Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Bare Naked Sanity (and a little help from your (kid's) friends)

Yesterday I went to my daughter's high school with a bare naked face. It didn't even cross my mind that I might be breaking the modbe code, but, oh my goodness, it was full facial nudity. 

I felt like a stripper walking down the high-school-musical-hallway because everyone else's faces were fully dressed, (all the way down to their smiles).  

(Am I making Utah out to be too . . . Disney?)

BTW, Did you know that at Disneyland if you fall off a ride, the ambulance arrives through the back gate dressed as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, puts his siren on mute, then tip-toes you to an underground hospital where he puts a gun to your head until you sign your name in blood that you fell on purpose.

I have no idea why I told you that story.  It's pretty much top secret.   (If I'm not back here tomorrow I've probably been "silenced" by the lambs.) 

J/K, everyone!  No one falls off the rides at Disneyland. 

NOW would be a good time to smack me!  


I hope I'm not giving the impression that I don't enjoy living in Utah. It's pretty much bee-U-tiful right now. And the weather is purrrfect. There is already that faint hint of nip in the air.

In the mornings, after my kids leave for school I stretch out across my bed and stare out my newly windex'd sliding glass doors watching the trees turning burnt amber and thanking Gad that I'm not sweating myself silly.  

Despite all the things I miss about Hawaii there are SO many things I don't miss.  Like the cockroaches.  And their poop.  

Pardon moi.  I mean, their droppings.  

I don't miss the gecko droppings either. 

And I don't miss my afro. 

Surprisingly I don't miss my warped, gray particle-board cupboards either. 

And It's so fun to be able to scream at my kids above a whisper because none of the neighbors can hear me. 

For the record, my sister's vacant house pretty much ROCKS!  It's just like a playground. 

There's this thing on her fridge door that you can put your cup under and when you push it water comes out.  And if you switch it real fast, all this ice comes out in itty bitty pieces.  And then you can switch it back again and you get more water.  

It's awesome!

And my darling sister brought some rolling desk chairs over so my boys could fling themselves across the empty wood floors until my head explodes.  

And my bro-in-law brought some super slick sleeping bags over so my boys could practice sledding down the stairs until their heads explode. 

I was going to say it's like living at Disneyland, but I hate to over-kill a simile.

Plus you don't have to eat salad with a plastic spoon at Disneyland.  

If my life were a soda right now I would call it Life Light.  Diet Life.  Life Zero.  It's crisp and clean, w/no caffeine.  

If you don't mind eating salad with a spoon, it's downright carefree. What you realize is that you actually can get by with a little help from your friends (and family) and you begin to feel sorry for the poor shmucks who are burdened with all those couches and chairs to sit on. 

Surprisingly it's not the big things you miss, it's the little things.  Like rubber bands and pencil sharpeners.  Like bowls and spatulas.   

Like your kids friends . . . 

And their sanity . . .

In fact, you almost miss their sanity more than you miss your own.


Sandi said...


Tiffany said...

I adore you, Crash. I moved cross country last year at this exact time, and it has been therapeutic for me to re-live the process through your move!

Sandi said...

had to go back and read..haha. I betcha that some forks and bowls and spatulas appear at your place today. you know how those Utards are.
Cute pics of the kids- are your kids missing them a lot? Oh so hard to leave good friends behind, but they have it so much easier than we used to...they have cell phones, texting, IM, internet,facebook, email etc.. when we had to leave our friends behind it was for reals.These kids are so lucky!
um...I think I missed something, can you please explain to me what a modbe is?
Did your daughter forgive you and your nekkid face?

Chief said...

Did you know that one time we were staying in the Disney Land hotel and we woke up to a smoke alarm. We went out into the hall and were told it was a false alarm so instead of going back to bed we thought we would hit the park early. When we went to get on the tram, we saw a huge wall with black smoke damage and we asked the employees about it but they just smiled and told us everything was fine. So, when we returned at the end of the day, the wall had been painted and the smell of smoke was gone, we commented about how in the world they were able to clean it all up so quickly, only to be told that they had no idea what we were talking about....there had been no smoke. We pressed and were quickly shuffled away.

That is how secretive Disneyland is my friends

T said...

dang I wish we were closer, we've been suffering from a fork glut lately.

hmmm... that doesn't sound good does it?

your word verifier wants you to relax... it does actually SAY malatonin, but mationin is SO close right???

T said...

and of course, thanks to you and Chief - I think I may put off going to Disneyland for a little while, until I don't have an unrational fear of Big Brother, the secret police, and Chitty Chitty Bang bang...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Sandi, another new profile pic. And I lub it so much. I lub lub lub the orange daisy thingies. And your "other" daughter looks exactly like Kute Kasey. Oh, how sweet is that photo!

Modbe is that Mormon clothing line. Code for modest and becoming, (as good little girls should be.)

Tiffany, YAY! More proof that everyone falls in lub with their therapists. ;)

Chief, OMGOSH! That is the best story ever. That is such a perfect story to illustrate my point. ha ha ha ha LOLOL and Mahalo!

T, I think my verifier is actually not telling me to relax, but telling me I have skin cancer. YIKES!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, and T, don't forget the lambs. You have to be afraid of the lambs too.

I am LoW said...

I lived in Utah long enough to know it's not Disney, but it is true that everyone always seems so made up. And all Utahns can sing too, can't they? It's amazing.

Melanie J said...

So, here's my freaky deaky D-land story. Be warned: IT'S GRAPHIC!

'Kay. I went to Disneyland once on my birthday which happens to be Christmas Eve. And we saw this helicopter hovering for a long time and we thought maybe Santa was going to descend from it on a zipline or something. turns out that it was a Lifeflight helicopter coming to pick up the body of a dude that got decapitated on the RIVER BOAT. The river boat, of all things! A beam came loose and took his head off.

Aaaaah! It was all over the news that night. So now I don't go on the river boat.

CaJoh said...

Almost sounds like you came from a third world country and not Hawaii. Love the comment about the fridge.

Makes me wonder how long it will be before you call it home…

Youngblood4ever said...

I like to totally embarrass my kids by wearing my pj's and NO bra to take them to school. You should try that next. My son once said, "Mom, you can stay in the car. I don't want people to make fun of you." Isn't that so considerate? However, I needed to get out. It's not me I want made fun of, it's him. "Hey man, your mom's a little freaky."

Skeet said...

Whenever I sit at the computer and laugh out loud now my kids say, "What, is it crash's blog?" Now that's a serious compliment. Hey I really like the new blog follower format. I'm very happy for you and your new water feature. :)

IWA (e - va) said...

So as I was standing in line at our little FoodLand Store, in our little community, sheltered from the rest of the world, I saw a polygamist lady buying coke! ... the dress (pink and eyelet) , the hair (really really high hair), the shoes......and I started laughing out loud.. Really!.. and not because of the polygamist lady... but the fact that i saw one here in Laie.. i mean they're everywhere in Utard... but never Laie! All i could think was that if you saw it... you would have taken a picture and blogged it! It was hilarious! Sorry you missed it… it would have given you all your sanity back!

Sandi said...

Wow Iwa...that was quite a sighting!
Thanks for the kind words on my new pic..and now that I know what modbe is....I can aspire to be that in all i say and do. wish me luck.

Funny Farmer said...

Why do you suppose all the Utards look so happy? It couldn't possibly be that they ARE actually happy, could it?


diapers, drool and life said...

You miss the familiar of Hawaii, and I miss the ugly familiar of the Armpit of Idaho. My family just moved to Texas for law school. I have to admit, I cried when I saw my first cockroach. Cried and told my hubby I wanted to move back to Poky. Good luck. I love reading your blog. It makes me happy.

April said...

I think that subliminally, Kristina is rubbing off on you....all this talk about bein' nekked!

There's nothing like eating salad with a spoon....or a knife cause you are out of plastic forks.

Rachel Sue said...

Still giggling about your bare naked face. Because I did that yesterday (on the first day of kindergarten, no less) and felt a little out of place with all the other moms with perfectly curled hair and dressed up faces.

Martha said...

Great pictures. The red shiny pants got left with us. We'll use them wisely, I promise.

The kids and the cockroaches miss your kids too.

We went to Alligator Pond today because Nan has soccer practice over there. I can't remember when I've ever been there without your twins.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

LoW, OMGOSH, Yes, they can sing. And it's also a small world afterall in Utah.

Melanie J. Ew! That is so sad/strange/disturbing. I guess in that case there was no way the ambulance could put a gun to his head until he signed his name in blood that he meant to be decapitated. Ew. That felt mean saying that.

Cajoh, that's about right. Hawaii is somewhere in between the mainland and a 3rd world country.

Youngblood. HA HA I love that attitude.

Okay, Skeet, I have no idea what you're talking about. Water feature? Follower format? What the what?

Iwa that is crazy. I didn't know polygamists vacationed in Hawaii. I have never had a sighting in all 18 years I lived there. Hey, I came by your blog yesterday and there were NO posts. What the what?

Funny Farmer, that's my theory and I'm stickin' to it.

DDL, ah shucks. I feel for ya, girlfriend. I feel for ya. HUGS!

High five, Rachel Sue!

Martha, don't even talk about alligator pond in fron of me or my eyeballs will start sweating.

Aloha April! You always understand things so perfectly.

Debbie said...

Oh the things kids do when they have empty spaces. We used to sit on our toys and slide down the stairs. It was like surfing.

IWA (e - va) said...

I shut my blog down.. unfortunately just when i thought the drama was over... my neighbor ran out of her house at 5:30 am in the morning to stop my husband as he was heading off to work, to tell him that I have a secrest blog where i say mean things about him and it's open for the world to see. of course then he got mad, then i got mad.. because it wasnt true.. and this was just another blow after she had accused me of so many other horrible things... so i drafted everything until i can export it to another electronic journal...

but At the time I was so mad and irritated and quite frankly, i felt totally...... violated....??? does that sound weird... maybe a better word is encroached upon.... invaded.. idk.. but yeah.. it's gone... but im still reading and commenting.. so please dont block me!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH IWA! That is so crazy! I'm sorry. Blogging is very vulnerable, I just hope you saved all your entries. PLEASE say you did. It's still fun to hit your blog. Just for the playlist alone.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

It's soooooo true! Utahans are always overly made up! Since moving to the east coast, I have realized that they are overly groomed. Teeth perfect, not one hair out of place, lips perfectly lined, clothes pressed, etc. Same way with their houses! Their houses ALWAYS must be perfectly decorated. Not like that on the east coast.

Will you become a Disneyified Utanan?!

Mariko said...

Iwa-- THAT is so annoying. I was just about to write something in my blog the other day and I had to censor myself because I was afraid that someone who knew someone who knew someone might read it and tell that someone. Why does everyone stick their noses in?

I didn't see anyone comment on Rasta Jason.
He's scary. Really. Friend, you say?

I bet most of all you don't miss dead ant bodies.

Sandi said...

is Mariko speaking in tongues?