Thursday, September 24, 2009

Oh, my PROPHETic soul!

I was born of goodly parents.  And electromagnetic grandparents. 

Thankfully, electromagnetics are genetic because I received my force field at birth. My gigi, on the other hand, had to get struck by lightening three times to receive hers.

Technically she was only struck once, but she conducted electricity via a bolt of lightening twice thereafter.  

In other words, she's an electricity magnet.

But this story isn't about having a gigi who can conduct electricity, it's about the benefits of having a gigi who can conduct electricity. The main benefit being that I inherited the power to see dumb people and the power to attract famous people. 

Just when I was beginning to think I had lost my touch in Utah, I woke up yesterday morning with the sweet sounds of serendipity in my ears. 

Actually I felt like crap, and serendipity was the last thing in my ears.  Alls I could hear was my hub saying, "Don't forget to fill out the record release form and fax them to me and RSVP to the birthday party and pay the twins lunch money and pick up some milk and clean the bathrooms and call on the car insurance. Oh, and don't be late to the funeral!" 

FTR, my hub didn't really say any of those things, but he was thinking them (ESP is another power I inherited) and he thinks really loud thoughts (epecially when I'm trying to pretend I'm asleep while he's ironing his own clothes and making his own lunch for work).  

I forgot all the things my hub ESP'd me to do because I was watching Clean Sweep, but thank goodness I didn't forget the funeral.  

My SIL's FIL passed away last weekend.  

It's funny how things happen sometimes.  If I hadn't forgotten to pay my twins lunch money, I wouldn't have had to rush to their school before the funeral to pay it.  And if I hadn't rushed to their school to pay it, I wouldn't have been late for the funeral.  And if I hadn't been late for the funeral, I wouldn't have received a standing ovation when I walked through the chapel doors during the opening song.

As fate would have it, I was late and when I entered the chapel the whole congregation stood up and turned to look at me.  

Imagine my surprise. My first instinct was to do the shaka, (then I checked to see if my zipper was down or if I had toilet paper hanging from the back of my skirt). 

I turned to see if the casket was coming in behind me.  

But it wasn't the casket.  It was the PROPHET! 

The PROPHET, PEEPS!  Thomas S. Monson was walking behind me!!!!  

Oh, my prophetic soul! 

If you are Catholic, this is like the Pope following you in to mass.  If you are Jewish, it's like the Messiah's secretary showing up at synagogue.   

This is no small matter for a Mormon. 

For over an hour I sat staring at the prophet on the stand.  It was a bit surreal when the speakers bore testimony of him and HOLY COW, there he was!  Right behind them.

And he didn't just sit there behind them.  He arose and he spoke too.  

As the story goes, he was a close friend to my SIL's FIL, and though he's extremely busy, being the prophet and all, and he had already attended three meetings earlier that morning, he always has time for his friends, so his secretary cleared his schedule and his driver put the pedal to the medal, and they all prayed to Gad that he would not be arrested while racing down from Salt Lake to speak at his friend's funeral.  

How poignant is that?  

But just before the prophet arose and spoke my whole body went numb and cold and I began sweating from every pore. I was sweating everywhere except my eyeballs because it suddenly dawned on me that I had forgotten to turn off my cell phone.  It was in my candy-apple-red purse somewhere, which I had also forgotten to clean out, but I had no idea where, which meant that if my cell phone, which is set to level 25 volume so I can hear it anywhere in the house, was to go off during the prophet's discourse, #1. I would not be able to locate it and silence it within a 30 second time frame, and #2. I would be solely responsible for the living prophet's first encounter with the Black Eyed Peas.   

This was not my finest hour.  When the prophet speaks, people listen.  And they listen reverently and quietly.

I felt like one of the five virgins who came to the wedding unprepared to meet Christ.  Except I felt worse because I'm not even a virgin, and it wasn't even a wedding.

I slowly reached under my chair to locate my candy apple red purse.  I then situated it beside me on the pew where I could subtly rummage through all the receipts and lipgloss and wads of cash and packs of Orbit Sweet Mint gum to find my phone.  This took some finger gymnastics. Once my fingers happened upon it, I flipped it open with one hand and gently placed my thumb over the off button.  

The problem I then faced was, do I let the audience hear me turn it off, or do I just sit with my thumb perched on the off button in case someone called?  

I decided on the latter, so there I sat, squirming and sweating, with my hand resting inside my purse in ready position to keep the Black Eyed Peas out of earshot of our beloved Prophet. 

Before long I noticed the people next to me on the pew squirming and sweating too and casting glances at my hand resting in ready position inside my purse.  

OMGOSH!  Apparently I was not avoiding the appearance of evil. They were worried I had a weapon of mass destruction hiding in my candy-apple-red purse! And they actually thought I had my finger on the trigger! 

Suddenly two men-in-black pounced on me and wrestled me to the ground . . .

J/K peeps.  That didn't happen at all.  What really happened was the Prophet arose and spoke and cracked us all up.  He is one funny cowboy.  So while everyone was rolling in the aisles I pressed OFF and no one was the wiser.  


But fo' reals, when the prophet bears testimony of the afterlife, it's a chicken skin experience.  A kodak moment--only more like when you photoshop your kodak moment.  In that kodak moment all the edges blur and the Prophet comes into sharp focus in the center and you could swear he's talking to you through a tunnel of light.  

Unfortunately the only photographic evidence I have is from my new purple diva cell phone. 

I'm such a sucker for free stuff, even if it's diva purple.

But do you have any idea how tacky you feel when you're snapping photographic evidence of the Prophet with a purple diva cell phone?

 Like I said before, it wasn't my finest hour. 

Post Script:  On the drive home my daughter called. "Where have you been?" she said.  "I've been calling and calling. I forgot my soccer uniform."


"I've been listening to a prophet's voice" I said. 

(And yes, I'm SAVED, btw!  I got to shake his hand too!)


Barbaloot said...

That's so amazing you got to see him! I saw on Kim's facebook that he was there. I'm happy for their family that he could attend. And I'm happy for you that your phone didn't go off and you didn't get tackled by security:)

Barbaloot said...

But which BEP song was it? Cuz I bet he'd kinda like "I Got a Feeling."

Shantel said...

I totally blog stalk you. I have been for months. I just have to say - I was REALLY moved by this post. and I did not expect to be - (its not you. I am in a MOOD today)it took me by suprise. It was hilarious - in a ton of ways - but I REALLY felt your testimony of the Prophet. It was powerful. Thank-You.

The Garden of Egan said...

Wow! You are a magnet! I wish I had your luck.
Glad you were able to walk in front of the prophet, you were kinda like the bridesmaid before the bride.............sorta

The Wixom Zoo said...

Oh my gosh, oh my GOSH!!! If I had to go to a funeral, I'd rather have it be one that was as action packed as all that. My only kind of close experience was when Elder Packer came to our stake conference and my family was sitting in the middle row on the third pew. My baby had colic and so I was up and down, up and down and he was staring the whole time. Finally he got up to speak and said something like, "Aren't the little children wonderful? They are our future and we should cherish them." I felt like a schmuck.

On a lighter note - we have the same DIVA phone!!! (Does that mean that I'm pop-U-lar now?)

I am LoW said...

So way very totally awesome!!

Guess what I got to do? I got to serve the Prophet! (and his wife) I mean, he wasn't the Prophet yet, this was about 12 years ago, but he came into the steak house I was waiting tables and my fried sat him in my section knowing it would mean the most to me and he ordered the Senior Citizen steak cooked medium rare, a bottle of A-1 sauce, a baked potato and and salad with French dressing.

Heather and Kyle said...

Deb that is so cool. My mom called me as soon as they left and told me he came. I should of gone. Good thing you did turn your phone off. That totally would of been me.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Waaaaay cool!! ;-)

Katria said...

I had no idea that my phone was Diva purple, but it must be true because you said it, and I have the SAME PHONE as you. Whoa.Except mine is a little more beat-up, but I guess that is probably because it is old.

Sandi said...

I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what the fuss was all about...definitely leaning toward the TP coming out the back of your skirt...I didn't expect the Prophet!! Your magnetic force is crazy powerful! What a good way to spend a few hours and I love knowing that he was cracking everyone up- love him, thanks for sharing :)

Amanda said...

Awww I love President Monson!!! I'm jealous, I know we're not suppose to be that way, but I often find myself that way. You do attract famous people, man!

"#2. I would be solely responsible for the living prophet's first encounter with the Black Eyed Peas." This made me chuckle...I could totally see you sweating it!

And don't you just love Clean Sweep? That Niecy makes me laugh!

kasey ferrell said...

WE have the same phone! twins amazing I guess we are still connected in some way! that is such a funny story and I am pretty sure it would only ever happen to you! I think your life should be a TV show

Anjeny said...

Wowowowow...totally rock big time Dummy!! LOL Although I was actually hoping you would say you have TB sticking to your skirt what with you being a dummy and all but went and attract yourself to the Prophet himself. Some people are just plain lucky.

The first time I met Pres. Monson face to face was a few years back, I think just a couple of years before he became a Prophet. I was working as a tour guide at PCC and we heard quiet whispers about Pres. Monson coming to PCC for dinner at the Embassador Dining.

They had to bring him after all the guests are already out of the restaurant. And my boss was given the assignment to escort him, of all the darn luck, my co-workers did all that work and she was given that honor. So of course, we refuse to go home and miss out on an opportunity to meet this great person. So we conveniently hang around at our little station which was located right near the enterance to PCC and lo and behold, here walked in Pres. Monson, all dressed in white, he was actually white from head to toe. He came in eternally glory self, he was actually glowing, seriously.

And guess what? While my boss was trying her darndest to maneuver him and his entourage out of our way, he looked over and saw us standing there, grinning like idiots at him, (we were still wearing our work uniform with flowers in our hair)he walked over to us and shook our hands and complimented us on how beautiful we all look. Oh I could've swoon.

If I can come and hug you, would that count as hugging the Prophet too? you know since you did get a hug from him?

My hub shook President Hinkley's hands once and the whole while after that I didn't want let go of his hands, thinking wow, I've held the hands of the man who shook the hands of the I crazy or what? LOL

Oh condolences to your SIL and her family. Amazing how a sad moment like that could turn into a totally special moment for you.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

That was an awesome story. Kinda blew my socks off with the suspense and all.

My hair appointment is at 2:30 the monday after conference, so can we meet at Brick Oven at say elevenish? I can't wait.

Martha said...

Wow, that was the longest post ever. I like long ones. Don't ever wash your hand again.

Nan broke her toe just goofing around with Tom and Josh with a soccer ball in between our houses on Sunday. She was barefoot and just kicked somebody's foot.
It's not too bad and should be better in a week or so.

Rowena said her hub got released and that she already told you. I had a meeting with her this morning.

Oh, did you hear about the Hawaii teacher pay cuts? They will take 17 furlough days as their pay cut. That means that every other Friday the kids will not have school. Is that crazy or what? Lots of people are none too pleased. But, our kids are jumping for joy and planning sleepovers and campouts.

Melanie J said...

I think Pres. Monson would also like Boom Boom Pow. What if your phone DID go off and he started singing along?



I only saw stupid Tito Ortiz at the Costco in his Rolls Royce this week. Why would you drive your own Rolls Royce? So weird.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hahahahaha Melanie. I love it when you crack yourself up. The real question is who would drive their own Rolls Royce to Costco? That's like wearing prom dress to a soccer game.

Martha, you HAVE to be KIDDING!!!!! OMGOSH, could Hawaii get anymore days off school? Amazing! It already feels like they were out at least once a week. Do you know here in Utah in October they only get 1 day off. And there were no days in off in September. And November is just Thanksgiving. And Christmas break isn't until the 23rd.

Hamster, I thought of you the whole time I was watching the Prophet. True story. I thought "Aww, shucks. Nutty would love to be here right now." We're on for lunch! YAY!

Anjeny, wow!!!! That was an awesome long post in my comment box. Your story is way better than mine. Honestly, the Prophet didn't even make eye contact with me when he shook my hand. sigh! He doesn't think I'm be-U-tiful! But then I didn't have a flower in my hair.

High Five Kute Kasey and Kute Katria and Kute Wixom Zoo for having the same diva phone as me! Woot Woo! I laughed at you KK for saying my life should be a TV show. ha ha

LoW I am so happy to hear the Prophet likes his steak medium rare! That is a bonding moment for me. ;)

Barb, did you see my baseball playing nephew at the viewing? That's the one you didn't talk to? Did you make eye contact? Does Kim know of your interest or are you keeping it on the down low? He's way cute, huh? He's even cooler than he is cute. WAY COOL!

Egan Garden ha ha ha I lub that joke! hee hee You go, girl!

Shantel, how sweet. Thanks for coming out of the closet!

DeNae said...

Love the story. Love the phone. You might want to put it on the charger, though. You're down to one bar. And if you get translated for hanging with the prophet I'm thinking you'll need, like, a zillion bars cuz there's nothing in the scriptures about the City of Enoch having cell towers.

Jillybean said...

I've lived here my whole life and never had an experience like that. You've been here like 4 weeks?

You really are electromagnetic.

And I love your purple phone. Purple is my favorite color but my phone only came in pink.

April said...

I thought for sure everyone was standing up for you, what, with how pop-U-lar you are in blog land and all!

How exciting you got to escort Pres Monson in! You are always in the middle of it!

I'm going to turn on my BEP! Boom Boom Pow!

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...


I wonder if he knows anybody in NC? I'd go to every funeral around if I thought the prophet would show up. Except I'd be afraid to look him in the eye, because I just know he would be able to look straight into my soul and know all the things I've said about my MIL.

Still, though, how cool that you were able to be there. Somehow I have to fit this story in during Primary singing time on Sunday. You'll be even more famous than you already are.

If you ever get that close to him again, tell him Gloria says hey.

IWA (e - va) said...

So as I started reading, Mad World Adam Lanbert #64 started playing.... It was so funny to be reading what you wrote and listening to adam tell us about all the crazies in the world! I was laughing so much that I just kept repeating the song over and over til i finished reading it! (btw awesome song)

Awww I loved this post! Your Hilarious... and lately all the comments (this and the last couple post) have had me literally cracking up! You have the best readers!

Confession: Im too afraid to shake the Prophets hand and being in the presence of a prophet makes me nervous......Although, I do love to hear him speak and I can literally feel my spirit jumping out of my body when he's around!

Amanda said...

OK, I wanted to hear this BOOM BOOM POW song you kept referring to so I played it on your site.

Oh my non-vrgin ears have become so prudish in their old age!! I could not bring myself to finish listening to it. I pressed mute after 1 minute.

I just listened to Michael Ballam on BYU TV last night telling me how I have to be careful of the music I listen know Michael Ballam, right? He's in a certain movie, playing a certain evil character...

I don't think the BEP are allowed in my listening repertoire. But thanks for giving me the opportunity to hear it :)

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh and I forgot to say how proud I am of you for snapping his picture with your phone. And you are right, I would have loved to be there. Better than women's conference. It couldn't have happened to a nicer dummy.

Martha said...

Are we comparing famous church leader stories?

Perry's family has a million prophet stories. Like when Pres. Kimball spilled milk on his brother Steve in Tonga.

I was in on this one: Thomas S., Dallin H. and Jeffrey H. came in the living room at the PCC house while Perry, me and my friends were watching a BYU game. They wanted an update on the game and came in and sat down and started quizzing us about the game. We just froze and sat up straight and quit cheering because that wouldn't be reverent.

Ok, how about this: Perry's dad was Pres. Hinkely's home teacher and Pres. Faust's too.

And.... Adam got to serve the sacrament to Pres. Hinkley because he was in Perry's dad's ward. Perry's dad was walking to the Conference Center for priesthood meeting just this April in the underground tunnels and Pres. Monson pulls up in a golf cart and says, "Need a ride Jim?" They get to the Conference Center and walk to the stage area where they ask his dad for his ticket and he doesn't have one. They said, "Then how did you get through the back way?" So he told them he hitched a ride with the prophet and security decided he didn't need a ticket.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Martha, your stories beat my stories all to helk!! No question. ha ha

And Amanda, I'm so sorry the Boom Boom Pow tainted your purity. I always say that BEPs are awesome as long as you don't listen to the lyrics or watch the videos. Listen to Where is the Love. It's on my playlist #3 or 4. It's clean. And inspiring.

I think.

I don't know. I didn't know Boom Boom Pow was so dirty so maybe I have my blinders on. When I went out with Val of the South she was like "I didn't know Boom Boom Pow had so many swear words in it." I was like, "It does???"

Iwa, ha ha ha You're so funny. You and Adam Lambert. And I can't believe you don't feel worthy. You silly goose.

Gloria, I really hope you can fit that prophet story into your primary lesson. ha ha I'd love to be famous among the NC children.

DeNae, LOLOLOL about charging my phone. Come here. So I can poke you in the eye.

Barbaloot said...

Crash-yes it was your baseball playing nephew that I saw. And-we got out of our cars at the same time, so I may have mumbles some sort of hello---but that's it. And no, Kim doesn't know such things. The dang girl moved out of my ward so we don't talk as much anymore!! But I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel about red-heads.

IWA (e - va) said...

Uh, Martha is winning every contest.... the most incidents with prophets, the family with the most injuries, I think she even lived in more places then anyone else I know!!!!

I think growing up here and working at PCC had its perks with general authorities and prophets... while i was growing up here I saw way more authorities and prophets then in the 10 years that i lived in Utah....

My most favorite experience.... I drove Sis Hinckley from the CAC to the luncheon at PCC between sessions (on a golf cart).. but we barely made it to lunch because she wanted to go "cruising" so we took a Sunday drive through the villages at PCC and when we got there we found out that they didnt start because they wanted to wait for her to say the blessing on the food, which delayed the next session by 15 minutes.... I never got to drive anyone after that!!!

Tiffany said...

This was great post. I laughed, I cried (ok only one lone tear, but still) You are wonderful. Love your guts.

val of the south said...

You are so fabulous! I love the story and the way you tell it - you truly have a gift my friend!
(both the story telling and the magnetic thing!)

Martha said...

Crash wins the most creative writer contest hands down.

Lately I win the most injuries contest because we have no one anymore to run to next door for help. We only get hurt during non office hours --weekends or after 5 pm you know.

One time I even had Crash evaluate a cut to tell me if it was deep enough for stitches. I think it was Josh that time. Crash also has a lot of experience in that area expecially when one particular twin was about three.

Is Boom Boom Pow dirty? I listened to it and never noticed anything.

Tell the twins that Falcor is cured of heartworms and is all better and can run around again.

Jami said...

Wish I could read everyone's comments, but life's not like that right now.

The prophet? How amazing is that?! I love this post. Humor. Testimony. Sleeping in. ESP. And the PROPHET!

DeNae said...

You are a featured player over at my place today. Thought I'd give you a heads' up!

Debbie / Cranberry Fries said...

You are such a fabulous story teller! I mean I know this is a real story but you just tell it all so well!