Thursday, February 25, 2010

Livin' La Vida Fairy Tale

Today was a fairy tale.

That's what Taylor Swift says. But I have to disagree. I think yesterday was a fairy tale.

Actually, this whole week has been a fairy tale.

Not the chic-flick kind with the knight in shining armor, but sometimes I could swear the universe is playing favorites.  At least if there's food involved.

Like on Tuesday, I went for Chinese with my mom and got three fortunes in my cookie. My mom only got one.

See what I mean?

And a few nights ago I walked into my kitchen and my niece was there making spaghetti and meatballs.

What are the chances?

And today, my hub took me to Olive Garden and we ordered my favorite Zuppa Toscana soup and all-you-can-eat salad. Then tonight I was invited to a pow wow hosted by my Stake Young Women's president. Guess what she served? That's right, Zuppa Toscana soup and all-you-can-eat salad. 

Things like that happen to me all the time.

It was a pretty fun night once I got over my embarrassment. 

"You said pow wow, right?" I clarified when I walked into a run full of Young Women's presidents.  

"Uh-huh!" They nodded, wide-eyed.

"Then why am I the only one wearing a feather headdress and moccasins?" 

Things like that happen to me all the time too. 

So, I finally decided on a winter vice besides wearing drab colored sweaters. I decided on a French vice because French vices are more romantic than American vices. The best thing is, it's French, but it's not fried, and you don't have to use your tongue.

I'm hooked on . . . drumroll, please . . . crocheting.

Unlike porn and Prozac, crocheting is a vice you can teach your Young Women so they can make baby hats and booties for the humanitarian center.

It's also a vice you can sit around and do with other cast members of the Sponge Bob ward in between episodes.

One of my favorite cast members is our Relief Society Compassionate Service leader.  She's a real kick-in-the-pants. But for some reason she was as nervous at a pregnant nun to teach our Young Women how to crochet (her words, not mine). So a few days ago I invited her and some others over for a crash course in crochet. (Get it? crash course.)

Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Can I just say how addicting it is to sit around and crochet with a bunch of pregnant nuns?

Bless their hearts.

Except it was kinda weird when my Laurel adviser walked into my house and announced, "I had my first kiss in your basement when I was 14!"

Eww, I wonder how many other people I know have made out in my basement.

Ain't it weird to think on? I mean, all that hidden history just hovering around us all. Good thing we're so blissfully ignorant.

Speaking of history, this Sponge Bob ward has a lot of history together. It's the kind of ward that people grow up in and get married in and raise their kids to grow up in and get married in and raise their kids in. And so on and so on and so on.

My Laurel adviser, who made out in my basement, grew up in this ward.

Her mom grew up in this ward too.

And her mom's Laurel adviser grew up in this ward too. She is 83 years old and she's still in this ward.

And she still bowls every week on a bowling league. At least she did, until last month when she tripped over a stray bowling shoe on her way down the lane and broke her hip.

I can't imagine it. Bowling. Every week. For 83 years. Until you trip on a shoe and break your hip.

How would it feel to always know who you are and where you want to bowl? To know this is the place. Your place. Your series. Sponge Bob for LIFE!

I guess that's the advantage of being a cartoon character.

Me, I still don't know which bowling league I belong to. I'm like a bedouin or a gypsy, minus that sexy air of mystery. 

But hey, if you ever need a "This is where I wish I belonged" kinda gal, I'm your kinda gal.

Maybe I'm a Demigod like Percy Jackson. (I bet my real father was the god of traffic school.)

Not complaining though. It ain't so bad being a Demigod and hanging out with a bunch of cartoon characters.

Some of my favorite cartoon characters live in my ward. Russell, from UP, for instance.

He's fourteen now and he likes to choke my son during Sunday School--no doubt my son deserves it.  When Russell isn't wearing his scout uniform he wears a classy black wool overcoat with a beret and white gloves.  And he carries a cane.  

My favorite favorite characters in the ward are the wild Thornberries.

They're my home teachers--a father/son team.

Imagine Chris Farley and Mike Myers. With Chickens.

Chickens that play soccer.

Soccer playing chickens outside, and a five foot iguana crawling across the ceiling inside. Although one of their chickens does come inside and watch t.v. with them. Apparently he laughs and cries in all the right places. And he scootches over and snuggles with Brother Thornberry during the scary parts.

I guess me and Taylor Swift ain't the only ones livin' la vida fairy tale. 


Sandi said...

You smokin' something tonight????

Jami said...

Three fortunes? Your husband is a lucky man. Or you are. Depends on what the fortunes were.

T said...

your basement is lookout point in your spongebob ward - you need to change those locks!!!

Garden of Egan said...

Wow, my head is just spinnin' I gotta agree with are smoking them fortune cookies that were laced with marywanna or somethun.
I was going to go to bed and go to sleep, but now I'm gonna lay awake and ponder your post....kinda like I ponder Isaiah. I don't get that one either.
OK, off to ponder.

IWA (e - va) said...

haha! I think i have a couple kids in my 5th period that belong to the Thornberry Family... and maybe one in my 6th period...

Werent the Taylors so funny/dumb in that movie! loved it!

Love hearing about your new ward incognito!

My25Cents said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing. I almost had a 'I'm getting old and can't control my bladder' moment.

Favorite line? "Unlike porn and Prozac, crocheting is a vice you can teach your Young Women"
Rare form, my sista. Rare form.

Braden Bell said...

As long as the Laurel advisor's bowling grandma didn't make out in your basement...I have to meet the kid with the cane and the white scarf and beret. We might be related somewhere way back.

Sandi said...

Okay I came back after a full nights sleep(well not really a full night since I stayed up to watch the olympics and then got caught up on laundry and then woke up at 5:30 on accident) to see if I could take it all in on a fresh brain. I think I need to take it one paragraph at a time- but what made me chuckle this morning was the part about not needing to use your tongue...haha I have no clue why. You have given me the urge to look at my ward members in a new light and to decide which cartoon character they might be, because surely you and Taylor are not the only ones livin' la vida fairy tale?! You are great entertainment yourself my dear :)

Migillicutty said...

How many happy pills did you take this morning? ;) That was really funny!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi and Tauna, I guess this post is what you get when I have to crochet to get high. And when I eat 4 bowls of Zuppa Toscana in one day. And when I get three fortunes in one day. And when I don't blog for 2 days. :)

(Oh, Jami, your comment made me laugh out loud. hahahahahahah).

But I'm so flattered that you had to ponder me deeply and read me twice in order to understand all my deep meanings. It's the ultimate compliment to be compared to Isaiah. It's like I'm practically scripture!

Oh guys, I haven't even scratched the surface of our ward members. Pat (from SNL) is in our ward. And Michael Scott. And Gollum. It's just a partay!

But Russell from Up is a dead ringer look-alike. I will secure photographic evidence this Sunday. He will be happy to accommodate, I'm sure.

Braden, we have some Bell's in our ward. If you're not connected to Russell, maybe you're connected to them somehow.

My 25 cents, I'm flattered that I almost made you pee your pants.

That's my dream, you know.

Mary said...

I think I had my first kiss in your basement too. :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Mary, LOL! You are such a silly goose.

Martha said...

I think you need to have a YM/YW partay in your basement so some of them can get their first kisses and lose those virgin lips.

I can't believe you are crocheting. Well, I'll have to admit when I was in Tonga I started cross stitching. I'm pretty much over that now.

Iwa, is my daughter one of the Thornberries? Actually I never really watched that show so I don't know the characters.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, ha ha That is such a great idea. I can't believe I didn't think of it myself.

And I'll be over the crocheting as soon as I finish making 6,500 baby hats for the babies in Iraq. ;)

The Mom said...

It's unanimous. I mean the smokin' something comment. That's what I said too!
And Braden Bell, from BYU Provo TMA department now in Nashville author of a newly released book Braden Bell? I know him too!

The verification word is
Must be French for "the rivers". Think?

Braden Bell said...

The Mom--hello!!! Crash Test, is it rude to use a comment on your blog to greet a long-lost friend? I apologize if so.

The Mom--I couldn't see how to contact you from your profile. How are you! Drop me a line at

Crash test, thank you for your tolerance, and my apologies again.

Tiffany said...

I think for a young womens activity you should visit the location of every gals first kiss, then tell the story. Now that sounds like a bonding, fun good time.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH! I can't believe I am reuniting long lost friends. Newly released author friends. I should charge for this.

And The Mom, maybe I'm smoking too much 3 ply baby yarn. Other than that, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Tiff, if we visited the location of every gal's first kiss, we would have no where to go. They're all virgin lips.

April said...

Sandi is living this right now...I don't know why she's so surprised....hehehe!

April said...

I cannot lie...I am living this too. sigh.

robin said...

Apparently eveyone thinks you are smoking something or taking pills. Whatever it was you are too dang funny and it gave me a good laugh. I need those these days.

I have to tell you that my husband works with the deacons and they went on a camp last weekend. They woke him in the middle of the night convinced that a buffalo knocked down their tent. I'm pretty sure it was some other young men but they are sure it was a buffalo. That's deacons for you.