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Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Pet Psychic

Now that I'm a pet owner, I swear I have developed a 6th sense. It's like I can channel the animal planet or something.

I'm in tune. I'm tuned in.

Totally. Tuned. In.

Seriously, show me any animal and I'll tell you exactly what they're thinking. Especially birds. Birds are easy because all birds are thinking the same thing. Not trying to stereotype, but birds have a one-track mind. They're all about "bizness" (if you get my drift). Especially in Utah. Birds here are serious about getting down to "bizness" (if you get my drift). They are almost as industrious as the bees.

I feel like I've been given a special gift--the gift of tongues--or a super power. Maybe I'm mutating into an X-Man because when I look at a bird, I can interpret what you regular folk hear as chirping. In fact, the birds are actually saying, "LOOK OUT BELOW!"

But that's just the mature birds. The baby birds are saying, "Nani nani boo boo" and the teenage birds are saying "Take that, you loser!" And all the silly gooses are singing, "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is."

A word to the wise. From the wise: If you get annoyed because every single day you're out on the patio scrubbing doo doo splotches from your spray-painted, forest-green, fake plastic chairs, do what I do. Think of it as a message from the universe telling you to move you're freakin' chairs!!!!

Birds are just the messenger. They execute the metaphor for life. When life tries to hand you doo doo, get out of the way! You don't have to take that from life!

You're welcome.

I never noticed this about birds in Hawaii. I was much more tuned into the insect planet in Hawaii. I recently downloaded my youngest son's $25 digital camera, which held 610 of the most unflattering images of our life in Hawaii over the past two years. Allow me a few examples:

This roach was thinking "Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm la carucaracha man!"

But then he never went up against my running shoes.

Okay, now gird up your loins for this next shot. At first glance, it appears to be a creepy Cane spider, the likes of which never failed to send shivers up and down my spine, especially when it was perched on the toilet paper roll in the middle of the night while I was doing my bizness.

But upon closer inspection . . .

EEEEEEEEK! AAAACCCCK!!

Can't believe my son had the composure to capture this photographic evidence while his twin brother's life was in danger.

Okay, now that I've fully grossed you out, here's my favorite shot of my magic puppy, Lulu.

She is thinking, "Thanks for the freedom, Dummy, but I'd rather just chill here on this JOY mat, since that's what I am, a bundle of joy, who brings you joy, and your joy is my joy, so . . .

This is how I found her an hour later. Is that the most adorable thing you've ever seen, or what? Now she's thinking, "Like I said before, I appreciate the freedom, but my cage is kinda cozy too."



13 comments:

val of the south said...

:-P

val of the south said...

Thank you for the adorable puppy pictures after the HORRIFIC insect photos. Alls well that ends well!!

T said...

I must admit that I'm just a little freaked out by the spider pic... give me a few weeks and I might find that amusing... right now I think I have to go make sure M.O.T.H. is spraying the bug killer in my bedroom!

Garden of Egan said...

Spiders are my Hell. Seriously. I didn't just swear on your blog.
Hell is a place and if I end up there I just know it is gonna be filled with spiders. I hate them.
I know I have nightmares tonight.
Thanks.

Even though you've given me scary dreams for the night.....
I lub your Lulu!

Some day she needs to me Hono!

Hahaha, I'm so punny.

Martha said...

We currently have a spider living in our van that we can't catch. Everytime we get in it jumps on someone, they freak out, and it runs under the front dashboard.

I'm still in Indiana. I just made Strawberry Crunch because my bro in law loves it and he bought me lunch today, plus he's nice.

I got to play tennis with my bro Tom today. I was so flattered because his friend said, "Oh this is the sister you always talk about that is so good at tennis". And I said, "What, I'm the one always telling everyone how good Tom is at tennis!"

You're making me miss my puppy too. But I miss MY little Tommy more. When I called him today he said that the Blums have taught him how to play hockey and that it's his favorite sport now. But what about basketball and tennis? "No only hockey" he says. Those Blums have brainwashed him!!!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Weren't there any pictures of naked beaches on the that camera? Just wonderin.

This was a great sweet and sour post. good job.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Nutty, there were no nudity pictures, thank goodness. But every nook and cranny of our house was revealed in its not so paradisical state. Also, there were several photos of me crying during August Rush. I'm not a pretty crier. I wish I had the guts to provide photographic evidence.

Martha, how much fun! I'm so sorry, though, that the Blums have brainwashed little Tommy. When do you go home? Can you drop me some Strawberry Crunch on your way over? Your spider story kicks butt on my spider story. EWWW. That's creepy. Please say it's not a cane spider. Hey, I want you to upload Nana's thug story to Youtube so I can post it on my blog. Please, please, pretty please.

Hey, Garden. I get to meet you next week. Woot woo! Can't wait. You too, T. I'm going to bring some fake plastic spiders to prank you. hee hee

Val, ha ha Nice use of the Shakespeare quote. Shall we go to IKEA next week?

DeNae said...

So, we had lived in our house in Puerto Rico maybe two weeks, and we went out to the van, and it was FILLED - we're talking THOUSANDS -with ants. So we did what any newcomer to the island would do: Loaded our kids into the van and drove to the base, where we used the service station's vacuums to suck the little suckers to oblivion.

Old timers on the island would have called an exterminator. But we were 'enduring', like good little soldiers.

And Lulu is too cute for words. Good thing you've got pix instead!

Donna said...

O CTD - Please come and speak to the love starved, worm deprived baby birds next to my door in a poop filled nest (honestly mother birds read a book and get a better clue on nest building..poop as part of a nest foundation?)
They need a surrogate..I applied and was denied.

April said...

The little darling birds that nested in our porch light flew the coop and didn't even say thanks! How rude! They left quite the mess too! I must say that your Lulu is almost as cute as my Chloe. ALRIGHT! She's cuter than my Chloe, cause my Chloe is getting old and gray and there is nothing cuter than a puppy! Darn it! =)

Kazzy said...

Whenever I DON'T park in covered parking I am sorry. Darn birds!

And again, that puppy is scrumptious!

Martha said...

I'm here in wonderful Elkhart until Tuesday. The first 5 days I was here it rained all day. Now today that I'm ready to go back to Hawaii where the weather is perfect and never this hot. But, I do love the trees. They are such nice trees.

Ok, when I get back I'll upload the video or just try to email it. How many Megs can your email do?

They have now done tons more.

Nan made a three pointer yesterday. She was so proud!! I could never shoot that far when I was 11.

acte gratuit said...

Ick! Good thing you ended on a cute puppy note!