Monday, September 14, 2009

Pillow Talk

I told my hub about my Dumb and Dumber cooking blog project and he asked me if I was dumb, or dumber.

Then he said, "Julia Child and Jim Carey have been there/done that. Why don't you think of something original?" 

(He should start a Rude and Ruder blog.)

I told him that Julia Child made French fries and French toast and French dip sandwiches ! "I am not going to be a French chef,"  I said.

"What kind of chef are you going to be then?" he smirked.

I told him I was going to be a Pampered Chef! Then I wiped the smug grin off his face with my IKEA apron and went to get a pedicure.

But I didn't go by myself--when I live my dream, everyone lives my dream--I took my daughter and my sister's daughter's with me.   

My sister tried to send her girls with cash to pay for their own pedicures, but PSHAW!  I would NOT stand for it.  This pampered chef party was on me! 

See, one of the worst things about moving is that the whole world begins to revolve around YOU, YOU, YOU!  (Make that ME, ME, ME!)   It happens so gradually you almost don't notice it until you're sick to death of your endless list of needs.

You go to pour your kids some cereal and you make a note to self: need bowls and spoons.  You go to open a can of chili: need can opener.  The note to self goes on and on: Need rubber bands.  Need a hammer.  Need dressers.  Need a lawn mower . . . a nap . . . silicone implants. 

(J/K peeps.  I don't need silicone implants.  I mean, I do, but I got over it in my thirties.)

There is so much you can't do and so much you don't have while you're disassembling one life and reassembling another.  You rely on the grace and goodness of those around you to open your cans and mow your lawn. 

How anyone moves without my sister and her hub is the Eighth wonder of the world.  

I swore on a stack of Glenn Beck books that I would never blog about my sister's hub, but if I hadn't made such a sacred oath I would totally do my Bette Middler in Beaches Kareoke for him. (The one that require a lot of feathers to make me some wings, plus a huge fan to generate the wind beneath those wings.) 

So anyways, I just wanted to GIVE BACK to my sis and her hub, ya know!  Is that so wrong?  

I mean how hard can it be to pay for four freakin' pedicures?  

Well, it's harder than you think when they don't take American Express.  Or a personal check.  

It's even harder when you're short on cash.  

As the story goes, we ended up getting to keep our pedicures, but I had to trade in my uber cool mommy/aunt status as soon as I called for back up. 

Thank Gad for my sister's hub, who came rushing through the front door in his red cape with his VISA gold card in hand. 

(Being a pampered chef is not as easy as it looks.)

P.S. I went to Sunday School for the first time yesterday.  If I wasn't so politically correct and culturally sensative on this blog, I would say that I found the one place where people aren't nice in Utah.  I did feel the spirit though.  While everyone was challenging each other about who has emeritus and which leaders can be called acting I got an overwhelming feeling that I was being suffocated by a pillow.  

Ah ha!  I finally GET IT!  


Chief said...

You are brave. Sunday school is something you should wait at least a year to attend once you have moved into the ward. didn't anyone tell you that?

springrose said...

I love our SS class but sometimes our teacher talks way over our heads! My sis was visiting one Sunday and I had to have her interpret for me!

Tiffany said...

Brilliant move on the offering to pay for pedicures and then not actually having to pay for them! I'm totally going to use that one.

IWA (e - va) said...

What? Who the heck doesnt take Amex? It's Utah -Land of Debt and Bankruptcy.. I mean opportunity!... Next your going to tell us that that don't offer a Drive Through Pedicure service.....but Glad your BIL was there to rescue you! I have a new motto for you... LUCKY YOU LIVE by your SISTER!

I miss my old 7th ward SS class... It had the most awesome SS teachers I ever had. It was actually the first time I ever really wanted to go to SS and forgot about the "hallway" class! Too bad your new ward doesn't also have Colleen, Lisa, and the AP SS courses... cause now they will never know what they missing! Thanks you guys were awesome! ...

SWIRL said...

Hey CRASH- how I avoid all things relating to SSclass and RS is volunteer in the NURSERY!!!

That is the best kept secret--
1. everyone will think you are a saint get to have a snack- no more hunger pains or growling stomachs at church

3. the lessons are boiled down to a strong dose of just what is most important.

I'm telling you.. NURSERY is the place to be.. and the sisters who work in nursery usually are ubber nice and wont judge you on what you wear or your implants.(or lack there of..)

I am LoW said...

You went to Sunday School? You couldn't find anything else to go pretend to do??

The Garden of Egan said...

Wow, I think the church must be differ't in Utah. We learned some cool stuff yesterday our teacher is the recently released bishop and he's so nice and talks nice and everything. Sometimes he talks soft so's not to wake the peeps, but it's OK.

Glad you had your BIL wind beneath your pedicure, it would have been an awesome post though if you could have talked about how they repossessed your pedicure! Took yer toes or something......
oh, well, maybe next time.

Verification word: copybor....was that corihor's twin?

Bloggin Betty said...

This is why I bring a pillow and blankie and curl up in the back of the SS room until it is over.

Jami said...

You're so brave! Sunday doesn't abbreviate to SS for nothing.

I love the Pampered-from-head-to-toe Chef. Beautiful. Except maybe you should get a VISA ATM before you try it next time. Maybe.

We should cure our pedis together while you are in CA. (Did you come and go while I was in my back-to-school induced oblivion? Tell me you haven't been here yet!)

Jami said...

P.S. I meant to click the email follow-up button last time.

Jami said...

Dang. This time I'm really going to click it.

April said...

I stopped going to SS once they changed teachers and there were no more cookies. I need to go to Swirl's class. I might learn something! hehehe! (Then maybe I wouldn't have a headache every you think it's because I'm afraid I won't measure up?) Nahh, I think it's still the sugar withdrawls.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

If I wasn't emotionally and physically exhausted from the workplace then I would hee hee hee at this post. Instead all I have the energy for is ha. Good work. Keep it up.

Youngblood4ever said...

Were you sitting in the back of my SS class? And where, pray tell, wouldn't they accept an AmEx card? Amateurs...

I was hoping for a beautiful picture of your toes...

I'll wait while you go get the camera.

Jillybean said...

Instead of having your Dumb and Dumber cooking blog, perhaps you should start a buffet restaurant review blog and call it "Patient and patienter"
Our SS is usually pretty entertaining. We have two teachers who keep things interesting. One creates Power point presentations to go along with the lesson, and the other one (whom you know) (BTW he says hi) is just funny.
I'm still waiting to hear what happens when you climb the rock wall in the chapel.

Dolly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dolly said...

Dolly said...
Swirl, you are brilliant! I love how it all boils down..... especially the redirect when angry part. I think you just made the highlight list on Crash's blog for me!

Hey guess what everybody, when I go to Riyadh tomorrow, okay leave Hawaii tomorrow and arrive in Riyadh two days later, I will not have to go to any Sunday Schools! That's cuz our church is on Fridays. Hee hee.

Wait, here's the best part. If Friday School gets to be a yawner, then I can simply sneak up from my basement (where three out of four weeks our ward has a spillover group. We meet at my house for church cuz our villa is getting too small when the expats are all back from summer vacay). So I go up to the third floor to my bedroom and pull out my laptop and read the Crashtestdummydiaries! Pretty cool huh? I bet you all wish you could come. I have two teenage boys who will trade you places right now. Who ever can pass for a look alike can trade places with them. It will be a blast in the 120 degree heat wearing a black abaya. Any takers?

Crash, I think you could easily pass for Sean. His hair is just like yours and he is sooooo cute. Now who could pass for Tristan?

Dolly said...

I was that deleted comment because I can't even write a blurb without having to edit..... I seriously need some writing classes.

I'm also very tired. Coleen helped get my cow out of the mire yesterday and fed my family and today I got the apartment finished and the new tenants moved in. Now I just have to pack for leaving the country for two months. But I really needed the diaries tonight so thanks. : ) LY

Dolly said...

So here's a big shout out for Coleen. If Martha can give me directions for driving the boys to soccer on the dummy's blog then I can do a flashback to college cheerleading days....

Give me a C O L E E N! What does it spell? I can't hear you? One more time!

Okay I must really be tired. That cheer is like from the 1950's and I'm not that old. But I can't remember my cheers.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Tiffany, ha ha It would have been brilliant had I not paid them back.

Iwa, AMEN to my new motto!!! And Amen to the 7th ward SS teachers. Even Vernetta! LUB her!

HAHAHAHAHAH Swirl! High Five! That was awesome! That was your best advice/comment ever. And it actually makes so much sense. I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier.

Jami, YES, I should get a VISA. My bank card is in transition, just like the rest of us. LONG STORY. And NO, I haven't come your way yet. Do you really think I would slip in and out quietly without CRASHING your party. Let's grab Miss Heidi and get Pedi's when I come. It's a plan.

April, LOLOLOL. You are so darn cute. Amen, sister. And I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that you don't feel you measure up.

Nutty Hamster. I would give you a hee hee too, except my stuff came yesterday so alls I can muster up is a HA too. :) LY

Youngblood, I can't show you pics because I picked the grossest color ever. It's hideous. It's awful. My toes look like they need to throw up. I need to go through my stuff and find my nail polish remover.

Jillybean, hee hee hee hee I lub it. Patient and patienter. You are sexy AND funny. Am I patient or am I patienter? Give you SS teacher an ALOHA hug and kiss for me. I totally remember when you were trying to get me to move into your ward because of your SS teacher's accent. Little did you know he was my student. TOO COOL!

Dolly! You crack me up. And you have been a highlight in my comment box lately too. I look forward to your posts in my comment box. (Although I agree about Swirl on this post. She rocked the house.) I lub that church is at your house and that you can sneak up to your bedroom to read the dummy during SS. LOL. I also lub your Colleen cheer. You're such a silly goose. Guess that's why I lub you too. I did that cheer in the 80's so you're not that far off. Congrats on getting everything done. I wish you were here to help me. Spaces come so easy for you. Have a wonderful trip back to Saudi.

Jami said...

OH YAY! I'll see what Heidi's up to.