Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Church Chat

Okay, we talked race, now let's talk religion.   

Last week I was summoned to meet with the bishop directly after sacrament.  Pronto!  My hub had taken the boys camping so I was on my own to brave the appointment.  

When I arrived, the entire bishopric was seated nervously behind the bishop's eight inch binder, directly in front of his 52 inch Family Proclamation.   

"Are you guys going to call me to be the Stake President?" I said, after a few moments of awkward pleasantries. 

"No, we actually want to get to know you better so we can give you the perfect calling.  We were wondering if you and your family would speak in Sacrament meeting in two weeks." 

"That's it?"  I said.  "You raised my heart rate for that?"

In Hawaii, we just check the program to see if we're speaking that day and we like it like that! That way we don't have to go through all the opposition it takes to touch people's hearts.

We haven't delivered our speech yet, but I spent the better part of last week thinking of what I would have to say to get the perfect calling.  

And what is the perfect calling, anyway?  I thought a lot about that too. 

I decided I wanted to be that guy that sits in the big, comfy, ergonomically-correct office chair on the stand.  Do you guys have that guy?  We didn't have that guy in Hawaii, but we have him here in Utah.  When I'm not fantasizing about climbing the rock wall I'm watching that guy.   He sits on the stand and looks out over the crowd.  Then he jots down a few tittles in his notebook. Then he looks at the speaker before he again jots down a few tittles.  

What the helk is he jotting and tittling?  That's what I want to know. 

I am so on to that guy.  I know exactly what he's doing.  He's blogging.  I know THAT look! I know THAT cover!  He's pretending to pay attention, but he's really thinking about his next post.  

At least that's what I'm going to do when I get that calling.   

The best part about that calling is that you get to sit right next to the big black boom box behind the sacrament table.  What do you do with a big black boom box in the chapel?  Just curious?  

I know what I will do when I get that calling.  I will plug in my headphones and while I'm pretending to jot and tittle I will also pretend to be listening to the Mormon Tab.  But really I'll be listening to the Black Eyed Peas and writing my next post.  Just think how good my posts will be with that view!

So what should I say in my talk to get that calling? Should I be straight up or beat around the bush? 

I'm a little worried because what if no one laughs at my jokes.  What if they don't get me? Everyone seems so smart.  I'm thinking of making a sign that says APPLAUSE to cue the audience to the funny parts.  Or at least a sign that says BA DUM BUM! so they know I'm a good side kick.

Actually church on Sunday was kinda weird.   Someone must have ratted out my blog or else you guys must have sent a lot of prayers into the universe that the dummy would get some eye contact in church, cuz there was a whole lotta eye contact going on!   I mean everyone was staring at me.  

What's up with that?  

Do you think it could have been my gold bedazzled blouse?  

Before we left the house my hub said, "Oh my, you look awfully . . . sparkly today.  Have you been watching What Not to Wear?" 

How am I s'pose to take that? 

Another weird thing about church is that Sunday School was normal.  They didn't even play the do do do do Twilight Zone theme song for opening exercises this week!  


And I made three new friends besides Carol Bell in Relief Society. But I accidentally hugged one of them in the hallway.  


The only not-weird thing that happened at church was the choking incident.  That is to say I caught a big ole' kid in the hallway who just so happened to have my son in a headlock.  When I tried to tell him about my strict NO-CHOKING-IN-CHURCH policy, he said, "I was just trying to help him feel the spirit."  

Which, now that I think about it in context, makes perfect not-weird sense.

I am definitely in the right ward because in Utah they divide wards phonetically.  So far I've met a bunch of Katies, Kellys, Keris, Kathryns, Kimbrees, Kims, Connies, Crystals, Carries, and Carols.  

But I'm the only Crash.

P.S.  Raise your hand if you want to meet my one and only bee-U-tiful sister. 

This is Melanie: 

I know what you're thinking.  How does she look like such a super model, plus have all those extra living accommodations for her loved ones?  Am I right?

If her eyes look a little blurry in this shot it's because I asked her to take off her glasses to avoid flash flare. 

Here we are together freezing our booties off at the Welcome-to-the-neighborhood pot luck last night.  (See what I mean about the flash flare?)

And lookie! This is my first Utah friend, Kathryn!  I HAVE A FRIEND, peeps! I have a FRIEND!

(Actually Kathryn is Melanie's  friend, but she let me borrow her to make you think I'm pop-U-lar.)


Melanie J said...

I think if people want their daughters to be beautiful, they should name them Melanie. Just sayin'.

Kristina P. said...

Well, you're all beautiful!

IWA (e - va) said...

Nice Tan!

Good luck with the speaking..... Maybe you should "forget" about the speaking assignemnt and not show up and then see what kind of calling do you'll get then? heehee!

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

So how about maybe your son takes the pillow to help Headlock Boy feel the spirit next week.

And how about maybe is the jot and tittle guy 1st cousin to the one that walks around the chapel during Sacrament Meeting with a pencil and paper in his hand? We don't have a Stand-Sitting Jot and Tittle guy down here, we have a Walk Around With a Pencil and Piece of Paper guy. They tell me he's counting the attendees, but I think what he's really doing is a) seeing which parents are eating the kids' Cheerios they brought for snack or b) who's making jotting and tittling notes for their next blog post or c) he makes up the numbers and just gets up and walks around because it keeps him from falling asleep.

I'm just saying, is all.

P.S. Is it true they have to make up callings like "Song-Book-Hander-Outer" and "Kitchen Coordinator" in Utah so that everybody will have a calling?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

When my husband and I were in a BYU married student ward, he was the ward clerk, and guess what, they let me sit up there with him, so I didn't have to sit alone. True story. Too bad I didn't have a blog to think up posts for back then.

But I did see what I thought was my home teacher sitting there with his arm snugly wrapped around a girl who was not his wife. I was pretty much judgementally horrified. But then later that day he came home teaching and turns out he has an identical twin brother and it was the twin with the other woman, which in fact was his very own wife. The twin had just moved into the ward. Also true story. But kind of akward. So perhaps it is safter for women to sit in the audience, because goodness knows men don't notice such things.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

PS you should go with IWA'a idea and see what you did get.

wesley's mom (sue) said...

Two things-You AND your sister are beautiful. Really.

And B. I'm dying to see that golden blouse.

Katherine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
val of the south said...

Look, you really do have a friend! I'm so proud of you!

Will you do some Footloose dancing with me when we go to the Roller Mills?

I can't wait to see what calling you get...can you have someone video your talk and put it on youtube? I think we'd all enjoy it!!

Chief said...

YEah, the Ward's almost as good as the Sunday School 2nd counselor (my hub's job) he hasn't done anything for 2 years. not one meeting, not one...nothin'.

So my brother is the ward clerk and he actually did the unthinkable and told the bishopric he would absolutely not accept the calling unless he was allowed to sit with his family in the congregation. No boombox, no jotting notes...crazy

val of the south said...

ps - I LOVED Church Chat back in the day - "could it be...SATAN?"

lori said...

I think the reason that you had a bishopric possie there is because you poked the bishop in the eye last time you were in his office, and he needed back up this time.

Martha said...

What are you wearing in these pictures? I can't remember what those are called... Oh yeah JACKETS. I was wondering if your boys wear jeans to school yet. Do they even own any?

Bro. Marler is our walk-around guy. I told Sis. Marler about your blog so she may be checking it out (I'm her VT).

April said...

I would say it would be ok to beat around the long as it is not could singe your eyelashes.

I think that you should be a greeter and give out leis and hugs to everyone. Say "Aloha" to everyone and make them say it back. Bring Hawaii to Utah.

Barbaloot said...

I told my Bishop that I'd be happy to be Elder's Quorum greeter. He didn't take me seriously...

And, ask me if I saw your nephew at a viewing tonight? Yes. Yes I did.
Ask me if I talked to him? Nope.

Jillybean said...

I bet that if you started singing Boom Boom Pow in the middle of your talk, you might avoid getting a calling at all.
I think the guy sitting at the front of church is watching the congregation to see who falls asleep and that's who they ask to speak in church next.

Debbie / Cranberry Fries said...

Can I get some tickets to come see you speak a that church of yours? :)

Congrats on your new friend. I hope you keep a tally sheet cause it's gonna be so full after that speech you gotta give to the congregation.

My perfect calling would be newsletter girl. I can so do that.

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Oh yeah, I offered to be the Nursery Leader in the Singles Branch but for some reason, no one found that amusing.

P.S. to new friend Kathryn - if I ever come to Utah on a Fast Sunday, can I sit with you and your husband? I can roll my eyes while he groans. They keep missing the memo around here about not giving a travelogue. I wish you all could see the video of my grandbaby pretending it was fast Sunday once. She couldn't even talk, but she would "speak" into her "microphone", then get a Kleenex and wipe her eyes, then "speak" some more, then "cry" some more. It was so hilarious.

Funny Farmer said...


great post. I have nothing intelligent to say about it..or unintelligent for that matter. It's too early in the morning to do anything but smile.


p.s. SO glad to see you've finally found a friend. I was beginning to worry. How did you manage it? Did you give her your tweezers? Was that the trick? And here I thought I was the only one you had done that with.

p.p.s. Oh lookie there. I did have something to say after all. Now the only question-- was it intelligent or not?

p.p.p.s. Don't answer that.

I am LoW said...

Are you totally for real about how they do talks in Hawaii? Once, where I lived, they posted a list of who was speaking when for the whole year. Or maybe for 6 months. I forgot about it once and about died when I showed up.

My dream calling? A greeter. (is that the official name? I am thinking not....)

You look like your sister Crash. SO sweet!!!

I am LoW said...

Holey Cow! I just noticed Gloria is here! How long have you been here Gloria?!

Crash- she was once in the branch that I grew up in, that I mentioned, that posted the talks on the cork board in the hall!

Did they do that when you were there Gloria???

springrose said...

Maybe you could have your boys sing "How can I be" by "Nela" Otuafi he live in Utah but he is Polynesian. I'm not sure where exactly, so you know to all of us mainland white people we just say Polynesian. Anyway check it out on youtube. I like the faster paced version rather than his version at the piano. Then at least you could bring Hawaii to Utah in a spiritual way! But then again, maybe you would get the worst calling of all, activities committee!

Heather and Kyle said...

Hey deb..... Love reading your blog every day. About Friday well we are all sick right now. Are you guys going to the family and friends night in Salem on Tuesday? If you are we can talk there? Let me know

DeNae said...

Oh, you had me laughing right out loud on this one, something I haven't done a lot of these last couple of weeks.

No one gets me for, like, a month after I'm called to teach in a new ward. I really need those "APPLAUSE" signs, or maybe one that says, "SHE'S KIDDING, FOLKS. PLEASE DO NOT SEND RUDE E-MAILS CALLING HER TO REPENTANCE"

Tiffany said...

I love melanie, childhood friend of mine. She is still so pretty.

Sarah said...

My husband works on what he calls "the theory of diminished responsibility". This means that if you are asked to do something you dont like doing, you should do so badly at it that you never get asked to do it again. He claims that it works very well for talking in church. Just throw in a couple of snippets of false doctrine, and you will not only not be given a calling, so you can just sit comfortably on the back row of every class, but never be asked to speak again.

JennyMac said...

Fab pics!

Had to stop by from Youngblood's blog.

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Hey LoW!!

Yep, I'm here. Crash, is it okay if we use your blog comments for a meeting place? Then, that way, when we talk about people, they won't know it.

And LoW, I'm thinking maybe the branch did do that when I was there, but that's when my children were really little so I was pretty much in a coma all those years.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness! There are so many things I want to say back to you guys, but I'm toooooo tired. So many chuckles and Amens and high fives! I can't believe LoW and Gloria are friends. In real life. WOW! What a small world.

And no, that's not really how speaking assignments go in Hawaii.

Tune in tomorrow. I have an crazy story, peeps!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crazy!

I am LoW said...

Oh Gloria, I love your idea!!! Let's DO use Crash's comment box as a secret hide out!!!! :-D

I love it!

Do you remember that I got to babysit for you a time or two?? :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, and I can't believe my first Utah friend found my blog. I'm coming out, peeps! It's only a matter of time! ;)

Mariko said...

Wait just one minute.
Not only do you have a bishropic that all meets with one person at a time (instead of multiple overbooked meetings going on in different clandestine areas of the church) you have a guy who tittilates during church?


And there is a lot of perfect hair going on in Utah from what I can see.
That was a totally backhanded compliment if you couldn't tell.
That's the real reason I can't live in Utah, because the secret would be out that I have messy hair no matter what the humidity.

Martha said...

Ever since you left our kids have been falling apart. Everytime something happens we keep saying, "Where the helk is Al when you need him?". I guess we don't know what we got 'til it's gone.

Savanna broke her toe playing soccer and has been limping for a week.

Then of course Adam broke his wrist and Josh sprained his.

Today we were all up Perry's trail on dirt bikes. Adam, Perry, Jim, Elijah and me. Adam was first and way ahead. When we all came upon him he was leaning against a tree, helmet in the bushes and his dirt bike in this huge hole. He couldn't even tell us what had happened. He didn't remember anything. He didn't remember falling or why his dirt bike was in the hole or where he was. We kept quizzing him on what day it was and he was clueless. We asked him what classes he had and he told us his First Term classes, not the Fall ones. He kept asking if he had broken his wrist (today was the first day he'd been dirtbiking since that last accident) he remembered breaking his wrist a month ago.

Someone had dug a pig trap on Perry's trail that was 5 feet deep and 3 feet wide all covered over with sticks, leaves, and dirt. We couldn't believe it. So Perry packed him home and we called Tom for our doctor's advice. then he started coming around and remembering stuff and Scott and Perry gave him a blessing. Anyway, he seems fine now, but it was a little scary for awhile.

Funny Farmer said...

Holy Moly Mariko! I'm glad Adam is ok but DUDE! I hope you reported that trap to some authority. They should close that trail until it's filled in.

:shakes head in shock:

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I agree with Funny Farmer! Martha, do you think someone sabotaged that trail on purpose? I mean who would put a pig trap right on a trail?

Only problem is you can't alert the authorities, being as it's an "underground" trail and all. Keeping it on the down-low since her hub is the trail blazer.

That is really scary!! My twins are anxious to know how exactly Nana broke her toe. They want details. Wyatt almost called her this morning, but I was like "DUDE, its 4:30 a.m."

Mariko, perfect hair is not over rated at all. I so deserve it after having an afro all those years.

And COME ON,Miss Perfect hair herself. And perfect skin. LOOK who's TUALKIN!

SWIRL said...

CRASH! Have you gotten your ensign yet??? cuz I was kinda feeling guilty about not faithfully blogging... but I feel guilty when I'm blogging so I was in turmoil.. and then I read next months ensign and there is like 3 ARTICLES on blogging!

I think I got my answer! I am now on the Lords Erran when I am bloggin and my husband can't say anything about it! :0) Yipee!

SWIRL said...

Oh- and that would be a great talk topic... timely, current and something you are good at!

Jami said...

See! I told you they would lub you. We all do.

You're sis and your new friend and you are all gorgeous!