Sunday, August 23, 2009

All is well in Zion

My hub has now arrived on planet Utah so all is well in Zion.  

And I am now the proud owner of one of the greatest inventions known to man. OMGOSH you guys, write this down.  It's called a DVR.  You should all try it!!!! With the touch of a button you can record every episode of the Office.  NO VHS TAPE necessary!!  It's that easy.   No more ditching out of pack meetings because you forgot to press record.  No more arguing with your hub about whose turn it is to get out of bed and fast forward through the commercials because you can't find your remote. And no more taping over your wedding highlight video. 

It's tremendous!  

And I never say tremendous. 

I am also the proud owner of a bazillion channels.  

Nani nani boo boo BYU-H.  

Oooh, that sounded ungrateful.  I take that back BYU-H.  I lub you BYU-H.  I miss you BYU-H. (Most of you.)  

I miss you so much that I had to console myself by watching MASH last night.  

MASH!!!!  Do you know how long it's been since I watched MASH?  I bet I can watch Cheers too, if I want.  It's a good thing I'm not working yet so I'll have more quality time to spend with my new channels and my new DVR.

So last night my hub and I went shopping together.  At Maceys.  

Oh my gad, don't ever ever ever take your hub shopping at Maceys on a Saturday night. Especially if he just barely landed on planet Utah.  Break him in easy, for goodness sake.  

First of all, the shopping carts are gigantic race cars and fire trucks and everyone is Nascar-racing around the store trying to see who can get their food storage first.  

HOLY FOOD STORAGE, BATMAN!  Utah is the place to be if there is an emergency.   Don't tell anyone I told you this, but my RS Presidency dropped by and brought me some food storage to welcome me into the ward.  A plate of brownies would have sufficed, but if there is an earthquake tonight at least I will have some salt and honey to keep my kids alive for a few extra days.  

After we run out of salt and honey I'm going to camp out at Macey's (since it's just down the street) and eat from their 40 gallon tubs of green split peas and hard red wheat and black turtle beans. 


FYI, BTW, my Gigi just took me out to lunch at Chuck-a-rama last week and she pulled me over to the black turtle beans and kept tugging at me until my face and her face were pressed up against the glass above them.   And then her voice got really low and quiet-like, as if what she was about to say was top secret. 

"Those beans'll kill ya," she said.  "If they're not cooked.   They're poison, I tell ya!"

So thankful for my Gigi.  I would hate to be killed by a dry black turtle bean.

But that's neither here nor there.  Let's talk more about Maceys.  I kid not!  The whole store is filled with food storage.  It's like walking into a bomb shelter.  A bomb shelter with a race track.  I saw a man at Macey's with his fire truck cart filled all the way to the top with cans of Simply Supreme Kandy Kane hot chocolate.  My hub said it gave him the heebie-jeebies, but I felt sorry for the guy.  I mean it's Saturday night and the poor guy is O.D. ing on misspelled hot chocolate. He needs a porn addiction or something.  

I didn't get the heebie-jeebies until I laid eyes upon a lady licking a 40 lb ice cream cone.  I pinky promise, if I had some photographic evidence, your jaw would hit the floor (and so would your apple bottom jeans and your boots with the fur)  It was so big that my hub honest-to-pete said "Is that even legal?"  

So no one won the $30,000 yesterday for my blogaversary.   I was 7 hits short of 30,000.  I feel like a big fat failure.  

Jami, you couldn't have hit me 7 more times???? 

Oh well, maybe I'll be more pop-U-lar next year.  

Before I close this post I need to make a public apology for my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad communication skillz over the past month or more.  If you've emailed me and I haven't emailed back yet, MY APOLOGIES.  If you've called me and I haven't called back yet, MY APOLOGIES.  If you've commented in my comment box and I haven't comment back yet, MY APOLOGIES.  

And If you've come to my door and I hid in the bathroom until you went away, MY Deepest, sincerest APOLOGIES! (I'm out of toilet paper).

Okay, that never happened.  

And no one has tried to call me, but my apologies if you thought of calling me and I didn't call you  back. 

Next week I am going to be better.  I'm going to start snapping back into life.  I'm going to start eating something other than Cap'n Crunch Berries.  And I'm going to start exercising.  And paying my bills.  

And most importantly I'm going to do my visiting teaching to each of your blogs.  In fact I'll even bring you some salt and honey. 

See you next week, peeps!  



Nutty Hamster Chick said...

first again!!!

Kristina P. said...

You probably won't believe this, but I have TWO DVRs!!! If my house caught on fire, I would take the DVR first.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

OK I don't know how you have never know of the glories of DVR's before. Seriously. And they are pretty much addicting and trust me you will never be able to go back to regular old TV. Like my sister says, if you can't have a DVR there is really no point to even turning the TV on.

So you need to start watching Project Runway on Lifetime. And Top Chef on Bravo. I pinky promise you will get addicted.

And I totally agree about Macey's. It really is like another planet. But you should try the ice cream. It really is yummy and you can buy the 10 lb one if you want to go small. And it is so reasonably. But don't make the mistake of thinking you will shop first and then get ice cream for the trip home, because it closes at 10 and then your ice cream dreams will melt from the tears of your daughter.

I know what you mean about the food storage. It is so strange when you are not used to it. And do you know what Wal Mart sells food storage also. I imagine eventually you will get used to it and not even notice, like Vegas and the slot machines at the grocery store.

And you know what else? People wear BYU t-shirts at Maceys. Especially if you go the night after a game. It was enough to make me weak in the knees.

Looking forward to more communication from you. I have been missing in action, also and I am really begininning to be quite bitter about it. I need a serious attitude adjustment.

OK not only was I first but I also wrote a post in your comment box. Go me.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WELCOME TO UTAH and DVR's! It really cuts down on the arguments with hubs! :)

AND... Salt and HONEY? They are cheap... my welcome to our neighborhood was a full 3 months of food storage from the cannery, that I had to can myself!

Okay I kid I kid!

And I did think about calling you so your apology is accepted! ;)

But I'll read you no matter if you comment on my blog or not... I'm a good blog friend and IRL friend like that! :)

I'm glad you and hubs are connected and he is no longer looking at house porn!

Lub ya girl! :)

Jillybean said...

Did you notice how nice the employees are at Macey's? My kids call it "the friendly store"
The cashiers always give the kids smarties, and if for some reason you have to wait in line at the check out stand for an unreasonable amount of time, they will give you a snickers bar!

And yes, those ice cream cones are huge.

Lucky you on the DVR. We don't have one. I think Kristina got ours.

Funny Farmer said...

I don't know what Macey's NHC went to, but MY Macey's is open 24 HOURS A DAY, except for saturday night it closes at midnight and doesn't open until midnight on Sunday night. So all the sabbath-keeping Mormons are at Macey's on Saturday night stocking up on milk and bread and Cougar Craze ice cream to last them through the weekend. And then they're back again Monday morning to restock their depleted supplies. So if you need to do your visitng teaching or simply miss your neighbors, go to Macey's on Saturday night. It's a party!

Chief said...

Oh yes, the first rule of Utah living is to NEVER GROCERY SHOP ON SATURDAY NIGHT! Never, ever...even if it means that every Sunday is Fast Sunday at your house because you have no food. Monday will work out much better.

I can't believe there was someone out there without a DVR. Shut Up!

T said...

seriously - you need to get it through your newly returned Utah head that Saturday nights at the store are taboo... It's better to eat PopTarts and Marshmallows for Sunday Dinner than to mess with that crowd :)

Barbaloot said...

I am officially ow the only person without DVR!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Funny Farmer, I go to your maceys, but I was talking about the ice cream machine closing at 10. I do see what you mean about Saturday night. In fact even here in Vegas when I go to Smith's on Sat night I see all my ward memebers doing exactly what you are talking about. It is a party.

Debbie said...

I lub lub Maceys so much. Except the little ping of guilt I feel sometimes for walking into that food storage palace and thinking, I wonder if I should have this and this. Macey's is also great for the kiddos. Especially the one you went to. Holy kid activities batman I dont know how they afford it all.

SWIRL said...

I thought you misspelled Macy's and I thought-- what the heck? They sell food in the utah Macy's???

Maceys--- I get it--- I totally different store that we have no idea about here in Hawaii.. who has more need of food storage than us??? why don't we have Macey's??

Every half hour my kids ask-- if your kids have called! SERIOUS! Miss you-- glad you are all together again!

IWA (e - va) said...

Glad you got a DVR... nothing sucks more then knowing im here missing out on something else!

Have the utards introduced you to the Krazy Coupon Man (or lady).... that is the reason you can walk out of Maceys with a year supply of food and not pay a single penny.... nada... nothing.... free! well that and all the cost is deferred to the shipping cost of sending food to hawaii!

Melanie J said...

I can't say enough about DVRs. It feels downright un-American to sit through a commercial now.

Sandi said...

Thats it. I am forgetting about food storage and just making sure I have enough gas to get to Utah. Thanks for the tip!

April said...

Oh and don't forget they sell BYU shirts at Wal Mart too.

Ooops...have to go set my DVR!!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah. Just a few words of advice (a little to late I'm afraid): avoid Maceys on Saturday night, and Buy Low on Wednesday. I know they have amazing sales on Wednesdays, but honestly, spinach just isn't fighting 10,000 screaming couponers over.

Martha said...

I'm getting a little scared for you guys. Sounds like Happy Valley has a little too many temptations for you Hawaiians. I'm afraid your slim figure will not be so slim pretty soon.

How are you going to get out and tread water or swim or walk on the beach or play tennis like you did before?

Be careful not to sit around the house watching all those channels while eating gallons of ice cream from Macey's. Yes, I know it's so cheap you have to buy it, but just be very careful.

Mariko said...

I couldn't believe how they actually had billboard ads on food storage.Crazy!
I mean, the Church is True.

You'd think there'd be aisles for food storage here, in the middle of the OCEAN, instead of in a place where you can drive away from whatever disaster is happening. Except if a Tsunami makes it to Utah, you'd be pretty much screwed.

Alisa said...

I have a dual tuner DVR and a regular DVR so I can record three shows at once and I'm telling ya, come Thursday night that's just not enough.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I have a confession Kristina P. I also have 2 DVRs. I am the proud owner of twins.

NHC, HA! 10 lbs of ice cream. It appears that everyone is already in on this but me. Maybe I am the one coming from another planet.

But no worries Martha. Ice cream isn't my weakness, thank goodness. But Kandy Kane hot chocolate just might be.

And guess what! I DID watch Cheers tonight. AND I Lub Lucy!

Shelle Belle, ha ha ha ha ha It is so good to see you again. I have missed you. MUCH! And Mariko too. I thought you were boycotting since I moved.

Thank you all for your advice about Saturday night shopping. A little too late, but thanks anyway.

Funny thing, Mary, my MIL just told me to shop at Buy Low on Wednesdays.

Iwa, I haven't met the Krazy Koupon man. Or even heard of him, but I'm so happy to finally live in a state where people spell things correctly.

Martha, we did walk briskly with my darling sister today, but she kicked our booties. Too many crunch berries, I think.