Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Extreme Extremism (or how to love)

I forgot to tell you the funniest part about my daughter's homecoming date. It wasn't the chastity belt, or even the piano belt. It was an incident which occurred while they were taking pictures at the public park across the street from the temple.

Suddenly a guy jumps out at them and starts yelling that they are trespassing. I mean he's really letting them have it. Freaking out, as my 15-year-old son would say. He paid $500 to reserve the entire park for a wedding reception so he tells them at the top of his lungs that if they want to pay him $500, they can take all the pictures they want.

Then he pushes the photographer and threatens to call the proper authorities.

Which. he. does.

Wouldn't you know it, the police actually arrive on the scene and start questioning the photographer. He had to fill out a report and everything.

Imagine the poor cop who took that call. "Mr. Policeman, sir. I'd like to report four teenagers in Sunday best trying to take adorable photos in the public park. Could you please come and arrest them ASAP! Before they get away with it."

But my daughter, through it all, found a way to say what she needed to say.

Bless her li'l subversive heart.

You probably don't get that do you? Raise your hand if you get that? You're too young to understand the subtle innuendo, huh?

First person who gets that I'll send you a Jamba Juice. Hopefully you don't live in Florida or something because it might be melted by the time it arrives. I hear Florida's hot like that.

Okay, I'll give you a clue. Two words. First word. Sounds like Potter. Only it's not spelled like Potter. It's the stuff that came out of the drain when my laundry room flooded last night.

Second word. Sounds like late. As in, I was up late last night because my laundry room flooded.

Now put it together . . . Potter . . . late. Potterlate.

You still don't get it do you?

Okay, last clue.

Now you're laughing, huh?

Me neither. But mostly because my laundry room is flooded.

You know when I lived in Hawaii I only feared one thing--besides racism and socialism and my kids being killed on Kam Highway--and that was skin-cancerism. Now that I live in Utah I'm afeared of many things. Underground pornism, blind perfectionism and culturally-induced depressionism, to name a few. I'm also afeared of women who look like they've been sucking on lemons or playing with Barbies. And of teenagers who only group date. And of adults who alert the proper authorities because they don't want to share the public park.

Come to think of it, I'm only afeared of one thing--extreme extremism.

In Hawaii that photographer probably would have been beaten to a pulp, or vice versa, without the proper authorities ever being alerted. (Especially if one of them was a "stupid haole" (I would add a URL link to that quote, but all the Urban Dictionary definitions include swear words.)

Or if the proper authorities had been alerted, they probably wouldn't have showed up.

Case in point. You get me?

You know what I'm most afeared of in Utah? Extreme happiness. Did you guys see that Acappella group from BYU on The Sing Off last night?

They say they want to conquer the world with happiness. YIKES! Is that a scary thought or what? I'm worried that outsiders are going to get the wrong idea about Mormons. What if they think we want to force everyone at gunpoint to smile from ear to ear? Not all Mormons want to impose their happiness on others like that.

It's just too bad the miserable Mormons aren't ever represented on t.v. The ones who didn't score a 32 on their ACT.

Isn't there an accapella group somewhere in Utah made up of those who failed their AP exams and who single dated in high school? Exclusively?

I would like to see those BYU singers sing about something that really happens for once. I mean, fer reals, no one jumps, jives or wails when it hails anymore. I want to hear them sing something by Lil' Wayne. Something like How to Love. Even extremely happy Mormons are trying to figure that out.

Am I right? Or am I right?


Barbaloot said...

I loved Vocal Point last night---and from what I've read they were one of the favorites!!

If it makes you feel better, a few of the girls from Delilah are LDS. Were they mainstream enough for you? :)

Garden of Egan said...

Wow! It sounds like someone needs a hug.
They called the cops? Really?
Don't you live in the happiest place on earth?

Glad I'm not reading about your daughter and her date from FBI Files or something.

DeNae said...

Ok, I'm reading this on my phone and my bifocals stink, so I'm sure you'll understand how I could have reversed the "A" and the "H" in "haole" and thought, "Wow! Deb's pretty fired up over this picture thing!"

And I got the Nixon joke first thing. Cuz I'm older than you.

Kazzy said...

I am older than you too, but I think it was "I am not a CROOK", so I was lost. Dumb me.

See you soon!

ps That guy was an idiot!

Sandi said...


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha DeNae. NOoooo, I wasn't uptight at all about the incident. My daughter said the cop was totally on their side.

Barb, you probably passed all your AP exams and scored a 32 on your ACT didn't you? ;) But fer reals, I enjoyed them too. They were way better than the cruise ship dudes. But I was a little edgy being that my laundry room was flooded. Maybe I wanted them to sing about that. lol

Kazzy, you're right. And I almost put that. But I googled it and I guess he also said "I am not a criminal" so I ran with it.

Garden, you know me. I have to put a spin on everything, even if I don't need a hug. Which I don't. I'm actually, in all actuality extremely happy right now. Go figure. But I hate it when happy people act happy, you know. It's one of my pet peeves. ha ha

Alice Wills Gold said...

I totally don't want to read the other comments until I tell you that I got it and that your daughter is one smart cookie to know her Richard Nixon. I am sure I am too late to win. Bummer.

Brittany said...

the fact this Sing Off show included an acapella group from BYU who wants to spread happiness to the world is probably why I hate it. And I've never even heard of the show until just now when I read this.
Also, that group should start with the guy at the park. Just to make him more angry (I edited what I really wanted to say there. Don't want anyone to think I'm one of those miserable Mormons).

Martha said...

Here's a group from BYUH that you gotta check out:

Caution!! You will see people and places that you know, so don't watch it when T has any company that she is trying to impress.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Wow that is pretty crazy.

And you are right.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, that was awesome! LOVED IT! They should try out for the sing off. ;) Fun to see the old peeps and places. And happy birthday to Joshie yesteray! Is he finally 18?

hee hee Brittany. I won't tell anyone you're miserable. ;)

Alice, I'm tempted to send you a Jamba Juice anyway! ;) You go, girl!

Mariko said...

What a FREAK. I want to kick him in the face all the way from Hawaii.

The main thing I'm scared of in Hawaii is natural disasterism and not enough moneyism.
After reading Zeitoun and watching Treme I'm pretty convinced that the same stuff would happen in Hawaii.

Dolly said...

I just wanted to hit the like button when I read (see below) the comment in your commenting on the comments. Or I wanted to write LOL-- I so get that!

Garden, you know me. I have to put a spin on everything, even if I don't need a hug. Which I don't. I'm actually, in all actuality extremely happy right now. Go figure. But I hate it when happy people act happy, you know. It's one of my pet peeves. ha ha