'm cheating. Well I don't really get judgementally, it's more like I notice things I wouldn't normally notice. BUGGY things. Like how I was the only one wearing a rental dress and how even though everyone was wearing uber cute non-rental dresses, no one was fully dressed.

Do they not sell smiles at Beehive Clothing?

I think the universe tried to humble me for my observations because half way through the session the lady next to me handed me a breath mint.

(It's so depressing when your breath isn't temple worthy!)


Anyways, happy Valentines weekend everyone! May yours be as romantic as mine!