Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Speaking of choices . . .

Not to be rude and just between you and me, BYU-H turned off our cable (bless their hearts) without any warning or permission slips or apologies.  

We thought it was our punishment for jumping ship, but apparently is effected everyone in the hood.    

I didn't complain because I've got my dust to deal with, but when it came back on four days later it was all screwywampus.  We no longer have ABC or NBC or CBS.  What we do have is The Andy Griffeth Show and 'round the clock Roseanne.  

It's times like this that I think of Utah and a slight smile spreads across my face and I whisper under my breath, "hmmm, I kinda sorta feel like STICKIN' IT TO THE MAN today!" 

Of course it's just a fleeting thought.  And I would never seriously entertain it.  

In fact usually when I get a subversive thought like that I pull out my enchanted broom and dustpan and begin humming a happy working song until that evil additude goes away. 

Or until I break out into that Twisted Sister song, "WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!" 

So I made an executive decision.  I'm going to veto my No Dust Left Behind policy.  Memories or not, ALL my dust will be left . . . in the dust. 

Get it?  In the dust.  Aaaah, sometimes I crack myself up. 

Except the pixie dust.  The pixie dust will stay because I will need it to cast my charms on each room before leaving so the next inhabitants will live long and prosper in their new environment.   

Charming a room entails emptying it of any bad karma and replacing it with blessings and luck. 

It's fairly easy to do. First you must convert your room and then baptize it with soft scrub. Then you simply burn 13 drops of Cherry Blossom oil on a clay pot while playing Mozart, sprinkling pixie dust and doing jazz hands. 

I actually just found out who the next inhabitants of our house will be.  My next door neighbor Martha!!!  That's right, peeps!  For a month.  While the university remodels her floors.  

I plan on sprinkling extra pixie dust and charming the socks off each room so Martha and her family will live long and prosper, (even though she's trying to give us the cold shoulder, telling us she doesn't need us anymore and threatening that she's never going to play tennis or go to the beach with us again.)  

At least Martha will get to walk a month in our shoes.  

Maybe she won't be so hard on us once she sees what life is like without ABC, CBS and NBC.


Amber Lynae said...

Your entertainment choices are very slim. And If you can please record the Charming of a room and put it on you tube. I learn all my best tricks from you tube.

I hope Martha enjoys all your converting and soft scrub baptizing.

The Framptons said...

Love "The Climb", by Miley Cyrus. Great song choice. And I'm glad you found something that makes Utah look a little better.

Martha said...

It better not take them a whole month to do our floors. I'm thinking a week.

So maybe it's somebody else they are moving in there. I don't know. They never give us a straight answer. They all need to go on missions over there in BYU housing and learn the committment pattern. Then again, I need to remember who we are dealing with (BYU housing) and their past performance, which actually could take a month.

I do appreciate the pixie dust and charms you want to leave for us though.

It's not that I want to give you the cold shoulder it's just that I almost feel it's necessary to self preserve my smile. Too many people have just left us in their non pixie dust and taken off leaving us here to try to teach other people how to play tennis. Is it worth it to befriend these new neighbors and try to teach them? What if they are uncoordinated? Then right after I get them all trained, they will eventually take off and move to Provo too.

Kristina P. said...

When your blog popped up in my Reader, it reminded me that I had uneaten macadamia nut candy in my bag, that you gave me! I'm eating it right now, it's delcious. Just like being in Hawaii.

Skeet said...

Crash, When I visited your place in Hawaii, I felt not ONE ounce of bad carma in the whole place. But, I'm sure Martha will enjoy the Cherry Blossom oil anyway. I know I would. Yum.

BTW, yes you are a crack up, super duper funny girl.

Skeet said...

oops, I spelled karma wrong.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

So when do you actually leave??

IWA (e - va) said...

So #33 totally came on again! I think your blog knew i needed that!

Hah to BYUH Cable! I got rid of my TV's a month ago! It's funny because when i read that they took the channels away... i got the paranoid sense that they were just trying to find one more thing to get me back with! heehee!

Amen to martha's housing comment! BUt Thats all Im saying, I mean i would say leave all the dust and anything else that you dont feel like cleaning and just let housing deal with it! but I promised my bishop I would keep my mouth shut for the next year and just get through graduation and be done with this Restrictive University that i love soo much!!!

Homer and Queen said...

Going back to God's country...Zion...snow...bleck!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Queenie, did you just say bleck to God's country?

IWA, I think my blog loves you. I don't blame it. And #33 is so appropriate to my current state of emotional landscape. I'm listening to it right now.

And Martha's. Poor poor Martha. She needs a huge hug. Martha, I haven't seen you smile (with your eyes) since we've been back. You are the one person who always befriends everyone. Don't go all jaded on us. We will only be an ocean and a couple mountain ranges away!


Emily, we leave in about 2 weeks. Tell your dad I got his email and I will write back soon.

Skeet, you are da bomb!

Kristina P. I love thinking of you in Hawaii.

Framptons, I can't very well make things look too good, can I? That's not how the dummy rolls. But YOU are one of the best things about Utah, just between you and me.

Amber, I love that idea. Post my charm spells on You Tube. It will just be a whole lotta jazz hands and Mozart though. And a little bit of soft scrub.

Sandi said...

I wonder if BYU gives better Christmas bonus's than BYUH?

T said...

ummm... Sandi - unless you can get less than a frozen Butterball... nope. sorry to disappoint :)

I want to walk a mile in your dust... but just the Hawaiian dust - I've had my fill of Provo dust lately :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ahah Sandi! I love that you remember the hymn book.

T, we have decided not to move to Provo after all. But we are moving north of Provo.

You can walk in my dust any time. You can even eat my dust.

Colleen said...

I forgot to mention that Laie IS a Utah county. Same choices, or lack there of. . . , same peeps, pretty much, so what's the hurry. . . two weeks!!! that is way too soon. One thing you're not going to miss is those plastic floors they're going to put in, bleck! Be sure to find a house with the real thing! By the way, I just found a cool essay contest, $3000 prize, and a trip for two to NYC, hotel and Broadway play (and a lunch with the editors). If you promise to take me, I'll tell you which magazine, and the very cool prompt.

Youngblood4ever said...

I got addicted to MASH and Matlock because it was on CONSTANTLY on channel 13, one of the few channels we got with our rabbit ears. Remember those? Ya, good times. Still love those shows. Hmmm....

Oh, sorry, I was just having some good memories of what it was like to actually have time to watch tv. (But, had I known about blogging then I probably wouldn't have ever watched those shows. Is that a good thing or bad thing?)

Hey, when are you flying your cuttoockus and fam over here to stay? (Cuttoockus= behind, rear end, caboose)

WV- manlintr- I think it is wondering man if your lint is included in the no dust left behind.

Melanie J said...

I've been doing this all wrong. I didn't realize I needed jazz hands. I hope I haven't accidentally been performing curses instead.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha Melanie. I'm so glad I'm here to set you straight.

Youngblood . . . RABBIT EARS! I so remember rabbit ears.

Colleen, YES I pinky promise I'll take you to New York. Give me the prompt. Hey, I got Becky's announcement. WAHOOOOOOO! Becky and Danny are getting hitched. I didn't even KNOW! And Cassie is getting hitched two weeks before her! Did Adam take the photo because it is incredible!!! MY favorite ever.

April said...

Do you use the pixie dust before or after you dust? I'm just know sparkles everywhere....kind of defeats the purpose of all that hard work. (And that is the reason right there as to why I had boys....I am too practical!) Gosh! I need to learn to play more...fine! Hand over the pixie dust Tamn it!

Martha said...

You were so right about that huge hug? Because I actually took one from Al today around noon right out in the parking lot in front of all the neighbors. They probably all think I'm silly, but hey it was needed.

Sandi said...

PSSSST! Keep an eye on that Martha chick

wv= undiate= the very reason my pants are not fitting me anymore. Crap.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Jazz hands are the key to every crisis. That and a pair of those big oversized goofy teeth. Why don't you get some of those to wear and flash at Martha every time you see her.

Martha my heart is so breaking for you. I am so sorry this is happening to you. In my last ward my favorite people kept moving away and it just about killed me. And I too would vow never to get attatched again, but alas I am addicted to friends and can't seem to help myself. Maybe you need to remember to breathe just as much as Crash. Oxygen can be key to survival.

So Crash are you going public with your new city of residence, or will i have to wait for hidden clues? North of Provo doesn't really narrow it down very much.

When I was in the hospital last year with Jared, someone gave me a card that said "Consider yourself hugged" That way if I really needed a hug and no one was there, I could just read that card and feel comforted. Maybe you better make Martha a stack of those cards. Just a thought.

IWA (e - va) said...

So i was driving home tonight from town and it was the most beautiful drive I ever had! The mountain on one side, the ocean on the other and a big yellow full moon sitting over the water and reflecting the most beatiful light onto the water! And I thought of your son....Lucky we live hawaii! stop packing/cleaning for a while and go take a drive!

IWA (e - va) said...

Martha you too! go take a drive!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Iwa, you are so psychic. My post tomorrow is going to be about the drive I took today.

You are so right though about how gorgeous it is tonight. It's almost insane. The sky is so clear and the moon so bright.

I'm totally going to do a lucky we live laie post before we leave.

Pat, you are the most compassionate person ever. That card idea is heelarious. I think I should have my hub give Martha those cards, huh Sandi?

hee hee Lucky I'm not the jealous (of Martha) type.

Martha said...

I'm glad too that Crash is not the jealous (of me) type. I really didn't know I would be having such a hard time with this whole move thing and I'm trying to figure out why.

So I've basically narrowed it down to this: Of course I love Crash, and her kids are like my niece's and nephews, but what makes me the most sad is losing her hub. Crash's hub is like the brother I never had (except I actually have three brothers, but they are not here are they?) We have so much in common that we must be twins(except I'm a whole year older and don't have grey hairs, and since he's not really my brother we don't fight or are mean to each other).

Do you guys know that for the last 10 years I've been talking and playing with him almost everyday? I didn't want to write all this because I knew some of you guys might take it wrong. I'm glad Crash has been able to share him with me so I could have a brother next door to me.

When you found out you were moving wan't it Al that said he didn't want to tell me about it? How did he know?

I'm trying to breathe and don't do the cards that will make it worse.

I guess it's time for him to go back to his real sisters now. They have probably been missing him all these years.

Martha said...

Don't worry I won't become jaded and I will try to cheer up, and I will befriend the new neighbors.

Laura and Emily said they are going to step it up and take care of me. Emily and I are planning on going dirt biking (cuz Laura is a tad bit too scared). I'm also thinking I need to be friends with Kendra because she is in my ward and she's way cool. I think Kendra and I could be buds.

Matter of fact guess what? Our Elder's Quorum is planning a Labor Day party so I won't have to pout that whole day remembering that you weren't here to plan your Labor Day party. I actually have a few brothers in my ward that I hang out with too named Barry and Brian and Kaipo.

Plus, I told Al that I'm going to hang out with Brandon more now. He's been trying to play tennis with me for years and since I had Al to play with, I never gave Brandon the time of day. I will now. There I'm already happier. I'm going back to bed now.

Sandi said...

Poor Brandon, having to live with the knowledge that he is Martha's 2nd choice.
I could so add to your list of lucky to live in Laie list- after NOT living there for more than 20 years, I still miss it!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha Sandi about the poor Brandon thing. ha ha ha ha ha Oh, you crack me up, girl.

I have left Laie twice and come back twice. I used to fantasize about going to the mailbox in my bare feet all winter long when I lived in New York. And I lOVE New York.

I know I will miss this place every day. And I'm scared to death of that knowledge.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGosh, did I just say that?

Oh yeah, and sorry about your loss Martha.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Even though you're romanticizing the details.

(My hub doesn't have gray hair, peeps!)

Martha said...

Yes, he does.

Sandi said...

Martha would know.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Sandi!

Oh girl, you crack me up. I can't wait to meet you.

hee hee heee lololololol