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Monday, January 18, 2010

Virtual Reality Bites!

The #1 thing about selling oranges, besides becoming rich and famous, and meeting interesting people, is that when you're in the check-out line at Target, your boys pull out their own wallets and pay for their own new shoes.

And when they say, "Can I buy some Tic Tacs too?" you throw your hands in the air like you just don't care.

For those of you who keep asking why in the world we are selling oranges, at first we thought it was to teach our kids how to work--they were raised in the shadow of the sand and surf and have never been taught that reality bites--but when we came across some academic research by a BYU professor who discovered that citrus smells make you behave more virtuously, we realized that not only are we teaching our children that reality bites, we are also doing our part to make the world a more virtuous place to live.

Even more recently we have realized that selling oranges promotes staying in school like babysitting promotes birth control. Three birds--one stone. 

It's a no-brainer.

So guess what I bought at Target while my boys were buying their very own shoes with their very own money? 

An ocean waves CD.

It's labeled easy listening, but it's actually hard listening (although it probably didn't help that I pumped up the volume full jam then started running for my life because I thought a Tsunami was coming).

An ocean waves CD is especially hard listening if you just spent the better part of 13 years living a few blocks from temple beach on the pristine North Shore of Oahu, but are now looking through your open blinds at London fog. 

London fog is so much more romantic when you're actually in London, btw.

I actually caught myself quoting Shakespeare: The time is out of joint--oh, cursed spite.

But the space was out of joint too--the waves jolted me back in time, but not in space.

Worst of all, the waves were out of joint. These were NOT North Shore waves. North Shore waves are accompanied by coo-ing doves, rascally trade winds and flirty palm trees.  And the reassuring sound of my x-door neighbor, Martha, yelling at her kids.

(Speaking of which, last week I yelled at my kids and NO JOKE guess what popped into my head? I hope Martha didn't hear that.)

Here's the kicker! These CD waves were accompanied by seagulls.

UHEM! THERE ARE NO SEAGULLS IN HAWAII!

It all goes to show that just virtual reality bites too. I might as well have been stretched out in a tanning bed staring at beachy wall paper. 

When my twins came up for breakfast I asked them if they noticed anything different. 

They shook their heads. Then about 10 minutes later one of them said, "what is that noise?"

"It's ocean waves," I said.

"Oh," he said. "I thought it was traffic."

Hmph. 

Maybe they've been selling oranges for too long.

19 comments:

Amanda said...

I was about to ask, "Why are they selling oranges, anyway? Did I miss that thread?" And then you answered me. I'm glad you're so in tune to my mental needs :)

DeNae said...

When we moved from the Caribbean to Vegas, friends gave us one of those CDs. This one had the chirping of the coquis (frogs). I could only take five minutes before the irony of hearing that distinctly island sound in hell's south forty had me wishing I was a drinker. I guess context is everything.

Migillicutty said...

K, so where do you get fresh California oranges in Utah in the middle of winter?

Momza said...

HA! I have THAT CD...I use it with my doula clients to help them relax thru contractions waves. No kidding! And it is relaxing...but don't listen to it while you're driving. That would be contraindicated.

Jami said...

Poor Crash, missing her lovely Hawaii. Nothing to fix that but a vacation. Maybe a lovingly made CD of your old beach noises to take home.
Hugs.

IWA (e - va) said...

If this makes you feel any better... My 4th grader just finished her science project that consisted of traveling to 60 beaches around hawaii and collecting water samples, then testing the bacteria content in the water and guess what? Hawaii beaches are filled with filthy gross rapidly growing bacteria (especially the north shore)!

Because of our lovely furlough fridays and our 4 day weekends (whoo hoo best part aout being a teacher!), we actually spent both friday and saturday at the beach, but not in the ocean, we're all paranoid now!

So sorry about the sucky virtual ocean sounds.. but at least you wont get some infectious desease or grow an extra toe! haha!

Okay i lied... we did swim! and enjoyed every minute of our infectious dip!

Turn your thermastat to 95 and get the pachabel cannon relaxation cd..it has lots of crashing waves and i swear when you listen to it.. you'll feel like you're at hukilau!

The Garden of Egan said...

I'm glad to know I never need to go to Hawaii. All I need to do is go stand on Main street in the blowing snow and cold and listen to the traffic and I'll think I'm there.
My hubby will be so glad to know that he just saved a ton of money with Gieco....I mean Crash.

Sandi said...

I am missing the land of Aloha as well. I need to go back. Lets plan a trip! Surely Miss Martha will let us stay at her place? We could go take a dip in the disgusting infested waters of the North Shore and maybe even grow an extra toe. Then we could make our own recording of the lovely winter waves and flirty palm trees. We could hit Lei Lei's and Teds and Matsumotos and the shrimp truck. Yep. I'm ready. (somehow with me, it's all about the food.)
p.s. isn't it the best thing ever when those kids can buy their own stuff? love it when that happens!

Amber Lynae said...

Traffic??? That is great. Somehow I don't get the same relaxing mood from being in traffic that I get from the beach.

Martha said...

Saturday the kids were playing video games all morning so I told them we are going to the beach.

We got all ready to go, but I forgot that Adam took the van to Chinaman's Hat with the kayaks and all his chickybabe friends, and Perry took Adam's car (he's limping because of a dirt bike incident ((once again where's Al when we need him)). Anyway, Swirl drives up and I said, "Let's go to the beach" So we did and it was fun, but we missed you guys.

Martha said...

You need to get a sound machine to put on your nightstand. We got two at the Walmart in Orem for 75% off. It has really cool ocean wave sounds on it. I actually like the brook and rain sounds better, but the ocean ones are good too. We've had it on every night since we got it.

Oh yeah, no word on the house yet. Maybe tomorrow. I guess HRI has the first right of refusal for any home sold in Laie and that's freaking the bank out.

But if you and Sandi want to stay with us of course you can. Even if we are still in the townhouses.

So Rachel is cleaning Jan C.'s house once a week and earning money. Jan said she's doing a great job, which really surprised me because around here ---well not so good.

Martha said...

I think I did hear you yell at your kids last week!! I do miss hearing your kids laugh because the new neighbors don't yell or laugh. It's good to have a little of both.

Sandi said...

LOL @ Chickybabes!
OK we've got it in writing, we can stay at Martha's!! woohoo!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Guess what is playing on the playlist? For Good from Wicked. Love that song and so appropriate for all us here. Do you every feel like we are on an episode of Laugh in? We each pop out of our own windows and tell our own special joke. Love it.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Laugh in! LOL that is a perfect analogy, Pat. I lub that song too.

Martha you need more cars. And some antibiotics for all that bacteria you're swimming in. (I guess you do need Alan.) Someone should make anti-bacterial swimwear. If those pristine, bacterial-infested beaches were on the mainland someone would be selling those anti-bacterial wetsuits, believe you me.Very cool that Rach is cleaning houses. Now she can pay for a phone. ;) Can't wait to hear if you get the house. FIngers crossed!

Sandi, can't wait for our food tour through the islands. Especially Lei Lei's. Oh, how I miss their burgers. I even miss eating them while listening to gross surgical stories. We better add L & L to the list. And Jamba Juice. I haven't had a peenya kolawda since I moved to Utah.

Iwa, ftr, you have no idea how much better I feel that you are all swimming in those shark invested, bacterial infested waters. Haha Did I just type shark invested? That was a typo, but I kinda like it.

Jami, that is such a good idea. I thought of it many times before I left and never did do it. It felt like we left so fast I didn't get to finish up anything.

haha DeNae. And Amen. I always say context is everything. High five, soul sistah. Momza, I must be a wave snob because those waves would not relax me during contractions. I would be drop kicking that boom box.

Now guess what's playing on my playlist. Jack Johnson. Now HE relaxes me.

I wonder if he misses me yet. Do you think he noticed that I'm not at the soccer games anymore? Do you think he ever asks his niece, "Hey, where's that girl on your team that looks just like her mom? You know that one that I always hug and kiss on the cheek whenever I see her? I haven't seen her for a while. I miss those dummies."

Martha? Iwa? Dolly? Can you girls look into that for me?

MAHALO!

April said...

I think I need a trip!

IWA (e - va) said...

I saw Jack this past Friday... My IL were in town and we ate lunch at Laie Chop Suey and he walked past us to Pizza Hut, and i said to my inlaws with no excitement, "hey there's jack johnson..." (they're from utah) and they got all giddy and stuck their noses to the window like he is some mystical creature. I then told them, "In hawaii, we pretend we are all equal and we dont stare, we just give head nods and smile!" they thought it was a ridiculous tradition and they ran outside to get an autograph! I sat in LCS and pretended not to be related!

The next time i see him, I'll mention you and give him a big hug and kiss for you! and then tell um that you think of him often!

Martha said...

Since T isn't on the soccer team anymore I haven't really been following it too much. But I can ask Kayley A. if JJ misses you.

Martha said...

Sandi, ChickyBabes is my hubs new word for any girls my son might hang out with. The boy never even talked to a girl in high school and now he has a million and a half after him now that he's at BYUH.