The Pet Psychic

Now that I'm a pet owner, I swear I have developed a 6th sense. It's like I can channel the animal planet or something.

I'm in tune. I'm tuned in.

Totally. Tuned. In.

Seriously, show me any animal and I'll tell you exactly what they're thinking. Especially birds. Birds are easy because all birds are thinking the same thing. Not trying to stereotype, but birds have a one-track mind. They're all about "bizness" (if you get my drift). Especially in Utah. Birds here are serious about getting down to "bizness" (if you get my drift). They are almost as industrious as the bees.

I feel like I've been given a special gift--the gift of tongues--or a super power. Maybe I'm mutating into an X-Man because when I look at a bird, I can interpret what you regular folk hear as chirping. In fact, the birds are actually saying, "LOOK OUT BELOW!"

But that's just the mature birds. The baby birds are saying, "Nani nani boo boo" and the teenage birds are saying "Take that, you loser!" And all the silly gooses are singing, "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is."

A word to the wise. From the wise: If you get annoyed because every single day you're out on the patio scrubbing doo doo splotches from your spray-painted, forest-green, fake plastic chairs, do what I do. Think of it as a message from the universe telling you to move you're freakin' chairs!!!!

Birds are just the messenger. They execute the metaphor for life. When life tries to hand you doo doo, get out of the way! You don't have to take that from life!

You're welcome.

I never noticed this about birds in Hawaii. I was much more tuned into the insect planet in Hawaii. I recently downloaded my youngest son's $25 digital camera, which held 610 of the most unflattering images of our life in Hawaii over the past two years. Allow me a few examples:

This roach was thinking "Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm la carucaracha man!"

But then he never went up against my running shoes.

Okay, now gird up your loins for this next shot. At first glance, it appears to be a creepy Cane spider, the likes of which never failed to send shivers up and down my spine, especially when it was perched on the toilet paper roll in the middle of the night while I was doing my bizness.

But upon closer inspection . . .

EEEEEEEEK! AAAACCCCK!!

Can't believe my son had the composure to capture this photographic evidence while his twin brother's life was in danger.

Okay, now that I've fully grossed you out, here's my favorite shot of my magic puppy, Lulu.

She is thinking, "Thanks for the freedom, Dummy, but I'd rather just chill here on this JOY mat, since that's what I am, a bundle of joy, who brings you joy, and your joy is my joy, so . . .

This is how I found her an hour later. Is that the most adorable thing you've ever seen, or what? Now she's thinking, "Like I said before, I appreciate the freedom, but my cage is kinda cozy too."