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Sunday, October 3, 2010

I'm a glutton for gluttony


Does anyone else feel bloated? And not just because it's General Conference weekend and you've been feasting on the word for two days straight.


I've been feasting on the word and feasting on the feast, if you know what I mean.


Last night my hub took my boys shopping at Kohlers. It just so happens that on Saturday night at Kohlers you can fill a box with donuts for three dollars. What I mean by that is, you can FILL it, as in stuff it, cram it, jam it full with as many donuts as you can fit. It's an all-you-can-eat donut extravaganza.


My particular boys, flesh of my flesh, slammed 50 donuts into one box.


You heard me right.


You just lost a little respect for me, huh?


Fifty freakin' donuts! They're the size of pancakes, but I'm guessing they pack the same caloric punch.


UGH!


To top it off, yesterday was our annual breakfast buffet at The Golden Corral with my IL's.

This photo is courtesy of the internet and does not necessarily reflect the attitudes of the author. Any similarity to actual food consumed is purely coincidental.


Remember last year when my MIL taught me patience at The Golden Corral? Well patience is a virtue you only need to learn once before you get the hang of it. This year we gave my IL's a 15 minute head start.


And yet we still somehow managed to finish an hour before them.


My children finally left us, crawled out to the car, put the seats down and crashed while my hub and I exercised one of our virtues.


My hub says my MIL should be the ambassador for The Golden Corral. She could go around from table to table making recommendations on all eight types of shrimp available. And the fish. And the omelets. And the waffles. And the steak. And oh, the desserrrrrrrrts. She could make an anorexic eat the dessert at The Golden Corral.


I KID NOT.


Finally my FIL got up to leave. "I'm stuffed!" he said.


"Us too!" we said.


"WAIT!" She called. "HOLD THE PHONE! STOP! In the name of glub! I haven't had my ice cream! Can you give me five more minutes?"


I don't know if it took her five minutes or thirty minutes because we made like a tree and leafed, but I would error on the side of the latter if I had to take a stab at it.


My stabs are pretty accurate when it comes to all-you-can-eat food/time ratios.


It's not just the eating that drags things out so long, it's the talk-talk-talking. And the list-list-listening. Our topic of the day was food storage because my hub and I announced that we had shopped our first ever case lot sale at Maceys.


"Three whole carts!" I bragged.


This reminded my IL's that they still have their food storage under their stairs. It's been there for over forty years.


FORTY YEARS! What the HUH the HOW the WHY?


"That can't be still good!" I declared.


"It is." said my FIL. We checked it ourselves twenty years ago. Or thirty maybe."


That's brilliant if you ask me because if the world gets nuked wouldn't you want to make a quick exit? A can of forty-year-old wheat oughta do the trick instantly. And it would look like an accident. You get me? Even Gad wouldn't suspect.


Get this: my MIL has a can of plum pudding from her parents food storage. The 3rd ward was selling it to buy a new organ back in the early 1900's.


GULP.


"DON'T EAT IT!" I shouted.


"Oh, I won't," she giggled. "I know it's no good. I'm just keeping it for sentimental reasons."


Don't you just want to hug her?



Okay, has this post made you sufficiently nauseous, or what?


Me too.


I don't think I can stomach another donut or hear another church talk for at least a week!



13 comments:

Becca said...

Ewww. I cleaned up my storage room this week and realized that I have a case of spagetti-ohs. A case. I don't think I've bought spagetti-ohs for maybe four years. Ick.

Momza said...

Crash, you said it perfectly.
I have feasted on the Word,
as much as I have feasted on food--
at the table,
on the sofa,
and I am full to overflowing on all accounts.
I have cooked three complete meals every day for two days and I am tuckered out.
As for food storage,
I will quote my Mr. Wonderful when he was recently asked in a PPI, about how much food storage our family has:
"About thirty minutes."

Kazzy said...

A very feasty weekend!

And some people are just plain dangerous at buffets. My 14-year old being one of them.

T said...

ditto all of that.

well, not the plum pudding - I'm refusing to ditto that part on principle.

(okay, just ditto on all the stuffed bits... though we only crammed a dozen donuts into our box... we apparently shopped at the wrong place!)

IWA (e - va) said...

Oh I miss Golden Corral.. What I would have given for 5 minutes at their breakfast buffet.... or the dinner buffet..... or the dessert buffet... even with you MIL yakking in the background...

My parents have one of those 20-30-40 yr.supplies of food storage under their bed.. In high school we didnt have money to buy toilet paper to decorate cars & houses so i stole 10 ten random cans (labels came off) and we went around and pelted cars & houses with it.... It was so disgusting and fun at the same time.. i bet if you stole some and had a food fight with your youth, they would learn their lesson about keeping food storage for so long!

LKP said...

sounds like my grandma's food storage, lol. there's stuff in there probably close to 40 yrs old now....and then there's my hubby's deceased mom's stock pile that we FINALLY went through a few months back. she died when he & i were in the 1st grade.....my FIL hasn't touched it since then...so it's all just sat in the shop for, let's see, 30+ years now. she passed away 24 yrs ago. that's where we got our 5 gallon bucket of the best honey on the planet! it was dated in the 70's. hee hee. good thing that honey doesn't go bad, unlike your MIL's mom's plum pudding!

Vern said...

To Crash's MIL - Touch that plum pudding and the only organ anyone will need to buy will be the one that deflates inside your rib cage upon contact.

She laughs and acts like she knows better, but I don't trust that woman.

Jillybean said...

What I want to know is, did the third ward sell enough cans of plum pudding to buy themselves that fancy new organ?

Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how my son's friends (at a scout activity) dared him to stuff an entire donut into his mouth at once. At least your kids were only stuffing donuts in a box.

Barbaloot said...

50 donuts?! I'm taking those boys with me next time I need to stuff something important.

There was definitely gluttony going on over at my house as well. Good thing conference is only every 6 months!

Martha said...

Oh, to live in the mainland and have access to all the good food in the world at rock bottom prices. Gosh one donut here would cost $3.

Sometimes it's worth it here though. Like yesterday when I took the 4 youngest on an adventure. I posted some of the pics on my blog and have more to do today.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Martha, I'm one step ahead of you. I already saw your adventure pics. AND commented on them. HA!

Jilly, I wanna know that too now. I can't imagine they did. That's just my opinion though.

Vern, ha ha ha ha ha I don't trust that woman either. ha ha ha

LPK, My MIL told me that honey never goes bad. She has honey too. Maybe it ages like fine wine. I hope so because honey is so freakin' expensive.

Iwa, HA! Are you serious? I have never tried that one. And you know what I lubbed about The Golden Corral? Polynesians here, there, and everywhere. I almost felt like I was in Hawaii. Our waitress was Tongan. Skinniest Tongan you ever did see though. It just wasn't right.

Momza, high five. I just lub you. Were you kids eyeballs stuck on their plates? Is that how much you ate. ha ha

Becca, Spagetti-o's LOLOLOL. That' one I haven't tried.

Just SO said...

The 3rd ward was selling them??? I'm a member of the 3rd ward. It rocks. I bet that plum pudding is awesome.

Sandi said...

I stink at food storage. I hate that you had to go and bring that up. They didn't say one word about it at conference you know, so I was feeling ok. Now you go and ruin my inner peace!
We feasted way too much as well...not like 50 donuts worth, but still.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE your MIL stories. they are my fav!