Monday, August 24, 2009

Gad is watching us . . .

A new temple was dedicated yesterday so the whole state of Utah got a day off of church.

My hub and I woke up and smiled.

Then we went back to sleep.

Then we woke up again, ate some Cap'n Crunch Berries and went for a walk around the neighborhood.

It was eerily quiet.
Actually, to say it was eerily quiet is an understatement. It was more like a ghost town--not a creature was stirring, not even a house.

Not even a car.

We checked our watches--9:30 a.m.

"Maybe everyone is at the temple dedication," my hub said.

"Why would they be?" I said. "There's no church. Shouldn't they be out dancing in the streets?"

Just then a streak of lightening split the sky and the clouds opened and the rain began to descend upon us like tiny drops of correction tape.

At first we were unafeared, but within minutes we were drenched in white out and we began to tremble.

"Do you ever feel like Gad is watching us?" I said.

"From a distance?" my hub said.

"No, from close up," I replied. "Like maybe Gad lives right here in Utah."

A thoughtful silence spread between us as we stood under a tree waiting for the rain to stop.

"Wasn't The Truman Show filmed here?" My hub finally said. "And Bruce Almighty?"

"And isn't Jim Carrey a Mormon?" I added.

More thoughtful silence.

It wasn't the first time I sensed an all-seeing eye watching us since I've been back in Utah.
There was that morning I walked my twins to school on their first day. The crossing guard was wearing corky wedges.

What crossing guard would wear corky wedges unless Gad was watching?

And everyone I passed was holding their child's hand and saying enthusiastically, "Today is going to be a GRRRRReat day!"

Who would say that to their child on the first day of school unless Gad was watching?

I would have said, "Today is going to be a GRRRReat day with a capital GRRRR!"

And then my kids would have said, "Ba dum bum" under their breath.

But then Gad doesn't live in Hawaii, so . . .

When the R.S. Presidency came over to welcome me to the ward, I made the mistake of saying "High five, sistahs! I bet you're pumped there's no church on Sunday."

Their eyes fluttered to the sky for a split second before swearing up and down that they enjoy their callings immensely.

You guys are probably thinking I'm easily spooked, huh? Paranoid, right?

Well get this . . . later that day we decided to roll the dice and go for another sabbath-day walk.

We only got as far as our chapel when the sky opened up again and James Earl Jones spoke to us across the universe.

"Simba, you have forgotten who you are!" he boomed.

And then I swear on my copy of Twilight we heard someone whisper "cue the rain."

Within minutes we were dripping in white out again.

And I was whispering "Ba dum bum!" under my breath.


Youngblood4ever said...

Am I first?

Youngblood4ever said...

Holy moly. Now that you are here in Utah I can be first? This is the best ever!

Youngblood4ever said...

Just so you know- You are going to helk. You were supposed to go to the dedication instead of regular church.

Youngblood4ever said...

Really, I'm just kidding. I didn't go either. Retarded brain of mine forgot and I picked up and extra work shift- starting at the same time as my ward's dedication session.

Sandi said...

Technically I am second because Youngblood is the only one ahead of me. so woohoo I'm 2nd!
I hope you will try to be on your best behavior now that Gad is watching you.

Sandi said...

p.s. and always listen to James Earl Jones for heaven sakes!

IWA (e - va) said...

It is post like this that make me so happy that I found you in blog land!

You're an awesome writer... even if god was watching everything you wrote.....does that mean that everything is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

I came home from class today and found a fort made out of refrigerator boxes at my front door... i asked my kids where it came from, they said the door bell rang and when they opened the door it was just standing there…. I ask the neighbor kids and they had no idea where it came from……. Did you tell “that kid” where I live?

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephen said...

Clever and funny! This is where a cynic could say all sorts of thought provoking stuff, but I will just say I enjoyed the visual picture you painted with your words.

I am LoW said...

he he he!!!! Welcome back home, eh?? ;-)

Amber Lynae said...

Wow Utah people are lucky, or maybe it is just you. If you are drenched in white out every time you make a less than Utah decision, does that mean that although your decisions be as dark as crimson they are instantly as white as snow?

Melanie J said...

Okay, Amber Lynae's comment was funny.

Anyway, sorry about the white out shower. It doesn't work that way around here. Instead, you wake up at 5 a.m. for no reason (like today) and then you wonder to yourself why you're awake. So then you try to figure out if there's a reason after all and probe your conscience to see if you forgot something bad you did, like giving a cashier the stink eye or something. And although you're pretty sure you've more or less been a good girl, you will still be awake and think that maybe that awake-for-no-reason time might at least be productive if you were to spend it knocking off liquor stores. I mean, why not? Their cash drawers are full of the wages of sin and all. If I stole it, at least I could pay tithing on it, know what I'm saying?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Melanie, if you didn't live in Utah when you wake up at 5 am you drive your kids to seminary. Just sayin.

Crash I bet all the Farmers in Utah Valley are awfully glad you moved there, perhaps you can end the drought. There's an upside to everything you know, even evil thinking.

And I love Sunday evenings in Utah when you see cute little families all go for cute little walks or a bike rides. That never happens in Vegas.

And you know those RS sisters were wearing their poker faces.

Of course I once attended a training session in Salt Lake for Relief Society. I was sitting next to a president from Orem. She had the audacity to tell me that she only had one welfare case in her ward. I wanted to say "Shut up" or "Get OUT". When I was pres in Vegas, I would write 3 to 4 food orders a week. Not to mention the time I had to drive a lady and her kids to a homeless shelter because she had been evicted and the ward had decided that her drug habits could no longer be subsidized. Holy living in a bubble Batman. So maybe it is not so bad for your presidency and they are just glad they are not in the nursery.

Barbaloot said...

Well of course He lives in Utah! A if there's any other place.

Miranda said...

YOU crack me...welcome to Utah!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Youngblood, YOU are going to helk, girlfriend. Working on the sabbath?????

Sandi, congrats on being 2nd. But that really freaked me out how your profile pic morphed between your first and second comment. I can't wait to see what it looks like on your next comment.

Iwa, about the truth thing, hmmmm, that's complicated. I honestly don't know. I guess I would say YES, as far as I am translated correctly.
And how HEE HEELarious that THAT kid found your front door. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Stephen, so happy to see you here again. Are you back from Spain?


Ha ha Amber. That was a good one.

Melanie J, HA, you crack me up. Next time you're up at 5 a.m. can I come knock off the liquor store with you. I need some cash for my red front loaders. We priced them yesterday and my hub laughed in my face.

I promise I will pay tithing on them.

Nutty Hamster Chick, ha ha ha ha Trust you to look on the upside, even of evil thoughts. I'm so happy I can help the farmers out.

That is so crazy about the welfare thing. I'm thinking that perhaps in Utah people don't fess up when they need welfare help for their prescription drug addictions because Gad is watching.

Debbie said...

I hope you're wearing rubber soled shoes cause you're so gonna get struck with lightning.

I was laughing, good post!

Youngblood4ever said...

Crash- I worked on the Sabbath when I went to BYU. My employer? BYU. You figure that one out.

But, ya, I'm going to helk. See you there.

Stephen said...

Yes back from Spain and Italy. I can verify that the Gad of Utah was not in Barcelona at the topless beaches. (but it was heavenly)

Martha said...

I just had an "ah ha" moment. There's this soccer player kid from England in my tennis class. Guess what his name is: Yep, Will. He's a good tennis player too, and we got to talking and I remembered he was on your blog way back when. He's getting married in Salt Lake, Dec. 19th. You should go. He wants your blog address so I'm going to send it.

They are painting our temple white again and when it's done Gad will come back to Hawaii. It's not grey anymore.

Were you able to get those pictures off my picasa web album that I sent you? You never said.

Adam did a jump and wiped out on his dirt bike and hurt his wrist. Could Al come over and look at it please?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Maratha, I am so sorry you have lost access to your free heath care. That is just adding insult to injury. You can always just call. That's what I have to do with my brother. Of course diagnosing over the phone is rather difficult.

The Garden of Egan said...

You are too funny to be legal! Hope you enjoyed your Sabbath! ...and your Crunch Berries.
verification word: fubsong

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Okay, do you know me? No. Is it better that way? Probably. Do I regularly click my way to blogs around the universe? Yea. Do I feel bad about it? Nope.

Anyway, all of y'all (Crash Dummy and everybody who's left a comment) just have to know how impressed I am - I had no idea persons of the Utah variety could make me laugh out loud, snort even. I thought that only happened here, in the place where He REALLY lives, home of "hey, y'all watch this".

Just so you know, I would've High-fived you back, had I been your RS president. But wait a minute, that won't ever happen - because why? Because I don't live in Utah? Noooo, because to be a RS president, you have to be nice and, um, well, I'll put it this way - when I took the "Which Steel Magnolia's Character are you?" test on Facebook, I came out as Ouiser. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, sorry that I've left a comment longer than your post, but it was too good not to comment on.

P.S. Just so ya know, I had a close encounter of the scary kind myself, while sitting on the organ bench a couple of weeks ago. I was in church, but I was laughing, and next thing I know, the lightning/thunder shows its stuff big time. Yowzers.

Mariko said...

I was totally reading that "Dorky wedges" and nodding my head.
*ba dum bum!

Isn't it weird how here you're a super duper good Mormon and there you're the kind that gets "looks"?

Hawaii is so going to helk in a handbasket. With no food storage to boot.

T said...

I was totally enjoying the Sunday Morning Rain (but I went to the afternoon dedication) because we NEVER get that kind of fun rain here!

Let's plan a fun party in helk :) it'll be quite the crowd!

Rebecca said...

Ok, Crash, I know who you are, and you might remember who I am but you might not...your hubs and my brother were good friends in HS (Greg G.)...I have been reading your blog for a little while now and I just can't sit in silence any longer. You make me laugh SO MUCH, I can barely hold my bladder sometimes! I actually used to live about 4 doors down from your MIL with my bro (Greg) but I don't live there anymore although he still does.

Anyway, I just couldn't sit and remain hidden any longer without letting you know how funny you really are and what a smile you bring to my face!! Thanks for that!

April said...

I'm going to helk. Cause I live in Utah AND I didn't go to the dedication. I was too tired from working all week. I read a book instead (and not even a church book). Ba dum bum.

Martha said...

Dang, we actually had to get an x ray at the hospital and make an appointment with doc at the Health Center. We had to wait forever, because Al's not there, and they are all going to helk without him.

Anywho, Adam broke something in his wrist that's shaped like a hook. I can't remember the name of the bone because there's a lot of bones in wrists and it was something long. I guess he won't be dirtbiking for a few weeks.

I asked Esther how the Health Center was without Al and she said it was awful and she does not want to talk about it. The front desk ladies all asked me if I heard from you, and I said yes, and they are pretty much still crying over there.

Martha said...

Ok, I looked it up and it's actually the bone in the arm called the ulna (which isn't even long, is it) at the very top where it meats the wrist and comes to a point like a hook. I knew you had to know which bone it was.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness, Martha, what bad timing for Adam to break a bone in his wrist--right after Alan leaves. How could Murphy do that to you? My apologies. I can't imagine how stressed and backed up the Health Center is now. I hope they hire Tom. What a blessing that would be for him. Ain't it weird how things work out sometimes. Oh, and YES, I am totally going to Wil's wedding. In fact, last night at Tatum's soccer game I met his fiance's club coach. Such a small world in Utah.

April, ha ha ha You are so quick. You too Mariko. LOL I lub it. I am coming visiting teaching today. I hope you guys need salt and honey.

Rebecca, I TOTALLY remember you and your brother. Of course I do. How could I forget all those lemon meringue pies? Oh my goodness, HOW DID you find me? How crazy weird to think you've been having bladder trouble at my expense.

T, I lub the party in helk idea. As soon as we get more settled, I'm coming to St. George. Come helk or highwater.

Glora, welcome to the partay! Feel free to post in my comment box any time.

Hi Debbie! I don't any rubber soled shoes. I'm just going to take my chances.

Sandi said...

So, when you go to St. George you must let me know. Because I am so going to helk, so I might as well party like it's 1999 right? So hmm.. i think Martha mentioned that Wils wedding is 12/19. Same day as KK's, you will just have to have a moment of silence while you are there to think about the fact that you SHOULD be at the Kona temple instead!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Sandi, I have already thought of that. And I've already scheduled a moment of silence for KK and Suli.


Wil was actually in Suli's class. And I never gave Wil swirly cupcakes.

Sniff. I miss Wil and Suli.

But YES, let's partay like it's 1999. In St. George. In September sometime. K? K? K?

(Kute Kasey's initials. he he he).

Sarah said...

Your posts are some of the funniest things I have ever read! I laugh out loud every time!