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Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Crash Test Dummy goes to church . . .

In Utah. 

Let me preface this post by saying, I think I'm in lub.  The jury is still out, but everyone was uber nice.  I'm sure it helps that my sister is the primary president in the ward and everyone thinks we're twins, even though I'm a primary virgin and I would have a stroke if I ever had a calling in the primary.  KNOCK ON WOOD! 

(Longest day of my life was when I substituted Sunbeams.)

The coolest thing about my new ward is the lighting on the stand.  It was incredible.  I know I would never have to get plastic surgery in this ward because the lighting on the stand is so flattering.   I can't wait to speak in church because I know I'll look like a movie star at the pulpit.  Seriously.  And I'll sound like a rock star too because the sound system and the acoustics are that good.   

The second coolest thing is the rock wall behind the stand.  Visions of repelling off that wall dance in your head during Sacrament meeting, and you can make those visions a reality once Sunday school begins because not a creature is stirring in the hallways during meetings.  You have the whole chapel to yourself.

But I finally discovered the one place that people are not fully dressed in Utah.  Sacrament meeting. Don't get me wrong, they have plenty of clothes on, but nobody wears their smiles to sacrament meeting.  In fact I was the only one smiling.  And laughing, for that matter.  People take their sacrament meeting very seriously here, but I couldn't stop laughing.  I told my hub that they must pump laughing gas through the air vents because I was giggling like a little girl through the whole meeting.  

My hub disagreed.  He said they pump sleeping gas. 

"Or lobotomy gas," I whispered before bursting into another fit of giggles.  

"Ba dum bum," he said.  

That's why I could never be a bishop.  I wouldn't be able to master that stoic face on the stand if I was a bishop.  I'd be busting a gut when the speakers said things like "you know you have the spirit if you feel like you're being suffocated by a pillow." 

Can you see why I couldn't keep a straight face?  Seriously!  What if you feel the spirit really strong and really long?  Would you kick the bucket from an overdose of the spirit?  

Inquiring minds want to know. 

I giggled again when the 2nd speaker stood up and said "My topic today is moving on with our lives." 

Maybe it was her deadpan delivery that made me think she was joking, but then I realized her delivery had nothing to do with it, she was just deadpan.  And moving on with our lives was just code for my topic today is faith.   

Alls I know is that if I was given such a cool topic I would have done a lip sync to that Eagles song, GET OVER IT!   

The funniest part of the meeting happened when the 3rd speaker stood up and said "Good Morning, brothers and sisters."

My daughter and I automatically, instantaneously and recklessly shouted out, "GOOD MORNING!"

Imagine our surprise when we realized that in Utah you don't talk back in church.  In Hawaii when someone stands at the pulpit and greets you, it's not rhetorical.  You are expected to speak when spoken to.  

Half of our new ward got whiplash, bless their hearts, trying to give us stink eye. 

But it was worth it.  You know your daughter finally takes your blog seriously when she leans over and says, "You sooooo have to blog this." 

43 comments:

I am LoW said...

It must be a southern thing to speak back too.... Or something.

I want to come speak in your building too... and have my picture taken while the lighting is right. :)

I am LoW said...

And by the way-

I WAS FIRST!!!

WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chief said...

I so want to be in your ward next Sunday...I need the gas


I was second

Chief said...

I guess I was third because Low, cheated

Chief said...

What do you think the handicapped symbol next to the word verification is? I don't dare use it. It's like parking in a handicapped stall. It's just not right. Can someone who is authorized click it and tell us what happens?

Lara said...

Seriously. We are a bunch of duds. It is so embarrassing when a Polynesian person speaks in Sacrament meeting and gets up and says "Aloha!" or "Talofa!" and nothing happens. So they do it again, and a few people murmur a reply, hoping nobody notices.


Seriously, people! You won't be struck by lightning if you yell "Aloha" (or Good Morning, in your case) in the middle of Sacrament meeting. I always try to do it very loud, myself. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen very much.

And now that I live in a teensy branch, I guess I'll just have to be the one that greets everyone from the pulpit that way. My husband is Hawaiian after all.

Martha said...

Guess what I'm eating right this very moment? Yep, Tim Tams. Nani nani boo boo. Long story, but Dan B. went to Australia and Perry had to cover his class so Dan brought them back for Per. So our Tim Tams are fresh and have never been on a boat so they are better.

You are actually going to have to behave yourself in your new ward. NO sneaking home during Sunday School like you used to. Yes, that means three whole hours of church in a row. Can you handle it?

Swirl and I had to give talks today in sacrament mtg. because we are the released primary pres. and yes we said, "ALOHA". She is the new nursery leader and I am nothing....so far. I actually got to go to Sunday School today. They asked if there were any visitors and I raised my hand and said I haven't been here in years.

SO said...

We had a bishop that was Hawaiian and he would get up and say Aloha and trained us to say it back. I love that. We should do that here. Those people giving you the stink eye need to loosen up!

Did you go rock climbing?

T said...

both of our speakers today greeted us with an Aloha - and we are learning to greet them back without looking around in trepidation...

and I've been in Primary since its inception (or pretty close at least...) and it's STILL the longest Sunday of my life - each and every one :)

Rachel Sue said...

You should try to get your whole ward to do that. It will take time, and possibly bribery, but Utahns need to loosen up a bit. I know. I am one. . .

Martha said...

I can't believe you got a tramp! I bet the boys love it. Maybe they will play outside and quit sliding down the stairs so much. I miss our tramp bad.

I hope Z's enthusiam for mowing lasts a long time. That mower looks pretty awesome I have to say.

All your new purchases look super cute. I'm having dreams of redoing our living room after BYU fixes our house.

I looked in the windows of your old house today to see the progress. All the cupboards are torn out and the kitchen is tiled. Not much else. They like to start working at 6 am though and that is getting a little annoying.

Melanie J said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! Did you expect them to also sing "Hello, hello" to you in sacrament too? Hahahahaha!

If you said Good Morning back in my ward, I'd probably have clapped for you.

Martha said...

I loved Sandi's comment about the Red Raider shirt. I had to go back and look too. I'm thinking that Sandi is one funny chick.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sandi is one funny chick, that's for tamn sure.

I bet it's weird to look in our house and see all the cupboards all torn out. SNIFF. I feel sorry for you that you have to be reminded of our absence like that. And I feel sorry for you and Teresa Kimball for having to clean all those cupboards before we moved out.

I KNOW! Can you believe we have a tramp! And that we'll have to go to all three hours of church, MAYBE! (Actually we skpped out after Sunday school today because G has strep throat again. Someone needs to take care of our sick son!

Ha ha T! You crack me up.

I'm glad all of you are on board with shaking thing up a bit in Sacrament meeting--maybe doing a little rock climbing and playing a little Eagels now and then at the pulpit.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Oh my gosh. I slapped my knee that was so funny. I would have loved to have been there for that. Mary did that in England once after attending Byu Hawaii and asked the ward to respond when she said good morning during her talk. It was so embarrassing, no one responded and it went over like a ton of bricks. I cant stop laughing... love it.

Martha said...

Yeah, why did we need to clean those dang cupboards when they were going to rip them out anyway?

I actually have a ton of reminders of you guys. Like G's bike that was sold at your garage sale, because it's been sitting in our yard for a week.

Whenever, I do a load in the dishwasher I get out your dishwasher soap that you left me. Also the salsa and the ranch dressing that's in the fridge. Let alone all the pictures that pop up on my screensaver.

But, hey you guys are just a plane ride away and my parents are encouraging me to go to my nephew's wedding in December. So we'll see.

val of the south said...

I often want to shout AMEN during talks in sacrament meeting - not because I agree with what they're saying, but because I'm bored and want to shake it up.

In my old ward I had a rest hymn in the middle of my talk - it was totally cool, and no one got bored. I'm all about not being bored at church!

And Martha - it's okay to go home during church here too - 'cause I think it's a rule that every house must have a church within walking distance - so we totally run home and back (sadly though, there's no cool beach to ditch to here!)

kasey ferrell said...

Suli did the same thing when we were home. i had to tell him that in AZ we dont say anything back, he looked at my like a weirdie!

DeNae said...

Oh my gosh, I haven't laughed so hard in a long, long time. Just thinking about you hollering "GOOD MORNING!" in a Provo ward has me peeing myself as we speak!! I even called my family over and read it to them!

I'm sorry you're now considered the service project family, but dang, that's one funny story.

Jillybean said...

Hey! I'm eighteenth!

If everyone was asleep in your Sacrament meeting today, it must have been High Council Sunday (or as we sometimes refer to it "Dry" council Sunday)

Will you be climbing the rock wall next week during Sunday School? We can't do that at our church, because Gospel Doctrine is held in the chapel, and we don't have a rock wall.

I spent two years teaching the Sunbeams. TWO YEARS! You should really like teaching Sunbeams because they always talk back when you talk to them. (plus you get to learn all sort of family secrets from them ;0)

Jillybean said...

Apparently I wasn't fast enough at commenting. I was actually twentieth.
And twenty-first.

Barbaloot said...

Oh-the answering Good Morning is great! I love that you said that:)

April said...

Do you know what just made me LOL!!! When Martha just shortened the word trampoline...and said "I can't believe you got a tramp!" hahahahahaha!!! Now that is funny! The Dummy family moves to Utah and gets a tramp...hahahahahahaha!!!!

And I love your daughter for taking your blog seriously!

Stephen said...

Very entertaining. I felt like I was in church for the first time in a long time.

springrose said...

We visited my FiL ward last month and a family that used to be on or off Broadway (never got the accurate story) is in his ward. The hubby gave the musical number, I seriously felt like I was at a performance! I almost clapped!! I asked my hubby if he thought that the Hubby and wife did the musical numbers on a regular basis...Seriously tithing should be more in that ward! They have a broadway show during sacrament meeting!!

Love the shout out!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Springrose, that would be awesome. I would totally pay more tithing if Sacrament meeting had a broadway musical number. Especially if it was from Spamalot.

Oh, and I LOL'd when I read about you telling your kids you were moving to Hawaii. Can't believe they didn't want to go. HA

April, ha ha That is funny. Some families move to Utah and get a dog. We get a tramp. And I love my daughter for taking my blog seriously too. She made me cry when I first started because she kept harrassing me about how DUMB it was.

Jillybean, congrats on being 18th and 21st. ;)

DeNae, I hate being the service project family, but you're probably right. And I was wearing a mumu too so I'm sure that didn't help.

Kute Kasey. ha ha I love thinking about Suli sitting in your sacrament meeting trying to digest the news that mainlanders don't talk back. They just robotically go forth to serve.

Val, HAHA Now that I've met you, I can totally imagine you standing up and shouting AMEN! and Hallelujah! Oh, that would be a hoot to see you do that. We may not have a beach here to ditch church, but we have lots of chocolate. And you're right about walking distance. I can walk home from church to grab a cookie after sacrament and before I repel off the rock wall during Sunday School.

Emily, that's heelarious. I can totally see Mary doing that. ha ha ha

Hey, my verifier says glondip. A new kind of dip. That kind of dip that clicks on the little handicap icon next to the word verifier. I tried it at Chiefs request. You all must try it. It's a secret arabic spy code. Seriously. What a smart place to hide it. Who would think to look there.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Springrose, that would be awesome. I would totally pay more tithing if Sacrament meeting had a broadway musical number. Especially if it was from Spamalot.

Oh, and I LOL'd when I read about you telling your kids you were moving to Hawaii. Can't believe they didn't want to go. HA

April, ha ha That is funny. Some families move to Utah and get a dog. We get a tramp. And I love my daughter for taking my blog seriously too. She made me cry when I first started because she kept harrassing me about how DUMB it was.

Jillybean, congrats on being 18th and 21st. ;)

DeNae, I hate being the service project family, but you're probably right. And I was wearing a mumu too so I'm sure that didn't help.

Kute Kasey. ha ha I love thinking about Suli sitting in your sacrament meeting trying to digest the news that mainlanders don't talk back. They just robotically go forth to serve.

Val, HAHA Now that I've met you, I can totally imagine you standing up and shouting AMEN! and Hallelujah! Oh, that would be a hoot to see you do that. We may not have a beach here to ditch church, but we have lots of chocolate. And you're right about walking distance. I can walk home from church to grab a cookie after sacrament and before I repel off the rock wall during Sunday School.

Emily, that's heelarious. I can totally see Mary doing that. ha ha ha

Hey, my verifier says glondip. A new kind of dip. That kind of dip that clicks on the little handicap icon next to the word verifier. I tried it at Chiefs request. You all must try it. It's a secret arabic spy code. Seriously. What a smart place to hide it. Who would think to look there.

Sandi said...

So if you click on the handicap thingy it prints youu reply twice?? is that it?/ weird.
You guys are all cracking me up today--great post, great replies, I love it!

Sandi said...

p.s. the reply that gets my vote as the very best, goes to Martha :)

Sandi said...

p.s.s. I want to know if you ever managed to achieve that "being suffocated by a pillow" feeling? And also I want to know if you are really setting Barbaloot up with te red head???

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh maybe so, Sandi about the printing your reply twice. But really, you MUST click on it and listen to it. It's weird-o.

I am not going to set Barb up, but I'm going to plant a bug in my niece's ear, who is bff's with Barb, and who is also bff's with my red-headed nephew, being as they are cousins and all.

And NO I guess I'm not spiritual enough to feel like I'm being suffocated by a pillow.

The Wixom Zoo said...

Can I come to your ward next week???

Sandi said...

woohooooooooo your play list is working at my work! It wouldn't work all last week and I missed it!

Sandi said...

hellooooooooo Adam Lambert!

Martha said...

Look what came out in the paper last week:

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jgw3I7jrBAkIlzRZIcPmHh37es6AD9ABLSO80

Guess what the university is doing about this? They are making me double check everything and certify all the athletes. I guess I better do it right. That's a lot of pressure, don't you think? What if I don't know what I'm doing? I better fake it.

Martha said...

That link didn't work. Try this one:

http://www.thenewstribune.com/apheadlines/sports/story/859120.html

Martha said...

Dang your comment box is cutting off all my links. What's up with that?

Just do a google search for
NCAA gives BYU-Hawaii 3 years of probation.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! This is terrible timing for probation, huh Martha? What with teetering on the brink of athletic extinction and all. At least as far as RUMOR has it.

Poor poor BYU-H. And poor Martha. Pressure's on, girlfriend! It's up to you to save the athletic program at BYU-H.

YOU CAN DO IT!

CaJoh said...

Isn't it funny how every church is different. I tend to talk back too. Typically whenever I attend a different church I wind up sitting back taking in all of the traditions before jumping in (half the time you don't know if you are supposed to stand up or kneel, so that IS embarrassing when that happens).

GRAMEE said...

you would fit right in with my ward.. all the children just shout right out.

the bishops children
"daddy i went pee in my pants"

"daddy mom didn't bring cheetos"

"daddy i want water"

every week they want something from their daddy.

Kelly said...

Ha! Yeah, I'm from NC and have visited Utah once. For three days. If those three days are the measure of time used in the eternities (and yes, I understand the contradiction of that comparison), I can see how the world was created in seven. As for Sunday-my talent is apparently procrastination, and it isn't a hidden talent, so usually I am applying makeup during the 20 minute drive to church(which usually means I end up looking in the mirror for the first time during third hour and realizing that I have one shade of red lipstick on the top lip and another on the bottom because I was trying different shades to see which suited the best); however, in Utah it takes the 'twinkling of an eye' to get to church-no time for makeup. That was my 'naked face' experience. You sound like me during fast and testimony meeting in single's ward. Everyone seems so dead serious, but you don't realize that until it's too late. The Eagles song for the singles ward might have to be 'You Can't Hide Your Lyin' Eyes.' (Not really, but you get the idea.....) Anyway, good luck on your first talk, whenever that comes along-enjoy the lighting, and maybe you can use the rock climbing wall as an object lesson.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha ha I am so laughing at Kelly suggesting I use the rock climbing wall as an object lesson for my talk.

LOLOLOL. Now there's a girl after my own heart. How cool would that be to be playing Eagles and repelling at the same time!

The Garden of Egan said...

Sooo funny and such a great post. Hope you are able to NOT get over your culture shock. Keep it up. I lub it!