Monday, August 31, 2009

Life Lesson #1

Today is the first day of the rest of my real life.  

My hub went off to the first day of his new job today and my kids went off to school so I am now officially a SAHM, (that's stay-at-home-mom, for the acronym impaired) which, if you're dyslexic, means I'm a SHAM. 

Either way, I have goals.  On the side.  My first priority, of course, is to be the family transition manager, but when no one is looking I'm going to follow my grail, which means I'm going to be a writer.  

That's right, I said it!!!  I'M GOING TO BE A WRITER!  I've wanted to be a writer since I was nine years old.  

I never wanted to be a teacher.  I only did it because they asked me too and I didn't want to be rude.   

But I'm not going to teach anymore, I'm going to do!   

Unless I can be both a teacher and a writer.  Perhaps instead of being a teacher that writes, I can be a writer that teaches.  

Are you guys ready for your first life lesson? 

LIFE LESSON #1:  How to teach your daughter-in-law patience. 

Step 1:  Take your son, your DIL and their children to The Golden Corral for lunch. Make sure you treat because you will need a captive audience for the entire 98 minutes or so it will take to teach this lesson. 

Step 2:  Eat very very slowly and whatever you do, don't even think about starting dessert until everyone at the table has stuffed themselves silly and are anxious to roll out the door.  

Step 3:  While you're eating slowly, say things like "We have all the time in the world!" If you feel even the slightest resistance from your DIL or her children put on your best drug dealer face and repeat "Are you sure you don't want more stuff?" over and over.  Follow up by saying "I can get you more stuff.  Good stuff.  Free stuff.  And plenty of it." 

Step 4:  When you see everyone's eyes roll into the back of their heads grab your plate and announce that you're ready for dessert.  But wait!  Don't go yet.  First tell everyone a story about bread pudding.  Don't be afraid to make some noise while you're at it--preferably What-About-Bob noise--to illustrate how much you LUB bread pudding. 

Step 5:  Secure your dessert and return to the table.  Make sure there is plenty on your plate--German chocolate cake, peanut butter drops, raisin cookies, swirly ice cream, gum drops, the works--enough to last at least 30 minutes if you savor it.  

Step 6: Savor it.  Each and every bite.  And take lots of breaks in between bites.  The kind of breaks where you put your fork down and talk story.  Tell the story about the missionary who went to Samoa and witnessed all those miracles, only pronounce it maracles.  (Don't lose sight of the big picture here, your objective is to teach your DIL patience.)   

Step 7: Make sure you eat everything on your dessert plate, except one teensy tiny bite of German chocolate cake.  Gently, but firmly put your fork down once again, and heed not the fact that your grandchildren are racing plates across the table and mouthing the words "I have HOMEWORK" behind your back.  This would be a great time to share some family history so your grandchildren feel the importance of being duct taped to you for eternity. 

Step 8: After you eat your final bite, your DIL will rise to leave, but don't let her dictate the agenda.  Remember this is YOUR lunch date.  Stay seated for at least 5 minutes more and pretend you just thought of an important question about your son's high school gym teacher. By this time your DIL will be rocking back and forth on her heels.  Ask her politely if she has to go to the bathroom. 

Step 9:  As soon as you rise to leave your DIL will begin to take baby steps towards the front door.  If SHE is taking baby steps, YOU take premie baby steps--anything to make her look like she's rushing you.  

Step 10:  When you exit the building your son will be beside you because you taught him patience a long time ago, but your daughter-in-law and her children will be waiting for you outside the front door.   You may now begin your first round of goodbye hugs and kisses, taking careful note of who doesn't thank you properly for lunch.  However, before anyone has a chance to depart, quickly begin another conversation. "Oh, do you remember so-and-so?" you could say.  "I met him in Albertson's the other day and he really talked my ear off."  Don't be afraid to recap all the things so-and-so said to you.  By this time you should be ready for round two of hugs and kisses.  

Step 11:  Just as it looks like your daughter-in-law is turning to leave, announce that you have brought them some bean soup you made from the left over reunion ham 5 weeks ago.  If your DIL hesitates say, "are you in a rush, honey?"  If she snaps back, "NO, I'm just BORED! And beans give me gas!"  you know for certain that you still have a lot to teach her about patience.  

(But if it's any consolation, you now have one more thing to complain about behind her back.)


Barbaloot said...

I would almost go back to school if it meant I could take a class from your husband. Cuz I'm pretty sure that would be amazing. Just cuz he's married to you so it's amazing by association, right?

Except I hate school and I'm never going back.

Barbaloot said...

And shut up-I'm totally first!

Stephen said...

You should totally get a new DIL cuz that one is broke.

Melanie J said...

Oh, dear. I think I want to slap your mother-in-law. You know, just to help her go faster. That isn't very nice. I guess I need patience lessons too.

Still...better you than me!

Rachel Sue said...

I think my Father in law has been trying to teach me patience for years. (light bulb just went on, thanks to you!)

GRAMEE said...

i don't have a ocean between my mother in law and i .. only 4 states, but if i had your mother in law i would need a ocean between us.

DeNae said...

On the other hand, you could have my MIL, who is, like, super antsy when she's away from home longer than 12 seconds. So she practically eats standing up. She won't make conversation. She'll give you MAJOR stink-eye if you want dessert. And if you happen to be eating in someone's home, she'll clear your place when you look away. You could have just sat down, but if you turn to make conversation with the person on your left, she'll come up on the right, dump your dinner in the disposal, wash the plate, put it away, whip the table cloth out from under the glasses like a magician, put away the folding chairs, and head out to warm up the car.

And yet, I'd still prefer mine to yours. (Does she still play the cloud game?)

DeNae said...

Oh, and I want to be a writer, too. Take me with you!!

And btw, I'm passing through Provo on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. What are the chances of meeting?

Sandi said...

You will never ever ever beat me in the MIL department. Never. Don't even try. Making you suffer through an eternal lunch at the Golden Corral is NOTHING compared to my MIL cussing at the poor lady who sat in front of us at the Pioneer Day Rodeo and then spitting in her bag just to show her!! YES I said spitting in her bag. So there. I win.
However, you do have my most sincere sympathies.I feel your pain!

T said...

hmmm... and MIL didn't expound on the merits of Beano?? I'm shocked :)

wv says empyglab - which in itself it NOT funny, but when it's late and you misread it as "empty gab" - THEN it's hilarious.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha. T, I read that as empathy glab. Even my verifier has empathy for me.

Sandi, that it hee hee larious. Spitting and cussing. That's awesome. You win.

And DeNae, that is just as hilarious. LUB IT! Everyone has their quirks. That's what life is all about, eh?

It's all good fun to vent.

Do I dare post photographic evidence of the bean soup for Wordless Wednesday?

Or would that be rude?

Barb, what the what, girlfriend?

Sandi said...

Yes yes yes....please post the bean soup! Do you know that my MIL brings little tubs of mayo and lettuce with her all the way from Kansas so she can make sandwiches on her trip and then bring it out for every meal she has at our house so that we can "use it up"?! So I would be loving the pics of your bean soup...I can totally see the joy in that soup.
p.s. Yay for you being a writer!!

Youngblood4ever said...

HOLY crow girl! What in the world did you have to put up with????? Oh, I mean great life lesson. Thanks. I'll print it and put it in a sheet protector in my binder of things-to-help-make-my-kids'-lives-miserable-when-they-get-older. Ya, it's a real binder. Lots of useful stuff like this. Keep it up. I my binder is not full yet.

WV- Dided. Should I be concerned? Should you?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, I forgot to say YES, DeNae let's get together. You can even come to my house. I'll make you lunch (if I have my stuff by then.) or we can meet somewhere. YAY!

And of course YOU are going to be a writer! OF COURSE you are!

Sandi, that is heelarious. Once my MIL told us we really needed to come to her house because she had been saving something for us. Something we had left there when we stayed a long time ago. When we arrived she pulled out a sock. A single sock. An old beat-to-crap sock.

Beat that! I double dog dare you!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Does anyone else want to come to my house for lunch with DeNae? Anyone? Anyone? You guys can jump on my new tramp and ride the my sisters lawn mower.

Martha said...

Guess what? We have Disney channel again.

Well, I warned you about moving back to Utah and having to hang out with all your relatives. But, you guys wouldn't listen. So just live with it!! You did get a free meal at least.

Ok, I'm totally looking for flights. My niece is getting married in Salt Lake on Dec. 12th. Then my nephew is getting married in Las Vegas on the 19th, so we'll fly down there for that one. I'm thinking of taking Rach, Nan and Jim. Josh will have bball, Adam will have work and Per won't come.

What if I don't tell Per and just get him a ticket and drug him before the flight? Ask your hub what drugs are good?

So at tennis today Rach and Nan kept fussing about my new co-coach. I think he's doing fine, but they want your hub. They are missing him too. We have a full team, but it won't be anything compared to last year.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yes, come Martha! That would be great. I'll ask Alan which drugs to use. hee hee

I'm sorry about the new co coach.

The BYU health center told my hub that Doc called and told them to send him back. He will double his salary.

Grrrrrr. I just wanted to poke him in the eye. Not one person tried to stop him before he left and now they're joking around like that. Shame on them!

kasey ferrell said...

haha my mom can beat your stories anyday! she should write a book. maybe you both can write a book together!

Sandi said...

haha Kasey. I knew you would back me up. I think the garbage panties just might meet that double dog dare challenge...what do you think?

val of the south said...

OMGosh - you make me SOOOOOO glad we left my MIL behind in San Diego!! I lived next door to her for 17 years! We came here to get away.

My condolences that you're closer to yours! You have my utmost sympathies!!

val of the south said...

Hey, if I came to lunch, would you promise NOT to serve the bean soup? If you are going to serve it, I'm pretty sure I'm busy that day!

val of the south said...

Oh, and happy second day of your real life!

And you're already a writer silly!! (or maybe a silly writer)

val of the south said...

Will you make musubi? If so, I'm totally there!!

I would love a real, in person lesson! I haven't made mine yet - I just FINALLY found the right kind of rice last week!!! So I'm totally ready!!

Martha said...

I know... why don't you guys just hang out there for a year or so and then plan on coming back. The Health Center will realize what they lost and offer a big raise, your house in 10A will be totally redone, and you will have written your book.

Then come back and bring your tramp with you. We'll finally fence in our back yards like we always talked about and we will get a bigger pool.

Bloggin Betty said...

Oh, I am SO that DIL.

Funny Farmer said...

Hee Hee Hee Hee! I LUB your lesson on patience. How is it that you can write stuff like that without hurting her feelings? Or is that how you teach her to have thick skin?


Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Everyone who has ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond" raise your hand. My daughter swears the writers of that show got all of their Debra/Marie material from us.

My MIL made it known that she bought cemetery plots, yes, I said CEMETERY PLOTS, for her, the FIL, my BIL and my husband. That's it - the 4 of them. If I weren't the DIL from ........., that would have hurt my feelings. But seeing as I AM the DIL from............ it was FUNNY. Anyway, she traded the plots in later on for an above ground "resting place" because, and I quote, "I've had people kicking dirt in my face all my life and I'm tired of it." She even took my own mama by the cemetery to show it to her. And my children.

If I'm lying, I'm dying. Every word of it is the truth.

April said...

ooohhhh!!!! Post the pic of the bean soup! I want to see all the pretty colors of mold it has!!! Bless her heart!

wv says berphona....there's a burp for ya!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Val, I was going to serve the soup. I figure if it's lasted 5 weeks, it can last another week. But if you want musubi I can hunt down some seaweed. I WOULD LOVE to have you over for lunch!

All are welcome.

Martha, I lub that plan. Can you try to stall the workers? If they are coming at 6 a.m. they might be done before next summer.

Funny Farmer, I just cross my heart and hope to die if she ever catches wind of it. I KNOW. I live on the edge. If she finds out, OH WELL. It will be one more thing to talk about behind my back.

Gloria, LOLOLOLOLOL That is the funniest story ever. Seriously! So heelarious. We should write a book of funniest MIL stories.

Okay April, you and Sandi asked for it. I'm going to do a Wordless Wednesday.

Anonymous said...

Before I read everybody else's comments, I just have to tell you that for at least half of this post I was sitting here thinking, "Wait, Crash has a son that's married? To an impatient woman?" (If you see my brain lying around anywhere, let me know because I really miss it.)

Mariko said...

Don't tell me. Golden Corral is a buffet place, isn't IT.


Tiffany said...

This story reminds me of The Karate Kid. Lots of waxing on and stuff. If your MIL makes a Halloween costume for you that looks like a shower, then it will remind me even more of The Karate Kid.

Jami said...

You're stretching the truth again, aren't you? (See I can be taught.)

I have a lovely friend who does this to me every single time we go somewhere. Perhaps it's a side effect of being old.