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Thursday, October 21, 2010

I think I can, I think I can . . .

Raise your hand if you're wondering how my hub took the blow.


The blow about the Utah cops sneaking into my room at night to watch me sleep.


He took it remarkably well, all things considered. I had to do some fancy wordsmithing, but he didn't file for divorce.


"Honey, remember how you always used to dream about fast cars and fast women?" I told him. "Well guess what! You're living your dream!"


And I'm living proof that the universe works in mysterious ways.


Yesterday when that lady cop pulled me over she asked me if I was in a hurry.


"Is anyone in a hurry at 30 mph?" I said.


She gave me an attitudinal adjustment. In the form of a ticket. Then she told me to be safe. And have a nice day.


I told her I was on my way to the doctor for my annual check-up, of which I haven't had in nine annuals. "Is that being safe enough for you?" I said.



On my way to the doctor I saw a boy I kissed in college at the stop sign. He smiled and let me turn in front of him.



I didn't even feel a flutter.



Okay, that's a lie. He didn't smile. I don't think he felt a flutter either. I don't even think he felt a glimmer of recognition. (But then I had really big hair in college.)



It was the first time I've gone to the doctor here in Utah so I was nervous. It was also the first time I've had a "complete" physical (if you get my drift) since I had my twins, so I was extra nervous. I get kinda weird when I'm extra nervous.



My new doctor was recommended to us by my old doctor in Hawaii so I thought that might be a nice conversation starter as I laid there getting everything sampled and drawn and smeared.


"So how do you know Doc N?" I asked.


"I was his little league coach," he replied.


"Oh." I said. "That's neat." (Neat? Who says neat anymore?)


Silence.


"Ironically Doc N. gave me my first pap in Hawaii," I told him.


More silence.


"And you're giving me my first pap in Utah."


Still more silence.


"Ain't life funny like that," I continued, my eyes on the ceiling. "I bet that thought never occurred to you while you were coaching Doc N. in little league."



"What thought?" He said.



"The thought that the two of you would give the same girl a pap--twenty years apart."



Screeeeeech! Can someone please smack me!



But fer reals, I was nervous and I had all sorts of questions going through my brain. Like, what if I have cancer. I DON'T WANNA DIE YET! At least not before I clean my bathrooms.


And what if Lulu is off somewhere getting herself knocked up with the neighbors Bassett Hound? I don't think Bassett Retrievers would sell very well, do you? Yes, Lulu's in heat, And YES, I've been wondering why they don't make doggy kotex.


Other things I fretted about as I laid there all vulnerable-like: I hope the bishop doesn't figure out I'm overqualified to be the YW prez. I really really like all the other leader ladies. And the girlz are okay too. I kinda lub hanging out with them. Right now the girlz are planning the entire Young Women in Excellence so last night we met with the class presidencies to help them make sashes. Each girl's parents had to come up with one word to describe their daughter and then we wrote the word in glitter across the sash.


I had a heck-of-a-time coming up with one word to describe my daughter. So I wrote a list and took it to her for approval.


"Refined," I said.


"Oooh, that sounds like an old lady word!" she said.


"Okay, hows about Genuine? or Authentic? Or Too-Legit-to-Quit?"


Silence.


"Corageous?"


"Mom! I don't want to know what word you're picking!"


"Sassy?"


"MOM! Just pick a freakin' word! But don't tell me what it is!"


I ended up chosing Brat.


(Mwuahahahaha.) (That evil mad scientist laugh is so yesterday, isn't it!)


So, now it's time for a commercial break.


The following message is a paid advertisement for Sam-E Complete and the Crash Test Dummy. Brought to you by The Little Train That Could:


A few days ago my daughter turned 16 and started looking for a job.


"OOOH, OOOH, OOOH, pick Smoothie King," I told her. I LUB Smoothie King. Even more than Jamba Juice. So while she was applying on-line we came across this other job for what is called the Good Mood Blogger. The gig is for Sam-E and entails blogging every weekday for 6 months about what makes you smile.


"I CAN DO THAT!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, because seriously, what doesn't make me smile, right? I got super excited about it and started telling my kids "I WANT THIS JOB. I have to win this job!" over and over.


But then I got kinda shy about it because it's a popularity contest and I hate popularity contests.


I almost gave up the idea, but then my fourteen-year-old son said "MOM, you have to try. You're always telling us we can do/be/get anything we want if we try hard enough."


"But someone already has 2,000 votes," I said. "I can't beat that."


He thought for a minute. "Well, you can make an announcement in Young Women on Sunday," he said. "And I can tell all my friends. And we can call all the family. And what about your blog and Facebook!"


"But that would be like campaigning and I hate campaigning. What if nobody votes for me and I look like a loser?"



That's when my youngest twin (by 1 minute) piped up.



"Those who have never failed have never tried anything new. Albert Einstein."



Oh golly, he got me there. So I'm trying it. For my kids. (And for the $$$$.) But mostly so my kids don't think I'm a hypocrite. (And for the $$$$.) (Fame and glory wouldn't be so bad either.)



So VOTE for me. And I promise there will be longer lunches and more recess. And no more homework.


http://www.sam-e.com/job/entries/506



See that link up there? Click on it. Every day. Until November 10th. PLEASE, please, pretty please. For the kids. (And the $$$$.) I need to get into the top 20 to make it to phase II--the video, and I'm at least 500 votes behind as we speak.


What are you waiting for? You can vote once a day, on every computer in your house. And at your office. And in your school computer lab. You can make up little slips of paper with the link and pass them out to all of the students you advise (Look to it Martha.) And you can force your students at gunpoint to vote for me for extra credit. (Look to it Miles and Keola and Lisa.)


MAHALO everyone!







Wow. I think I just overcome my fear of public speaking! YAY!

13 comments:

IWA (e - va) said...

First! Hah! Am i the only one up at 2:32 and cant go back to sleep!

So im all for you winning, because that means we get to read you 5 times a week right? yay.. lets gets you winning!

Yay for the hubby not going ballistic (one time i got pulled over in Utah, my husband was going off on me in front of the cop and getting all pissy.. the cop felt bad, told my husband that everyone makes mistakes and that he thinks im stressed and thinks that he should take me out to lunch.... all a while i sat there bawling... and he let me off with a warning! haha!)

Boo on the pap... but i guess it should be yay on the pap because now you'll know the your health status... i hate paps... (when i was at BYUH, if i ever had to get anything really personal done at the health center, i always went on a day when your husband was off, i didnt want any chance of him being the doctor.. (crazy?) im sure he wouldnt of cares cause the hubby is an awesome doc.. i just thought it would be weird on Home teaching sundays!

WV: Moman..... You moman's out in utah are crazy! haha! btw did you really put brat on the sash... hahaha! crazy moman!

IWA (e - va) said...

PS.... voted and your BIO on Sam-e is Hilarious! GL!

springrose said...

i voted but now i need to go read your bio. ANd I am so busy I can't go back and fix my non cap's!! Sorry

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

I'm doing my part too. :)

Even though I never get a shout out no mores. :(

ha!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

LOW! OMGOSH! I'm so hap hap happy to see you! I haven't seen you in forevers! I miss you so much! So are you gonna write a little children's booka about Zoe or am I?

Thanks for doing your part. I will shout out to you as the GOOD MOOD blogger, because you always put me in a good mood.

I hardly shout out anymore. My voice is kinda hoarse.

LY!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YAY Springrose, THANK YOU! Just think of all the exposure we can get for the magic quilt if I win!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa, LOLOLOL about your home teaching comment. Oh boy, I hear ya. Imagine me having to travel to conferences with Doc N after that. Major embarrassing.

I wish I had had you hub in the car with me when I got pulled over. I could use someone to make me cry.I take my punishment too easily. I'm going to fight this ticket. Get a doctors note for my rare form of narcalepsy. hee hee

And for the record, no I didn't really put Brat on the sash. ha ha I didn't really have that ironic conversation with my doctor. ha ha I'm not that weird.

And I'm not that funny in real life. ha ha

Sandi said...

I just decided that smear is a really bad word.
Are you going to go back to that Dr., you know, like in 9 years when you go back for your next annual exam? Maybe he will be more talkative then. That whole description of how that played out made me shudder!
I shall go vote and decide if your bio is funny or not. I'll let ya know what I decide. Cause I know you care.

The Mom said...

I voted for you.
Sometimes you make me laugh.
Sometimes you make me cry.
Always I'm glad I've read you.
You're amazing.

Sandi said...

OK you are pretty funny. Love the Nachooooo reference.
Also, I took their quiz and just so you know, I am stable, like a mighty oak.
YAY.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Sandi, I couldn't be ThAT funny. It's a job application for goodness sakes. I had to tone it down a tad.

I am also stable like a mighty oak. ;)

Sandi, don't forget to vote for me today.


The Mom, you are so sweet. But you forgot to say that sometimes I make you cringe.

LY!

Mariko said...

You didn't thank me in advance. You thanked me behind. Ha ha. (I still read you in my reader, I just hate commenting with one hand--the other has Mozely--- so I'm a silent supporter lately. Which is annoying.)
You CAN win.
And if you win you can come to Hawaii.

Your WV is "priest".
Now that's just weird.

Martha said...

I'm finally reading this post today, but we have been voting for you cuz you told Nan to. See if Mariko was back in school she could give extra credit to all her classes and have them vote for you. Maybe she could make her sub do that. Does Mariko know that my daughter is in her class and hasn't even met her yet?

Glad you survived the ticket. I got in trouble yesterday because I poured out this super nasty smelling bucket of scum. Apparently is was special expensive cement glue. I was just trying to clean up you know. Anyway, I made up for it by painting extra and even making Tommy paint. We still haven't finished the exterior. But.....Jim and Nan had an awesome bday party. Check out my facebook pics. The only things missing were W & G.