Thursday, February 17, 2011

I think I just invented a new Mormon party game!

If you ever want to spike your blog stats, just mention the words "sell" "soul" and "devil" in the same sentence.

You can get the same jump in hits by mentioning Donny Osmond or Thomas Kincade.

You're welcome. I'm here to serve.

Speaking of Donny Osmond, he has his own radio show, you know. And yesterday I accidentally tuned into it while driving. He was talking about a study done by Oxford University which has identified the top ten most annoying phrases you hear everyday--the ones that just make you want to scream if you hear them one more time. (Donny's words, not mine).

Here are the top three:

  1. 1. At the end of the day
  2. 2. Fairly unique
  3. 3. I personally
Are you as shocked as I am that Bless her heart, Not to be rude, but, . . . and I'm just sayin' didn't make the list? Obviously Oxford didn't interview my MIL.

If I were to make a list of the top three phrases I hear everyday that make me want to scream, it would go a little somethin' somethin' like this:

  1. 1. There's no more hot water!
  3. 3. I'm HUNGRY!

I think Oxford University should compile a list of the most annoying adverbs. Not to be rude, but I bet most of them could be found in Twilight whilst describing Edward. Bless his heart.

I'm just sayin'.

The rest of them can be found in the hymn books at church. Adverbs are extremely useful in the hymnbook world. Exceedingly useful. Have you ever noticed that?

I have.

But then I spend a lot of time pondering the mysteries of the Universe while I'm sitting in church. Mysteries like why, if the hymnbook asks us to sing brightly, resolutely, thoughtfully or joyfully, do we sing lethargically?

If the hymnbook asks us to sing with dignity, with fervor, with spirit, with energy, with contemplation or with motion, why do we sing with apathy?

I think I know the answer. They ask too much of us. They ask us to sing confidently, boldly, majestically, vigorously, fervantly, firmly, earnestly, peacefully, tenderly, lightly, cheerfully, solemnly, gently, worshipfully, firmly, exultantly, humbly, calmly, meekly, reflectlively, thankfully, gently, expressively, broadly, smoothly and prayerfully.

It's overwhelming.

Not to mention confusing. Firmly confusing.

How do you sing with motion during church anyway? Does it require choreography?

And how do you sing prayerfully? Is it the same as singing thoughtfully and with contemplation? Or is it a combination of humbly, meekly, and reflectively? Do you close your eyes and bow your head, or is it enough to simply fold your arms?

And anyway, what does broadly mean? To a song. Should we try not to be too specific in our harmonies? Should we try to cover as many notes, keys, octaves and melodies as possible?

And when we're singing smoothly, should we imagine melted butter sliding down our throats in order to get into the groove?

I think a fun game would be to mix it up a bit--add some new adverbs to shake us out of our comas. Adverbs like rudely, sarcastically, romantically, drunkenly, speedily, contentiously, or as-if-you-are-alive-ly.

OMGOSH, I think I just invented a new Mormon party game.

Toldya I was gonna be rich and famous one day!


T said...

My sister and I used to sit during Sacrament meeting and point to a random Hymn - and we'd have to act out the "prayerfully" or whatever some such nonsense was written there...

of course, no matter what it SAID every single song was always sung with apathy...

Most annoying phrase ever? "no offense, but..." oh wait, I think I've complained about that one before...

val of the south said...

I have oftly wondered that same thing!!!

val of the south said...

T you beat me to first place...and you even wrote a much longer comment!

Back in the day when we used to have to go to the Stake Center for General Conference, my sister and I would spend the entire time playing Hymn Pictionary...another great Mormon party game!!

Becca said...

ANd then there's the Sacrament meeting game that my kids love - add the phrase "in the bathtub" to the hymn titles. My faves? Master, the tempest is raging in the bathtub. Teach me to walk in the light in the bathtub. Hark, all ye nations in the bathtub.

You're welcome.

Smart Helm said...

I always sing the adverb. The YW got a kick out of it. Some of them really got into it. Of course, it was the week we were visiting RS. Hey, at least they're singing, right?

Vern said...

Holy crap, this is one of my favorite things you've ever written. And I mean that sincerely. As I have thought about it contemplatively.

Martha said...

The lady I work with says, "you know what I mean?" like every two seconds. Josh won't let me say "really" anymore. Whenever he tells me something I say "really" to show him that I'm listening. He says I have to think of something new and different every time. It's hard. My hub says "you know" whenever he's scolding the kids. Here's a common quote, "I work my buns off all day and I come home and you guys are just goofing around, you know".

It's more fun to goof around. Jimmy's home sick today so he gets to watch 5 episodes of Hawaii Five 0. I think he purposely hung out with the sick Blum kids so he could get some of their sickness.

Jillybean said...

I'm pretty sure I would like to be invited to the party you have where you play that game.

IWA (e - va) said...

First off.. You are thinking waaaaaay too much.. Thank goodness you have a blog to vent on..

and Secondly to answer your question.. You do sing lethargically if Sister E is playing.. sometimes i swear We're all sleeping and the Aunty Esther is literally pushing the whole ward to sing faster!

Fun game.. Im going to introduce to my kids on Sunday.. Ill tell you if it cathces on!

The Mom said...

I was going to ruin your hymn-singing life by mentioning something like Becca's game. . . but a little more PG-13 rated. But I won't.
Ruined hymns for me for quite a while.
Sincerely. Apologetically. Blushingly.

On another hand,speaking as the ward organist: Would you just keep up with me people! You're dragging me down to the dirges! Thank you.

Alice Wills Gold said...

I came over from Mormon mommy blogs and I like you. I like your writing style. I like how it has a rambling edge to it. I kind of do the same sometimes.

I guess if I ever went to any parties with other Mormons I could play your new game, but that means I would have to give up my date night and I don't like doing that. Maybe I will try it with my husband next Friday night.

Kazzy said...

psssst... secret... I love D.O.!!

And my new favorite annoying sentence is "I know, right?" GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

wendy said...

well, no where in that list did I see anything that said "SING ON TUNE"

I could use you at MY parties.
just saying
at the end of the day

Dolly said...

"as-if-you-are-alive-ly" Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm loving it.

That's a crack up, I'm stealin' it, new invention of an adverb that I will try to overuse to the point of in becoming annoying.

My kids will thank you. I need a new way to be annoying. At the end of the day, I personally, hope to be fairly unique! ; )