Sunday, December 26, 2010

Post-Christmas Crash


I'm baaaaAAAaaaack.

It's really me--the post-Christmas Crash Test Dummy. The post-SAM-e loser Crash Test Dummy.

I'm different now. I think.

Or am I?

I must admit that while being rich and famous (mostly rich) would have had it's advantages, I'm a little relieved that I don't have to write 120 posts about how to maintain a good mood. (Are there even 120 ways to maintain a good mood?)

If I ever get rich I hope I'm writing about how to maintain whatever mood I feel like maintaining at any given moment.

You get me?

Right now the mood I'm maintaining is . . . fluctuating. Between the after glow of Christmas joy and good will towards good men, and the desire rising within me to poke those good men in the eye for not updating the Young Women manual since the 1970's.

I'm trying to prepare a lesson for church tomorrow and FER REALS, can we just GET REAL?

(Was that rude?)

It feels like all the other programs in this goldarn church are overhauled and re-implemented every six months, while the Young Women lessons have remained outdated for 30 stinkin' years? Must history repeat itself? Must my daughter endure the same trite anecdotes I endured as a teen?

Look to it, good men! Paleeeeaaze!

I shouldn't be so bossy on Christmas, should I?

Maybe I'm coming down with a touch of the post-Christmas, pre-Sunday blues. The year is winding down, afterall, which means I'm going to have to start being responsible again very soon. No more lounging around being cheerful and eating carmel popcorn while watching Despicable Me. No more taking four naps in a 12 hour period. No more reading intellectually stimulating books by David Sedaris. I need to shift my mind set from thinking it's okay to watch a Rocky marathon AND a Star Wars marathon all in one day to thinking superfluous entertainment gets me nowhere and does not contribute to my eternal salvation or to the building up of the kingdom.

I need a plan for the new year, that's what I need. But first I need to plan out the plan. I need to draw up a floor plan of the plan.

I need to design a whole plantation of plans. Unlock plandora's box of plans.

But let's not think about that today. Let's think about that tomorrow. Today let's just think about the force and the dark side and the eye of the tiger. Today we can live by platitudes alone--"There ain't no can't!" and "There is no try!" and "Luke, I am your father!"

And of course my favorite, "It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep. moving. forward."

So how was your Christmas, peeps? Mine was perfect, of course. The most wonderful day of the year! Is there anything as gratifying as the handful of hours after all the presents have been unwrapped and all the pie has been consumed? You're just hanging by the moment, a roaring fire the backdrop to the collective euphoria. No one can break the spell. No one even tries to break the spell.

You can't put a price tag on that kind of euphoria. (Although it helps if there are a couple of iPods, a complete set of 2010 Topps baseball cards, and few Pittsburgh Steeler toothbrushes to sweeten the pot.)

So what was your favorite gift? Mine was from my brother-in-law: 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die.

I figure if I read one book every day it would take me almost three years to blow through the reading list.

Even if I read one book every week it would take me 20 years to blow through the reading list, and that doesn't include time for the unlisted, superfluous books, like Twlight and The Bible.

If I read one book every month it would take me 83 years to blow through the reading list. (At that rate you would have to start reading Lolita and Anna Karena before you're potty trained.)

Is anyone else feeling illiterate?

BTW, Shakespeare didn't make the list, even though he was voted A&E's 5th most influential person in the past 1,000 years. But Gulliver's Travels made it so let's all get out to the movie theaters to support Jack Black.



Leslie said...


Glad you had a great Christmas and those presents would definitely help. As for my family, it was awesome being together and hanging with friends all day eating and playing game...seriously I gained 5 pounds yesterday!!!!

As for the Young Women...SORRY!!! In Primary, the theme is different every year and they really involved how we are doing sharing time.

Anyhow, hope you have a great NEW YEAR!

lori said...

Glad to hear you had a merry Christmas! Good Luck with your Young Women lessons.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

OK, I is it bad that I first read you mood was fluctuating, as your mood was flatulence? hee hee

I am not really sure what I feel, pretty sure it is just numb. I am ready to put my shoulder to the wheel, as all these naps are exhausting.

LY girl, here's to the new year.

DeNae said...

Don't EVEN get me started on the whole YW thing. Or how our stake sends our scouts to these a-MAY-zing camps all over California, Arizona, and Utah every year and our girls go to this armpit crap campsite 20 minutes' drive from here. Or how we teach boys how to be home teachers from their 14th birthdays but our girls don't ever learn how to visit-teach until they're married or college students. Or how girls can't go on missions until they're 21 but they can't transfer their records to singles' wards until they're 21 either, so they're basically invisible for 3 years unless they go to BYU.

Oh, great. You got me started anyway.

And what the what? We're giving up David Sedaris? Geez, Deb, it's like I don't even KNOW you any more!!

(I think I need some fudge.)

DeNae said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeNae said...

Sorry. My little rant posted twice.

Annette Lyon said...

I'll add my rant to DeNae's--they've changed the Personal Progress program something like SIX times in the last 20 years . . . totally screwing every girl up . . . but they use the same out-dated manuals.

And then they stress that the medallion is equivalent to an Eagle--and hand it over in 30 seconds during sacrament meeting instead of giving the girl a big night that belongs to HER like the Eagles get.

Makes us women feel so valued, I tell ya.

Barbaloot said...

1001 books and Shakespear's not even on it once? I mean, I'm not a huge fan of the guy, but who are the 1001 authors that are greater than him?!

We had a visit from my brother and his family Christmas Day. Turns out he's assistant (I think?) coach of the basketball team that just took a very long, very crazy trip down to St. George and came back with some sort of championship. Maybe you know him? :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

No Way, Barb! I don't know him, but my son does. ha ha Our lives certainly are intertwined aren't they? So you bro must have been in on, or at least witnessed, the whole ladders until you up-chuck your guts incident. I guess he would deny that the coach made me do ladders until I up-chucked my guts. Dangit, I keep getting caught in my own webs. But tell you bro that it tweren't my boys fault.

AMEN to Annette and DeNae. I second that motion.

Ha ha about my flatulance mood, Nutty. Hey Nutty, I have heard from a few of my friends who started using SAM-e that it really WORKS! You oughta give it a whirl. I gave some to my mom for Christmas.

See, I'm not bitter! ;)


Dolly said...

Every time I go into a bookstore or a library, there are instantly 12 to 15 books that I want to read right away. And that's just in the first instant, but if I browse a while.... wish list overload sets in, I give up, buy something irrelevant or buy something pretty or rent some DVD's and remain illiterate.

I heard they are working on a new YW manual. Maybe they should hire you to pump it out in six months and they could pay you say, 30K.

Oh, and I love the spell that is cast on the post present hours. I love it so much that I insist that little piles of presents and baskets of ribbons and crumbled paper all remain exactly where they are for at least two or three days. I would always have to tell my live in maids in Dubai that they were NOT TO PUT ANY of it AWAY or try to clean in that space. They had a hard time with it but I had to insist. (I unwind slowly.)

T said...

I don't know about their manuals - but I know they've updated the theme since I learned it... because I can't recite it alongside them without peeking anymore!!!

T said...

and if Christmas isn't over 'til the pie is gone, we're still good for at least another day or four... I've got pie up the...
wait, no, just in the fridge... it's much more sanitary that way.

T said...

and MY version of that book is 301 books you must read before you die... the only problem is that of the 301 there are about 12 that I have ZERO interest in... so I'm afraid I'll just have to die without having lived a fulfilled literary life.

T said...

Oh, and Merry Christmas - glad it was loads of fun! My gift to you is a fully packed comment box of my rather too lengthy for comfort comments :)

Lub ya!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Dolly! That's exactly how I am. It's magical to have everything out of order for a few days. We are twin souls. I also do the same thing in bookstores.

BTW, I got your message and am mulling over a screen play idea. Hey, shall we have a sledding/hot chocolate party for Adam and Casey on Tuesday night?

T, that was the best Christmas present ever. It was something Kritta would have given me.

And of the 1001 books on the list, there are 950 I have absolutely no interest in, and about 30 I have already read. ;)

Verifier says puncomor. That's spanish for "you're punny."

Jillybean said...

Perhaps you should get a job rewriting the YW manual?

IWA (e - va) said...

Merry Christmas.. and Hauoli Makahiki Hou to you and the ohana!

So amen on the YW manuals... I swear i heard Sis Au say that to me one time.. she was my Laurel Advisor! and If you thought she was pushy in RS... that was nothing compared to Laurels! haha!

So i was thinking about you today..
I think the should turn your Sam-e video into one of those meet the mormon's videos!

ps. I ran into Bishop Reids brother at KSmart and he scared the heck out of me! He is the spitting image of Bishop (like twins!) and he turned the corner into the baking aisle and said Hi.. and i froze and didnt know what to do! and then started laughing!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Jilly, that made me laugh. HA!

Iwa, oh my gosh, that would have been FREAKY! That happened to me once in Korea. I was at Wendy's in Itaewon and so was my uncle Mike--my dad's brother. My dad had been dead for 10 years and it had been almost that long since I'd seen his look-a-like brother. I stopped dead in my tracks and my hub thought I had seen a ghost.

The weirdest part? He was with this bombshell blonde with extremely enthusiastic cleavage. LOL! Caught in Korea! Whodathunk it!

One Cluttered Brain said...

WHAT? They didn't pick you?
Those not-so-smart judges.
Are you feeling the post Christmas hangover yet?
I will probably feel it after my Dad visits. He is coming on WEdnesday.
After his visit it's work work work.
And then maybe some MORe WORK.
Cause I'm getting myself a REAL job, taking care of other peeps and stuff. That's my calling in life.
To be a nurse.
And other such things.
Hope you have a glorious NEW year Deb!

Kazzy said...

We had a great Christmas! Nice to just veg with the family.

I have never felt more illiterate that I have these past two years as I have been back in school, ironically.

LKP said...

ok, i'm with nutty hamster chick. must be something about organizing those specific letters anywhere in the same general vicinity the others that instantly turns fluctuating into flatulence! hahahaha, i'm glad i'm not alone hamster.
glad your holiday was rocking. :)
ours too. good luck on the plantation with plandora and your pet planda. :)

I am LoW said...

I am SO not joining this 'complain about the church' club but I can tell you that you don't have to give a lesson word by word according to the manual. It's SO stinkin' easy to update the lesson in your own words.
And you are a smarty pants Deb, so I KNOW YOU CAN.

I am LoW said...

Just sayin'....

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh LoW, I lub it when you're just sayin'. Way to stand up to the big whiney bunch of us. You're right, of course. We are taught correct principals so we can govern our darn selves.

But they do say not to deviate from the lesson manuals, don't they?

Just sayin' (hee hee)

I am LoW said...

We are to keep to the principle but we don't have to use the stories and other outdated material. The manual says, "As you prayerfully prepare and present your lessons, you may feel impressed to substitute stories or examples from your own experience or from other reliable sources more familiar to the young women you are teaching. When doing so, always keep in mind the gospel principle being taught in the lesson. Supplemental stories should support and help to teach the gospel principle identified in the lesson objective."

Plus we are to know each young woman indivually and consider their needs as we plan each lesson.