Friday, February 4, 2011

Can I get an Amen?

You know how they say that youth is wasted on the young? Well what about the elderly? If you ask me, old age is wasted on the elderly. I mean all that wisdom and experience and they can't even enjoy it because they're too busy having strokes or dying. Or quoting Dr. Oz.

So torqued at Dr. Oz right now!

Dude! Stop filling my MIL's head with all that mumbo jumbo about broccoli! Don't you know that when you fill her head, she fills my head!?

Every time I eat lunch with my MIL she brings up Dr. Oz and his latest theory about broccoli. Or sugar. Or cinnamon. Or that hard cheese that starts with the letter q. The one that she's never heard of and that she can't remember how to pronounce. The one that helps fight cancer cells.

Three words:

You know who else I'm torqued at right now? My daughter's seminary teacher. (Okay, for the record I'm not really torqued, I'm just saying that to transition.) But if I was torqued it would be because . . . well . . . should you really be telling a bunch of teenagers that the END of the WORLD is nigh at hand and they could be twinkled within 5-7 years?

Fer reals, should the words APOCALYPSE and TWINKLE be used simultaneously?

And should you really be telling my daughter that after she's twinkled she will get her own world in which to multiply and replenish. With a bagillion gazillion offspring?

She's less than thrilled.

I usually giggle when she's less than thrilled, but I didn't giggle when she told me about his five step dating, (and one step kissing) guidelines.

Allow me to summarize:

Step one: High school. Date groups. And have fun.

Step two: College. Choose 10 people you want to date one-on-one.

Step three: Narrow it down to your top five.

Step four: Narrow it down to three finalists. Now imagine yourself sharing the REST of YOUR entire LIFE, (plus eternity) (plus a private world with a bagillion gazillion offspring) with each of these three finalist. How does it make you feel? If it makes you feel like screaming and running and poking your eyes out, move on to the next finalist.

Step five: Narrow it down to one. Then get engaged. Then kiss that one. But only once. Just so you can see how your choice tastes. (Direct quote, peeps!) If you like the taste, get married, and live happily ever after. And by ever after I mean ever and ever after (with your bagillion gazillion offspring).

Okay, does anyone besides me find this to be fallacious logic?

First, do numbers even go up that high? Second, is there no rose ceremony? Third, one kiss? One freakin' kiss? Is there a pulse in the house?

Kissing is quickly becoming a lost art and we need to do something about it. PRONTO! I'm designing bumper sticker propoganda for my Young Women as we speak.

  • Save the Whales, but don't save the kiss!
  • Kissing is like charity: the more you give, the more you shall receive.
  • Better to have kissed and flossed than never to have kissed at all.

Can I get an AMEN!?


The Mom said...

You better give T a salt shaker to take to seminary to pass around grains of . . .

I'm wishing my one offspring would just jump right in at number five and have done with it. He's taking forever. And I'm ready for my bagillion gazillion grandchildren!

Martha said...

Didn't anyone ever tell you what kissing leads to?

sarahlynn said...

AMEN, sister!

IWA (e - va) said...

too bad dr oz doesnt host the bachelor series...i would love to hear what the MIL gets out of that!

My seminary teacher told me that he only kissed his girlfriend (now current wife) as long as her father would.... i told him he was missing out! .. i also found out that only one laurel is dating.. i told them they need to get out more and befriend more boys... they all looked like i had just told them to kill someone!

Susan said...

Is that seminary teacher for real? No wonder teenagers don't listen to their teachers/church leaders. Get a reality check people! Who the heck narrows down their marriage choice like that anyway? It sounds like the man has no hormones. Seriously, could he be any less romantic?

Stephen said...

Very funny!

Sandi said...

ahhh seminary teachers! One of my daughters quit going during the time they had the apocalypse/twinkle discussion, it just freaked her out too much- now I must go ask if they had this same kissing discussion in their class- that guy sounds like a weirdie to me :) I'm with you- kissing is a lost art which needs to experience a come back- a kissing renaissance! darn kids just don't know what they are missing out on. Just last night my girl was going to a movie with this guy friend who is very cute and I told her she should definitely make out with him and she shot me the death look. what a dummy. (no offense)

M-Cat said...

Obvio - my boys have done it ALL WRONG! (about the kissing etc)

Does that mean that there will be no twinkling during the apocylyps?

Smart Helm said...

Ah.. now I know what I did wrong. Shouldn't have waited until college to group date.
I have 2 questions. Do the other 10/5/3/1 persons of interest get a choice in the matter? Did the seminary teacher follow his own sage advice?
I admit that the potential professional seminary teachers I met at school kinda remind me of Dr. Oz. Combining these subjects into on post... perfect.

Smart Helm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeNae said...

A-YAY-MEN! I don't think kids should ever get married. I'm just saying.

wendy said...

crap, I guess If I would have followed said seminary teachers advice on dating etc, I wouldn't have been married 3 times. (tee,hee)

that was just a little lame-o.
and I even taught seminary, um 30 years ago, shocking I know, but I did.

and I am surprised your mom even REMEMBERS what Dr Oz said. It's all part of the aging,...I watch, and forget.
besides, you can't find half the stuff (vitamins, foods etc) he talks about anyway. Not in my supermarkets.
but I do live in canada, could explain a lot.

kasey kaufusi said...

i agree! was it mckayl?! that stinker When she was here in Hawaii I gave her the kissing talk and to kiss as many boys as she can, her and michelle both almost cried!

lol- save the Whales, but don't save the kiss! love it

Becca said...

Bumper Sticker Propaganda is a beautiful idea.

* You don't know what you're missing when you're not kissing.

* At the worst, he'll remain a frog. Frogs are underrated anyway.

* Kissing: The #1 Solution for all your Cold Lip Symptoms.

T said...

Hmmm... I'm starting to wonder if I used to date said Seminary Teacher. If so, he didn't make the cut.

probably because I'd kissed more than one boy in my life.

yep, two.

hmmm... and if you believe that I've got a gorgeous bridge for sale.

Tell your T that the philosophy is kind of like Baskin Robbins... you might like Vanilla ice cream, but there are a b'zillion other flavors to try... and until you've tasted them all you don't know whether or not you'll be happy with Vanilla for the rest of your life.

and ever and ever after.

(with your b'jillion g'zillion offspring)

Melanie Jacobson said...


Your daughter's seminary teacher is half past weird.

And your bumper stickers are brilliant.

Did you guys miss me yesterday? Huh? Did ya? Did ya?

Garden of Egan said...


Garden of Egan said...

But of course I couldn't stop with just an AMEN I mean what good would that have done?

I think you need to give a talk in church about the benefits of a good make-out session for the youth.
Maybe like Stake Conference or maybe even the BIG one in SLC.

That should be one of the value thingies for getting the medallion. I wonder what color that would be? Hot Pink maybe!

Kazzy said...

EWWW, I really dislike that dating outline. Rubs me the wrong way.

Kissing once as a test? That is as bad (or worse) than kissing each boy you really like.

Martha said...

Ok, I gotta tell you a story. There's a certain family who lives in the townhouses and they are very protective of their children. One of the boys is Adam's age, his initials are NR, and I think I told you that Adam quit hanging out with him because he wasn't permitted to go surfing or dirtbiking or stay out in the sun after 10 am. Well, now that NR is 19 he's decided that he should try some stuff. Josh takes him dirtbiking almost everyday, but his dad doesn't know. Sometimes he and Josh even go to the beach at like noonish when the sun is high in the sky. They are such rebels.

And get this, NR has a girlfriend! Of course his parents are very against this nice girl and don't want him to see her. So the other day NR is sitting on our couch and asking me if Perry and I were upset when Adam had a girlfriend. I told him heck no, I think it was the best experience Adam had ever had. To learn what qualities you want or don't want in a girl is so important. So you go NR. Just don't tell TR and HR, Ok?

P.S. NR has his stake interview this Sunday and his mission papers will be in!

Barbaloot said...

As it turns out that dating advice helps me zero. One, because I have graduated college so it's too late for me to pick my ten. Two, because I've gone passed the alloted number of kissing. Where does that leave me?!

Can I throat punch her teacher?

Barbaloot said...

Oh, and THREE-there will be stupid boys in the class that take what the teacher says to heart as actual gospel (and really, don't get me started on seminary teacher's and their lack of gospel authority) and go on to live their lives that way and it'll really mess with the girls in high school that like them.

No, I am not speaking from experience. Or I am. Whatever.

Leslie said...

Sister AMEN....Kissing is a lost art and we should practice more!!!!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

First of all, HIGH FIVE. I'm glad all the old folks are in agreement with me. ;)

Second, The Mom, hahahahahaha your comment cracked me up. I bet the reason he's taking so long has to do with advice he received from his seminary teacher. ;)

Barb, knuckles! You are joking, but you're not. It's kinda serious the ideas that seminary and Sunday School teachers can implant in our children's brains. Can anyone say INCEPTION?

Martha, NO WAY! NO NO WAY! About NR. I knew there would come a day when he rebelled. So weird to think of being outside at noon as rebellion though.

HAHAHAH I love Garden's hot pink value idea!

Melanie, YES! We all missed you. And talked about you. Go check out my comment to you in my last post for deets.

T, I like your Baskin Robbins philosophy.

Becca, hee hee I like your bumper stickers too. Especially the first one.

Smart Helm, I really liked your comment.

Sandi, I like the kissing renaissance idea. ha ha We

Jillybean said...

I just have to say that I never kissed my husband until we were married.

But before we were married, (when he was my boyfriend/fiance, not yet my husband) I kissed him plenty!

Momza said...

We talk about kissing ALOT in our house...
and I have been known to tell my girls to take those lips out for a test drive once in awhile.
Kissing can be fun and when it's with someone you love, it's awesome!--yep, I tell my yahoos that all the time.
You can tell alot about a guy by the way he kisses the first time.

Bee said...

A-freaking-men. That's the dumbest 5-step program I've seen in my life. There definitely needs to be a rose ceremony somewhere in there.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

AMEN! One of the reasons I'm glad I don't live in Utah - weirdo seminary teachers! That kind of advice and gospel message would seriously mess with my daughter's testimony.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, and "taste your choice"? That is seriously creepy. And what if you don't like the taste of your choice after all that narrowing down?

~A said...

Oh, I have so screwed up my life... I'm marrying a guy I've kissed MORE THAN ONCE.

Furthermore, I think he can handle four kids who have my genes, but a gazillion? He's tooootally gonna leave me for someone quieter.

I am LoW said...

"Then he kissed her. Betsy didn't believe in letting boys kiss you. She thought it was silly to be letting first this boy and then that one kiss you, when it didn't mean a thing. But it was wonderful when Joe Willard kissed her. And it did mean a thing."

Heaven to Betsy series by Maud Hart Lovelace...

That is what I stand by.

Just SO said...

Cuh-ray-Z is what that is. But if you do make up those bumper stickers I totally want one.

Oh and on Dr. Oz?? I hear you. Except it's my mom that watches him.

Miss Shelby said...

AGREED. Get Tatum to kiss someone- FAST!