Thursday, February 24, 2011

I'll Be Back!

My mom called a few days ago and asked me if I was okay.

"Yes, I'm fine," I told her. "Why?"

"Because you haven't posted anything on your blog this week!" she shouted.

"Oh," I said. "I forgot about my blog."

It must have slipped my mind since I've been so busy lately. Doing stuff. Crusader stuff.

I've been on the battlefield, peeps. Fighting the good fight. The good fight against dog hair everywhere. (And I do mean EVERYWHERE!)

Remember all that crapola I said about Lulu and roses and thorns? Well be careful what you say, because one thing I've learned through blogging is that you WILL, at one point or another, eat EVERY single WORD you've ever UTTERED.

My feelings for Lulu are being sorely tested and tried. I'll fer sure always lub her, of course. Endlessly. But I wasn't prepared for all this . . . HAIR. Why didn't anyone TELL me about all this HAIR!?

I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere!
I do not like it SPAM I am.
Not in my van or in my jam.
I do not like it on my fam.
Not in a pan or in a pot.
I do not like it SPAM a lot.

(Does this poem make sense? Because it's midnight right now.)

I have found there are several ways to combat dog hair on the battlefield of lub. First, and foremost, you will need a Dyson vacuum.

I cannot emphasize this enough because you WILL be vacuuming every nook and cranny of your house, carport and double wide yard. Several times. A day.

Next you will need one of these shiny, red, front loader washer/dryer sets.

If you don't have the red front loaders, my hub says any ole rusted out, plain white, washer/dryer set shipped from Hawaii will do.

Next, you will need some good reading material.

And finally, you will need the Furminator:

Not surprisingly, the Furminator was inspired by the Terminator:

It's a special de-shedding tool, that terminates dog hair for good. (Get it? TERMINATES?) And it really works. It works and works and works. Much like the Energizer Bunny, it's keeps on working. And working. And working.

Poor Lulu looks like a rag-a-muffin after I Furminated her over the weekend.

(PSYCH! That's not Lulu. I stole this pic from Brother Google.)

The Furminator actually has more in common with the Terminator than it's clever name. I swear on a stack of holy Shakespeare readers that every time I brush and vacuum and launder Lulu's hair, I hear voices.

Voices that bounce off every wall and echo throughout the entire house.

Voices that reverberate across the Universe, in mocking tones, repeating the exact same message over and over and over:

But will I be back? That is the question.


kasey kaufusi said...

I feel your pain, well my mom is probably feeling your pain. when my dog Marge sheds we get trash bags full of fur! sometimes when we brush her it looks like snow! and it never stops!

~A said...

Ugh. I hate dog hair.

I moved away from my parents' house and their two dogs, but I still find dog hair EVERYWHERE- I didn't know it was possible for dog hair to survive 700 miles, multiple washings, vacuumings, and sweepings, and still find its way into a bowl in my cabinet, but it did. Yuck.

Good thing turtles don't have hair.

springrose said...

When I saw that picture of the shaved dog at first I thought it really was poor Lulu! And I thought poor Deb has gone over the deep end, in a big way!!!!! I blame those Ho-made pies you ate.
I grew up with shedless dogs. So I did not fully understand the dog shedding thing until we got two dogs, just wait for coat blowing months! It is never ending!!! That is why I am a mean dog owner, that plus my husband, and daughter are alergic to dog hair and dander. Our poor dog lives ouside now. (Our other dog, if you noticed I said we had two, had to be put down 18 months ago. It was very sad)
I soooo understand the dog hair frusteration.

The Mom said...

Why has no one commented on the heinous insult "I forgot about my blog"???
How could you forget about us, your PEEPS?? We voted for Deb-E, we send dollars to your boy in Las Vegas, we followed your Quilt, and at the first shed of a dog hair, you forget us??
I may have to go sulk for a while.

Garden of Egan said...

I'm so sorry about the hair...dummy I am.
Bet if you gave it, lulu would eat spam.
You'll find hair here and there,
You'll even find it in your nare.

I hope the dyson makes your dream come true,
Cuz it would be sad to have the dummy blue.

(I know don't quit my day job)

T said...

ah, so much poetry (from you AND Tauna... my Seuss obsession is well sated!)

I love the name "furminator"... almost makes it worth having a dog... almost...

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I had kind of wondered what had happened to you as well. Sorry you are spending time fighting the great hair war. Best of luck.

Martha said...

I was thinking that if there wasn't a new post today that something must have happened to you. I was getting worried.

I'm grateful for my short-haired Falcor (or Valcor as you would call him). He's loving living by the park. He always follows us and we have to go put him in the house so he doesn't bug the basketball watchers. Oh they enlarged the football field at Laie park and the goal post is like 8 feet from our yard. So basically if the goal is good, it's in our yard. Terrific.

I don't know if you heard, probably, because it's been a week. Niu Ulima passed away (Tamara's hub). So sad he had a heart attack while playing bball at the Iosepa St. chapel. He was 43!!!

DeNae said...

That book! That finger! You naughty!

And then, holy frijoles! That poor shaved golden retriever! I really DID think that was poor Lulu, and has already been observed by other commenters, I was at that moment convinced you'd gone completely around the twist!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha! OH NO!!!! Not Niu! That was Zach's basketball coach. SIGH! 43!? That could be ME! Thank goodness I don't play basketball.

Martha, did Josh get in?

DeNae, I just did 100 Hail Mary's. Forgive me my indiscretions.

Thank you all for your commiseration and compassion about the dog hair, but The Mom is right. SHAME. ON. ME. That put everything in perspective.

I just did 100 more Hail Mary's.

Peeps, forgive me! I'll never forget you again.

The Mom said...

Go my child and sin no more. All is forgiven.