Friday, April 2, 2010

Imma Brat

April Fools jokes are like wishes--choose carefully, lest they come true.

My daughter got into a fist fight with her English teacher yesterday.

Apparently it wasn't a bad fight. It was a good fight, as she put it--one that made him think deeply about literary devices and their uselessness.

Of course he, having English teacher eyeballs, is under the impression that good books show the story rather than tell the story by employing such devices as similes and metaphors. They may make allusions and foreshadow or they may conote or denote. They may use paradox or oxymorons or dramatic irony or personification.

My daughter, in her infinite wisdom, raised her hand (I hope) and declared that this was nonsense.

"Do authors really even think ahead like that or is it just accidental? I mean do they really say 'hey, this sentence needs some onomatopoeia?'"

"What a good question!" said the good English teacher. And then he went on to explain that all the best books are full of excellently executed literary devices.

"What about Twlight then?" She said. "Everyone is obsessed with Twilight and it doesn't use any literary devices."

"I'm talking about books that last forever," said the good English teacher. "Books that people remember." He used Ernest Hemingway as an example, explaining how painstakingly Mr. Hemingway revised every sentence to make sure every word and image was casting spells and creating magic.

That's when my daughter put on her best imma brat face and said, "But nobody reads Ernest Hemingway."

And that's when her English teacher poked her eyes out.

I think I would marry that English teacher if he asked me.


Sandi said...

love it when i'm first.

Sandi said...

You are on a man kick this week. Third grade crushes, 5th grade bad boys in peach shirts, teachers who you want to marry. hmm.
don't hate me if I tell you that I have never read Ernest Hemingway. I think your bratty daughter is right :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha Sandi. I would marry anyone who pokes my sassy pants daughter in the eye over literary devices. ha ha

It looks like my daughter's English teacher needs to poke your eyes out too.

Ernest Hemingway is da bomb!

Braden said...

I am trying to figure out a way to write this in Haiku or employ equally elegant, essential literary devices. Unfortunately, all I can think of are overwrought adverbs and a possible showtune parody, so I just want to say good for this teacher!

I feel pretty passionately about this since I spend my day pushing back against adolescent attitudes saying, "Why do we have to sing this? Why do I have to sing like that? Taylor Swift doesn't sing like that?
Blah blah blah. Go teachers!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

That's right Braden! You tell 'em!

Maybe I'm more on a teacher kick than a man kick this week. ;)

Hey, my verifier say vereely

Vereely, vereely, I say unto you that what Braden says is true.

April said...

I think Crash's Crush has resulted in a significant case of spring fever....even though there's snow on the ground.

Jami said...

She says there's no point to onomatopoeia to CRASH? That is wrong on so many levels.

Barbaloot said...

Gotta say I'm with your daughter on this one. Ernest bores me. At least Steph kept me entertained.

And I've also wondered if authors REALLY took the time to put all that stuff they made us study in English in their books or if scholars came along later and saw what they wanted to. Just sayin.

Garden of Egan said...

How does the English teacher know that Twilight won't be around as long as Isaih?
Just sayin'

Maybe all English teachers should have their eyes poked out....or not.
What would Crash have to blog about?

Garden of Egan said...

Oh, by the way, if you are going to St George next week we HAVE to get together! Seriously.

I was thinking maybe I didn't want to go, then it snow like crazy yesteday and now I can't get out of this place fast enough.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

oh, btw, Garden ha ha ha I agree that all English teachers should be poked in the eye, present company excepted.

Although if you think about it, an English teacher eyeball for an English teacher eyeball would make the whole world blind.

Barb, I've said those exact same words and been a bratty student like my daughter (and you) (and Sandi). I think most authors, especially really good one, have a 6th sense and naturally write with literary devices without even realizing or recognizing it. But I will testify that there is a whole lot of deliberation that goes into the revisions to make sure all the literary ducks are in a row.

Just sayin!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Jami, hee hee


Martha said...

I just can't keep up with all your Englishy stuff. I can't believe you got so much snow over there. It's all for you guys because you wanted it.

Good concert last night on April Fool's day. Dan B. did an ochestra comedy thing. Perry and Darren were in it as well as Dave Bybee. Really funny.

The Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Mom said...

Don't poke *MY* English Teacher's eyes out. It would make me sad.

The English Teacher's Wife
(There's a song about that.)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Ooooh I want to come to St George, I just might be able to make it work. Keep me in the loop. Is April done being quarentined? I should see if Queen wants to go. Hmm something to think about.

val of the south said...

I would so come to St. George just to have lunch with you all, but my mother-in-law is here for spring break :( :( :( :( :( :(

There is truly no emoticon that shows how TRULY sad that makes me (though I'm not sure which makes me sadder - that I can't lunch with you, or that my mother-in-law is here!!!!!)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAH Val! I want you to come so bad too. For your bread and jelly, of course.

Pat, YES! Let's do it. I'll email Tauna, and Shelle to see when they can. I don't know if April is still in the bubble, but I'll find out. If she is, we'll just sit outside her window and sing.

And bring her a Jamba Juice.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

The Mom, I thought that song was about the preacher's wife. ;) I will exclude all English teacher's at BYU-Hawaii and Kahuku from getting their eyes poked out.

Martha, I bet that was such a fun April Fools concert. Dave Bybee is heelarious. Was Darren there? Dan B. seems like he has some comedic timing too, elsewise Emily wouldn't have married him.

DeNae said...

So, there we are in Sun Valley, Idaho. Ketchum, to be precise. And we're in the little Ketchum cemetery, taking pictures at Hemingway's grave. And our kids are sitting on the stone, posing and stuff, and my daughter finally says, "Ick. I can't sit in this dust any more. It's all over me!"

And that was when I told her it was the ash from cremated fans, brought by their loved ones to be poured over Hemingway's grave.

Oh, the look on her face was priceless! Parenthood doesn't offer a lot of rewards, but we full-on LIVE for moments like that!!

Mariko said...

Oh, I definitely would have poked out her eyeballs.

He does have a good English teacher voice. I probably would have just said, "Shaddup" and put F on the next paper she turned in.