Saturday, January 9, 2010

Speaking of weird . . .

You know what else is weird? 


Honest to Pete, I'll never understand teenagers. 

When I dropped my daughter off at the high school today for basketball practice, there were several teenage girls traipsing about in shorts and t-shirts.  Not just any shorts, either--shorty shorts--itty bitty teeny weeny shorty shorts.

Oh my brrrrr, it was 32 degrees, for garsh sakes! 

Some of these girls were jogging, which is dumb enough, but some of them weren't.  In fact one of them was standing by her car wearing stiletto heels. With socks. Almost everything else was bare, except her little bum.  It was an LOL moment.  And believe me, I DID LOL!  Twice. I rolled my window down and LOL'd at the top of my lungs as I drove past the little weirdie with the warm toes.

And then there was a boy walking slowly across the parking lot. Not your typical 50-yard dash to the car. He was more meandering, I would say--almost swaggering--as if he were walking down Santa Monica Boulevard in August. No shirt. No shoes. 

No service, dude. 

(That's what she said.)

But enough about the nearly nudies.  I don't want to talk about nudies today because this post is for the children. One child in particular. My youngest reader, Jimmy, who just so happens to be my x-door neighbor, Martha's son. He's in fifth grade and he's been reading my private diary for his homework.


Not only do I need to be entertaining, I also need to be a good example.  Try that on for size. 

Plus, since it's homework, I should probably teach some sort of lesson, right?  

Okay, this lesson is for you, Jimmy!  

Stay in school!  


And remember who you are and what you stand for--most importantly the National Anthem. Always stand for the National Anthem.  You should also stand whenever the prophet or the Queen enters a room. 

Remember what you sit for too. Always sit for dinner. Never eat while standing, unless you want to give yourself heartburn and a nervous condition. 

Keep the sabbath day holy. Unless you're out of milk or eggs, in which case run to the nearest Walmart, but make sure you do self-checkout so you don't have to make anyone work on Sunday.  

And last, but not least, never wear stilettos with socks!

Okay, there's your lesson for the day, Jimmy!   


(Now, STOP snooping around in my private diary, will ya!)


Migillicutty said...

Private? Exactly HOW many comments do you get EVERY DAY??!!??

There's no such thing as a private diary, anyways, NOT EVEN if you go all stone age and write it by hand (::shudder, shudder::) cuz they'll open after you die. To write some stupid book (I know, I read those stupid books).

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Migillicutty, you silly goose. I read those stupid books too. It's so much more intriguing when you're invading someone's privacy. ;)

You're cute, btw.

April said...

Awww.....nothing like having a cute x door neighbor to keep you on your toes. dummies have toes? Maybe the stiletto girl didn't have toes that's why she was wearing socks! BTW, I'm not snooping. I'm just plain nosy! :)

The Garden of Egan said...

I'm not your ex door neighbor or anything, but I do have homework. Could you help me with it?
It's an assignment due right now...clean toilets and tubs. I know how you lub cleaning tubs and toilets.
I love the teaching moment too. I will only shop on the Sabbath in the self checkout line now. Thanks for clearing up that commandment for me.
You are awesome.

Jami said...

I remember at BYU (a way back when) girls found spots of lawn amidst the melting snow so they could lay out in their inappropriate swim wear. It was 50 degrees and there was sun. Idjits.

For the littlest reader: always wrap your used gum in a wrapper before tossing it in the trash. Also don't peek at your Christmas presents--takes the fun right out the holiday for your parents.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

April, you ARE nosy. But, yes, dummies have toes.

Jami,I remember that too. Even better, once I was in England, in August. It was sunny and I was at Hyde park. All the business men in suits were there too. They were all stripping down to their underwear and laying out during their lunch break.Apparently they don't see the sun very much in England. I am pretty sure the Brits are weirder than us.

Garden, I don't mind helping you clean your bathrooms virtually. It's reality that I can't stomach.

my verifier say nobarli. Maybe that's why I can't stomach reality. I have a strict no barley diet.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

POPULAR was playing whilst I read, was that on purpose? If I follow all your rules will I be popular? Problably not. I will never be popular until I stop all my screaming and stalking, I am pretty sure. But what the what about naked people in Utah? Who knew, not me that's who.

Sandi said...

Nice use of the weirdie word....and the thats what she said line. Good work Crash!
I'm kind of thinking that those half nekked girls have the right idea. If I would have known when I was a teeny bopper what my bod was going to end up looking like, I'm thinking I probably would have been prancing around like that too. KK used to play soccer with a girl who would put her stillettos and lip stick on right after the game and walk off the field like that...haha she cracked me up. I'm glad you laughed at them. I hope you pointed and honked and make a great spectacle, because now that I think about it I'm kind of irritated that they are smart enough to flaunt it while they've got it. Little Brats

The Crash Test Dummy said...


Sandi, I capital LOL'd when I read your comment. It's a good thing I'm home alone for five minutes because It was a definite capital LOL.

UGH. My comment box keeps erasing itself. I'm going to try again.

The Crash Test Dummy said...


Sandi, I capital LOL'd when I read your comment. It's a good thing I'm home alone for five minutes because It was a definite capital LOL.

UGH. My comment box keeps erasing itself. I'm going to try again.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, looks like I already tried again. Now that's weird. Speaking of weird indeed!

Okay, so TOO TRUE Sandi. You don't know how many times I've thought the very same thing. hee hee

Can I confess a secret? Promise not to tell.

When I went through my mid life crisis about 13 years ago, (how many years does that give me left to live?) I got all resentful that and been so modest and prudish all my life. So I had a pretty hot bod (for a 32 B) at the time even though I was preggo with my twins so I went out and bought a freakin' bikini. I would drive down to Lani Kai beach with my little toddlers sporting my bikini because it was far enough away from anyone who knew me. And I would feel all liberated and sexy. But at Lani Kai nobody really wears clothes (at least not the toddlers) so I still felt like an over dressed prude.

I'm glad I did it when I was 29 because I certainly couldn't pull it off now.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I was actually a full B (cuz I was preggos) not a half B like I am now.

Was that TMI?

Amber Lynae said...

I loved Sandi's comment about flaunting when you got it. I wasn't smart enough either.

I'm sorry that I have been intruding on your private diaries, but they are just so much fun that I don't think i can stop. diaries, but

Kritta22 said...

My size is HUGE! Let's just say, I had to buy the biggest size at Wal Mart. Being prego is good for something....I could be a Vicky's model! :)

Kritta22 said...

Oh should we be talking bra sizes with little Jimmy around??!

I guess he won't read it anymore after these comments!

Kritta22 said...

Jimmy- girls are gross until after your mission. Then all the cooties run away from your good deeds, so the girls are safe.

Kritta22 said...

What's his assignment??

Martha said...

Jimmy didn't read the comment box, lucky for you guys. I don't think he knows there is one. He is honored to have a post about him. Thanks for making him feel important.

I can't figure out why those Utah people think it's cool to be cold either. Maybe they are taking advantage of the only time they can be immodest which is playing sports or going to and from playing sports.

Martha said...

Could you also maybe give Jimmy a lesson about doing the rest of his homework and about how he needs to get an education and go to college or he'll wind up working at McDonalds.

Sandi said...

preggo in a bikini- AMAZING! wow I have a whole new respect for you now. Way to be a rebel :)
I hope you can straighten Jimmy out for Martha...don't want him working at Micky-D's for heaven sakes!

LiafromLaie said...

Hmmm... Me thinks the teens in Utah and the teens in Hawaii should switch places. Why? Cause only in Hawaii can it be 80 and you see TONS of Poly kids sportin' a hoodie and baggy jeans. I should know... I was one of those teens :D

And my verification word is "uwshies". Could that mean "you wish" and the Universe screwed up the memo?