Thursday, February 3, 2011

My secret is safe with you . . .

Okay, okay, okay, I'll spill my secret! But only because I'm having an identity crisis!

I'm applying for grad school.

Do you need a moment to recover from your shock and awe and compose yourself?

So yeah, I'm applying to grad school, which is why I've been jamming all that new vocab into the nether regions of my vacuous head. And no, Barbaloot, I didn't use a thesaurus in my last post. That rhetoric was the real deal! Straight from my GRE vocab-in-a-box flashcards. Not to mention my GRE vocab-on-my-ipod flashcards.

I took the GRE today, btw. Little ole' me! Or should I say, little-ole'-lady me?

I'm been afeared of taking that test for at least 20 years, and guess what? My deepest fears have been confirmed. I'm not a dummy afterall. According to my verbal scores I could get into any Ivy League college in the country. Except Princeton. I couldn't get into Princeton. And according to my math scores I can get into any Ivy League elementary school in the country. Except for Princeton elementary.

It's a good thing I never wanted to go to Princeton.

But I could get into Yale, Georgetown, Columbia, Cornell, Brown, and Dartmouth. And I could get into Harvard. That's right, I, Crash Test Dummy, could actually pahk my cah in Hahvahd yahd! Not the yahd at Hahvahd Business School, but the yahd at Hahvahd Vocabulary School.

So now that I'm finally an expert in something, I've decided to pass along my secrets of success. You too can acquire a whole new vocabulary in less than six days.

(And if you call within the next 10 minutes I will throw in a portable book light. Maybe I'll even throw in a potable book light. Potable. That means safe for drinking. I bet you didn't know that. (Unless you're a Boy Scout or a Mormon.) (Or unless you went to Princeton.))

Grab a a pen because you will not hear these tips anywhere else, folks. That's a promise:

  • Always study your vocab flashcards while driving. This will give you a sense of place which will help with recall. The next time you hear the word sobriquet, you'll think of the curb you ran over at Del Taco, Bifurcate will bring to mind the street light you took out near the public library, and you'll never forget the red minivan you rear-ended on State street when you hear the word legerdemain. NOTE: Please no texting as you drive and study.
  • Associate people in your life with each new vocabulary word you learn. For example, when you see the word Officious, instead of thinking "obnoxious meddlesome busybody" just imagine of the name of the person for whom you are dedicating that word. For instance: Curmudgeon = Billybob. Inimical = Peggysue. Vituperate =Jimbob. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) This trick will keep you from having to say in so many words, "Cranky old man," "hostile neighbor," and "guy who yells too loud at the refs."
  • Don't bother trying to memorize words that start with P or O. These words are impossible to remember. And anyway, you're not going to Princeton, so who cares!
  • Remember that if a word begins with mis, mal, in or contains a V or an X somewhere in the middle, it means something bad. Very, very bad. Twice as many words have a negative connotation as a positive connotation so if you're uncertain as to the meaning of a word, there's a 75% chance is means, abusive, offensive, harmful, vulgar, resentful, rebellious deceitful, or conniving. This is because the man who makes up vocubulary words was going through a messy divorce.

Tune in tomorrow for the top five dating tips/processes, brought to you by my daughter's seminary teacher.

You won't want to miss it.


Kristina P. said...

I won't tell a soul, I promise!

Good for you!

Martha said...

Way to go. Then you can be a an English teacher again. So are you going to go to BYU land?

Kazzy said...

Every one of your posts makes me smile. And good for you and grad school. You rock!

Melanie Jacobson said...



Is that how you spell it?

T said...

I can keep secrets REALLY well... remember I'm the one who... oh wait, that was a secret...

and I want to have a vocabulary word dedicated to me - how about oppugnancy? (I know, I know... it starts with an O... so does opposition - which is about the same thing... I've always wanted to be that "opposition in all things" we learn about at church)

T said...

oh, and I meant to say YAAAAAAAaaaaay...

Garden of Egan said...

I hope you don't ever forget us when your brain gets all fancy and everything.
Wow. You are so awesome.

You almost threw in a few Latin words there too.
You have some bifurcations in your body parts ya know.
Lots of vessels bifurcate.
Better than masticate.
I hate watching people chew.

Well, have fun getting smarter than you already are.

I think you could turn in your blog for extra credit.

Sandi said...

wow man, like that is groovy dude!

IWA (e - va) said...

Good on you! Excited for you.... There is just something about being in a classroom and learning new Stuff.... Too fun!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...


Linsey said...

Fantastic. As a current grad student, I applaud your efforts. As a current grad student, with kids in tow, I also feel compelled to say...what are you smokin'! :) Just kidding, good for you, really.

PS All the vocab I learned for the GRE is gone. Oh, and most of the words I had never heard of, my parents rattled off near perfect dictionary definitions for off the tops of their heads.

Annette Lyon said...

Wait--I thought you were already a smarty-pants with a grad degree because of teaching all those lit classes and, well, smarty-pants-ness. (It's a word. I'm going with it.)

Some day I hope to follow in your shoes. But the GRE scares the bejeebers out of me.

M-Cat said...

Kudos to you! I admire anyone willing to go back to school. I should, but I am so NOT interested....

Barbaloot said...

Good for you!!! That's a big deal.
Since I already took the GRE and then decided I did NOT want to go back to school, I'm more interested in these so-called dating tips. I'll be back tomorrow:)

PS-you and my mom would TOTALLY be friends what with your mad vocab skills and such. She loves to throw out words the rest of us have never heard before.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Martha, YES, and hopefully I can come back to the islands and teach. Someday. After I'm rich and famous. And hey, I checked out Mariko's article in the Star. AWESOME! Sooooo cooooool.

Barb, I may decide that too. ;) Who knows. And you will definitely get a lot out of the dating tips. hee hee. I will post them tonight. Maybe. P.S. WANT to MEET your MOM.

Annette, you would ACE the GRE, girlfriend. Easy Peazy, lemon squeazy.

Linsey, ha ha ha I hear ya, girl.

Iwa, that's exactly how I feel. We are so soul sistahs. I lub learning new stuff.

Garden, ha ha You make me laugh. That is so cool that you know that big fancy shmancy word. You know what? It was actually ON the test. But don't tell anyone I told you. I might get sued.

Kazzy, LY! Fun hanging with you girlies tonight.

Melanie, I heard your book is super darling and funny as helk. I heard that from a famous author who read it. YOU GO, Girl. Were your ears burning tonight because we were praising you?

Dolly said...

There are secret plans and then there are secret plans. ; )