Thursday, August 20, 2009

I have arrived!

Aloha from planet Utah.

We have landed. Safely. And soundly. (Except my hub, who won't land until Saturday.)

I have been playing Boxcar Children at my sister's vacant house because all we brought with us were the clothes on our back and the skin off our teeth.  

And a whole bunch of duffle bags.  

Oh, and a bunch of back packs too.

We have no T.V. or internet and my phone is completely dead because I forgot to grab my charger before I was dragged off the Island of Oahu. 

In essence we are camping. We've even been foraging for berries and such. (Cap'n Crunch Berries). Living off the land. That's how we roll in Utah.

It's just too bad the Boxcar Children didn't have my sister around to bring them toilet paper and buy them garbage cans and make them taco salad and remodel their master bathroom.

That's not even the half of it, peeps. She snoops through my shopping lists then makes like a Walmart fairy. She types and notarizes documents for me while making my kids feel safe AND feeding all the teachers at the elementary school. 

All the while looking too cute to boot.   I would say she's a regular martha Stewart, if Martha Stewart were darling, and charming, and didn't go to jail, and wasn't obsessed with pitch black horses.  

My wish is for every Boxcar Child to have a sister like mine!  

Soooooooo, anyways (I like to say anyways because it drives my SIL crazy, as it's not proper English.)  

Soooooooo, anyways, have you all been sitting around breathing the breath of life (HA) into each other and wondering what the helk happened to me?

Allow me to summarize.

Remember how right before I left I said I was at that I CAN'T stage of my "moving" labor?

Well I wasn't. That stage didn't come until about 2 hours before I actually had to get on the plane. I honest-to-pete said I CAN'T leave yet. I was seriously so NOT ready to close the book and say The End.

I even called up the airlines to see how much it would cost to change our flights to the next day. It was only $2,000 but my cheapskate hub said "NO WAY, get your booty on that plane."

Such a kill-joy!

My eyeballs were literally sweatin' to the oldies when Martha and Swirl and all of my kid's BFF's were tossing plumeria flowers at our car as we drove out of our driveway and made our way down Naniloa loop for the last time.

I'm going to relive all the goodbyes for you (with photographic evidence) as soon as Comcast finally gets around to hooking up our internet (and our t.v. with a gazillion channels, plus DVRs (what the helk is a DVR?) plus UNLIMITED long distance phone service so our friends, Romans and countrymen can lend me their ears.)

On the plane I had a splitting headache because my eyeballs were water logged, but there's nothing like a good headache to help you come up with some great ideas. I thought of a title for my get-rich-quick cooking blog project.

Are you ready?

The Dumb & Dumber Project. (Any similarities to the Julie & Julia project are purely coincidental.)

Now I just have to wait for Kellie Pickler to write a cook book.

While I'm waiting I have another project in mind. I'm going to produce a reality t.v. show like The Bachelor meets Survivor meets a Japanese game show meets Harry meets Sally. 

My show will be heavy on the REALITY and light on the candles, wine and beaches. No heels. No bikinis. No roses. When the bachelor picks his dates he will not hand them a rose, he will hand them a baby with a dirty diaper or a bread maker or a to-do list--something a man would actually had a woman.

To test their compatibility they will have to do all the practical things a husband and wife actually do together--like raising a colicky baby, on a budget or getting through school, on a budget or remodeling a home, on a budget . . . or . . . I don't know . . . MOVING across the ocean. On a budget (which doesn't include a red front loader washer/dryer combo.)

Couples get divorced, on a budget, over such things.

But anyways, my boys and I missed the plane from Phoenix to Salt Lake. 


I was sitting right next to the gate with my ears perked for the boarding call and my mouth engaged in conversation with Kendra Ho Ching's fiance about Cambodia--that's when the plane closed it's doors.  It was embarrassing, but can you blame me?  I mean, it's so sad what happened to the Cambodians under that treacherous Pol Pot. 

So me and my boys and Kendra Ho Ching's finace all waved to the plane as it flew away before we murdered five hours before the next flight.  

Oh, pardon me for a moment, my mom just showed up to take my sister and I to get a pedi.  

Gotsta go!  

BRB (be right back) PP(pinky promise)  IHSMMTS (I have so much more to say)


Blogging Mama Andrea said...

WOWZA. I'm glad you made it safe and eventually sound. Can your sis come hang out at my place cause my walmart list is never ending.

So happy you are ALIVE. I was worried about you.

And if I'm really lucky. I am First.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I was - cool and now second too

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I'm thinking about ebing third as well but that might be kinda silly. But I have one of those headaches you're tlaking about (except mine is from allergies. and kids. and who knows what else?)

Anyway, Happy to have you semi-back my dear. Keep blogging k? And don't let those Utah peeps get you down. Their weird but I hear you get used to them eventually....

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

oh and in my excitement over being 1,2 and 3 I totally mispelled loads of stuff in my third comment. Sorry about that :)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I kinda feel like this is what Kritta must feel like playing in your box all day. It is kinda fun, snicker snicker, hehe.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Okay this time I really AM going. Promise. I may come back though...I never know.

sara said...

The Kelli Pickler comment got me! Hilarious!
Welcome to the main land!

Barbaloot said...

Welcome!!! Good luck/have fun with all the moving craziness.

And also, your darling charming sister is not the only one who can't stand 'anyways.' :)

Homer and Queen said... are already fitting in to the Utah lifestyle!!

IWA (e - va) said...

Sorry to be the kill joy in your plot to improve reality TV... but it's already been done... i saw it... sometime last year....I think ABC... and regis already saved them... again... but none of the couples had to move.... on a budget....So maybe that might the "tactic"!

glad you got there safe.... I told you about the sister thing.. they get to you ... because their soo wonderful!

You're too funny... when i saw you at the potluck thingy on sunday... I had the thought that you did not look like you were leaving on a jet plane in a couple hours! But... you not wanting to leave makes us feel loved even more!

val of the south said...

I always say "anyways" it sounds so strange to me when people say "anyway"!!

So glad you made it safe and sound - Utah is just that much cooler now that you're here!!


nevadanista said...

Bwahahahaha! Missed the plane because you were talking about Pol Pot :D This is why I love you.

Can't wait to get the low down on your developing porn/prozac/MLM addiction!

Martha said...

This morning BYU came and ripped out the carpet and your house.

It's still your house and it always will be. Remember how whenever anyone new moves in, the rest of us always introduce them as the people who moved into so and so's house. I feel sorry for the poor family who will live in 10A because they will be known for the whole first year as the family who moved into Frampton's house.

I thought it was a little rude that Housing felt they had to start working on the house before your hub had even moved out yet. It was kinda like, thanks for working for us for 10 years, now hurry up and leave.

Debbie said...

I'm so glad you are safe and sound in the new land of a different BYU. And that a fantastic sister takes such good care of you!

April said...

I think someone's having blogging withdrawls!!! Nice to see you back, but you look bare without your front load red w&d!

Colleen said...

So, I think it is partly our fault that leaving was so traumatic. We all insisted that you entertain us until the last minute, and then you didn't have time to actually pack, or say goodbye to your house, or even "see you in a week," to your husband.

As I said to Mighty, on Sunday I kept thinking of Madeline's friend who cried, "boo hoo, we want out appendix out too," because as yucky as moving is, it was pretty cool to see how many people came to express their love and aloha when you were leaving. I knew you were popular, but I didn't realize just how popular!

By the way, we might have to ask your sister to write a couple of thank you notes to our HD friends. They didn't make it to school.

I hope Allen left a little cleaning for me tomorrow. (That might make him feel better when you choose me over him to go to Broadway with you!)

Do not change your cell phone number or your Hawaii license. Sorry Utah-uns, it's much cooler than Utah's. That way you can prove you can take the girl out of Hawaii, but you can't take Hawaii out of the girl!

Melanie J said...

As much as I love the Hawaii updates, I can't wait to hear you sing your truth about Utah. I might join the hallelujah chorus if I can stop laughing long enough.

Martha said...

Colleen, I don't think you and Paul have to come clean. BYU has already taken over the house. They are over there pounding over and it's only 7 am.

Perry helped Al take down all the picture hangers and spackel and stuff. It's not super clean in there, but oh well.

It's actually my bishop who does the carpeting and yesterday I said to him, "Man, can't they wait until the poor guy leaves before they come in and start tearing everything up?" Perry told me I was rude, but mainly I was upset because I wasn't ready for them to leave yet either. They should be putting Al up at Turtle Bay if they decide to kick him out early.

Lots of people have been calling me this week asking when you leave. They didn't realize it was so soon and never got a chance to see you before you left. I guess they need to follow your blog better to stay in the loop.

Now today Al leaves and I'm going to have to go through the whole saying goodbye thing again.

Sandi said...

Aloha TO planet Utah! Oh my, the mental picture of all of your friends coming out to toss plumeria's as you left is just a little too much for me to bear! I hyperventilate every time I have to leave Hawaii, and thats after being there for only a week, I can't imagine the emotion of leaving after 18 years. CRAZY! It is cool to be playing box car children and foraging and such as. Carry on Crash!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

This post made my eyes sweat and that was a good thing because I needed a good cry about situations out of my control.