Wednesday, November 25, 2009

My Secret Life

In Utah everyone has a secret life.  

We have to.  To get through the winter.  (And all the ward counsel meetings and the BYCs, and the PECs and the PPIs.) 

(Was that TMI?) 

We have secret santas and secret grandmas and secret sisters, and I'm even thinking of taking up the secret life of bees.  My real name means honeybee anyway, so it might be a good winter to get in touch with that side of myself. 

But first I have another secret life to confess. The life of pie. 

Father forgive me. Today I went to Macey's and I fell into temptation. I was walking down the frozen food aisle minding my own business when SUDDENLY I noticed the Sara Lee apple pies on sale for $3 each.   

I'm sorry, but with thanksgiving upon us I've been feeling the Betty Crocker blues so, YES, I took the easy way out--the shortcut--the quick fix. I took the road most travelled. And honestly, I think it might make all the difference. To my sanity. 

I bought four apple pies. 

I mean, I bought eight apple pies. 

(And three pumpkin pies, because yesterday a little neighborhood girl knocked on my door and asked me why I still had pumpkins on my front porch. How cute is that? (The little brat!) So I made my front porch more relevant by replacing the pumpkins with pumpkin pies.) 

But seriously, peeps! Can you blame me for buying the pies? Huh? Huh? Huh? I can't even make a pie for $3.  And let's not even talk about how many hours it takes to travel the road less traveled from scratch.  Not to mention the mess I make when I travel that road from scratch. 

PLUS, I've got a lot of pie holes to fill. If I had a dime for every family member who expects me to feed their face for Thanksgiving I'd be like four dollars richer. 

So why do I feel so dirty?  

Why do I feel so unindustrious . . . and unamerican . . . and unattractive?

(I bet honeybees make their pies from scratch, huh? And I bet they don't put on five lbs. in the process.)

Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  

P.S. I guess you heard that Utah has the #1 soccer team EVER, huh?   

And I guess you also heard that Utah has the #1 ballroom dancer EVER. Looks like all that smiling worked in Donny's favor.  Well, that and all of his kids holding every Walmart in Utah at gunpoint until they texted their vote for Donny.  

But shhhhh, that's a secret, so keep that on the down low.  

And did anyone hear Marie say, "Bless his heart" during her interview after the show? 

I did too!

LOL, Marie!  Your secret's out.  

But it's safe with us. (Mwuahahaha)


The Garden of Egan said...

Crash, you and the family enjoy those "dirty" pies! You coulda been a lucky peeps like me and asked yo mama to bake pies. It was her assignment.
Did you pass out assignments?
They do that in Ward Council meetings ya know.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Egan, you are my 40,000th hit! You are the big winner! Can you hear the sirens going off right now? I'm going to bake you 40,000 pies! Or maybe I'll just buy them. But then that would cost me $120,000. It would be cheaper to give you a cash prize--say $40,000.

I better get a job.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

hee hee hee

Oops. I mean you're my 39,100th hit. I will bake you 39,100 pies.

Because that's what dummies do after they do their math.



aloha . . .

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I feel like Grover right now.

Anjeny said...

You mean to tell me that pies can be made by anyone ole housewife's hands? Dang, that would explain why I keep thinking my wand is broken cuz every time I wave it around for a pie, nothing pops up..LOL.

All that baking you're doing is making me wanna move in with you Utards...ahahah. Oh yeah, can you pass some of those pies over, my son didn't win me any pie today after I instructed him carefully to make sure he comes in third or second...he chose to come in fifth or sixth..I lost count of the place after the third, so un-mommyish of me, don't you think?

Jami said...

I'm thinking about going back and buying the cheap pies and letting the ingredients for the real thing gather dust in my pantry.

You have influenced me, little one. That and the baby just smashed half of my rolls that were just ready to go into the oven. I'm a little done with the from scratch thing at the moment!

April said...

It doesn't work on everyone Anjeny...I'm still waiting........bless my heart.

Happy Thanksgiving Crash.

Boy did I miss out on the Turkey Bowl yesterday. I was with my young women. We were making spaghetti dinners for people in our ward....and then we had left over spaghetti...and what do you do with left over spaghetti you ask? Well, three people had to clean off their cars this morning....or so I heard.

Martha said...

So get this, I invite Dolly over for Thanksgiving and yesterday Perry decides it's time to start the living room floors, and he takes a knife and cuts the carpet up and rips it out. Today we ripped out the dining room. (I'm pretending they are separate rooms so my house will appear bigger for your readers. Only me, you, and Swirl know how huge they are).

So I had to tell Dolly we may be eating outside or at her house. She was ok with that since she is the master of renovation projects.

I haven't started anything food wise because I had to spend hours scraping off the glue residue from the carpet. You should have seen all the dirt under there..Gross.

Does this mean you won't be bringing your famous pumpkin pie over to us? I'm not doing pies either, but I'm not much of a pie girl. And you know, you've always made pie in the past so you don't have to this year because we won't reap the benefits.

Dolly said she'd get some Ted Bakery ones. I'm thinking the Macy pies can't compete with Ted's. Nany nany boo boo.

Debbie / Cranberry Fries said...

Oh Crash I've missed your wit and humor. You're always making me laugh. I'm glad you got a pie for $3. I made a cheesecake tonight but I'm planning on having a little pumpkin tomorrow too. :) Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

IWA (e - va) said...

Haha April... I Love that! (They are so my kind of peeps! LOL!)

$3???.... Thats insane! On black friday, do they go for 1/2 price! Good on you for taking advantage of it! (I would of bought like 50... stored them away.. and given everyone a freshly baked pie for x-mas... then they would of loved you even more! ... actually its utah so they would probably give you a second calling as enrichment leader!)

PS.. My cousin actually held Walmart up by Gunpoint... in Utah... Doubt that it was to get votes for Donny.... but he's in prison now, Bless his heart! LOL!

Happy Thanxgivin'!

Anonymous said...

There is no shame in buying pies from the stores. And btw, I love, love the book "Life of Pi". I'm making my hub read it with me right now.

The Garden of Egan said...

Crash!!!!!!!!!!!! Are ya kidding me? 40,000 hits?????????????

Wow, I have had 9,957 and was feeling proud of that! I'm not sure my blog can go out in public with stats like that!

Just so ya know, I love reading you. You are soooo off the wallllll. That's kinda a language I get.

Hope your Thanksgiving is a good one.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I read this post and laughed this morning, but it was on my phone which will not let me comment for some dumb reason. And look only six hours later I am getting a turn on the computer.

April who has a spagetti dinner the week of thanksgiving? What the what, but way to make lemonade out of lemons, or spagetti as the case may be.

Crash store bought pies are the best, if you do a cost vs benefit analysis worksheet, the numbers don't lie. And Marie Calendars makes a frozen Razzleberry pie that is to die for and will help you gain way more than five pounds.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Hope you are all wearing you eating pants. Just sayin.

April said...

NHC...silly goose, it was the day before Thanksgiving Dinner! The peeps eat food that day too! Or maybe in Nevada they do things differently? hehehehe! After all you are a Nutty Hamster Chick!

T said...

you're allowed to eat cheater pies once in awhile - bless your heart.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm with Nutty Hamster Chick. I think it's weird that April and the young women are making spagetti before thanksgiving. Who does that? But not so weird that you threw the leftovers at cars. You can tell if the noodles are done that way. And sometimes, if you're lucky, they land in ancient Chinese secret characters and you can get messages from the universe.

I WISH I was one of your YW, April.

Iwa, that is such a good idea. About the pies for Christmas. MAN, I wish I woulda thoughta that. I hope they do have them half price tomorrow.

Nutty, I didn't even do a cost analysis sheet. I just put on my thinking cap. Mostly because I don't know how to do a cost analysis sheet.

YAY! Mary, so glad someone got my Life of Pi reference. AWESOME!

Debbie, I HAVE MISSED YOU TOO. And cranberry/fries sound kinda good right now!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Martha, DO tell all about your day with Dolly. Is your floor done yet? I hope you take some photographic evidence and post it on your blog. You know I would do the same for you. What color are your walls now? Do they look like swimming pools? How was Swirl's first Thanksgiving as a bishop's wife? Yes, Ted's Bakery Pie's kick Macey's okole, but I wish I could have brought you some pumpkin this year. For your kid's sake. I made my crust from scratch. That's how guilty I felt.

Jami, I am storing my ingredients for next year. Too bad apples don't keep too well though.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

T, thank you for blessing my heart. Especially on Thanksgiving when I'm thankful for all the blessings I can get.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I hope ya'll had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I did too!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

april, I know that people eat the day before thanksgiving, it is just that spagetti dinners tend to be a tad bit stressful and exhausting affairs. And well there was already an exhausting and stressful thing on the calendar this week, so I am just wondering who would choose of their own free will to pile on the stress. That's all I was thinkin. Maybe it was brilliant and people were glad to get out of making dinner one night this week.

Jillybean said...

When I heard Marie bless Donny's heart, I immediately thought of you, then I laughed so hard that my family looked at me strangely.

I think that $3 pies are just one more thing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving, however, for $6 at Costco, you can get a pumpkin pie that's bigger than your head and it comes in a nifty plastic container so you can stack them in the back of your car.

I might have bought two of them yesterday.

And at our house, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving is lovingly referred to as "Home teacher pie day" because our home teachers always bring us a freshly baked pecan pie.

Dolly said...

I have the photographic evidence of our Thanksgiving at Martha's. It will probably live in archive perpetuity with all of the other photographic evidence of my life (and anyone else who happens to get caught in it).

So just take my black and white words for evidence... the floor is looking great and really makes the swimming pool walls look uber cool.

Nice contrast of color!

The pies however were not all they were meant to be. The banana cream from Ted's was FROZEN. Martha had to carve it with a butcher knife. You should have seen her cheat carving the turkey with her electric carving knife. I guess it was appropriate to have a power tool in use since it was a construction zone Thanksgiving. It really made me feel at home! The only other place I would have felt at home is if someone who is in the middle of moving had invited us to their house.

Keli'i and Megan said...

Hawaii doesn't have anything that cheap...but you already know that. Pies are on sale for a whopping $25. Each.

Keli'i and Megan said...

And that's half-off.

Kritta22 said...

I bought frozen pies this year too! It's a love-hate relationship.
I love that I didn't have make all those pies! I hate that I felt guilty about it.
And guess what? My family and friends didn't even eat the pies until the leftovers, the next day. So now I'm glad they got store bought pies!

Melanie J said...

I like Donny all right but Marie scares me a little bit. Maybe I should spend my day figuring out why. Maybe it's because . . . she looks like those creepy glassy-eyed dolls she sells? I don't know.