Post-Christmas Crash

Hiiiiiiiiiiiii,

I'm baaaaAAAaaaack.

It's really me--the post-Christmas Crash Test Dummy. The post-SAM-e loser Crash Test Dummy.

I'm different now. I think.

Or am I?

I must admit that while being rich and famous (mostly rich) would have had it's advantages, I'm a little relieved that I don't have to write 120 posts about how to maintain a good mood. (Are there even 120 ways to maintain a good mood?)

If I ever get rich I hope I'm writing about how to maintain whatever mood I feel like maintaining at any given moment.

You get me?

Right now the mood I'm maintaining is . . . fluctuating. Between the after glow of Christmas joy and good will towards good men, and the desire rising within me to poke those good men in the eye for not updating the Young Women manual since the 1970's.

I'm trying to prepare a lesson for church tomorrow and FER REALS, can we just GET REAL?

(Was that rude?)

It feels like all the other programs in this goldarn church are overhauled and re-implemented every six months, while the Young Women lessons have remained outdated for 30 stinkin' years? Must history repeat itself? Must my daughter endure the same trite anecdotes I endured as a teen?

Look to it, good men! Paleeeeaaze!

I shouldn't be so bossy on Christmas, should I?

Maybe I'm coming down with a touch of the post-Christmas, pre-Sunday blues. The year is winding down, afterall, which means I'm going to have to start being responsible again very soon. No more lounging around being cheerful and eating carmel popcorn while watching Despicable Me. No more taking four naps in a 12 hour period. No more reading intellectually stimulating books by David Sedaris. I need to shift my mind set from thinking it's okay to watch a Rocky marathon AND a Star Wars marathon all in one day to thinking superfluous entertainment gets me nowhere and does not contribute to my eternal salvation or to the building up of the kingdom.

I need a plan for the new year, that's what I need. But first I need to plan out the plan. I need to draw up a floor plan of the plan.

I need to design a whole plantation of plans. Unlock plandora's box of plans.

But let's not think about that today. Let's think about that tomorrow. Today let's just think about the force and the dark side and the eye of the tiger. Today we can live by platitudes alone--"There ain't no can't!" and "There is no try!" and "Luke, I am your father!"

And of course my favorite, "It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep. moving. forward."

So how was your Christmas, peeps? Mine was perfect, of course. The most wonderful day of the year! Is there anything as gratifying as the handful of hours after all the presents have been unwrapped and all the pie has been consumed? You're just hanging by the moment, a roaring fire the backdrop to the collective euphoria. No one can break the spell. No one even tries to break the spell.

You can't put a price tag on that kind of euphoria. (Although it helps if there are a couple of iPods, a complete set of 2010 Topps baseball cards, and few Pittsburgh Steeler toothbrushes to sweeten the pot.)

So what was your favorite gift? Mine was from my brother-in-law: 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die.

I figure if I read one book every day it would take me almost three years to blow through the reading list.

Even if I read one book every week it would take me 20 years to blow through the reading list, and that doesn't include time for the unlisted, superfluous books, like Twlight and The Bible.

If I read one book every month it would take me 83 years to blow through the reading list. (At that rate you would have to start reading Lolita and Anna Karena before you're potty trained.)

Is anyone else feeling illiterate?

BTW, Shakespeare didn't make the list, even though he was voted A&E's 5th most influential person in the past 1,000 years. But Gulliver's Travels made it so let's all get out to the movie theaters to support Jack Black.

EAGLE POWERS, Baby!