Friday, April 30, 2010

My first-ever familial wedding extravaganza

I guess I've milked the LDS Storymaker's conference long enough, huh? I still have one more semi-related story to share, but I better catch you up on my real life first.

I'll start backwards.

Yesterday I got to go to one of these:

Besides my siblings, this was the first familial wedding I have ever been within proximity to attend.

It was a lovely spring day in Salt Lake City.

Besides the freakin' SNOW!

And besides the fact that I wore the wrong shoes for freakin' SNOW . . .

Not to mention the wrong legs.

And besides that fact that I rode all the way to Salt Lake with two fingers and a Vanillaroma air freshener shoved up my nose because my in-laws spilled gasoline in their car.

Other than that it was great!

I got to give my hub a bad hair cut, then spend the day looking at it.

I also got to spend the day looking at my bee-U-tiful daughter.

And every time the bride and groom went like this . . .

I got to hear my MIL clap her hands together and squeal, "Oh goody goody!"

Have you all been formally introduced to my MIL?

Peeps, meet Dixie.

Or, as I like to call her, Dixie Darlin'.

She's a keeper.

If it weren't for her I wouldn't know half the wedding traditions I know now--like how wedding cakes were made of fruit cake in the good ole' dayz, which was cut into small pieces, covered in Saran wrap, then divied out among the wedding guests, who would take them home and place them under their pillows. By the power invested in the fruit cake genie, whatever the wedding guests dreamed of that night was sure to come true.

My MIL did in fact sleep with fruit cake under her pillow on occasion whilst dreaming of her current hub, whom she has been living happily/semi-happily ever after with for the past 60 odd years. (And I do mean odd years.)

(Shhh . . . don't tell anyone, but we shared Chinese food and a Mountain Dew before the wedding luncheon and I stole my nephew's fortune from his fortune cookie, which said You have a charming way with words, but which my hub, who doesn't believe in fortune, callously threw out with the leftovers.)

After the wedding luncheon we rushed home where I hauled out all my winter clothes from storage for my twins baseball game. But even with two blankets, a sweater, my stay-puff marshmallow coat, a scarf, and pair of gloves, I quickly resembled a human popsicle.

After the game my hub made the mistake of telling my twins they could do aloha wear for the wedding reception.

This is how they interpreted aloha wear:

"That's not aloha wear!" I gasped.

"But I'm wearing a Humuhumnukunukuapua'a shirt!" said one twin.

"And I tucked my shirt in!" said the other twin!

Would you like to see photographic evidence of what the one twin looked like after he changed into his wedding reception attire?


So guess who I saw at the reception!? Guess! Guess! Guess!

Barb from Barbaloot Suit

She was wearing her famous magic red shoes!

I was (by then) wearing my winter tights and riding boots.

With a few staples we would make a lovely centerfold, dontcha think?

Those magic red shoes really work because guess who caught the wedding bouquet without even trying?

It sailed right into her arms as if she were a marriage magnet.

You go, Barb!

The rest of the wedding reception was pretty dull (if you live in the Twilight Zone).

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only person who doesn't live in the Twilight Zone because no one else seemed the least bit amazed that our name had to pass security clearance to be admitted into this reception.

Or that some chica was wearing a skirt made out of ties.

Or that we were standing on the actual floor from the all-star basketball game in 1993, (which, btw, had been purchased by a private citizen for her private residence).

Or that the cake was being cut in front of Michael Jordan's jersey.

Or that there was a styrofoam strawberry ball at the food table.

But then I've never been an up-town girl, so maybe I'm easily impressed.

I am happy to report that at the end of the day I did manage to capture some photographic evidence of my hub doing his air guitar slash river dance.

In case you can't tell, his blood relations are also doing various interpretations of his jig.

You see what I mean about the Twilight Zone?


val of the south said...

At least they're his family? I hope :)

Susan said...

Yay! I'm only the second to post, so you might actually see this! I'm Melanie J's friend. You chatted with me at the Friday night dinner at Storymakers. I wanted to add you on Facebook (that is if you do facebook). But guess what? I forget your name. And I'm pretty sure it's not Crash Test Dummy. here's my email address:

I need that name to add you. Please, please?

Oh, and btw, your hubby and his relatives dancing is hysterical. Thanks for the laugh.

Susan Auten

Donna Tagliaferri said...

How fun! I feel like I was there, but I feel badly that you live in the snow instead of Hawaii...Hawaii seems cooler.
I have to say you look wonderful!

Tiffany said...

That first picture of the wedding Is so so pretty, what a lovely photo. I love dancing at weddings, but I you know what I love more, pictures of people dancing air guitar river dances at weddings.

Barbaloot said...

In my defense, I was forced (FORCE I say) by none other than the Crasy Dummy Herself into that bouquet catching black hole. I'm bummed I didn't stay long enough to see your husband's jig. Clearly that was worth seeing! And at least your name was on the list!! Took me awhile to convince them I could go in under my dad's name:)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Barb, remember my writer's conference tip? If you want to be struck by lightening you have to stand in the path. Sometimes you have to pushed into the path by those who believe in magic. ;)

Tiff, hey I drove past your old house last weekend. Can I just say, how did we live in those teensy boxes?

Donna, you are a sweeite pie. And you are right to feel bad. I was way cooler in Hawaii. Seriously!

Susan, I emailed you! We will soon be Facebook friends. My daughter will be mad because she's trying to get more friends than me. She's only got five more to go. Six now. Maybe you could be her friend too.

Val, of course they're HIS family. hee hee

cfoxes33 said...

That is hysterical! (Your hubby, that is. :)) What a fun time. I think your kin cleans up nicely!

Garden of Egan said...

Your hubs does an awesome airguitar thing. My hubs would love to join his band cuz he's also gone pro.
Ya, he looks like a spaz doing that too.

Not that your hubs looked like a spaz or anything.

I wanna be your facebook friend!
I want you to text me too.
I think I'm gonna collect texts.

I'm thinking that tie dress would be a fabulous YW project. Being that Utah got a green chapel and all that.

I think you should have taken a pix of you in your marshmallow coat.

I think you MIL looks like a total awesome MIL. I wanna be one of those.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

YAY that you saw Barb!!! Loves her! And isn't she just the cutest thing eva!?

Looks like super super fun!

Ya know, for a wedding thingy.

katie t said...

yeah!!! i LOVED this fun!!! and have i said it enough, that i LOVE your boys!!! the wedding...WOW!!!

Kazzy said...

Looks like fun. I so wish we had had dancing at our reception! Maybe we can renew our vows and try to do the reception again!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Way to go Barb, we do need to find you a good looking single football player.

Love the dancing. So much fun.

Anonymous said...


The Crash Test Dummy said...

I wish I knew who the identity of my Chinese fan. For all I know it could be one of my former students. DeNae, can you translate please? If no one steps in to interpret, I will just have to assume it says "Your are a very good dummy."

Nutty, how is Women's Conf? I'm glad you didn't come to the reception. We would have had to sneak you over the wall. hee hee

I wish I had dancing at my wedding too, Kazzy.

Hey, how funny is this . . . my verifier says momics. We are all a bunch of momics. That could be taken as we're funny moms or we are trying to mimic our moms.

Katie, my boys lub you too.

Shelle, yes I lubs me some Barbaloot Suit!

Garden, my hub has an opening in his air guitar band! Let's me Facebook friends. Are we? I have no idea. I don't do Facebook much. And if I liked to text I would text you. I don't really text DeNae, she texts me when she's going to be late to a bloggy dinner, that's all. I bragged for no reason. MY MIL is sooo awesome. She's a total hoot. What a good sport, huh? And about the tie skirt . . . that girl collected those ties from elders on her mission and the back of each tie is signed with a personal message on the back so underneath her skirt is like a mission yearbook. How funny is that?

Barbaloot said...

Okay Crash-if I get married anytime soon, I'll be sure to thanks you publicly at my reception for pushing me into the lightening. And Nutty-if I marry a cute football player, I'll thank you for stalking, er finding, him for me:)

DeNae said...

How did I miss this post?? Honestly, someone at blogger was asleep at the switch.

OK, first things first: I think your Chinese fan is saying, "I always learn something new when I come here". The symbols mean "can be learned and ask questions". (You do realize I don't speak Chinese, right? That I copy and paste the symbols into a translator? That doing so is my only post-1995 internet skill? Well, now you know!)

And guess what, peeps? Crash Facebook friended ME! I thought I was cool when Sue the Navel Gazer FB friended me, but this -- THIS is the coup de gras of coolness!! Which as you know is "mow the lawn" in french.(Hmmm...that doesn't sound right. Stupid translator...)

And I would rather sleep with a soggy fruit cake under my pillow for a year than wear a skirt made of other people's ties out in public. Calling Stacy and Clinton! Fashion crisis of Biblical proportions!!

I have more to say about snow on tulips, red hot tamale heels, and relatives attempting to make it rain in some idolator's basement.

But I'll text it to you later!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

See Barb, blog friends have always got yer back.

DeNae, hee hee I wonder what new thing was learned in Chinese from this post. Hmmmm . . . how to wear a tie yearbook? How to do an Irish war cry? How to bring out the energizer bunny in your MIL. (Believe me,it's not hard.)

Verifier says fract. As in, That's a fract! Or, That's only a fract of what I wanted to say. Or, Holy frict and fract, Mr. Bigglesworth.

It's early and you'd think I was taking cold medicine or something, eh?

Homer and Queen said...

I would have loved to so Barb and the dancing. Loved the snow on the tulips! And I remember your marshmallow coat!

Martha said...

I'll hook you up with Perry's brother who sells ties. I could get you some dirt cheap and you could steal that girl's tie skirt idea and make a million. Then with that million, you can donate some back to us to fix our stupid house!!!!

Perry comes home from working on the house yesterday and says, "I quit, I'm selling it right now. It has mold and I'm going to die from mold spores". (I got all excited because I don't want to move over there.) Then he makes an appointment at the health center to see if he's going to die. I'm totally serious, he did. Aaron told him that he's not dying quite yet and that he should wear a mask when he works on it.

I've been trying to convince him to subdivide, sell the existing house, and build me a brand new big house on the front of the lot. Now that the house has mold, asbestos, leaks, and the plumbing is messed up, he's thinking that might be a good idea. So now we will just fix up the house and move it for a short while while our new house is built. I really dig this plan so I hope he doesn't change his mind.

Perry's tie selling bro is coming next month. Can you believe we will finally have visitors?

Josh and I made 6 huge pans of cinnamon rolls yesterday to sell to pay for his trip next week to the Big Island for states. He made like $100 so that will help offset the cost of his trip and make his dad happier. He's practicing up a storm and getting really good. He plays like 4 hours a day. Porter even talked to me about having him practice with the girls in the fall. I told Porter that Josh is definitely interested in playing for the Seasiders. (Ok, I'm interested in him playing for the Seasider).

That wedding looked like a bunch of fun. We are thinking of having a dance in a couple of weeks.

T said...

So fun... much better than the typical church gym reception, where nobody has ever hung Jordan's jersey...

Does this mean you and Barb are related now?

Mariko said...

You DO live in the twilight zone.
Styrofoam strawberry ball?
That is just weird.

You have great legs. And no one should be caught dead in pantyhose. Unless they need vein support. I'm so glad I've left pantyhose behind forever.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

You are one hot mamma! Great legs and great shoes! Can't believe it's still snowing in Utah. We've been using our air conditioning window units since March.

Do you ever feel like the Mormon community is very small, sort of incentuous? Everyone is connected to everyone through marriage, friends, ward members. It's all very kevin bacony and six degreey. You and Barb at the same wedding is definitely one of those moments!

Anonymous said...

Nothing like a good wedding to bring out the best in people.

I know Barb! We went to High School together. Weird.

April said...

How fun to run into Barb at the reception. I think it's even funnier that Barb had to talk her way into the reception. I would think that her shoes would be enough to get her in!

Just like Queen, I too remember your stay-puff marshmallow coat. You make it sound so big! You looked adorable in it!

I must say I am very impressed in your hubby's air guitar skillz. Having boys who are extremely competitive in this field in my home, your hubby can hold his ground!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

April, ha ha my sis-in-law was Barb's YW prez, and speaking as a YW Prez (who won't be needing security lists at any of my kids weddings) my YW girlz will be on the list fer sure.

Hey, did you guys notice I used to say fo' sure when I was Hawaiian, but now that I'm Utarded I say fer sure.

Mary, if you went to high school with barb, you must know my nephews and nieces too. What a small world. Or as Alyson would say "what a kevin-acony, six-degreesy world!"


Thanks Aly!

And, sort of.

Mariko, I thought I had left pantyhose behind for good too. I mean, fer good. But I wore them all winter. I HAD to. It was cold. My sis refuses to wear pantyhose, cold or no cold. She's super chic no matter what the weather. I'm super shabby. Especially when it's cold.

Martha, I LOL'd over your description of Perry asking the Doc if he's dying of mold spores and you smiling because you thought he was throwing in the towel with the house. Good luck overcoming the mold and the asbestos and the leaks and the bad plumbing. MY GOODNESS, girfriend, you've got your work cut out for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY for Josh selling $100 of cinnamon rolls. Are you going with him to States? Have you seen Tyler A? Good luck!

Martha said...

Tyler and Cody both hit with Josh Thurs & Fri.

Ok, new plan. We're not selling the house. We will fix it and still build a new one and then rent this old one. We will live in it for like a year. Perry says two years, I say one. He's hiring a plumber an electician and a guy to fix the bathrooms. I'm going to tile and paint.

Braden said...

It was nice to finally meet your MiL. Now that you did this first ever weddingpalooza, you see what it is I miss about living in UT!