Friday, May 14, 2010

Tithing settlement: My friends and family plan

Well, I spent my entire birthday making a list. And checking it twice.

Sadly, only 71 of my 711 Facebook friends wished me a Happy day.

That's 10%, peeps!

That's tithing.

On the bright side, at least I can bear testimony that I know a tithing of my friends are true.

Aww, JUST MESSIN' WITH YOU, peeps! I don't know how many friends wished me happy birthday on Facebook. Alls I know is my hub had to keep giving me the heimlich because I had a big lump in my throat all day. Thank you for that, tithing friends!

So you wanna hear about my big birthday? Huh? Huh? Huh?

It started off early, with me trying to sleep off my head cold/lub allergy and my hub trying to wake me up to feed me French toast made from French bread topped with a French kiss.

(Ewwww! That's not true.)

(You guys probably think I'm a liberal now, huh?)

(Fer reals, I only kiss American style.)

After breakfast my hub asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday.

"I want to go to the dump," I said.

"We're not going to the dump on your birthday!" he said, firmly.

Or maybe it was forcefully.

On second thought, it was more disgustedly.

Anyways, I told him that is was MY birthday and that I could go to the dump if I wanted to. It seemed a simple enough wish to grant, but there we stood in the carport having a knock-down drag-out fight over it. Finally he pulled out the ladder, climbed to the top of the garbage can and began to dog pile our leftover Mother's Day/Birthday/orange business garbage while I screamed in slow motion:

"I W A N T T O G O T O T H E D U M P!!"

I'm pretty sure there are city codes that say you can't pile your garbage higher than 8 ft above the rim. That's what I told him, anyway. So he began passively resisting my assertive confrontation by attempting to fill up all the neighbor's garbage cans with our leftover crapola.

So I began assertively confronting his passive resistance by attempting Karate Kid position at the end of the driveway.

I'm proud to say that in the end my wish was his command. He made all my garbage-free dreams come true and we lived happily ever after.

After we lived happily ever after, we took our cute dog, Lulu, for a walk and guess what! I'm not allergic to lub after all! As it turns out, I'm just allergic to garbage.

Since my hub consented to spending $7 at the dump, I consented to spending $7 at the movies.

We saw Iron Man 2, which I liked very much, except for the kissing scene at the end. It was WAY too American for my liberal taste buds. (Get it? Taste buds? hee hee hee)

Then my daughter came home from school early and started BHBO (barfing her brains out), which I thought was kinda rude, being as my stomach is so susceptible to the power of suggestion.

When my hub asked me where I wanted to eat, I hesitated and considered my options carefully. I decided that Zuppa Toscana soup would be the best BMBO meal choice.

In other words, we ate at The Olive Garden (of course).

*I'm happy to report that my stomach did not succumb to peer pressure.

The rest of my day was a blur of bright balloons, pretty bows and redundant words. I got the impression that everyone just wanted me to be happy.

So I was.

But it's time to get back to reality. I've been dragging this birthday out for far too long. My mom, Gigi and aunt Carol started the ball rolling when they took me out to celebrate a few days ago. Alls we talked about were dogs, dogs, dogs. I can't figure out what I used to talk about before I had a dog. Can anybody tell me? We laughed and laughed and laughed about my aunt Carol's dogs, and I bragged and bragged and bragged about my dog. And then we cried.

Well, I didn't cry, but my mom did. And all because my aunt Carol told her that "Daddy" on the Dog Whisperer had died. My mom just about choked on her chicken enchilada as tears began welling up in the corners of her eyeballs. I felt so bad and I tried to think of something comforting to say (in between giggles), but alls I could come up with was,"I can't wait to blog this."

My mom really lubs the Dog Whisperer. She even gave me the Dog Whisperer book so I can train my already perfect puppy. I've been whispering in Lulus ear all week, but it doesn't work for me. I don't think puppies speak English. In fact, I would guess their primary lub language is "Words of Mastication." Either that or "Acts of Chomping."

Guess what else my mom brought me on my birthday! A Jumbo Jamba Juice, which basically amounts to 43 bowls of Fruit Loops. (What mom in their right mind would give their kid 43 bowls of Fruit Loops for their 43rd birthday?)

What ever happened to birthday spankings?

Mother Nature didn't give me any birthday spankings either. The mountains and the clouds and the sun and the the sky were on their best behavior all day. It was almost like Mother Nature had whispered in their ear, "Can't we all just get along for once? For Crash!"

Thank you Mother Nature whisperer!

And thank you all my tithing friends and family who remembered to remember not to forget!

You guys are da bombdiggity!



val of the south said...

I wished you a happy birthday eve, so I must wish you a happy day after your birthday!

val of the south said...

Hahaha - I LOVE the Words of Mastication and Acts of Chomping!

val of the south said...

Your birthday celebrations can't be over - we still have to celebrate IKEA style! Nothing says happy 43 like an IKEA hot dog and cinnamon roll!! Oooooohhhhhh, but then you might want to BYBO!

val of the south said...

Ok, I *might* be done stuffing your box...but maybe not!

val of the south said...

Ok, so I guess I wasn't - 5 is my fave number, so I wanted to leave 5 comments - now I'm done, because I'm not as fond of 6.

Don said...

What? Only American-style kissing?

No wonder they canceled your bottle-in-the-closet YM/YW activity.

I'm glad you had a great birthday!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

this post made me tee hee heee all over the place. Way to go.

Kazzy said...

I am glad you felt at least some lubbing on your birthday! I think birthday celebrations should go as long as your mother was in labor. LOL

Heather and Kyle said...

Happy birthday Deb! Sounds like a good day. Funny thing is that i have felt sick like you too. It sucks.

Jami said...

Started reading your post and then I had to run over to facebook for a second 'cause I totally remembered that I forgot something. Back now.

Braden said...

Some of your friends actually wished you happy birthday on their blogs!!!! That's how much they care. Just think of all the pixels and megabytes spent just for you!!!!! Love the tithing settlement method

katie t said...

1. we are not fb friends so i did not know sooooo


2. yeah. what were you 2 doing by the garbage can cause i saw something fishy going on as i drove past! lol

hope it was a great day and hope you get feeling better!!


Garden of Egan said...

I would have lubbed you and wished you merry birthday if you would have friended me on facebook.
I would have lubbed to have been a tithing friend, that's better than Anne of Green Gables bosom friend!

BUT I'm glad your hubs took the garbage out for your birthday. It's nice to know the garbage gets taken out once a week!

Happy Birthday Crash! LUB YA!

Martha said...

Guess what Dolly gave me on your birthday? Her kitchen cupboards!!! It's the best present I ever got on your birthday! So Happy Birthday to you again.

So that Dolly is remodeling again and when that happens, be nice to her and you might be able to score some good stuff, like cute cupboards. Because if they were Dolly's, they had to be cute. Josh spent 6 hours getting them out of her house to our house. What a helpful boy.

So now I have to rethink my whole color scheme to match the white cupboards with blue countertops. I think most people think blue countertops are ugly, but not me. I love blue (as you know for my swimming pool living room).

We've been visiting the dump on a regular basis too. So fun.

I let the kids have a campout last night. Now they are all sacked out from lack on sleep.

Oh, also I joined a USTA tennis league and Turtle Bay. I think I'm supposed to play to meet some nonmembers because I don't know any. So I'm going to be extra nice and a good example. I won't let them win, but I will be a nice winner and I'll try not to hit them with overheads. I already had two close calls today at practice. Some people just don't get it that you need to get out of the way when someone is hitting an overhead!!

And don't tell Perry but I bought new tennis shoes today. They were such a good deal and mine are totally worn out. I'm wearing them right now. So cool. Ok, I'm going to bed now. Happy Day After Your Birthday.

T said...

man, I am SO glad that I left a FB birthday wish... good to be a part of the 10% :)

Your word verifier scared me, at first glance I thought it said madonna... I looked around to grab her autograph (and maybe a spare conical bra)... but it was just modomra - which is maybe the name of that Male madonna impersonator?