Saturday, September 19, 2009

Close Encounters of the Polynesian Kine

I didn't go to the BYU football game, but I did go to a BYU baseball game.  

Why?  Because my super studmo nephew plays on the team.  

Picture this:  My hub and I are sitting next to my daughter.  Behind us and to the right are sitting my three sons.  In front of us and to the right is sitting a Polynesian.  

That leaves an entire empty row between my three sons and the Polynesian. 

Got it?  

Good, because this post relies on physical comedy.

Since I've been living in Utah I get a little goofy when I see Polynesians.  

Goofy, as in I have an uncontrollable urge to smile and shaka and wrap my skinny white arms around them. 

For some odd reason, they don't seem to feel that same urge when they see me.  

I think it's a case of mistaken identity.  I think they think I'm a Utard. 

At the baseball game I kept smiling and doing the shaka at this Polynesian, and just as I was beginning to think he didn't speak shaka, he stood up.  

Guess what he was wearing?  A Laie Boyz shirt. 

In Laie if I had seen a Polynesian wearing a Laie Boyz shirt I would duck and cover so he couldn't pull a boyz-in-the-hood on me.  But in Utah I poked my daughter and said, "LOOKIE! A Laie boy!  Let's go say ALOHA and tell him we're Laie girlz! Maybe we could do da kine hula for him!"  

My daughter was like "MOM! ARE YOU INSANE?  We are afeared of the Laie Boyz!!!!"

Then she leaned in close and raised her voice to a hoarse whisper, "So help me GAD if you do something stupid . . . "

I am more afeared of my daughter than I am of the Laie boyz so I held my tongue.

A few minutes later my three sons, who, if you remember correctly, were sitting behind us and to the right asked my daughter to toss him a bottle of soda.  

My daughter picked up the bottle of soda and gracefully flung it through the air.  The next part happened in slow motion.   

T h e    s o d a     s a i l e d    s  l    o    w    l     y    t h r o u g h   t h e   a i r   t o w a r d   m y   s o n s.  T h e y   r e a c h e d   o u t . . .

but it just kinda smacked the back of the chair in front of them and ricochetted off in the general direction of the Laie boy'z head.  

Which is to say it bounced.  Twice.  Once off the back of the chair in front of my three sons, and once off the back of the head of the Laie boy.  

Picture this:  My daughter on her hands and knees begging forgiveness from the Laie boy for pelting him in the head with a bottle of soda, (and me in the background doing da kine hula).

Hee hee hee 

I think Murphy was an English major because, not only is he a great lawyer, but he also has a fantastic sense of irony.


Smart Helm said...

You calling Polynesian COWS?!?!?! I think I'd be more worried about that? Glad u made it out alive.

You do know what kine means, right?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Smart Helm, you silly goose. You are way too smart for your own good. hee hee Kine doesn't mean cow in Hawaii. It means KIND.

Chief said...

Haha Kine..cows...kind. Smart Helm is funny

Sandi said...

hahahah this is hilarious! I feel the same way when I see a they should just know that we are bosom buddies..haha.why don't they know that? I am also afeared of the Laie boyz, although I really like their t-shirts and I want one bad.
So you cannot just leave us hanging with visions of you doing da kine hula and your daughter on her knees...what happened?????

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I ran into two people at home depot wearing BYU tshirts and it made my eyes sweat. I know just what you are talking about.

Martha said...

So how can you leave us hanging? Is T still alive or does she have a new boyfriend?

Our 12's tennis team lost 40-11. I've been telling people we are in a rebuilding year. I didn't play Jimmy at all because I'm appealing his denial.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness! YES, my daughter is still alive and honestly I did not do the hula, but I did enjoy watching her groveling for forgiveness over and over until finally the girls next to him said "It's OKAY, you didn't mean to do it." And the Laie boy gave a slight smile and had a twinkle in his eye so I took that as "no worries."

SWIRL said...

I think to help with the mistaken identity -- you guys need to wear your Kahuku Red Raider for LIFE stuff... if you need some-- let me know, we'll hook-you up at Christmas!

April said...

But Swirl....they aren't Red Raiders for Life.... remember? The mean lady made Crash's eyes sweat before she left, when Crash wasn't allowed to have her Raiders for Life kids go visit their Raiders for Life friends and tell them bye!

I did go to the BYU didn't miss anything. I was texting Queen the play by play because her WB is in the hospital and she couldn't make it to the was torture! It would have been more fun to see your daughter throw the soda and you throw your shaka signs! At least some throwing was going on where you were!

BTW.....are you going to any BYU football games???

IWA (e - va) said...

This is Hilarious... Poor T... Swirls right.. give us your sizes... cause you also need some "Made in Laie" shirts too when you visit walmart ... and then some "7th ward fo Life" shirts when you go to your new wards' activities...

Gues what is going on in Provo? I think in about a month?..... A Laie Girlz Reunion... I should get you the details... cause then you could pick up some Laie Girl shirts... Yup.. They really make um... In hot pink too!

Dolly said...

Your words painted a thousand funny pictures in my head.

Or maybe it's my jet lag that is making these funny images of the Laie boy getting smacked with a bottle and Tatum's begging forgiveness and you doing hula and shaka and the famous Debbie smile that puts Julia Roberts to shame.... yeah all of those pictures are spinning around in my head and I just want to go to sleep again soon.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

You are the CRASH Test Dummy family are you not?

So it seems logical you would assault the first Polynesian you see. Totally logical :)

Don said...

When we were in Utah, I always had to look closely at the Polynesians, because about one in ten was someone I knew from Laie. And since I fit right in with the sea of pasty white faces, they never would have notice me otherwise.

One of the things I miss about living in Utah.

Mariko said...

The silliest part is they have probably lived in Utah longer than they've lived in Laie (if they did). There are tons of Utard Polynesians. That's probably why they didn't pick up on your vibe. That's the real test. Instead of a pea under 10 mattresses, we hit you in the head with a soda bottle and if you say "no worries" you're a real Laie Boy.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha Mariko, that would be the ultimate irony, wouldn't it. I think Gad was an English major too. I loved that comment.

Don, who the helk is Don? Do I know you from Laie? Do tell. Carey sounds familiar.

Blogging Mama, I LUB your new profile pic. You are so darn cutey patutey. And I love your logic. ha ha ha

Hi Dolly! How are you? I hope your travels went well and that you're not too homesick.

Iwa and Swirl, GREAT idea! I can't believe I didn't think of that. Is there a place I can buy made in Laie t-shirts? April is right about the Red Raiders for life shirts. LOL! Nothing gets by April and Sandi. Iwa, is there really a Laie Girlz reunion? Who would I have to hit over the head with a soda bottle to get invited? hee hee

April are you SERIOUSLY here in Zion? For how long?

Martha said...

Don is Don Carrey. You know Mary Anne and Kari's bro. The Thee's bought their house right next to Yamagata's. I took Stats. from their dad.

April said...

I will be in Zion for all of the games....what about you? Will you be there wearing a Raider for Life shirt?

I am LoW said...

I wanna know why Laie Boyz shirt wearing dude's are so intimidating???

You are speaking BYU-H. Speak English! :)