Saturday, August 15, 2009


I'm just stretched out here in the dark, listening to the wrestling waves.  

The wind is flirting with the trees and alls I'm thinking about is a profound post LoW wrote a while back entitled "I Can't!" which featured a photo of a woman in labor.   

She was recollecting that epiphany you get when you're pushing and pushing and all the sudden you realize you CAN'T do it.  You can't push that big ole' baby out of your iddy biddy body.  

You girlz KNOW what I'm talking about, right?  How when you break the news to your hub that you CAN'T do it, you WON'T do it, and you don't even WANT to do it, he smiles condescendingly and says "Of course you can honey.  And you WILL.  Now PUSH!!!!" 

So that's when you give him that gentle reminder, Kung Fu Panda style, that he's the one who got you into this in the first place so he better not even THINK about ever ever ever coming near you again when he's wearing his Aspen cologne and his stripey P.J.s.

I don't know why I told you that story.  It has nothing to do with anything.  Totally random.  

It has nothing to do with the fact that I have less than 48 hours left to live.  

In Hawaii. 

And it has nothing to do with how Ronnie, my mover, totally abandoned me like a Radio Head song.  That's right!  He left me so high and dry.   When I called him this morning for reassurance the nice customer service lady said my move had been reassigned to some dude named Bill.   

You see now why I have a stone cold heart, peeps.  

And it has nothing to do with the fact that I am on my . . . comma.    
And it has nothing to do with finding out that my van down by the river needs $4,000 worth of repairs before we can park it at Utah Lake.  

ba bye van down by the river.  Have fun being a kidney car.  

But wait!  You can't even be a kidney car because I can't find your title!  

And now my house is a nervous wreck because I laid into it like a woman in labor.  Without an epidural.  And I grabbed it by the collar and got all up in it's grill and screamed "Where's the freakin' title, huh? huh? huh?  SHOW ME THE TITLE!!!!!" 

I turned my whole house upside down and got nothin' but a nauseous house.

But then the universe took pity on me and Martha brought over the most delicious secret recipe sandwiches for lunch.  I would have taken a photo if I wasn't so busy trying to find the remote control for the sweat glands in my eye balls.  

Mmmmmmahalo Martha.   Now I can't feel sorry for myself. 

And Mahalo Teresa Kimball for dropping in to help me clean my kitchen.  Teresa and I have been soul-sistahs for 13 years--ever since I heard her say YEE HAW when she introduced her family to the entire BYU-H faculty.    

She taught me to clog in her back yard.  And she named all of her kids after cities in Wyoming.  

And now she's seen my oven naked.   

Would you guys like to see my oven naked?

K, you've seen my oven naked.  

Now say YEE HAW and name your next kid Sheridan or Cody and we can be soul sistahs too. 

Gotsta go!  (Some of us on this blog are still in labor.)  


Wolfgang said...

Hi, I know ben is SOOOOO so so so IN L.O.V.E.! good for him, he's such a good man, he deserves a great woman!

You better be at my wedding. ;) jk, i know you have a lot going on and it will be way busy for you, but I would be so thrilled to see you and I good need a good story to blog about. do you?!! all this moving stuff on your blog is starting to be depressing, jk. ;)

its 10.40am St. George Temple, East room! see you there

Amanda said...

It is all happening so quickly! I can't imagine what a whirlwind the last few weeks must have been.

Good luck in the next day and a half as you make your final preparations and receive your Bon Voyage wishes (well, except for Martha who might chuck an overripe banana at you in her last moments of desperation).

April said...

HUH???? Wolfgang is getting married at MY TEMPLE??????? When the labor pains are over, lets talk about this! (I may be able to arrange for a room for you in St G.) Send me a message on FB.

Have you been reading Shelle's post? All these nekked posts floating around and my hubby out of town....what is a girl to do?

hahaha....wv says stuped.

Sandi said...

I can't believe you are going to get to go to Wolfgang's wedding and not KK's. That is just not right. I don't think it's right that you let anyone see your oven nekked. I could never do it- mine must look wayyyy worse than yours. Tell Martha we want the secret recipe! Tell her that I am still on to her, because we all know that the way to a hubs heart is through his tummy.
wv= obeseenes- does it know I am sitting here eating peanut m&m's for breakfast??

Sandi said...

p.s. Can't you just donate your title-less van to a homeless family down by the river?
p.p.s. I bet Ronnie was a hottie and now you will never know!
p.p.s.s. Yee Haw for Teresa- now THAT is a true friend!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I am so sorry about your title-less van. Why are life's litle details so important at times.

Would you like some ice chips? Just push you can do this. I have no idea about that stuff but I have seen it on TV lots of times so I am sure it is the same.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I just got back online and now you're disappeariing, wah!

Happy moving, let it go well!!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Oh and BREATHE! Lots

Youngblood4ever said...

My eyes! I might need to go see the bishop now. I thought this blog was G (or at least PG rated). Naked ovens? A little to risky for me.

Mariko said...

Wow. I need to invite her over to my house. I don't think I've ever seen my oven naked.

Secret recipe sandwiches? I think I need that secret.

Maybe your hub will switch to polka dot pj's. That's gonna get you in trouble for sure.

DeNae said...

I had four c-sections. I sat here for several minutes trying to come up with a metaphor for all of that, but I got nothin'. Except that life changes are painful, one way or another. And I'm sorry your eyes keep sweating. Poor Crash, if it weren't hard, it would mean the last 18 years weren't meaningful and important.

I'm sending you another virtual hug.

And that is one sexy oven...

lori said...

((((huggs)))))) you know you'll be loved wherever you are. You're one lucky lady!

T said...

ACK - we are SO going to have to stalk Wolfgang's wedding!!! (hmmm... that doesn't sound like fun for the bride... but who said the day was all about her anyway?)

I shut my eyes for the nekked oven pic - I'm sweet and innocent like that!

(btw - Hubs now wants to go to the PF concert... never knew he was such a fan!)

Martha said...

That's right Sandi, I didn't make Crash the yummiest sandwiches ever, I made them for someone else, then today apple pancakes and a fruit smootie too. You are so on to me.

Sandi said...

haha Martha :)

I am LoW said...

I still can't believe you are moving already. Did you have like- no notice? Or did we get no notice? I just feel like we'd have time to play before you left but instead you announced it and started packing right away.

I'm still trying to accept the fact.

I am going to miss the Hawaiian you.

I'll love the Provoan you, I am sure though.... right?

Sandi said...

Ya know....I think Low makes a good point. We have fallen in love with the Hawaiian you...ya know the dummy with a little tropical intrigue going on. I am thinking you MIGHT need to woo us all over again, because some of us might not be so fascinated with yet another Utard. Just saying. Wooing us is good.Bring it dummy!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Wolfgang, I totally want to. Even though I don't have a car and it's my kids 2nd day of school. I am so plotting. I even looked into airfare. Did you know it costs a whopping $300 to fly to St. George for 5 hours?

But April and T wouldn't that be awesome to stalk Wolfgang on his wedding day? I wonder if he'd let me bring a friend. I don't think I'd even have time to get a room, just fly in, cry, hug the bride and groom, snap a few photos, eat some lunch with my buds and then fly back home in time to pick up my kids from school.

T, I think it is so cool that your hub wants to go to the PF concert. My only dilemma is that it's on a weekday and my hub is starting a new job. Don't know how supportive they'll be if he says "HEY, can I take tomorrow off for a PF concert?

You know what's cool about PF? You can take it as Pink Floyd instead of Peter Frampton and then people think you're real hard core.

But we are real hard core. We went to a Pink Floyd concert when I was preg with my 1st. We were the only one's NOT wearing tie-die.

Ha ha Amanda about the flying banana. She did chuck flying plumeria flowers at me as we were pulling out of the driveway. She and SWIRL both did.

ha ha Youngblood. I'm so sorry to taint your virgin eyes. I know ya'll never let your oven get that neked. I used to be an oven prude too, before I moved.

Sandi, ha ha ha ha ha ha about Martha. She brought us some apple pancakes and a smoothie too. But you already know that because I'm a day late and a dollar short. I will never know if Ronnie is a hottie, but it's good I got out now before we went to far with this thing. Although I'm pretty far. In fact I'm in Phoenix at this very moment. I feel so close to you Sandi.

Pat, oh thank you for the ice chips. Ice chips and labor go together like spam and rice. Especially if you go into early labor with twins. They are soooooooo precious if you go into early labor with twins.

Hi Andrea! So happy to see you again. Are you all settled? I have to say breathing did nothing for me during labor, except make me want to punch that false prophet lamaze lady.

Ha ha Mariko, Polka dot pj's. hee hee hee. So glad someone appreciated a good pj joke.

The secret recipe is 4 drops of italian dressing. (And super duper soft yummy bread.)

DeNae, four c-sections? Wowie! Thanks for the empathy and the virtual hug. You are right. I had one c-section and you're right. Life changes are darn hard.

As for Low and Sandi, SHEESH! NO PRESSURE! So now I'm BORING because I'm not longer a Hawaiian Tropic model? Just because none of the cool Jacks live in Utah, besides Jack Daniels, doesn't mean I'll be just another Utard with nuttin' to write about. You just wait.

You just wait.

Crash will still have her Hawaiian punch.

But I know what you mean. sniff.

Thanks for reminding me. sniff