Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dear Braden Bell,

I wish you hadn't cried in my comment box yesterday because now I feel guilty that, as a new author of The Road Show, you were stuck in Tennessee judging field day during the LDS Storymakers conference.  

If it makes you feel any better, you didn't miss much.  Seriously! 

It was kind of a yawner. 

The best part was the Cheetos and Mountain Dew. 

Normally I would just grab a bottle of water, but it gave me a little thrill to think of drinking a Mountain Dew at an LDS venue.  So I took it. 

And then I giggled. 

When Melanie J. saw me drinking my Dew she was reminded of a story about someone close to her who used to drink twelve Mountain Dew's a day until his teeth finally fell out.

I didn't giggle after that. 

Braden Bell, do you feel better now that all you missed was Melanie J killing my Mountain Dew joy?

Oh, and you also missed me sneaking DeNae's Circus Animal Cookies during the Description workshop. 

The way it went down was like this: I slipped into the seat next to DeNae before the Description workshop to find her commenting on my last post. I grabbed me a handful of cookies, popped them in me mouth, and said "whatcha doin?" She turned the computer screen my direction so I could see that she was looking at the photographic evidence of us I posted on my blog, then she poked my eyes out. But not before I was able to make out her words in my comment box: 

"Holy Frick and Frack Mister. Bigglesworth! How many chins does one me need?" 

Without warning, the half-chewed cookie spewed forth from my mouth in projectile motion and the girl in front of me moved seats.

So Braden Bell, you missed the Mountain Dew and the Circus cookie shower, but that's it.

Besides the high heels.  There were many way cute high heels at the conference.  Mine were way cute. And DeNae's were way cute. But Melanie J's were WAY cutest! 

See what I mean? Even her French toes were way cute.  

Her baby was way cute too!

Don't you think she could be MY baby? (Sometimes I wish I could steal me a baby. Does anyone else ever get that urge?)

Oh, and Braden Bell, you also missed meeting Annette Lyon. 

I have no earthy idea why I cubed this photo.  Maybe to prove that it's hip to be square.  

(pssst, Annette, don't tell Braden Bell, but you're workshop was da bombdiggity.)

Hey, if you look closely you can see my Peace necklace. Thank goodness no one tried to beat me up.

So Braden Bell, I'm sorry I made the conference look like so much fun, but don't feel bad, the most intellectually stimulating conversation I had was when me and DeNae found ourselves some comfy chairs and kicked our high heels off and talked about Davide Sedaris like a couple of love sick school girls.  

The conversation went something like this:

Me: LOL, remember the time he was learning French . . . LOL

DeNae: ha ha ha ha ha and remember the chocolate bell . . . hee hee ho ho ha

Me: And how he was trying to quit smoking . . . (tears streaming my face)

DeNae: And the bouquet of flowers on the table . . . (doubled over).

And on and on and on and on it went.

Btw, peeps, Kazzy posted photos of that sparkly ring that nearly hypnotized me.  Check it out here. But beware because her whole blog is hypnotic. Even her profile pic. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

And hey, let's all give Braden Bell some support.  Check out his new book cover. As my favorite student, Wolfgang from Austria, would say, It's TREMENDOUS!  And if you want to read more about Braden Bell's new book, click here.


DeNae said...

Look at me, being the first commenter! I guess you all are better about not blog hopping on the Sabbath. I'm so going to miss you when you're translated and I'm left here to water the lawns.

And, um, yeah. Pretty much ditto to everything else. Although I would like to clarify, I didn't bring a ginormous bag of cookies to the conference. Melanie gave them to me because she loves me thismuch and I had to tote them around the rest of the day. Which, as Crash has pointed out, provided much-needed stimulation during some of the more narcotic presentations.

Heidi Ashworth said...

And here I had just told myself that reading about it on my friend's blogs would almost be like being there but it isn't at all--it's just depressing. BUT I have to agree about Melanie's shoes, toenails and baby. AND she has a new house covered in roses. At least Braden and I can cry together, if being in two different states constitutes togetherness. . .

DeNae said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeNae said...

And poor Braden, he left me THREE e-mails, all of them variations on a theme of "it totally sucks to be me right now even though I have this awesome new book coming out and the book cover is pretty much to die for I'm gonna eat circus animal cookies til I barf waa waa waa."

JayKay, BB! JayKay!!

(p.s. I'm the one who removed that one comment cuz it had too many typos even for my loose standards)

T said...

DeNae is bloghopping on the Sabbath AND just admitted to having Loose Standards... pshhhh, and having just come from an LDS shindig too...

who's bringing the Circus Animals to CBC? because THAT is who I'm gonna sit next to!

T said...

and don't think we didn't notice your Charlie's Angels hair... lookin' good!

Braden said...

Bwa-hah-hah-hah. I read your post, Crash, and laughed and laughed until I cried. Then I read DeNae's comments and laughed until I cried some more.

How in the world did a graying, pudge-ing, straight drama teacher in a sweater vest get such good friends?

As we say here in TN, mahalo, ya'll.

And really field day was kind of fun. So don't feel bad for me. And so were the auditions for our middle school version of "Fiddler on the Roof." It was worth it to get my own letter on Crash's blog.

Heidi, I am with you though, hearing Crash talk about how un-good it was is so funny that it's still kind of sad. I do feel solidarity in our mutual exclusion from all the fun stuff, though.

I'm also going to buy some animal cookies as soon as the sabbath ends.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee hee hee hee

DeNae, I miss giggling my guts out with you. Miss Heidi and T and Braden, go get a pocket knife, draw blood from your pinky finger, press your pinky fingers together via the computer screen, say YA YA three times and pinky promise you will all come next year. It would be so much more fun to kick our high heels off and spit Circus cookies during the boring parts if we were all together. Miss Heidi, maybe next year you'll be winning the Whitney Award. Or maybe it will be Braden Bell.

DeNae your JayKay made me LOL! Miss YOU!!

Miss you too, Melanie J.

P.S. Can I have your baby?

P.S.S. T, thanks for noticing my Charlies Angels hair.

IWA (e - va) said...

You're such a Rebel! :)

So did Stephanie Meyer show up? or is that a swear word too at an LDS writers convention? (heehee)

Thanks for introducing us to Braden.. His book looks awesome and for 7 buck im not saying another whord before he raises that price!

RoadShow huh? i think you may have found "your" calling!

So Braden has a brother named christian that has a blog that is HILARIOUS! I found it on bradens side bar just a few minutes ago with your link....

WV: lifored... mixing it up:RED FO LIF!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa, hee hee hee Yes, I've also read Christian's blog and it is stinkin' FUN.KNEE.

I should put it on my own sidebar.

I LUB your red fo lif ha ha ha ha

NO, Road show is not MY calling. PALEASE don't curse me by suggesting that to the universe.

Hey, I had to pay $12 for that book. Didn't I? Or was it $11?

No, Stephanie Meyer didn't show up. She's much too big time fo' that!

But my verifier say sucto, which is a vampire swear word.

val of the south said...

I want to spit animal cookies!!

I'm pretty sure I'd have to wear Depends if I was in a room with you and DeNae!

Just don't get DeNae and her sis Amber together - they are freakin' hilarious - they just keep reminding each other of the most amazingly funny stories and they are the absolute best story tellers!!! It's painful, I tell ya!

Sounds like a fab time!!

I saw Jill at the March of Dimes babyshower Saturday - Do you wanna IKEA with us week after next?

Melanie J said...

Right this second, YES, you can have the baby. But not the shoes.

Miss you!

Kazzy said...

You sweetie pie, shouting out my blog! You are so photogenic. :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YES, Val! I want to do IKEA with you and Jill week after next. YES YES YES!

Did ya'll hear that? Melanie says I can have her baby! No takesies backsies, MJ.

Ah Kazzy, thanks, but I airbrushed my face. That's why you can hardly recognize me. ;)

Kritta22 said...

You guys are so funny!!! I wanna be part of the cool crowd!

I'm moving to Utah.

WV: in blogity, no doubt...roll in, roll out...hey-o hey-o, hey-o, heeeey-oooo (It's a old school rap school from back in the day!)

Garden of Egan said...

I think it sounded like a ton of fun. I read DeNae's blog and now I'm reading yours. I think I almost didn't need to go cause you recapped so well.

I hope to meet you both at CBC. I want some autographs.

Is Braden going to CBC or is he too famous?

Braden said...

Hi Garden of Egan,it's nice to formally meet you. We've been commenting on the same blogs for so long I feel like I know you. I am way not famous. I am not going to CBC because I am so not famous that I have a day job and other mundane un-famous things that get in the way of stuff like this.

Annette Lyon said...

Melanie J's shoes are always the bomb.

After reading this, I want some Animal Crackers (but shouldn't eat any because of that horrifying double chin. FREAK! Lovely picture of me, that . . .)

SO GREAT to meet you IRL! Makes me want to use the word "lub" or something. *sniff*

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee Annette Lyon. I think it's just my camera. Or maybe it's Melanie J.'s photographic evidence skillz. She took both you and DeNae's holy-frick-and-frack shots. In a sitting down position. That's always dangerous to be shooting up. But STILL, we ARE hip to be square.

Garden, Braden won't be at the CBC because he lives in Tennessee and he's a bishop. Bishops don't blog. ;)

SIGH! I'm trying to decide if I can splurge and go to the CBC myself. I want to eat more Circus Animal cookies.

DeNae said...

The CBC is gonna be the happenin' place. And I think Braden is now in the stake presidency or is regional rep or maybe pope or something.

Garden of Egan said...

Crash.......will you text me?
I wanna be famous.

Anonymous said...

It was so great to meet you over the weekend. I'm still trying to figure out where I know you from.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh, how I wish, I wish I could have been there to giggle over David Sedaris with you and DeNae! I heart David!!

By the way, I want to talk to you all about certain cathartic writing, but it's hard to do over email. I'll be in Utah in July! Please, let's talk when I'm there! Please, oh please!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Alyson, YES, let's get together in July. When will you be here? I hope it's not during Trek or family reunion at Island Park. I'll be gone the week of the 17th. And Trek is the 29th. I can't wait to meet and talk catharsis. Hey, I bet you understood every one of those David Sedaris references, huh?

Garden, you silly goose. I would text you fo' sure, even though I hate texting with a passion since I dropped my qwerty phone in the toilet.

Kim, it was so great to meet you too. I KNOW we know each other from somewhere too.

DeNae, I gots me some cards, and a Dave Barry book. Two steps forward. Still debating about CBC, but probably will sign up today.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh yes, I loved and understood the Sedaris references! Hehe!

I get there July 13th! Sounds like we can figure out a time to meet up. Yay!

Braden said...

Crash, you had to pay more for the book. Sorry. That's because you bought it from me and I only gave a 20% discount and Amazon gave a 30% discount. And, your price includes shipping which the Amazon doesn't.

But just to make sure you don't feel bad, I'm going to do something special to the cover so yours will be a special edition. Deal?