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Monday, April 19, 2010

Why Not New Zealand?

There's not enough crime in Utah to go around. The cops here are seriously! so! bored!  

SERIOUSLY!

I first suspected it when I got sent to traffic school for stopping after the stop sign rather than before the stop sign, because you can't see the oncoming traffic if you stop before the stop sign. 

"I know the stop sign is in a weird location," said the cop, "but the law is the law, and it's my job to enforce it. Besides," he added, "I'm bored silly." 

And then my hub got pulled over for going 7 miles above the 20 mph speed limit.

And then a fight broke out in the park behind my house between a couple of Junior High boys.  My thirteen-year-old son saw the whole thing go down and said, and I quote, "it wasn't even a good fight." (This from a boy who grew up in Hawaii.) Apparently there weren't any big Samoans involved or any punches thrown. It was just two scrawny kids rassling around on the grass. Someone alerted the proper authorities and within minutes seven cop cars were swarming around the boys.  

Saw it with my own two eyeballs. 

I like to imagine the cops all lounging around the station playing solitaire when they got the call and suddenly sprang into action, all seven of them at once, fumbling with their jackets and tazer guns and handcuffs and numchucks shouting, "I GOT THIS ONE!" over each other.  

Hee hee hee 

What we need is more crime. And less seminary teachers. 

Was that rude? 

It's just that my daughter's seminary teacher is a little . . . intense. 

In Hawaii the 6 a.m. seminary hour was her favorite part of the day, but here in Utah she comes home saying things like "ARG! The church has too many rules," or "UGH! My seminary teacher says the weirdest things. They were never this weird in Hawaii."  (This from a girl who is nearly finished reading the Book of Mormon for the 5th time.)

"Well honey," I said, "They go to school and get paid to be weird here in Utah. In Hawaii they just volunteered to be weird." 

This conversation took place on Friday afternoon while we were stretched out on our backs across the trampoline soaking up something unfamiliar.  The name escapes me, but it's that warm, bright, burning ball of gas that sits high in the sky.

Anyways, point is, it was a particularly lazy conversation in which our eyeballs were closed but our minds were open.  

"My seminary teacher says that you have to be worthy to see Christ.  Is that true?" 

"Hope not," I said. 

"He says it's sorta like we're going to need a ticket to see Jesus." 

"What like a concert ticket?" I asked. 

"Like you have to get an interview with the bishop to make sure you're worthy to get a ticket to see Jesus." 

My hub was there too, but he was snoring on the other side of the tramp so he was of little use to me as images of a meadow of wild flowers and me running in slow motion to greet my Savior danced in my head.  In my head Mozart was playing in the background, but he stopped suddenly as soon as Jesus asked me for my ticket.  

I'm sure I will have a ticket when the occasion arises, although I probably won't be able to locate it, or, with my luck, it will be expired.

Sometimes professionals make me want to poke my eyes out. 

I tried my best to navigate the complexities, as my hub was busy sawing logs, but there were other things my daughter was not pleased to learn. The location of the Garden of Eden in particular.  "Ewww," she said, "of all places . . . Missouri? Why not New Zealand?" 

That's what she wanted to know. Why not New Zealand. 

I've since heard her ask a few different people this why-not-New-Zealand question, but my MIL had the best response by far.

"Missouri is really beautiful from what I hear," she told my daughter, and then she paused, but not for dramatic effect, "although frankly I would have been thrilled if the Garden of Eden had been in Provo.  Just saying." 

Sometimes unprofessionals make me want to poke my eyes out too. 

To me it seems like such a straight forward answer. "New Zealand? Really?  The Gads would be crazy to have Middle Earth and The Garden of Eden share the same venue!"

You get me?


21 comments:

Barbaloot said...

I was always kinda partial to the Missouri location. Seemed like it'd be easier to get there when the time came... you know? I mean-that flight to New Zealand is not the funnest thing I've ever done. I pick Missouri.

Homer and Queen said...

Why not Vegas? Oh...that's why...Sodom and what?

springrose said...

I hate it when Seminary teachers do this! What about all the people who haven't heard the gospel but live it's principals? I say, we don't know every little thing about our "meet and greet" with Jesus. But he does, since he is the one in charge of it! SO I say live life like you should and you will be invited to the party!

Momza said...

I say invite the Seminary Teacher to dinner, a romp on the trampoline, then poke her eyes out.

Sandi said...

I think we must have the same cops and seminary teachers as you do. I don't know how they are covering Utah and Arizona at the same time but they must be. I want to poke their eyes out all the time and it makes me mad because I looooved to go to seminary and they are making it a little difficult to love going any more. UGH.
I'm with your girl- New Zealand sounds way better than Missouri. And I love your version of meeting the Savior. I'm sticking with that- but I might have Josh Groban singing istead of Mozart playing :)

Garden of Egan said...

You ought to try and live the rules in Iceburg. WOW! Near impossible.
I hope neither one of you get put on the FBI list for breaking so many laws.

T said...

I vote New Zealand - regardless of Middle Earth - I've always wanted to go there after all.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hee hee I'm with T, sorry Barb.

So, if it's in Missouri, what about all those people overseas? And do you think the people in New Zealand are as disappointed as my daughter was? And will there be enough tickets to go around?

Garden, I have tried to live those rules in ICEBURG when I went to Ricks College. The hardest ones for me were the pumps and dress pants ONLY rule (on campus) and the hair above the color. It made me cringe on the first day of school when I was waiting in line to get a job and the proper authorities were going up and down the line with scissors and giving haircuts to the young men who didn't quite comply. Nothing like public humiliation to motivate you to be a better person.

Amen Sandi and Springrose! In fact, Jack Johnson is singing "Never Know" in the backround as I type this. How fitting. I could go for a little Josh Groben in the background. ;) Maybe "Let This Be Our Prayer" or something.

Queen, HA HA HA! Vegas was probably the second choice. Just missed it by a mile. My thirteen-year-old son went there last week for the first time with a friend. He called us and said "I can see why they call it sin city." hee hee He was a little shocked by the pictures of naked ladies all over the sidewalks.

Momza, I lol'd at the thought of inviting my daughter's seminary teacher for a romp on the trampoline. At least you didn't say a romp on the tramp. hee hee

Sandi said...

p.s. I voted. You're welcome.

DeNae said...

I was going to ask you exactly what tramp your husband was sleeping next to, and if they had re-instituted polygamy in Provo, like a pilot program or something ("We'll see how the residents of the not-quite-Garden of Eden like it, then we'll introduce it to the rest of the church").

But you beat me to the punch line.

And my seminary teacher took Scott Carter and me into the hall and said, "You two are great leaders in our class. And right now, you're leading everyone straight to hell."

No kidding. Think he'd have an aneurysm if he knew I now TEACH seminary teachers?

A gal can dream...

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Well well well. Denae if I was drinking a liquid I woud have spit it out when I read your comment. hee hee hee

I think the best news is that there are infinite tickets to meet the savior, due to the infinite nature of the atonement and all, so everyone who wants a ticket will get one.

IWA (e - va) said...

Hahaha! I love the topic and the banter in your comment box! You gals are hilarious!

Just like jeans i think good seminary teachers come in seasons... my first year i had Sister E-----burg.. I dropped out after a couple weeks and went to saturday seminary my junior year to make it up so that i could graduate from it!


So ive actually been to Missiouri.. yes it beautiful (the large spacious parts), but we got lost in the ghetto one day and thought we'd never make it back to hawaii alive!

Saw kameron today.. told him i was giving air hug from you.. he said he misses Z and was so nervous on saturday that he was trying to think of happy distractions and texted Z!

katie t said...

please tell me...PLEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE tell me that you are NOT knocking "middle earth" cause them are fightin words!!!!!!! this comin from a person who framed a $20 map of "middle earth" in a nearly $500 frame. NO LIE and extreme? maybe. but loved? oh yeah baby!!!! that things coming with me no matter where i go, even when it's to pick up my ticket and go see christ. he's seeing that too!!!

(was that sacri??? i hope not cause if so, i just love my ticket priveledges!!!)

hehehe

katie t said...

yep. that WAS so sacreligeous....unintentional but still a tad bit sacre! oooops just don't hold it against me ok! :)

kasey kaufusi said...

ah the cops gotta love them I got chased by five when i was doorbell ditching with my friends....then they said they were going to arrest me if i didnt tell who was with me....then we ran from them the whole night...I miss those days running from the law!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Katie, I didn't think it was sacre at all so no worries. And ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I would never dis on Middle Earth. My dad read the whole trilogy to us when we were kids so I hold Middle Earth near and dear. That's funny about your $500 frame of the map. My dad actually fashioned Sting and an Ork sword out of metal. I vividly remember them both. He was obsessed. Then he buried them at the top of Sugar Knoll in Mt. Carmel and someone stole them.

That's how the story goes anyway.

Hey, my verifier says undun. ha ha ah

She's Come Undun. That will be the name of my first novel. ;)

At least it doesn't say Undung.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi, THANK YOU! You da bombdiggity!

I am cracking up at the image of Kute Kasey running from the cops. I can see how easily such incidents would shape your identity. I have had 4 or 5 incidents with the proper authorities since I've lived in Utah and I'm starting to feel like a rebel. Not all of them were with the cops, some of them were with the Bishop. One of them was the day our business license expired at the Orange Stand. The police pulled up within an hour. I'm surprised they didn't handcuff me and take me away.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

DeNae, ha ha ha ha ha ha I lub it that you were leading your seminary class straight to helk and that now you are a teacher yourself. My hub would say that's ironicity at it's finest. ha ha

Sometimes he makes up his own words, which is why I married him.

Actually I married him because I knew his parents would be great material for my first novel. ;)

Pat, you are always so right on. I hope I can see you again soon. Remember when we went to the bathroom together at The Olive Garden? hee hee Me, you and Val, talk talk talking through the stalls?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Iwa, thanks for sharing my air hug with Kam. He is the cutest boy ever. I bawled like a baby when I said goodbye to him. He was the last person I hugged. He was the first person who popped into my head when we got the call to tranfer to Provo.

"But what about Kameron?" I told my hub. "What will Zach do without Kameron?"

I'm LOLing about you having sis E---burg for seminary and dropping after two weeks. hehahahahahahahahahaha That is a classic inside joke for us who have done scouting in Laie. Oh, she is such a kick. My kids can still quote both her and her husbands testimony stories. Just the other day my boys were repeating the story about the time the home teachers came over and Bro E----burg jumped in the shower for 30 minutes. Have you heard that story? They heard it every month for a few years so they know it word for word. h a ha ha aha hah

LiafromLaie said...

Hmmm... I'd hate to be in that Seminary class. Then again I was quite the challenge in all of my classes. I always questioned the authority of my teacher in making presumptions. I would have made that teacher tell me her sources and what makes her such an authority on the fact that to see Jesus you need a ticket. I don’t remember the people of 3rd Nephi needing tickets to see the Savior. Then again maybe these teachers are given “special” information that is unseen by the masses as to inspire us to be worthy to qualify for a ticket. I just don’t like that thought of tickets cause it makes it seem as if they could run out.
As for the Garden of Eden… if it can’t be in NZ… I’d take Hawaii! But you have to figure that a lot has happened to the Earth since the days of Adam and maybe back then Missouri looked a lot like NZ… or even Hawaii. One can hope right :D

Donna Tagliaferri said...

I taught seminary for 8 years (and yes Danae was my teacher) I had the best time messing with the other teachers, it is true that some people don't really understand the gospel - but hopefully someday they will. That we believe in a very big God who can save us all, imagine that? ....and by the way any false doctrine I taught, I learned from Danae. She drinks diet coke...