Is it just me, or was that the longest Aloha Friday ever?
Sorry 'bout that. I spent the last 4 days sweating profusely. But not from my eyeballs, from my brain.
There have been so many things to sweat about. First of all, my IL's took us out to the the Golden Corral again. This time it was breakfast for my twins birthday. I thought it would be easier because you don't eat dessert after breakfast, right? But that didn't stop her. She waited until everyone was done eating, then she went and got an omelet. Do you realize how long it takes to make an omelet at Golden Corral on a holiday? And that's not including eating time. And digesting time in between bites.
Loooooooong story short, I can teach patience too, so I pulled a business card from my wallet and every time she put her fork down to tell a story I started tapping it against the table right in front of her plate.
Mwuaaha ha ha HA!
While she was listing every family birthday in September I was tap tap tap tap tap tappity tap tapping.
While she was telling the ages (tap) and attractability (tap) of each prophet (TAPTAPTAPTAP), I was a regular Gene Kelly. Too bad it wasn't raining and I wasn't singing.
My kids were outside the window swatting bees by that time so at least I had something to focus on to keep my head from spinning around and popping off.
Finally, she was down to her last bite. We made eye contact. Slowly but surely she lowered her fork to the table and I swear to Gad a slight smile began to form in the corner of her mouth.
But SUDDENLY! I stood up, grabbed the cars keys, air kissed my hub and said, "BA-BYE now!"
Was that rude? A girl can only learn patience so fast, right?
There are other things I'm sweating about too. Someone from my new ward came over--a lovely lady who looked lovely, but kept apologizing for not looking lovely. She said she needed to find out about my history. It didn't sound too dangerous at first--I was born a poor black child and such--but then she cut right to the chase and asked me straight up "what previous callings have you held? What about your hub? What are your talents? Where do you work?" My throat closed up and I had to excuse myself to breathe into a paper bag.
I ended up breaking the commandments and telling her I was the Disneyland Coordinator and that my hub was the Rock Band instructor.
Then at church the Bishop wanted to see us after sacrament. I thought I was in trouble for yawning through all the hymns. I couldn't help it. They take peacefully and gently to a whole new level in Utah and I had to concentrate to keep from sliding into a coma.
"I just want to get to know you," he assured us, but once inside his office he sat us right in front of his 50" framed Family Proclamation and opened his 8" binder.
"Are you available on weekdays? Weeknights? Weekends? Sundays? Holidays? Birthdays? he said.
We both looked at him with our best deer-in-the-headlights impression.
"When can we start putting you to work? You look like enthusiastic folks, with a lot of energy."
"I actually just got out of a coma," I squeaked.
"We don't waste time around here. We'll put you right to work. Do you guys ride bikes?"
"Bikes? No. We don't even own bikes."
"Well you can borrow some. We're having a ward biking activity next Saturday. We'll be biking 10 miles. Do you own any spandex?"
"Spandex? No. Spandex is against our religion."
"You can ride back too, that makes 20 miles."
"We hate biking, actually."
"And there's a 65-miles option too, if you're up for it."
That's when I got up and poked his eyes out.
It's a new place, which means new demands and stresses and expectations. For my hub and I it's a new dynamic, new patterns, new behaviors. We are trying to get used to each other in our new roles--Me, itchy with a "b" and him, assive with a "p."
At least our roles are not reversed. I'd hate to be itchy with a "p" because then I'd never get my shot on American Idol. And I'm glad he's not assive with a "b" because I'm a total salmon snob.