Have a Coke and a Smile

I haven't been around for a few days because I've had a nasty case of Spring Break fever and I didn't want to put you all at risk while I was still contagious.

Spring Break fever is when you go from pre-vacation stress to vacation euphoria to post-vacation depression within four days. It's a classic case of WHAM, BAM, MAHALO MA'AM!!!!!!!!

Ain't no antibiotic for that, you just have to push through it.

To make matters worse I've become one of those stiff-necked people.

Not to sound like the diary of a wimpy kid, but my neck is SOOO DANG STIFF!

Almost as stiff as that church lady who purses her lips together every time I dismiss country music as a conduit for revelation!

Do you know how hard it is to blog when you're neck feels like the church lady? At this very moment I'm using one hand to type, while using the other hand to roll the Body Secret ball I purchased at Big Five for $15.99 across my achey breaky neck.

I've also been heating my magic bean bag scarf up in the microwave and double wrapping it around my church lady neck. This strategy has helped to burn a few calories near my throat, but I'm still unable to play head banger rock band with my boys.

Yes, I switched pillows. And yes, I'm doing yoga stretches. I roll my head slowly down and around and back and forth and around and around several times a day in an attempt to loosen up, but this only results in me breaking into a cold/hot sweat. The kind that makes my MIL lean in and touch my knee with a bunch of adverbs, like knowingly and curiously and sympathetically, and say, "are you taking a hot flash, honey? Bless your heart, have you reached . . . that time of life?"

Oh Gad!

Oh honest to Pete!

"NOOOOO, I haven't reached that time of life!" I tell her. "My neck is just having a little mid-life crisis is all. It has, as of late, grown a bit . . . kinky. And knotty."

In other words, my neck is under the influence of Hip Hop music--(or the-devil-made-me-do-it music, as the church lady would say.)

(I think I may have popped too much Ibuprofen because no one is gonna get that joke unless they spend a lot of time in the car driving their 13-year old son around.)

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that even though I haven't been writing them down, I've been thinking some stinkin' heeheelarious thoughts about Spring Break Fever and what it's like to travel by car (up hill, both ways, in the snow) with a man who only listens to rock operas or to songs that whistle like, The Entertainer or Zippity Do Da.

(For the recore, it's freakishly amazing how many rock operas that man can whistle to.)

So go ahead, have a Coke and and smile on me, because, trust me, you would be deep belly laughing right now if I had written down some of the thoughts in my head. Thoughts born from hearing my 13-year-old say things like, all rightie then or what have you been smokin? every time I said something smart.

Not to mention the thoughts I had after listening to my daughter recite pick up lines all the way to St. George from one of her free iPod apps.

Her personal favorite, drumroll, please . . . Hey, did you f@rt? Because you just blew me away?

And my personal favorite . . . If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.



Be back soon.