Thursday, September 23, 2010

The CTD does PTC

You know what I lub about dirty dishes? They're always there for you. Rain or shine.

Hee hee

I made that one up at 4:15 this morning when I got up to get a drink.

Maybe that's why I don't clean the dishes more often. Cause they're always there for me. Get it?

hee hee

I usually have a really good reason for not doing the dishes, like I'm tired and stuff, but last night I didn't do them because I was at my daughter's parent teacher conferences from 4-7 p.m. And then I went laser tagging with my Young Women from 7-9 p.m. (Can I just say that I lub my young women so gosh darn much! And all them leader ladies too. It's so cool to be me.)

But about my daughter's parent teacher conferences. I didn't go last year. My daughter is a straight A student. Plus all her teachers knew her name. So I figured, why bother.

But this year was different.

My daughter changed schools this year. Again. She did it of her own volition, (which means free will and choice, Nana) and it wasn't because she had a bad experience last year. As Tony the Tiger would say, she had a Grrrrrreat experience last year.

I'm of the opinion that people are people. Wherever you go. When you take them case by case, they're almost always cool and interesting and fun. Almost. But as a collective group, people can be weirdies. It's called culture. But that's a whole nother post.

Teachers are just the opposite. Lump them all together as a group and teachers are awesome--they're laying the yellow brick road to the future. But take them case by case and some of them can mess with your head.

I just needed to see for myself. So I went to parent teacher conference.

There were several surprises. For instance, my daughter got a 97% on her last biology test, her seminary teacher is only twelve years old, and her math teacher said he teaches AP Calculus.

"No daughter of mine would be taking AP Calculus," I told him. "I barely passed pre-algebra in college." But then he showed me her name and grade on the roll and gave me some smelling salts.

There were other things I was more prepared for, but needed to see for myself. I knew her Computer Lit teacher was a Pittsburgh Steelers fan and had a football helmet the size of Vermont on his wall. But that was just one wall. Holy sports paraphernalia Batman!

It turns out her Spanish teacher is related to my MIL, which explains her zest for life, but doesn't explain her desire to have her students tell their favorite Chuck Norris jokes in Spanish.

Can you even think of one Chuck Norris joke in English?

Her Honors English teacher. She looked right at my daughter on the first day of class and told her she would sue her pants off if she ever posted video footage of her teaching on Youtube.

Do you think that includes her annual Pride and Prejudice costume ball at the end of the year? And what if I just post in on my blog?

The aerobics teacher thinks my daughter's name is Slowpoke. That's what she calls her anyway. Unless my daughter speeds up. Then she calls her Cheater. And sometimes she just calls her Hey-you-in-the-red-shirt.

She's this little bundle of adrenalin who works their guts out. In fact one day she was working their guts out so hard that her own guts started coming up, in chuck-like fashion. Do you think she stopped? Nope. She just kept on keeping on. While chucking up in between.

My daughter is on the SAT list because of this teacher, which means she has to stay in for lunch because she has an unexcused absence. From the 2nd day of school. This school takes unexcused absences very seriously. But so does my daughter. She never misses the 2nd day of school. But the teacher accidentally marked her absent. My daughter has talked to her about it--asked her to correct it, so she can eat lunch and stuff--and the teacher tells her she's working on it.

I decided I should probably work on it with her. Because I like it when my daughter eats. The teacher told me my daughter would need to do some aerobic exercise on her own to make up for the absence.

"Well she wasn't actually absent," I said,"but hows about two hours of tennis a day? Does that count? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

She told me she would prefer it be exercise outside her normal exercise routine, because routine exercise shouldn't count.

I guess it doesn't get the heart rate up like unroutine exercise.

Long, trivial story short, I ended up forcing her at gunpoint to research and then admit that my daughter was indeed in class on the 2nd day of school.

She even filled out a slip for the office to excuse her absence, but she wrote Krista on the Studen't Name line.

"My daughter's name ain't Krista," I told her. "It's Slowpoke."

And then I slow poked her eyes out.

hee hee

Hey, I thought of a Chuck Norris joke:

Q: Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?

A: To get to the other bride. LOLOL

(Wait, did Chuck Norris get married a lot or not?)

(That probably would have been a better Brigham Young joke, huh?)

(See, there's nothing funny about Chuck Norris.)


Barbaloot said...

I used to LOVE Parent's Teacher Conferences. Cuz I'm a huge nerd and my mom would come back and tell me all the wonderful things my teachers said about me. Seriously---huge nerd.
Um, her aerobics teachers sounds like a jerk.
Who in their right mind takes AP Calculus?
There's a Pride and Prejudice Ball for her English class? And to think I was stuck reading Great Expectations. Gross.

Barbaloot said...

Not sure where I came up with "Parent's Teacher Conferences." Whatever. You know what I meant.

T said...

hmmm... sounds like you need to post video of slow-poking out some eyes (of a certain aerobics teachers) on YouTube...

and maybe look up a few Chuck Norris jokes... I think they all have to do with him beating everyone at everything... but no, they're not funny, even in Spanish.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hahahahaha about Great Expectations. I LUBBED that book. I get to play Miss Havisham if anyone ever acts it out, okay!

Barb, I can see you being a huge nerd. That's why you're so coolio now. P.S. I MISS MY RED SHOES!

T, hee hee hee HUGS to you!

Oh, and you too, Barb.

Anjeny said...

I truly can't stand teacher/parent conference...then again, maybe I just don't like the conferences where the teacher doesn't really know what he/she wants and ended up wasting a whole hour on talking about practically nothing.

And your poor daughter, sounds like that aeorobics teacher has issues of her own, maybe the thought of having a rockstar, super model looking slash incredibly talented girl in her class makes the green-eyed-monster easily accessible to said teacher. I want to see buts about it...ahahah. Miss ya bunches!!

Vern said...

From here on out I would like you to do all my Back To School posts. I'll give you the details, and you spice it up, K? 'Cuz that was hilarious.

Stephen said...

Sorry my cell phone died.

Momza said...

"when Chuck Norris sends you a poke on Facebook it kills you."

Chuck Norris once shot down a plane by pointing at it and saying "boom".

Chuck Norris can divide a number by zero.

Chuck Norris precedes his reputation, not the other way around. Chuck Norris always comes first.

Chuck Norris can stare into the sun without blinking.

Burger King always does it Chuck Norris' way.

Chuck Norris' fantasy football team is Chuck Norris.

Too bad Chuck Norris hasn't met your Slowpoke's gym teacher.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha ha Momza, you kill me. Did you make those up or found them on the internet? My favorite it about Chuck Norris meeting the aerobics teacher. My post would have been so perfect if I had thought of that first. ha ha

Vern, you got it, girlfriend. ha ha

Anjeny, ha ha one of your kids must have Mrs. Pula. I remember that PTC! Here you have less than 10 minutes per teacher.

Anonymous said...

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

When chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't pushing up. He's pushing down on the world.

When Chuck Norris falls in the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.

Sandi said...

awesome use of the weirdie word! I avoid teacher conferences at all costs but mostly because our teachers are all rather least yours have a little *personality* ha ha.

Cherie said...

Ugh I really Do not enjoy Parent teacher conferences.
It sounds like that Aerobics teacher might have it together physically but where her brain is concerned maybe she is the one who needs to be called "slowpoke" SRSLY!

Andrea said...

What's up with everyone and Chuck Norris these days? CK Lunchbox was on a whole Chuck Norris kick last week during the Dads Summit thing in Atlanta. Joke after Joke after Joke.

I don't get it.

So far, no teacher conference but I'm pretty sure Thor hid the info from I just look like one of THOSE parents who doesn't care. At least my rep precedes me... ;) (I jest)

Andrea said...

Cherie! Love your avatar. SMART Cars Rule!

I mean I never want to drive one cause they aren't comfy but talk about being able to park anywhere! Woohoo!

Heidi said...

Teachers are not perfect which is really a shame b/c they ought to be. Except the ones who are excused like you and my husband. Everyone else must be perfect. (We are not happy with LG's teacher at the moment. .. or the teacher he had two weeks ago before he was forced to change schools in spite of a note from his doctor saying it would not be good for him--it's not--and we didn't like the teacher he had last year, at least up until October when I pulled him out to homeschool him. THAT teacher was GREAT!)

Garden of Egan said...

I think that you should get Chuck Norris to poke the eyes out of the aerobic teacher, then he could teach the class.

Jillybean said...

First of all, we always have dirty dishes in our sink, especially this week when I've been too busy with work to do them, and apparently, my kids think that I've been too busy with work for them to do them either.
I'm thinking about just leaving the dishes in the sink and moving to a new house with a clean kitchen. It would be easier.

We always go to PT conferences, except they expect us to bring the kid with us.
Have you experienced the new-fangled "Student led" conferences?
Basically, you go to the school with your child and they tell you how they are doing in school.
Seriously, we could do that at home.
Personally, I think parent teacher (and student if applicable) should somewhere include the teacher.

Also, I don't want to sound menacing, but do you have a Barc-o-Lounger?

(DeNae made me say that last part)

Martha said...

The dirty dishes are left in your sink because you CAN leave them there. We all know what happens if you leave dirty dishes in your sink if you live in Hawaii. Not a good thing.

Yeah, I went to the PT conferences and tried to hit both Josh and Rach's classes. So I would go for 5 mins to one and sneak out and hit the other one. Rach's band teacher didn't even come out of his office so I had to yell to him, "Hey are you gonna tell us something, or should I just go to my son's class?" Now Rach is probably on his bad list, but us parents were all sitting there waiting for him.

Hey, Rach had her first kill last night at v-ball. She's happy.

I want some pics of T playing tennis and of grandpa watching and sitting in the car honking.

robin said...

My nephews LOVE Chuck Norris jokes and I used to send a joke in every letter I sent to my nephew while he was on his mission and he would send me one back. I can't believe how funny some of them are. For a guy who can't act he sure has some great jokes I mean really...

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Seriously.. he has a cult of jokes that just keep on going. How cool is that?

Becca said...

Did you now Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer? Too bad he's never cried.

Kazzy said...

12- year old seminary teachers... gotta love 'em. I just attended P/T conferences last week too. They can be brutal for some and shine fests for others. I will hold my own at the end of OCT for my little special sweeties.

We teachers mostly try our best, but there are always going to be some crab apples in the bucket.

SWIRL said...

hi crash-
got on line to order more vacuume bags.. but HAD to see what you are up to... I loved the butterfly and duct tape story...

we are planning our Fall Play- and I was trying to explain some of the characters... and I said.. "so we need the lost 3 lords to be dancing on the cubes like wyatt and garrett" and the boys were like.."WHAT wyatt and garrett are coming???"
sadly no- but ya know how your sons are such characters in-and of themselves... I thought- if my boys could just impersonate your boys... that would better describe what we are looking for.
take out some cute sweaters and scarves for me... that was my favorite part about fall.. the wardrobe change with the season.

Me (aka Danielle) said...

I didn't know there was a whole colony of Chuck Norris jokes thriving out there. Man, am I behind the time or what?

Sounds like the aerobic teacher needs a good fast poke to the eyeball.

Mariko said...

Teachers are so weird.
You know what's weirder? That your daughter is taking an aerobics class.

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Are you kidding me??? We are ALL ABOUT Chuck Norris jokes in this house!!

Well, we were, back when my now 19 and 21 year old sons were in high school.

But still.