My secret is safe with you . . .

Okay, okay, okay, I'll spill my secret! But only because I'm having an identity crisis!

I'm applying for grad school.

Do you need a moment to recover from your shock and awe and compose yourself?

So yeah, I'm applying to grad school, which is why I've been jamming all that new vocab into the nether regions of my vacuous head. And no, Barbaloot, I didn't use a thesaurus in my last post. That rhetoric was the real deal! Straight from my GRE vocab-in-a-box flashcards. Not to mention my GRE vocab-on-my-ipod flashcards.

I took the GRE today, btw. Little ole' me! Or should I say, little-ole'-lady me?

I'm been afeared of taking that test for at least 20 years, and guess what? My deepest fears have been confirmed. I'm not a dummy afterall. According to my verbal scores I could get into any Ivy League college in the country. Except Princeton. I couldn't get into Princeton. And according to my math scores I can get into any Ivy League elementary school in the country. Except for Princeton elementary.

It's a good thing I never wanted to go to Princeton.

But I could get into Yale, Georgetown, Columbia, Cornell, Brown, and Dartmouth. And I could get into Harvard. That's right, I, Crash Test Dummy, could actually pahk my cah in Hahvahd yahd! Not the yahd at Hahvahd Business School, but the yahd at Hahvahd Vocabulary School.

So now that I'm finally an expert in something, I've decided to pass along my secrets of success. You too can acquire a whole new vocabulary in less than six days.

(And if you call within the next 10 minutes I will throw in a portable book light. Maybe I'll even throw in a potable book light. Potable. That means safe for drinking. I bet you didn't know that. (Unless you're a Boy Scout or a Mormon.) (Or unless you went to Princeton.))

Grab a a pen because you will not hear these tips anywhere else, folks. That's a promise:

• Always study your vocab flashcards while driving. This will give you a sense of place which will help with recall. The next time you hear the word sobriquet, you'll think of the curb you ran over at Del Taco, Bifurcate will bring to mind the street light you took out near the public library, and you'll never forget the red minivan you rear-ended on State street when you hear the word legerdemain. NOTE: Please no texting as you drive and study.

• Associate people in your life with each new vocabulary word you learn. For example, when you see the word Officious, instead of thinking "obnoxious meddlesome busybody" just imagine of the name of the person for whom you are dedicating that word. For instance: Curmudgeon = Billybob. Inimical = Peggysue. Vituperate =Jimbob. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) This trick will keep you from having to say in so many words, "Cranky old man," "hostile neighbor," and "guy who yells too loud at the refs."

• Don't bother trying to memorize words that start with P or O. These words are impossible to remember. And anyway, you're not going to Princeton, so who cares!

• Remember that if a word begins with mis, mal, in or contains a V or an X somewhere in the middle, it means something bad. Very, very bad. Twice as many words have a negative connotation as a positive connotation so if you're uncertain as to the meaning of a word, there's a 75% chance is means, abusive, offensive, harmful, vulgar, resentful, rebellious deceitful, or conniving. This is because the man who makes up vocubulary words was going through a messy divorce.

Tune in tomorrow for the top five dating tips/processes, brought to you by my daughter's seminary teacher.

You won't want to miss it.