Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Brain Sweats!

Is it just me, or was that the longest Aloha Friday ever? 

Sorry 'bout that.  I spent the last 4 days sweating profusely.  But not from my eyeballs, from my brain.  

There have been so many things to sweat about.  First of all, my IL's took us out to the the Golden Corral again.  This time it was breakfast for my twins birthday.  I thought it would be easier because you don't eat dessert after breakfast, right?  But that didn't stop her.  She waited until everyone was done eating, then she went and got an omelet.  Do you realize how long it takes to make an omelet at Golden Corral on a holiday?  And that's not including eating time.  And digesting time in between bites.

Loooooooong story short, I can teach patience too, so I pulled a business card from my wallet and every time she put her fork down to tell a story I started tapping it against the table right in front of her plate.  

Mwuaaha ha ha HA! 

While she was listing every family birthday in September I was tap tap tap tap tap tappity tap tapping. 
While she was telling the ages (tap) and attractability (tap) of each prophet (TAPTAPTAPTAP), I was a regular Gene Kelly.  Too bad it wasn't raining and I wasn't singing. 

My kids were outside the window swatting bees by that time so at least I had something to focus on to keep my head from spinning around and popping off.  

Finally, she was down to her last bite.  We made eye contact.  Slowly but surely she lowered her fork to the table and I swear to Gad a slight smile began to form in the corner of her mouth.  

But SUDDENLY! I stood up, grabbed the cars keys, air kissed my hub and said, "BA-BYE now!" 

Was that rude?  A girl can only learn patience so fast, right?  

There are other things I'm sweating about too.  Someone from my new ward came over--a lovely lady who looked lovely, but kept apologizing for not looking lovely.  She said she needed to find out about my history.  It didn't sound too dangerous at first--I was born a poor black child and such--but then she cut right to the chase and asked me straight up "what previous callings have you held?  What about your hub? What are your talents?  Where do you work?" My throat closed up and I had to excuse myself to breathe into a paper bag. 

I ended up breaking the commandments and telling her I was the Disneyland Coordinator and that my hub was the Rock Band instructor.  

Then at church the Bishop wanted to see us after sacrament.  I thought I was in trouble for yawning through all the hymns.  I couldn't help it.  They take peacefully and gently to a whole new level in Utah and I had to concentrate to keep from sliding into a coma.  

"I just want to get to know you," he assured us, but once inside his office he sat us right in front of his 50" framed Family Proclamation and opened his 8" binder.

"Are you available on weekdays?  Weeknights?  Weekends?  Sundays? Holidays? Birthdays? he said.

We both looked at him with our best deer-in-the-headlights impression. 

"When can we start putting you to work? You look like enthusiastic folks, with a lot of energy."

"I actually just got out of a coma," I squeaked. 

"We don't waste time around here.  We'll put you right to work.  Do you guys ride bikes?" 

"Bikes?  No.  We don't even own bikes." 

"Well you can borrow some.  We're having a ward biking activity next Saturday.  We'll be biking 10 miles.  Do you own any spandex?"

"Spandex?  No.  Spandex is against our religion."  

"You can ride back too, that makes 20 miles." 

"We hate biking, actually." 

"And there's a 65-miles option too, if you're up for it." 

That's when I got up and poked his eyes out.

It's a new place, which means new demands and stresses and expectations.  For my hub and I it's a new dynamic, new patterns, new behaviors.  We are trying to get used to each other in our new roles--Me, itchy with a "b" and him, assive with a "p."   

At least our roles are not reversed.  I'd hate to be itchy with a "p" because then I'd never get my shot on American Idol.  And I'm glad he's not assive with a "b" because I'm a total salmon snob. 

Anywayz, Aloha Monday!  Can't wait till Friday. 


SO said...

assive with a p!!! I laughed so hard! Wonderous.

Good luck on making the Utah adjustment. And the 65 mile bike ride. Go buy some spandex.

SO said...

Oh and it's going to be a good day. I got the first comment. :)

sarahlynn said...

That totally made my day, thanks! I laughed so hard. By the way, I think your whole family could pull off spandex quite nicely. Just be sure and take a picture, okay?

T said...

a poked out eye a day keeps the nasty callings away. hmmm... that would work on a t-shirt right?

WV says alast... somewhere between alas and at last... seems appropriate to me...

Jillybean said...

I can't believe that you poked out the eyes of your bishop! I think there must be some sort of commandment against that. (but obviously it's not one of the top 10 so maybe you're OK)
I think you should get some spandex shorts, I will even bedazzle them for you because sparkly spandex is my specialty.

When were you in a coma?

Chief said...

hahaha...k so a bit of culture shock! I swear this is why my husband fakes deaf mute status whenever we enter the church building. This.exact.conversation.

Stephen said...

Riding a bike and wearing spandex for a church calling? Finally a calling that is truly inspired.

Amanda said...

Oh thank you for the great BIG laugh...I needed a humorous release. I love assive with a 'p' :)

I was just recently released from my calling and every week at church is like avoiding mines on the warfield. You're afraid to step anywhere that someone from the Bishopric may see you because you know what's coming...being called to his office.

Good luck on your new callings, whatever they may be. I truly hope they do not involve spandex or anything that resembles the resident with a 'p'! I hear those are the worst :)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

My friend Smarthelm, wrote about our bishop on her blog in a mildly murmuring fashion, and he actually commented back. Does you bishop know about your blog, yet?

I think certain people are just destined to have big callings. And what better way to get to know your new ward? Right. Well at least you can tell yourself that.

Love T's idea for the tshirt. Sounds good to me.

Funny Farmer said...

Me three on loving the "assive with a P". Classic Crash Test Dummy at it's best.

wv: "mesquita" time to go play some slots down south. But take the insect repellant!

lori said...

or you could end up with a calling assive with an m... just because you are poking your finger in the bishops eye. Thanks for the post, I know i shouldn't have but I laughed and laughed ;)

wv-wayis, that's just the wayis, in Utah

♥georgie♥ said...

CTD you are so funny! and now I feel like i need to go to confession for LOL funny thing is I'm not even catholic...

Keli'i and Megan said...

Hey Debbie! I love your blog! You're so great. I am going private with my blog, so come and leave me your email address, so we can stay in touch! Glad all is well in Utah and cannot believe I didn't get to say goodbye!

Melanie J said...

Is it wrong that every time I read your recent posts I feel the urge to laugh at you?


JustRandi said...

Oh you make me laugh.
I love your insights on moving to utah from an insider/outsider point of view.

I also love your mil stories. I can never do that on my blog.

Martha said...

Happy Birthday W & Z!!! Hope they had a good one. No more pack meetings for you guys!!! You are so lucky.

Just this Sunday Kendra S. (who is our new RS pres, by the way) was teaching a lesson and saying that she is so grateful for her new calling because they were in your ward for 15 years, and then they were forced out into our dumb ward (ok she didn't say our ward is dumb, I added that) and she was stuck in the nursery since then. She was spiritually going downhill and murmuring. Then she started praying to change her attitude and waa laa, she's the new RS pres. Her attitude has now been adjusted and she is uber happy and crazy busy.

Don't tell anyone, but right, now I don't have a calling either. I'm hiding out.

Have fun on the bike ride.

Flea said...

Spandex is against my religion, too. As is eating lima beans and brussel sprouts.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Saralynn, I KNOW YOU! And I lub you! How fun to see you here.

T, that was a perfect verifier. I lub my verifier. Let's get those t-shirts up for sale.

Jillybean, I might wear spandex shorts if you bedazzle Crash Test Dummy on them. I was in a coma during the church hymns. Well, almost in a coma.

ha ha Chief. Are you serious? And ha ha Stephen. I would prolly wear spandex if I was called of Gad to do so.

Ha ha Amanda. resident with a "p" LOLOL. That's a good one. hee hee

Nutty, are you serious? First of all, I like Smarthelm. Second of all, NO WAY, her bishop reads her blog? That's WEIRD. I made my sister swear that she wouldn't tell anyone in the ward about my secret identity. I'm afraid someone might google me sooner or later so I better get all my teasing in quick.

Ha ha funny farmer. For some reason the thought of playing the slots with mesquito repellent is cracking me up.

And Lori's too. Just the wayis in Utah. LOLOLOL. My verifier is hot today. Or maybe I just need to get to bed.

Martha, oh no, I hope I don't get uber happy and crazy busy as my attitude adjustment. I know I need one. SIGH! Did you guys have a Labor Day party? I thought of you guys all day. I felt like I should be planning and eating hot dogs without buns or ketchup.

Flea, I think fleas should be against my religion too. Nothing personal. I have PTSS when I think about fleas.

He Megan, MAHALO! I'll drop by your blog.

Melanie, HOW RUDE! You're s'pose to laugh WITH me.

Randi, ah shucks. For some reason when I see you here I start thinking about my students. One in particular. And then I start getting sweaty eyed.

Sandi said...

My hub is a devoted fan of spandex. I bet he would let you borrow some! I think the Bish should totally let you ease into the lifestyle of the Utard before he pounces on you like that. Doesn't he know you have writing to do and stay home mom stuff to do and pies to bake and luncheons to host? you have contacts on the Big Island? I need help!

Youngblood4ever said...

Crash, oh my, I have missed you. I know I have been MIA, (that is missing in action, not the oldschool church youth group). Sorry bout that.

Did you and your hubby get called to speak yet???? Let me know- I wanna come and laugh- oh, I mean listen. I'll be all pointing and giggling, I mean supportive encouraging.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I don't know about your ward, but I know that I wouldn't want a Crash Test Dummy ant where NEAR a ward bike ride!

HELLO Crash is NOT for looks! Can I get an AMEN!

Good tactic though to poke Bishops eyes out in case he decides to cancel!

Your MIL takes SHOW DOWN to a whole other level!

Happy Birthday twinners!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Okay, I'm super sad today and my playlist is playing "Goodbye girl!" My blog is so darn compassionate.

Sandi, what do you need? I will try to hook you up. If I don't know someone, I can find someone who knows someone.

Youngblood, me and Val and Jillybean are going to IKEA at 11:45 today for lunch. Do you want to come? I'd love to see you there. Hopefully DeNae will show up too cause the lunch is in her honor.

Shelle Belle, I wish I had thought to say that to the bishop instead of poking his eyes out. You are so diplomatic.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hey Martha, guess who Alan and I ran into yesterday on BYU campus? Jeff Bunker.

Dang! I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!!

I am LoW said...

Ew, sweaty brains are GROSS!

Dolly said...

This reminds me of my induction into your blog. I laughed and laughed and awed at how you write humor so well and disguise the serious topics underneath so we know your soul and heart and can sooooo relate.

I also realized then, that I could justify procrastination of my "to do" lists by reading your clever and witty writing as much to my heart's content because it was a gift from the Universe. The Universe is wired to give me the polarity balance of what is going on in my life.

When the heaviness of my work load is getting heavy, the crashtestdummydiaries have seriously been the counterbalance.

Shokran (means Mahalo)! I'm reviving my arabic words getting ready for my big cultural this week. Btw, how do they say mahalo in Utah culture? They have their own language there don't they?

Dolly said...

Oh, and I forgot to tell you that I discovered a really good way to not have any hard core callings. You're gonna like this one because it means you can go back and forth to Hawaii....

My trick....I only stay in each ward for two months at a time! When I show up and I start to see the drool that means you are about to be devoured by an auxillary leader, I just innocently and cleverly mention how my talent is traveling and I work/live on the other side of the planet....... but I am so there for you when you need a pinch hit teacher. I do bang up last minute RS lessons. I've got your back when I am in the country! (Except for that time when I was in the middle of my nervous breakdown and I came to your house and gave you the sub teaching job back because my mind was jelly.) But I recovered and I made up for it, remember!

Speaking of making up for things, I notice you getting a lot of mileage out of that super cute picture that I took of you and Jack Johnson and the one you took of me with him was not even salvageable. Now you can send me that super model one you took of me on your last day in Hawaii. That totally makes up for it.

Air hugs and kisses! I'm gonna go write on Tatum's wall now!