Monday, December 28, 2009

My happy holiday hangover

Gosh DANGIT! Christmas is over, and I didn't even post any holiday cheer.

How did that happen? How did the entire season slip away like water through a net? Or more appropriately, like flour through a sifter, or like turkey broth through a colander.

Actually I know exactly how it happened. I was kidnapped. By Santa. He held me captive at gunpoint and made me do all kinds of crazy things--like spread peace on earth and good will towards my MIL.

And then he made me drink eggnog until I was so intoxicated with joy to the world that I couldn't think straight.

(At least that's what I told my hub on Christmas day when he said we needed to go over our finances. (Such a kill-joy, that one.))

Actually I've just been uber duber busy doing the P word. The one that rhymes with fartying like a rock star.

For some odd reason I've been addicted to partying like a rock star this season, which is good because I need an addiction besides Del Taco, but I think I might have major partying issues stemming from my wounded inner-child who always spent Christmas day alone and hungry with her siblings while her poor exhausted mother went to the movies.

I used to cross my heart and hope to die and promise I would stick a hundred needles in my eye before I left my kids alone on Christmas day without any turkey or pie or hot apple cider or homemade fudge or fresh orange slushies.

Is it any wonder my veins now flow with cranberry juice and sprite?

So my favorite party of the season was the slumber party we had on Christmas eve with my in-laws and my silly goose mom, who stayed up all night watching Twilight on our Black Friday big screen TV. We only had one unfortunate incident with my MIL, who was mysteriously mobbed, bless her heart, in the middle of the night by santa's elves.

(I take full responsibility, however, for freezing her bra.)

hee hee hee

She totally deserved it though after she made us finish the peanut M&M's from last year before we could start on this year's bag.

Plus she gave me pineapple salt and pepper shakers for Christmas.

PLUS, she's reading The Undaunted so she kept asking us if we had ever heard of lumpy dick.

Uh-hem! I personally feel it's inappropriate to discuss swedish cereal in public. Especially with your MIL. Ya get me?

Guess what else I've been doing this season? Playing with my x-door neighbor, Martha, and three of her kids who are here for the holidays.

For old times sake I made chili and rice.  And musubi.  But guess what?  Apparently little miss Martha doesn't like musubi because it's too seaweedy. (As my brother-in-law would say, WHAT the CRAP?)

And apparently Martha thought we were homeless because we sell oranges.

And apparently Martha thought I was being krafty because I made a visual aid for my YW lesson.

And apparently Martha thought I needed someone to shovel my driveway.

Since she put herself to work, I decided to put her kids to work as well.

It was a lot of hard work and a lot of misunderstanding, but it was soooo good to see Martha and her kids (looking like Eskimos).

And it was soooo good to see the brat pack reunited.

We took them to temple square because we heard rumors that it was freezing cold and killer crowded and that only half the trees are lighted anymore and that the visitors center closes as you step foot on the premises.

It was all true, but that didn't stop us from pretending to have a semi-good time.

Now Martha is trying to peer pressure us into going skiing.  

Martha, Martha, Martha!  Does your life always have to revolve around FUN! FUN! FUN! 

Frankly, my dear, I'm fatigued of fun. I'm actually glad Christmas is over so I can get back to my monotonous life.  In fact, I can't hardly wait for the new year so I can get depressed and take a long winter's nap.

Not complaining though, I really did have the BEST Christmas EVER! It was so good that this year I didn't even mind buying all my own gifts and letting my hub and kids take the credit. That didn't take away from my Christmas spirit at all. 

Even though I did only ask for one thing: Clean bathrooms. 

Maybe next year, Santa.  (When your elves aren't so busy mobbing my MIL.)  

Seriously, though, I can't complain, because, as we say in Utah, we are seriously SOOOO blessed. 

(We really do say that in Utah, peeps.  Tamn totally plagiarized it.) 

I hope ya'll were as blessed as I was this year!  

LY everyone!


April said...

since i'm in SLC for a few days, i might have to track down that orange stand! hmmm. I hope those rascally elves repented and you didn't get sick from stale peanuts. Happy New Year!!! Have fun playing with Martha!!!!

Momza said...

For the past two years, we were in SLC, specifically on T Square, as my two oldest were married there the week of Christmas...and lemme just say, while it was a heavenly place to seal their love, it was brrrr-frickin-cold as soon as the sun went down! We have put a moratorium on any other Christmas weddings in Salt Lake!! Not doing it!! Happy New Year!

CaJoh said...

I know what it's like to let the holidays just speed by. I feel really bad that I haven't reported in. I'm sure that people either think I have died, or that I am having way too much fun to bother letting everybody know that I even had fun for the holidays.

Merry Christmas, and have a happy New Year.

Kritta22 said...

so glad you had a good holiday season!! I think that's the first I've seen of your hubs...I mean Mr. Crash.
i wanna hear more about the slumber party. Anyone get their hand in warm water??

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Aw, Merry belated Christmas Crash!!

I buy my own presents too! It's the only way I'll get what I really want.

The Garden of Egan said...

Frozen bra? Really? You really WANTED to see your MIL without it???????????????
I can't even go there.
I guess if you had the best Christmas ever and are so seriously blessed then it's OK that your MIL's you-know-whats are born free.

Haynsy said...

I'm really glad that moving to Utah from Hawaii dampened your enthusiasm for life.

You really should check into some medication to get your spirits up.

You seem shy and reserved with your attitude toward Christmas.

Have they really cut back on the lights at Temple Square? And why are you selling oranges? I've been MIA for a few weeks.

Sandi said...

it's true, this holiday season really IS slipping away like water through a net. Make it stop!! Someday, when you write a book about crazy MIL's and the crazy stuff they do, I will be ready and willing to contribute, so don't forget me!
What cute pics of Martha and the brat pack- SOOO glad you got to have da kine visitors on this your first Christmas not living in Hawaii. Good job putting those guys to work-ya should have pointed them to the bathrooms so your fondest wish could have come true :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi everyone! Guess who is sitting right next to me? Martha, Martha, Martha! And she brought us some poppycock. How ironic is that that she would bring us some poppycock on the day I write about my MIL wanting to discuss swedish cereal.

And guess what else? She gave her son a sheepskin rug for his birthday. Who does that?

YES Sandi, I should have pointed them to my bathrooms. TRUE THAT! You always pay attention.

haynsey, LOOK AT YOU! You're cute. Thank you for recommending a prescription med addiction. I need another addiction, besides Del Taco. And YES they really have cut back on the lights at Temple Square. And we're selling oranges to teach our kids how to work.

Okay, Garden, here's a story for you. NO, I did not freeze my MIL's bra, BUT yes, I have seen my MIL born free. It's a long story, but I wasn't even married yet. We were in a club jacuzzi. I think she was trying to scare me off!

Martha said...

Hey, I'm on vacation so yes my life has to revolve around FUN. If my kids don't go skiing or snowboarding I am going to hear about it for years to come. This is our only chance so we have to take it. Thank goodness it snowed today and it's still coming down.

Thanks for entertaining the brat pack and Rach. And I just talked to my hub and he said my son loved his sheepskin---so there.

April said...

hahaha! I love that Martha is commenting in your box while she's probably sitting right beside you. And since it snowed all day I would bet that Martha's kids are shoveling the driveway and your kids are shoveling the lawn. (While one is wearing a sheepskin to stay warm.) Bless their hearts.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HEY CRASH!!! You are partying with Martha and having to much fun... I'm so jealous I wish I was up there with you guys!!!

Temple square is the best even if you are pretending you are only having a little fun!

You are selling Oranges??? What for??? I'm lost or have lost a post somewhere and don't know why you are selling oranges?

You look fabulous as well as your family!

I'm glad you are having a good time of it in Utah.

As for me I have Seriously been SO BLESSED! ;)

Love ya girl

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey Shelle Belle, Lub ya too, girl. I might be in St. George next weekend, if I can talk my hub into it. April, let's grab T and Shelle and do lunch. And April, Martha's kids were shoveling the lawn too. I pinky promise, cross my heart. And bless theirs.

Hi Martha! I'll see you tomorrow for sledding.

Mariko said...

I second your Christmas wish, even if I have to wait until next Christmas.
Martha is such a party animal. I bet she makes you sing while shoveling the driveway.
I don't think I want to know how you got your MIL's bra in the first place.

SWIRL said...

Hey Girl- got your card... lub lub lub it!
Great pictures.
luv the pictures of martha and rachel with pink noses..

The Crash Test Dummy said...

HUGS Mariko and Swirl. I'm so happy to see you. I will come by and wish you both a happy new year!

Anjeny said...

You know Crash, I've been sitting here wracking my brains out(a small brain that is) about why you're my favorite dummy in the whole wide not-so-flat-go-green earth and these pictures just clicked it for me. No one else would be able to turn any move into such an make wherever you move to live the most fun place in the world. Dang, you could be sent to the desert or a swamp and you'd still send wonderful fun pictures of what you guys do for fun and will me any person want to move there..namely me..LOL. No, seriously, I'm starting to think that Utah is the place to live for a minute there...ahahah.

It's absolutely great to see you turning the lemons into lemonade. A belated very Merry Christmas to you and yours and the best and happiest New Year. Can't wait to read what the new year has in store for you.

P.S. I got released from my YW calling this past Sunday and I've been on a bummed mood about it since they told us they were releasing us. Apparantly I was enjoying my calling too much so they decided I needed to go. Do you think I just might end up being the devil's right hand man for thinking I'm going to refuse any callings offered from now on until they find me another thing to do in YW?LOL.

Anjeny said...

Shoots..I meant write "make"..on the third line

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Anjeny, look at you're cute profile pic. I can't believe you got released from your calling. That is exactly how it goes. If you're having fun it throws the whole martyrdom balance out of whack and everyone panics. Something is wrong if you lub your calling. You will get called as Nursery leader next. No, Sunbeam teacher. That is the worst calling in the world. And don't nobody try to tell me different. Or maybe you'll be the scout master. ;) 2nd worst.

Anjeny, come to Utah and play with me. LOL! You would love all the kute krafts. You might get called to be the Enrichment leader. Oh, wait. We don't call it that anymore do we. Relief Society generic meeting leader.

prashant said...

I'm sure that people either think I have died, or that I am having way too much fun to bother letting everybody know that I even had fun for the holidays.

Make website india