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Monday, August 30, 2010

Enuff




You know what's weird? Yesterday I was craving Diet Coke all day and I don't even drink Diet Coke.


I don't even like Diet Coke.


You know what else is weird? I think my Bishop is trying to convert me. To biking. He has that are you sure? look on his face when he asks me again and again if I need to borrow a bike for the ward bike hike this week. I hope he doesn't bust out the 1st discussion on me because I'm pretty sure it has something to do with believing in spandex. And I don't believe in spandex. I only believe in the gospel according to sweat pants.


You know what else is weird? I'm finally living my dream. Not my dream with the creepy guy creeping down my hallway in the middle of the night, shining his creepy flashlight in my face. My other dream. The one where I'm a home owner. And a dog owner. Technically those dreams were my hub's and my kid's, but living their dreams is way cooler than living my dream with the creepy flashlight guy.


Except remember how I told you in my last post about my issues with religious zeal? I'm a little worried about my dog. She's showing signs . . . if you know what I mean . . .

I finally got her through her sock fetish and her eating disorders, but now I think she's found religion.


Hee hee


(Is it just me or is that a halo around my son's head?)


These aren't the only weirdities going on in my life right now. I've somehow turned into a Wicked song. You know the one that goes, "Something has changed within me. Something I can't explain . . ." I testify that that song is true. I am not the same. As I was a year ago. Or 20 years ago. I am not that girl. Anymore.


It kinda feels like I'm having an out of body experience. Like I'm floating above myself looking down on that girl and that life and trying to feel what she felt, trying to summon the pain and the sorrow and the frustration and the angst. But it doesn't come.


Where is the angst?


I sit in church and things that used to make me grit my teeth or shake my fist don't even make me roll my eyes. They just make me giggle.


I look around me at the church ladies and the Barbie Doll ladies and . . . nothing. Nada. Just, oh, wells.


Alls I can summon is a shrug. And a sigh. Of relief. That I don't find spray tans and neon white teeth something to emulate and strive for.


And I like being flat chested too. The better to wrap my arms around myself and give myself a hug for being so dang flawed.


So thankful I'm so dang flawed.


And so thankful other people are so dang flawed. I am rubbing shoulders with the coolest dang flawed people in Utah.



As for the other people, and the places, and the positions that used to make me feel less than or I can't or I'll never, now just make me feel . . . YAWN!


Whatevah!


That's alls I can muster.



This didn't just dawn on me, btw. It's been an awakening. Or maybe a drifting off. I'm not sure which.


The weirdest is Mt. Carmel. I used to get so anxious whenever I had to go there to visit my grandma. I could never stay for more than an hour and I had to stop and stuff my face at every restaurant and gas station along the way.

Just in case.


But this last trip alls I felt was whatevah.


I didn't care that my grandma didn't feed me.


I fed her.


I'm a big girl now.


We split a plate of green beans and grapes and a slice of avacado

And it was enuff.

And she was enuff.

And he was enuff.

And I was enuff.






P.S. I got a great contribution to The Magic Quilt from Don Carey and it's full of Aloha. Go read it. Please, please, pretty please. It will make your eyeballs sweat.

28 comments:

Cynthia said...

Great post! Funny and poignant- and that's not an easy combo!

T said...

you are enuff :) give yourself another of those hugs from me.

Sarah said...

Ditto!

Susan said...

I'm glad you like being flat chested. So do I. Boo to all these people who think we need boob jobs so we can look like every other perfect Mormon mom. Hey, I need you to email me the address of where my sis-in-law needs to send the fabric.

Hugs, hugs, Crash. Lots of flat chested hugs from one flat chested sister in the gospel to another.

Barbaloot said...

You are definitely more than just "enuff." This was a great post---thanks for sharing.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Aw shucks! Hugs to all of you.

Susan, ha ha about the hug from one flat chested sister to another. I am going to send you the address right now.

springrose said...

I just want to put my two or twenty cents in, you are more than enough!!! We all love you and your religious dog too...
I have gotten fabric from Stan and Lila, they are so very sweet. I also got a shirt from Don in Texas. With his magic story. If I need to email you a copy let me know. It is a wonderfuly magic story, it will make your eyes sweat, at least it did mine. Not that it takes much right now. But it is still a great story. Exciting that fabric is rolling in!! LY

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Springrose, I'm so excited that fabric is rolling in. I have a feeling this is going to be an amazing quilt. I've got other stories and fabric waiting in the wings.

IWA (e - va) said...

I totally get this post today.. and it actually made me bawl like a baby.

As much as i hate change, moving away from Hawaii was probably the best thing i could have done for ME.. you know what i mean...if you dont, no loss.. but i totally got this post!

I love the plate of Grapes, avocado and beans!

and Lulu praying... ive never seen a dog pray before, that was hilarious!

The Nash's said...

ya know it's terrible these crazy feelings of inadequacy that go on inside our brains as humans...especially women. But it makes me feel better about my inadequacies to know that you feel some too:) hehe And jealous that you are at peace with it! P.S- you are one of those women that I look at and think...how beautiful is she!! and I mean it...because I do not say things just to be nice.

Stephen said...

I hope this lack of angst and peace with everything doesn't hinder that creative genie you've got....

Garden of Egan said...

You are totally enuf! I just wanted to keep giving you hugs at CBC cause you were so dang nice!

And YES! That is a halo around your sons head. Congrats. I hope it stays there for ever!

Loved the post. You are amazing.

Kazzy said...

I am listening to your music player playing For Good right now, and it fits this post so well.

What a great thing to reach that "whatev" stage. To let things roll off and to hug yourself. You are in a good place.

I like you.

Melanie J said...

I'm super good at hugging myself too.

DeNae said...

A lot of what you're describing happened to me once I had turned 40. I'm loving my 40s, for this very reason. You're just so...over things. Not much left to prove to the world, and the things you want to prove to yourself are manageable and joy-filled.

Even the whole "dad" thing. Our stories are different, but the need for reconciliation is the same - and it came in my 40s.

Sandi said...

funny. I don't drink diet coke either. hahahahahahahahaha Now I as funny as you are :) Great post today and I loved the new one over a the magic quilt too. You are are on a roll - and I am kind of loving that you can shrug and giggle at the weirdies and the church things- it's so much better that way and it's amazing how entertaining things like that can really be.
And wow.....look at that new kind of "plate lunch" you are having these days!

Sandi said...

OH ya...and I want to say hi to IWA up there ^ HI IWA!! I have been reading her blog updates from Samoa but for some reason it wont let me comment. I'm loving her stories :)

Momza said...

Grace.
Grace helps us feel we are enough.
And once we feel that way about ourselves, it's so much easier to feel okay about others. That they too, are enough.
And oh how we all need it. Mercy and grace....if it could be bottled and sold, it'd line and fill my food storage shelves and there'd be no room for dried carrots or hot chocolate mix, just rows and rows of grace and mercy.

(hugs)

Vern said...

I'm just so flippin' relieved to see that the dog has found religion. It would be a serious shame to see that dog in hell, although I could probably use the company.

Tina said...

Part of those realizations for me has come with putting on those dang spandex. I too swore I wouldn't, but as I have it's honestly helped me get over the thoughts that I have to care what other people think. I am learning that I don't care so much what the heck they think!

Heidi said...

How great to have been "away" (from blogging) and come back and find you so happy and whatev. Rock on.

Homer and Queen said...

Sorry you are not enuff. Maybe you would be if I would have gotten the JJ tickets. And just for that I just copied your whole playlist. I guess we are soul sisters because we love the same music.

Seriously girl...I'm glad you are getting old and realizing you are enuff and now if you would realize how great you are. But PLEASE don't let that "flippin" bishop convert you to anything!!! It will be biking today and RS Prez tomorrow! Stay away!!!!!

♥Georgie♥ said...

Crash you are just such a great writer a nice combo of funny and real...I always enjoy your posts...your photos are lovely and when a dog finds religion I take that as a sign...a good one =)

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

"And I like being flat chested too. The better to wrap my arms around myself and give myself a hug for being so dang flawed."
HE HE HE HAHA HA!!! LOVE that!!!

And GOOD for YOU!!! We may as well shrug and stuff. We may as well.....

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

It let me comment!!!

wahooooooooo!!!

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Lub you so, so much, Crash! You are awesome! And I love that you didn't become a Utah Barbie doll. Those Barbie dolls freaked me out when I was there in July.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa, I feel you sistah! I feel you. I already replied to this comment on your blog.

Ashley!!! Ashley Nash!!! The most gorgeous woman in the hood! I'm so happy to hear you have insecurities too. LY! And that was sweet what you said about me being bee-U-tiful. You made me blush.

Stephen, I thought of that too. So I answered it in my just published post. But yes, I worry about that.

Kazzy, I like you too.

DeNae, touche! I totally agree. HUGS for the forties! Forties ROCK so hard.

Sandi hee hee about the Diet Coke. But I really really don't like Diet Coke. It's no laughing matter. I am lubbing IWA's posts too. She's such a cutie patootie. I went over and told her that you can't post comments. You're welcome.

Momza, I am soooooo with you on the Mercy and Grace thing. I lubbed your comment.

Vern, hahaha Lulu might be there in hell with you yet. She was repenting of all of her sins of barking and chasing people down the street.

Tina, you cutie patootie. You thought I was judging you when you rode past me in spandex, huh? hee hee I was actually thinking "YOU GO GIRL!" You're braver than me. But then I can't even ride a stationary bike so who needs spandex? ha ha

Look at Miss Heidi! Miss Heidi I likie your new profile pic. Are you naked in there?

Queenie, ha ha YOU HAVE TO ENTER THE CONTEST TO WIN! Send me some fabric already! Seriously, you've got more stories than Erma Bombeck. Share the lub. And girlfriend, I'm already YW Prez. It can't get much worse than that.

MAHALO Georgie. It's so fun to see Georgie and Miss Heidi and New England Aly and Low in the same place again. I miss you all.

LUB you too, Aly.

And Low, I just want to hug you!

Braden said...

You are such an amazing writer. I don't know how you say so much in so few words. Really amazing. I love the "she/I/he was enough." Beautiful.