Sunday, November 8, 2009


That's right, peeps.  I said, OMG!  And that's because OMGOSH just doesn't cut it today. 

Are you sitting down? 

Well, then maybe I better sit down too.

I am not the new RSP.  Or the new RSV.  Or even the new RSVP.

And I'm not the new PP.   

I'm the new . . . YWP. 

For those of you who don't speak Mormon acronym, that P stands for Prez. 

Insert Home Alone scream here: 

Or insert Edvard Munch's Scream:

Or just go ahead and insert both screams for alls I care:

This is exactly what I looked like when the Bishop called me into his office a few weeks ago and told me that the Activities Committee was not my perfect calling after all. 

Get this!  He actually handed me a chocolate covered macadamia nut when he retracted my calling and told me I was needed elsewhere.

I kid not.

What happened after that was all a blur.  I vaguely remember those three little words falling from the Bishop's mouth in slow motion. 

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyoung . . . . Wwwwwwwwomen . . . . Prrrrrrrressssssidenttttttt. 

The next thing I knew his first counselor was giving me the heimlich.  

"Are you insane?" I cried after the mac nut had been dislodged from my throat. "Has all that spandex cut off the circulation to your brain???? We don't even live here yet!"

"We're playing the odds," he said with a smile.

We then spent 45 minutes doing rock/paper/scissors, and arm wrestling and declaring thumb wars, but the universe was clearly on his side.  

So I told him the truth. "I didn't come all the way to Utah just to fall in lub with a bunch of teenage girls. Those girls are just going to try to crack open my stone cold heart. And when they do they'll let themselves in and make themselves comfortable. That's how teenage girls work!" 

He handed me another chocolate covered macadamia nut and told me to sleep on it. 

"I'll call you during your Sunday nap for an answer," he said. 

But I couldn't sleep on it--you all know that. Instead I tossed and turned and thought about grown up things like houses and schools and coaches and wards--not that I don't lub this ward--who wouldn't lub a ward where their home teacher does Chris Farley motivational speeches better than Chris Farley himself--but there are so many variables in my uncertain future and how can I make grown up decisions if I'm busy falling in lub with a bunch of teenage girls? Huh? Huh? Huh?

You get me?

(Plus, what about my dream? My grail? I've been trying so hard to make sure all my fam is warm and comfy so I can head on over the rainbow to find it.) 

(Just sayin') 

But these bridge-over-troubled-water-thoughts are sooooo last week. Just catching you up to speed.

Plus there's a lesson here: Sometimes a little tossing and turning ain't half bad for you.

Truth be told, while I was tossing and turning the thought did cross my mind that maybe it was time to give up blogging and pick up a more edgy addiction for the winter. But I couldn't even decide between depression or porn or prescription meds. That's how bad it had gotten! 

So I got up and slipped on my pink microfiber robe and my fuzzy sweater slippers and opened my blog to break the news that I was going to have to grow up and become a real boy and that I was going to have my shadow reattached that very next morning.  But when I opened my comment box, April was there and she was teasing me about becoming more Utarded with every holiday. At 2:30 a.m. that seemed like the funniest thing I'd ever heard and I couldn't stop LOL'ing out loud.

Then a blog post hit me. (And believe me I WILL hit it back next week, so stay tuned for my definition of utarded vs. mormonic vs. oxymormonic!)

For some odd reason that commet was a little life raft for me. And it's been uphill (both ways) ever since. 

You know how I hate to get verclempt, but I'm fanning my eyeballs right now because so many of you have unknowingly sent me little life rafts in my comment box since that day. 

MAHALO! I needed that. 

I now see, (thanks to my friends and a little Erma Bombeck and Akela winning the spelling bee and Hugh Jackman singing me to him from Australia) that with Gad, nothing is impossible.  

And that you can take the dummy out of Neverland, but you can't take Neverland out of the dummy. 


So bring it on, girlz!!!!!! There's plenty of stone-cold-heart to go around round here.


Annette Lyon said...

Um, yeah. RIP.

Or something like that.

My condolences!

MaeRae said...

CONGRATULATIONS? I have been reading you since before you left teh beloved Hawaii and I believe that He has seen this for you. You will be great.

val of the south said...

Those are some darn lucky girls! Congrats...I think!

I don't care if it's the middle of the night, or the day or middle of winter - you may NOT give up blogging - so there! You've been my bright spot on some pretty sucky days...

Anonymous said...

Woohoo! Congrats!??! You'll do great I'm sure. Those young women just need a little Hawaiian to loosen them up.

kasey ferrell said...

oh lucky you.....haha My mom just got called to be the YW secretary! i know you will be great and the girls will love you!

Lisa said...

Congrats! I don't know you personally but I think your blog is full of fun and laughs and I'm sure that those girls are going to count themselves among the luckiest girls in the world to have you as their Prez!

Tiffany said...

Lucky girls, indeed! And prescription drug abuse will always be there for you, should you decide you need it.

P.S. I've been dying to know if you've secured your own giant refill mug yet, now that you are a Utahn again?

Amanda said...

WOW! My initial response it to say, "I'm so sorry." But I can't say that as I know you're going to do an awesome job and those girls will be so lucky to have an 'outsider' showing them the ropes and they will in turn show you how to truly be a Utard.

And I have to agree, Erma makes everything better and could inspire a brick wall to crack a smile.

IWA (e - va) said...

Hah! I knew it! I was even going to call it in the last Blog Entry but...

First The thought to stop blogging...yeah, That's just craziness!

and 2nd The YW program in Utah so different from here in hawaii... Yes, we worship the same and say the same theme.. but everything else, is really different and When i was in YW here, I really missed my YW in Utah! and the things you can do in utah with youth are really different then the things you can do here! really... their girls camp is a real rough out camp (I loved it!).. no beach, no cricket field.. real camping! Ice cold showers, sleeping on the hard cold ground with your YW steal your bra's to hang up the flag pole! You're going to love it!

I was going to say Aww.. Poor Thing.. But really When i think about Utah, YW is the one thing that makes me miss it! really! So Enjoy Enjoy Enjoy it and Im really excited for you! The girls are going to change you more then you ever thought! Good Luck!

Gloria (The Mamafamilias) said...

Yowzers! Those lucky Young Women.

(Undoubtedly, you have been living so right, because it was YW President and not VT Coordinator.)

YW is great. Congratulations! (Do y'all have Wendy's out there? 'Cause if so, you deserve a Frosty)

(Can blogging count as a Value Experience for Good Works?)

Lara said...

I am pretty sure you'll be the best YWP EVER!

I am the YW Organization in my branch. Just me. And my one active Mia Maid and a few inactive girls that I've never met. I'm actually very jealous of you.

The Wixom Zoo said...

Yay! I love being in the YWP! It's the best dang calling I've ever had! Good luck - those girls will have your stone cold heart ready for a sleepover in no time flat.

W.V. is beholo - is that like Mahalo?

Jillybean said...

I've noticed that only the most coolest, awesomest ladies are always the ones to be called to be YWP.

Those are some lucky YW!

Unless, of course that this means that you will stop blogging, and in that case, I think you need to call the Bishop and wake him up from HIS Sunday afternoon nap.

WV pinupedi-
A pedicure involving some form of acupuncture.

Anjeny said...

WoooHooo...Young Women rocks!! Add the dummy to that and it's a full blast volcanic eruption coolness!! I am soooo happy for you, I don't care if you are shaking your head and screaming like KEVIN in Home alone, I am beyond myself in happiness for your new calling.

I will echo everyone and say that you are going to make one darn wonderful YWP and those girls are totally lucky to have you. You can loosen them up while they melt your heart.

And whatever you do, DO NOT STOP, I repeat, DO NOT STOP BLOGGING!! There will really be a riot on your hands if you so much as think about not blogging anymore. How's that for a demand?

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

None of them read your blog right, so think of the material. Ooodles and oodles of stuff to write about I bet. You could change names to protect the innocent. Perhaps.

Best of luck, but it is a very very busy calling and you are right to worry about it cutting into your life, but you will lub lub lub it, without a doubt.

Funny thing about life and its little practical jokes. Just when you think you know where you are going, the rug gets pulled out. It a roller coaster for sure, so I think it is highly appropriate that you scream like Kevin.

Dolly said...

I need someone to crack this code: I was dreaming about your blog last night. All I remember was that I was able to hear the music again. The filters in the internet here in Saudi don't let me hear your playlist and I must read the dummy diary in total silence. So in my dream I could hear the music..... and I was thinking how great that was that I could hear the music again. Then I heard someone calling my name and I woke up and it was no one. Then it happened again two more times.

Now I read that you were thinking of giving up the blog.... What the helk is happening in the Universe?

Jami said...

OH MY HECK! Congratulations, you poor thing! Wow.

"Hello, nice to meet you. The Lord wants you to be our YWP."


You will be awesome. I have no doubt.

(P.S. I'm thinking my comment may not have been the life raft you needed. Sorry. Still lub you.)

(P.P.S. Did you want that SPAM sushi kit?)

Heather and Kyle said...

DEB: you will do great. The girls will love you and when you get released you will be sad. I actually still stay in touch with my YWP. I got along with her great. You will be that same with those girls. I would rather have that calling than RSP. If you need ideas just ask. You will be great. Keep us updated. Your daughter will love having you there. Good luck!!!

The Garden of Egan said...

You will be awesome! You will lub them to death with all of your craziness! You needed to bring a little of YOU to Utah I'm sure....well, since I haven't never lived in Utah I can't swear by it, but I'm pretty sure!
Wow, the prez...........very scary!
My hubs was released from his calling yesterday as a bishop and his eyeballs are still sweating!

You will be awesome.

T said...


(I thought about taking 3 comments to say that... but worried what would happen if you popped in before they were all up there!)

Your daughter will love it... right???

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

You are joking about quittin' bloggin', right?

I am in the stake YW's. When should I come train you?

And your first activity will be teachin the YW to make musubi, I hope.

Does this mean you will FINALLY quit faux cussin?

Do you think Someone is trying to trap you in that there ward?

Kritta22 said...


I think we might see that stone cold heart get chipped away!

I thought for sure you were RS Pres.


Well there you are ablea to bea YMP!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Awwww shucks, peeps. Thanks for all the words of encouragment. You should all move into a van down by the river. It sounds like I am in for tons of FUN, FUN, FUN, as my gigi would say.

AND I pinky promise I won't give up blogging. Nutty Pat was right, just think of all the new material I will have to write about. ;)

Iwa, you called it! You were listening to all the trees and the wind and they whispered it to you, huh? You make me so excited to be in this calling. All of you make me excited. My sister is the camp director and she is trying to decide whether to go to Lake Powell or Flaming Gorge. I'm like WHOA! You mean we don't have to go to cricket field? AMAZING!


Okay Dolly, I can totally crack that code. You and I are always on the same wave length. When you here someone calling you it's because I've been thinking about you a lot lately and wanting to catch up. But when you woke up and no one was there is was symbolic of the fact that I haven't returned your email and Facebook message yet. You read my blog, but I'm not TOTALLY there. I am going to send you a big ole message on your Facebook TONIGHT.

Jami, any comment you make is a mini life raft. Did you buy the musubi kit? I would lub one! Fo' reals!

Thank you Heather. You are so sweet. I can't believe you are a mom now. Remember when you babysat my kids?

Oh, Egan, you were a sis bish? You cutie. How sweet. I'm happy/sad for you that your hub got released.

T, HAHA That was funny. I hope my daughter lubs it. I think I'm going to lub embarrassing her, that's for sure. hee hee

Low, COME TRAIN ME! YES! And YES, musubi. It's a must. I'll get photographic evidence and blog about it. You da bomb, girl!

Ha ha Kritta. You are so darn cute. You called me a YMP. Now that would be the day. But the first time I wrote my post title, I did the same thing. ;)

Kritta, I'm going to have the YW help me make another magic quilt. I'm so excited. How is ours coming along?

Katherine said...

Hey Deb,
I haven't had a chance to tell you...congratulations! My daughter is SO excited to have you as her leader! I have to admit that Melanie and I did have a good giggle about it...:) She said I could help with camp! My first thought when I heard that Melanie was the camp director was: "We're going to Lake Powell!" Or somewhere we can take a boat.
Good luck with everything!

Heather and Kyle said...

Deb: Yes I remember watching your kids. It was fun. It was good for Kyle to get to know them. Are you going to Pre Thanksgiving with the Frampton side? The Wednesday before at Paul and Jen's?

sara said...

Good luck. I've been trying to get released from the same calling for over a year now. I contemplated joining another religion, just long enough to get released and then I'll come back. My husband doesn't think that's a good idea.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Sara, are you serious? ha ha ha I am laughing because I totally remember your post about temple night. ha ha ha That was you, right?

Heather, Yes, we're going. Are you? Maybe I can see Ethan there and finally give you his gift. ;)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Katherine, hee hee Girls camp will be a PARTAY with you and Mel. Can't wait to blog about it.

And I absolutely adore your daughter already! She is my fav. Shhhhhhhh

Mariko said...

I am so bad attitude. So I won't even tell you what my comment is.

But I DID know it. That's what you get for raising the perfect YW (with an A instead of an E).

What were you THINKING?!

Anjeny said...

Crash, you're not suppose to pick favorites yet until they each bring your favorite snack or something like that...tsk tsk tsk.

**shakes head at the dummy**

Oh yeah, sorry about not visiting you as much as I used to on your blog...did I tell ya, I joined a book club and seems like every week a book is shoved in my face so as soon as I read one, there's another one begging to be read. Totally takes away blogging time, sorry.

I miss ya too girl...glad to read how you're doing over there.

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...


Lub and teach. Lub and teach.

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

And since I know you didn't mean ME when you talked about people leaving rafts, here is my raft.

Bloom where you are planted. :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

OMGOSH, Low! That is my favorite saying in the world. I even have a little "Bloom where you are planted" flower pot. High Five soul sistah. I can't believe how many times I've thought of that over the past few weeks. I even almost did a Bloom where you are planted post.

Lub and teach. I lub it. Great advice.

Mariko, why are you so bad attitude?

Oh Anjeny, you book worm you. I lub it. Do tell what you're reading. DO TELL! I think I might pick up a new hobby.

And you're right. I am making it too easy to be my fav. I need to be more demanding. ;) LY

Sandi said...

That's it. I'm packing up and moving to Zion so that my girls can have the dummy as their very own YWP!! I just got put in as sexytary with my 2 girls and I'm not so sure they are thrilled, but I think it's gonna be fun. I am going to steal ideas from you Utards- so get planning already!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Sandi, I've been waiting for you to comment so I can post again. I laughed out LOUD when I read you'd been put in as sexytary.


I wish I had thought of that joke. If only I had been put in as sexytary I could blog about it.

I would LUB LUB LUB to have your girls in my why double you club.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Why double you club. Hardy har har!

That's kinda funny if you think about it.

Heather and Kyle said...

Yes, we will be going. Yes, we will also be able to see the family since al is the only one we have seen!! Yes, you will get to see Ethan. Did you see what Ethan was for Halloween!

Martha said...

Ok, now I'm thinking you are in training for something even bigger and better. First you were a bish's wife, then RS pres and now YWP. I'm thinking the stake is next and then.... hey you live in Zion now, they will pick you.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Martha, you silly goose. I'll go inactive before that happens.

Hey Martha, guess what!!! Are you sitting down? Something even more shocking then me becoming YWP happened to our family. Tatum made the high school basketball team.

The most shocking part isn't that she made it, but that she tried out. And Va Sao made it too. Remember Va? They are going to play basketball together again.

Heather, I'm excited to see you guys! I'll check your blog to see what Ethan was.

Martha said...

Right on Tatum!!! She was always good at basketball, it's just it's not fair having to play with boys. Especially huge polynesian boys. I bet your hub is happy. I'm trying to get Rachel to play PAL this year, but so far it's a no go.

Dolly said...

I just found lots of Crashtestdummydiaries comments in my spam folder!

You are so popular that you are being filtered as spam. Maybe you can dethrone prozac and porn and you can be the new number one rating for Utah!

And it's a good thing that you have pledged your allegiance to us all, to keep up with the blog or else you would have driven even more women to prozac. Whew. That was close.

You're a great code cracker btw. I get it now!

April said...

AHHHHHHHHHH!!! The Dummy isn't going to grow up!!!! She's going to play with the girls instead!!! I KNEW IT! You will make the best YWP EVER! Besides, you have sidekicks like Sandi and I who are in YW too to roll your dummy eyes at when the girls act up! What more could you ask for?

Dolly said...

As for the Why Double You? club......... take it from double life dolly, doubling your trouble is a very mixed bag.

Sometimes it works out quite nicely as in every time they start to drool over "the new arrival" in the ward for such lofty callings as your latest, they soon realize that I am too slippery to pin down.

Other times it makes it so that I am a mere pothead plant without deep roots. Yip that's me a pothead flying high (in the sky - I'm almost a million mile member on Delta now that they've merged with NWA). The thing that I've learned about being a pothead plant without deep roots is that it is not enough to have a cutesy saying with great motivational intent such as "bloom where you are planted".

I lub gardening and plants and I know that I can not take a drought tolerant plant and mix it with shade lubbers that need lots of moisture and give it lots of encouragement to bloom there. It will become water logged and fall apart. My hub, knows I cringe when I hear "bloom where you are planted". My spin is "Plant yourself where you can bloom". Each plant, with all of it's great characteristics, thrives so beautifully in it's optimal environment.

Some species are so hardy they will eventually give you blooms no matter where you put them. I guess I'm one of those but really, if I had my best environment, with roots in the ground, I would really show off my bloomers to the world.

I found a plant that describes you also! The California Poppy.

The California poppy comes in orange, red and cream colored blooms. When planted, they typically spread to abundant proportions making them ideal for meadows or fields. They flourish in poor soils and lots of sun and heat. These plants are as tough as they are lovely.

Lub you Crash!

CaJoh said...

I saw this on Sunday and completely forgot to congratulate you on your appointment.

I spot read through a lot of the comments and realize that you are blessed. You have such a wonderful influence on your readers and it shows. This will definitely be good for both you and them. Enjoy the ride.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Whoo, boy, the only thing worse than RSP is YWP (not that I would know as I have never been either). However, I am sure as sure can be that you will be perfect! And love it, too.