You know how they say that youth is wasted on the young? Well what about the elderly? If you ask me, old age is wasted on the elderly. I mean all that wisdom and experience and they can't even enjoy it because they're too busy having strokes or dying. Or quoting Dr. Oz.
So torqued at Dr. Oz right now!
Dude! Stop filling my MIL's head with all that mumbo jumbo about broccoli! Don't you know that when you fill her head, she fills my head!?
Every time I eat lunch with my MIL she brings up Dr. Oz and his latest theory about broccoli. Or sugar. Or cinnamon. Or that hard cheese that starts with the letter q. The one that she's never heard of and that she can't remember how to pronounce. The one that helps fight cancer cells.
You know who else I'm torqued at right now? My daughter's seminary teacher. (Okay, for the record I'm not really torqued, I'm just saying that to transition.) But if I was torqued it would be because . . . well . . . should you really be telling a bunch of teenagers that the END of the WORLD is nigh at hand and they could be twinkled within 5-7 years?
Fer reals, should the words APOCALYPSE and TWINKLE be used simultaneously?
And should you really be telling my daughter that after she's twinkled she will get her own world in which to multiply and replenish. With a bagillion gazillion offspring?
She's less than thrilled.
I usually giggle when she's less than thrilled, but I didn't giggle when she told me about his five step dating, (and one step kissing) guidelines.
Allow me to summarize:
Step one: High school. Date groups. And have fun.
Step two: College. Choose 10 people you want to date one-on-one.
Step three: Narrow it down to your top five.
Step four: Narrow it down to three finalists. Now imagine yourself sharing the REST of YOUR entire LIFE, (plus eternity) (plus a private world with a bagillion gazillion offspring) with each of these three finalist. How does it make you feel? If it makes you feel like screaming and running and poking your eyes out, move on to the next finalist.
Step five: Narrow it down to one. Then get engaged. Then kiss that one. But only once. Just so you can see how your choice tastes. (Direct quote, peeps!) If you like the taste, get married, and live happily ever after. And by ever after I mean ever and ever after (with your bagillion gazillion offspring).
Okay, does anyone besides me find this to be fallacious logic?
First, do numbers even go up that high? Second, is there no rose ceremony? Third, one kiss? One freakin' kiss? Is there a pulse in the house?
Kissing is quickly becoming a lost art and we need to do something about it. PRONTO! I'm designing bumper sticker propoganda for my Young Women as we speak.
- Save the Whales, but don't save the kiss!
- Kissing is like charity: the more you give, the more you shall receive.
- Better to have kissed and flossed than never to have kissed at all.