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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I See Dumb People--(and I don't do wordless Wednesdays)

Something strange is happening to me here in Utah


I don't know why I've been given this special power, but yesterday I was at Macey's when I heard a friendly, almost pleading, voice come over the loud speaker. He was asking the customers to come to the front of the store and get a coupon. Of course, I'm nothing if not obedient so I went to get my coupon. Alls I had to do was buy two boxes of cereal for $1.69 then I could get $2 off a gallon of milk. But a gallon of milk only costs $1.59.

Am I dumb or is Maceys dumb? $1.59 is less than $2.00, right?

The cashier gave me 41 cents for taking a gallon of milk off their hands.

That's dumb, right?


Dumb people see me too. Especially when I'm driving to Salt Lake City. You know dumb people see you when they wave at you. With one finger.

I personally get a little overwhelmed by all the lane choices. I'm just not used to so many choices. I usually try to drive in the lane but not of the lane, but apparently that's not the way they do things in Utah. In Utah you don't ride the fence. You don't blur the lines. You pick a lane and you don't waver from it.

A word of advice: When driving in Utah don't hug the slow lane because #1, my mom will tell you you're driving too slow, and #2, the slow lane is the exit lane. You might accidentally take every exit from Salt Lake City to Lehi.

But then you might get smart and move over to the fast lane.

But then you might get dumb again and miss your own exit.



I see dumb movies too. In fact last night I saw Mama Mia.

Am I dumb or is the rest of the world dumb? How is the name of helk and tamnation did Mama Mia get to be the best selling DVD of all time? Are people using the DVD to run over in their driveway as part of their anger management?

Sorry Sandi, and the rest of the world. I know you all hate me now, but I need to say what I need to say. Mama Mia is THEE dumbest movie (besides Cry Baby) on the face of the earth!

If I were a teenager in Hawaii I would say that movie is irrits! (urban dictionary definition: shortened version of irritation: feelings of irritation,a scratchy annoyance, like mild diarrea.)

If I was a teenager in Utah I would say that movie is LAME SAUCE: (urban dictionary definition: a description of how incredibly hard something sucks.)

The Broadway musical was LAME SAUCE too, but I thought the movie might be better.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a huge ABBA fan. Danced to their albums in my living room over and over as a pre-teen, but I guess I didn't do it enough to think "hmmmm . . . maybe I could string these songs together and create a plotline that sucks so incredibly hard not even David Hasselhoff could save it."

Meryl Streep couldn't even save it! What the what, Meryl? You cannot sing, and you're too classy to act like an ADHD tramp(oline).

Was that rude? 

Bless her heart! I'm just sayin'



I also see rude people.  Especially at my daughter's soccer games. Yesterday, some dude insulted my daughter OUT LOUD after she missed a goal. I was like DUDE, I'm right here! Within ear shot! Don't you have any manners, dude? Don't you know that's the NEW girl.  The girl who just moved 3,000 miles away from her comfort zone, where she was lubbed and respected.  That's right, dude, she's the NEW girl.  The one who just moved here from Hawaii, where people get all up in your grill and talk back when you insult their daughters. They're itchy in Hawaii.  And sometimes itchy with a B.  It's not all aloha and sunshine in Hawaii, dude! If you mess with their Ohana, they speak Kung Fu Panda. 

DUDE, DON'T MESS WITH MY OHANA!


I think I'm going to be itchy with a B in my next life.  



Oh wait, this is my next life.




35 comments:

Barbaloot said...

Did you really say something mean to the soccer guy? I hope so.

Sorry about the driving thing. I hate driving here, too---and I grew up here. Well mostly, I hate driving anyway.

Also, I hate the phrase lame sauce. Seriously-I wanna drop kick people when they say that to me. But you didn't say it to me, so I don't want to drop kick you.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Finally, someone who agrees with me about Mamma Mia!!! Yay!! We are movie soul sistahs!

I finally sat down to watch Mamma Mia the other day because it was on HBO. I could only make it through 30 minutes, then I had to change the channel. It was so DUMB! And I like the music too. How are so many people into it?!

I'm still in denial about you being in Utah. How is that possible?

springrose said...

How do kids even come up with these sayings? I guess it is the same as when I was in school and like was used alot! But how do you get the definintion of all these new words, especially since different areas of the country have different words? Is there realy a dictionary? If so I am going to need one!!
I so agree about Utah driving! I refuse to drive in Utah unless it is in Logan or another small town!! Or out in the boonies with no one else on the road.
I haven't seen Mamma Mia it just looked dumb. Glad I didn't have to pay to have that confirmation!!
I also hope you got in the rude guys face, I mean HELLO, there are such things as manners, or has the rest of the world forgotten that???
Hope you have a great Wednesday!
wv is cruddle, so I guess you could say crud or go cruddle (cuddle)with someone! It's up to you!!

val of the south said...

I saw the Sing-a-long version of Mamma Mia at the $2 theater. I got so caught up in reading the lyrics at the bottom of the screen (because apparently I've been singing the wrong words to most all of their songs)that I forgot to watch the movie...which seems to be a good thing! And we were singing along - so we drowned out their bad singing with ours!! An all around win-win situation!

Don't those soccer parents know who you are? Perhaps you need to bring your posse (us) with you to let them know not to mess with your Ohana!!

ps - I'm itchy with a B most of the time.

DeNae said...

I don't do wordless Wednesday, either. But then, I don't do wordless ANYTHING.

And I am beside myself with disappointment that Utah drivers are waving at you with their not-a-thumbs-up fingers.

And I don't get sports parents at all, but I do understand running over THAT guy with your car as part of anger management.

Leave Pierce Brosnan out of it.

Lara said...

Hopefully, you taught that guy never to mess with your Ohana ever again.

I'm with you on Wordless Wednesday...how can people DO that? There is so much to be said about everything.

Hopefully you'll start seeing smart people soon. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Amber Lynae said...

The only good thing about Mamma Mia is the soundtrack, and if I wanted that I just have to buy some ABBA so yeah.

I'm sorry to hear about mean soccer guy. I hope you gave him a what for.

Sandi said...

OK Miss Itchy with a B--I will concede that Mamma Mia is very lame, but somehow i still find it entertaining. It might be Colin Firth, but I'm not sure. haha.
I hate hate HATE mean sports parents that are rude. I took my FIL to a little league softball game once and he completely insulted every girl out there- including the ones on our team! I have never been so humiliated. Dumb people REALLLLY need to learn to keep their pie holes shut! I'm with Val---he obviously does not know who he's dealing with. I wish you had taken a pic of him and posted it on here and we could have all said really mean, Kung Fu Panda-ish and itchy with a b things about HIM! that would have shown him. Oh, and those Utah drivers are scary aren't they?

Funny Farmer said...

See now, if you had come to live down near me, you would be seeing smart people all the time. Your loss, I guess.

And I saw mamma mia on a girl's night out -- it's a funny movie if you're with two wild and crazy girls and you're the only ones in the theatre and you do cartwheels on a dare and laugh like idiots when Meryl Streep tries to sing.

wv: butur. "But ur an idiot" - what I would have said to the rude soccer dad. Emphasized by a kung fu panda kick.

It's all about context.

The Garden of Egan said...

Wow, I was driving in Utah a couple of months ago and had that same experience with the waving thing. It was pretty amazing, at first I thought it was because they were waving to the Idaho girl and being all friendly and everything and then I realized that it was BECAUSE I was was the Idaho girl. It sorta hurt my feelings.
Also, I agree with DaNae, you should run over that parent with your car as part of your anger management therapy.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

So you are liking Utah then?

Rachel Sue said...

Did that guy know you were itchy with a B by the time the came was over? I hope so. He would deserve it.

Jillybean said...

I think you should be all nice to the dumb soccer dad guy and invite him over to your house for a BBQ.


Then duct tape him to a chair and force him to watch Mama Mia.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee hee

he he he

Mwuaaahaha HA!

That's how it feels to commiserate with my blog friends behind rude people's backs. Who needs anger management when you know you can talk behind people's backs.

What in the world would I do without blog friends? (besides go insane).

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha I like Jilly bean's idea. hee hee

And DeNae's idea. First I would duct tape him to a chair, make him watch Mama Mia, then run them both over in my driveway.

Of course I would bless his heart first. And of course I would say "Not to be rude" before I stepped on the gas!

I am LoW said...

I'm so glad you don't do Wordless Wednesday. Who came up with that lame excuse not to write about something on Wednesday? Hmpf!

Utah drivers are THE WORST. Georgia drivers have issues too. You know what Georgia drivers do?!? When they are making a left turn, and you are in the right lane of that left turn (ya followin?), They come into YOUR lane and give YOU a dirty look as though you are in THEIR space.

But other than that, they are very laid back. You only hear a horn if someone is tootin' a Hi! And never a middle finger.

But lots of rebel flags....

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi Five Alyson!

And Springrose, YES, there is an Urban Dictionary on-line. Those are actual definitions.

Funny Farmer, I think I would have enjoyed Mama Mia more if I was doing cartwheels down the aise with you and Sandi and singing along with Val. Amber Lynae, get the original Abba soundtrack. No one can do ABBA like ABBA.

Sandi, YES sports parents are so darn RUDE (and LOUD). My FIL was the loudest of all. My MIL used to get twitches in her eye during basketball season. And during Tennis season he used to YELL at my hub so much that he was sent to the car. My poor hub. There's no talking in tennis, so my FIL used to honk the horn while my hub played his matches.

Do you see why my hub is so patient?

I think my FIL would have been kung fu panda kicked a lot in Hawaii. I bet he messed with a lot of people's Ohana.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

He made me cry a few times while I was learning to play tennis too.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

LoW, In Hawaii people wave at you with all five fingers. They also stop and wave for you to turn in front of them. And then they smile at you or give you a shaka.

SNIFF!

I miss my peeps in Hawaii!

Where are all my Hawaii peeps? Iwa, Anjeny, Swirl? I miss you guys!

I got flipped off all the time when I lived in New York.

The Wixom Zoo said...

I hate HATE driving in Utah. Don't worry, you'll morph into one of "them" sometime in the next couple of years....muahahahahaha! (that was my evil laugh, btw) ;P

Monica said...

Oh AMEN about Mama Mia! That is two hours of my life I will never get back, they completely ruined Abba music for me forever.

Being a transplant here in Utah myself I am sickened by how competitive EVERYTHING is here. The parents are the worse, totally out of control. I would have loved a front row seat to see you tell the other parent off. Welcome to Utah.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

First of all thank you for saving me from renting Mama Mia. I will just wait until I am with Funny Farmer again so it will be enjoyable. I am such a Colin Firth film, I would probably enjoy watching him read the dictionary.

Second of all, I do feel your pain, but Utah drivers got nothing on Vegas drivers. True story. Every time you take to the roads here, you are taking your life in your hands. It is iffy if you will still be alive.

When we moved here, I was just driving into town and before I knew it a ginormous truck switched to my lane. I swerved out of the way and all of the junk in the back of my car flew all over the place. I don't think my heart beat again for several minutes. That was my welcome to vegas drivers and nothing has changed in 11 years.

And I am so glad you can't be wordless. :)

Sarah said...

I was starting to think I was the only one in the entire state of Utah that thought Mama Mia was worthless. That is 2 hours of my life I will never get back.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Did Sarah and Monica just jinx each other?

Cooool!

And high five!

Martha said...

Quit rubbing it in about the price of milk and cereal in Utah.

Youngblood4ever said...

Way to lay the smack on the jerk who was lame to your daughter.

Oh,and I used to work for Macey's. Ya, they are dumb.

PS- I watch Mama Mia so my daughter will sing to me, which is SO much better than Meryl. Also, If you ever need to feel good about yourself just watch the SOS scene. Remind yourself that you are not so horrible as to think you can sing (hint to Pierce Brosnan). I was totally sad that my favorite actor of all time Colin Firth ended up being the gay guy. WHY? WHY GAD WHY???

Bloggin Betty said...

I see dumb people too! Unfortunately, I see like 3 of them in front of me right now as I teach this computer literacy class...

April said...

Momma mia, what is up with that lame sauce dad dissing your daughter? I would have Kung Fu panda'd him for ya but I was held up by some lady who didn't know which lane to drive. That's so irrits!

Anjeny said...

I was wondering when you'll post about the drivers in Utah, Crash...what took you so long? I think Hawaii drivers and Utah drivers could've passed for twins, not identical twin though...Hawaii drivers killed you with their courtesy driving while Utah drivers pissed the helk out of ya on their rude finger flipping driving...lol.

About the rude dude...I would've totally pretend to stretch my arm and knock him off his seat...how dare he insult your daughter like that. Pls tell me that you did something physical to him and not smile him to death just because you live in Happy Valley.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YAY ANJENY! I'm so happy to see you again that I am jumping up and down and squealing. I have missed you oh so much. Now where the helk is Iwa and Swirl?

Martha, Nani Nani boo boo. I go shopping everyday because everything is so cheap. And hey, I got your message. NO, the magic pants have not arrived yet. I will show you photographic evidence when they do. It was great to hear your voice on the machine.

Bloggin Betty, ha ha I'm flattered that you're reading my blog while your teaching your computer literacy class. I hope you had me on the big screen as an example. I should pay you for that.

April, ha ha ha You kill me. Somehow urban slang works on you.

Youngblood, I didn't even get to the Colin Firth gay guy part, but I'm so not surprised. I thought all three of them looked kinda creepy. Colin needs to stick with Mr. Darcy.

IWA (e - va) said...

Okay.. Im so late in the game but I really have been reading and laughing and enjoying your post!

So I read this one before i went to class this morning and so guess what i did for the rest of the day? Really? and it was actually kind of fun!... I was really courteous to all the drivers here... I didn’t blow my horn or call anyone an idiot! And as I was coming back from getting my slurpee fix, turning in from kam highway I let three cars turn out.. and everyone shaka’d and waved with all five fingers!

Sorry Utah drivers suck.. thats part of the reason we call um Utard's! LOL!

And about that guy yelling at T... I really think you need to be wearing your "Kahuku for life" tshirt to the games... then they know not to mess!

And Macey's and the Coupons...heehee! thats how they get people to stay in Utard... they confuse you with free milk to make you forget about the drviers!

IWA (e - va) said...

PS.. about mamamia... I had done a post about it on my old blog.... and it WASNT very nice... No one commented LOL!

I keep telling everyone... IT's only use is for those (weird)videos you have in the background when you go and sing Karaoke!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

YAY IWA! I was so worried about you. Where have you been. I have missed you sorely! Now I can rest easy tonight.

SIGH! All is right with the world.

(No pressure).

Martha said...

Don't be mad at Swirl. She's just having a busy life. You know Bishop's wife remember? Yeah, remember those days? Well it's her turn. Plus they started hockey and she's a working woman doing her interpreting stuff. She's getting magic pants too.

Jim and Nan are at Camp Timberline. Our house is so quiet with only 4 kids. I'm going up tomorrow. Tell Al it won't be the same without him chaperoning too.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Martha, I would never be mad a Swirl. I know she has a busy life. Have fun at camp Timberline. I will miss you! Hey, you should update your profile pic with your sassy new haircut.