Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Four Letter Words

Sunday I stayed up all night long.  

I did take a catnap between 11-12 p.m., but then I just laid there in the dark, dead-pan silence, tossing and turning like a bridge over troubled waters--a monkey bridge--until the wee hours of the morn. 

All that midnight peace, man . . . sometimes I just wanna punch it! 

See in Hawaii someone's always stirring things up in the middle of the night--the trees are flirting with the wind and the wind is teasing the waves and the waves are pestering the sand, and so on and so on and so on--but in these parts Mother Nature is strict. When she whispers, people listen. 

I could only take her whispering for so long before I rolled out of bed and slipped into my pink microfiber bathrobe and fuzzy sweater-slippers.  

I am required by my daughter to call them fuzzy slippers so as to pledge allegiance to slippahs, which are blasphemously referred to as flip-flops on the mainland. 

Flip flop is a four letter word in our house.  

As is BYU. My daughter requires us to say BYU-Provo.  

While filling out Scout applications during sacrament meeting, I naturally wrote BYU in the box that said "where does your hub work?"  My daughter had a hissy fit right on the pew and forced me at gunpoint to add P.R.O.V.O. to the tail end of it.  

But saying BYU-Provo in Utah is like saying Oh my heck in New York--it doesn't make sense to the natives and they will mock and ridicule you accordingly. 

(Mostly because heck ain't a word, peeps!  It's Helk!) 

Which reminds me of an observation I made last Saturday at a soccer game: 

There are two types of people in Utah--those who despise swear words and those who lub them so much they want to marry them.   

So last Saturday one of the players on the soccer field said the helk word during the game .  The teenage girl next to me sucked in her breath and said to her father "DID HE JUST SWEAR?" 

Her father said "Yes." 

"WELL . . . go tell him NOT to!" she said. 

Surprisingly her father didn't march right out onto the field that very instant. He opted to sit for truth and righteousness rather than stand.

So she decided to stand.  (For T & R).  She called him a retard. 

That showed him!

(It's a good thing swearing hasn't been legalized.)

But my goodness, how I digress. I certainly wasn't thinking about four letter words while I was tossing and turning and trying not to listen to Mother Nature until 2:30 a.m. I had more pressing things on my mind. Lists and lists of pressing things on my mind.  And not just lists of things to do, but lists of things to decide.  

There are soooo many choices and decisions to make in Utah and and choices and decisions require lots of time and energy. 

See, at BYU (Hawaii) you don't have to make choices.  Things are decided for you with one of three answers:  

1.) No!  2.) No way!!  and 3.) Yes, but wait five years.

But that's a whole nother post.  

Frankly, this post is a whole nother post.  It looks like I got hung up on the four letter words and missed my point. 

I'll have to tell you what I was trying to decide some other time. 


kasey ferrell said...

WHAT were you trying to decide? Now I will be up all night making stories up in my head....

Colleen said...

Of course she was deciding when to return to Hawaii, or how she'll surprise us, or what to pack in her suitcase because it would be silly to bring all those big things back like washers and dryers, because everything rusts and rots here anyway. Crash can stay in Utah writing lovely blogs, and articles and even books--see we're not greedy. We'll take the alter ego, who doesn't have time to write, but knows how to entertain us all the time anyway with her quick wit, amazing intellect, and zest for adventure. Dollyetta does it (lives a double life) and it works quite splendidly--for me anyway.

Okay, just wishing--I guess the deciding was about houses!

IWA (e - va) said...

In the carpool today from Kahuku to Hauula, my nephew said, that my oldest swore in school that day and he said, "Its a 4 letter word, that sounds like crab but at the end turn the b upside down."

I was so impressed that a 1st grader could figure that out, that I took the whole car pool to 7-11 to get slurpees and forgot about the 4 letter word, that sounds like crab but at the end, turn the b upside down.

Suggestion: Take some raw eggs to your next Soccer Game and dose it at those yelling, "Retard!" cause I would love to hear what they yell at you! LOL!

Jillybean said...

Decisions, decisions........

Should put shredded carrots or shredded cheese in your lime jello.

What phrase you were going to spell out with vinyl lettering on your kitchen wall.

What neighbor gifts you will be giving to everyone on your block for Christmas?

Which would look better in your laundry room, the set of red front loaders or the stainless steel?

Black beans or pinto beans in your pork salad at Cafe' Rio?

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Such a cliff hanger, I can hardly stand it. If you don't mind, I'll camp out right here until you tell the rest of this story.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I hate life altering decisions. They are so life altering. Good luck with that.

April said...

You're Peter Pan's sister, and you're deciding whether to grow up or not! Now that you have no one to make decisions for you and all, and you don't have Hawaii to sing you to sleep....I say DON'T DO IT!!! It's more fun being immature. You can get away with a lot more and you just appear more mature if you add "bless your heart" after it.

The Garden of Egan said...

Here in the 'Burg we have to clarify BYU also because there are those that go to the REAL BYU and then there's those that go to BYUI. (I wonder where the next BYU will be) I just refer to the Provo BYU as BYU South. We're BYU North and I guess BYU-H would be BYU West.
Hope you get some good sleep after your all nighter of four letter words.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!

I was so happy when I woke up this morning to find Kute Kasey in my comment box! Aaaahh It's KK's birthday this Saturday, which means it's been a whole year since I made her swirly cupcakes.

And I was even happier to find Colleen in my comment box. OMGOSH Colleen, I miss you so much. Yesterday I was thinking that you should be calling me to talk about what our kids are doing for History Day. SNIFF! I miss History Day. It was such a healthy way to avoid reality and responsibility. ;) And YES, you're right. I need to lead a double life like Dolly. Tatum is even wanting to come back for tennis season because Tristan does it. And yes, houses did cross my mind too.

P.S. Colleen, Tatum and I look at her friends photos on Facebook several times a week. Ethan looks so handsome with short hair. And I thought he looked good with long hair.

IWA, I was so happy to see you too. That is the cutest story ever. hee hee hee. Little sweet innocent ones that think crap is a swear word. I remember that stage. But even cuter is the whole crab with an upside down b. Your children are critical thinkers. And creative too. YAY!

Iwa, you need to start blogging again. I WANT YOU TO. I don't know why you stopped, but can you just unstop?

Jillybean, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Your comment made me laugh OUT LOUD! Oh, girl. You are so right on target. How stinkin' funny because seriously I was trying to figure out yesterday how to shred carrots. How do you shred carrots? Do you just peel them or grate them? I was making cheese and broccoli soup and not lime jello.

Jilly, vinyl lettering. HAHAHAHA Oh, you kill me.

I know what Christmas gifts I'm giving to my neighborhood. YOU GAVE me the idea and I put a fancy spin on it. I'll post about it soon.

Stainless Steel or Red front loaders? Black beans or Pinto beans? LOLOL Girl, you have got your finger on the pulse of Utah.

LOW, I am so happy to see you too. I had a huge long dream about you last night. SERIOUSLY. I dreamed that I came to your house in St. Georgia and I met you and we hugged and hugged and I met your whole entire family, except AniC and all your kids and your hub. But I did meet Nolan. He didn't want us to go through his luggage and look at his things. Probably thought we would blog about it. ;) But you lived in a ginormous house with hundreds of family members around. What a strange dream.

Nutty Hamster Chick, ME TOO! You are so profound. Life altering decisions are so life altering. That's what makes them so life altering I guess. ;) LY!

And April you are so right too. I don't want to grow up. And Hawaii was Never Never land because I didn't have to. I think I left my shadow in Hawaii because I can't seem to find it. You're right April, I shouldn't do it! Just pretend to do it.


Garden . . . the "Burg" ha ha ha ha Yes, I bet you guys have the same problem in Ideeho. Luckily when I lived in Rexburg it was called Ricks so we didn't have that conflict.

Hey guys, MAHALO! I needed this comment box today.

LY Everyone!

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

Crash- I hope one day you really do get to come and visit me!!! Except I hope you don't mind that my house is wittle. :-)

So around when do you think you'll be in St Georgia again???

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

I hope one day soon there will be a BYU-St.Georgia because quite frankly, we are tired of our kids all going out west and staying.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

LoW, I'm coming the last week of May.

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

And Crash- because I think you don't go back through my posts to see if I replied- :) My dad was the youngest of a lot of kids. His mom had him when she was 45 and she started having babies at like, 17(ish). So he had brothers and sisters having babies before he came along. So those two ladies are his dad's brother's daughters. And their story is SO interesting!!! I'll have to share one day. But really, it's a story!
But my dad's oldest brother is 90 and sister is 92. And those sisters in the pictures are their age. :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...


I would lub to hear their stories.

Margaret said...

I got hung up on the 4 word thing. Not sure at all what that post was about lol

DeNae said...

Goodness, you are a complex woman of mystery, aren't you? I look forward to hearing what it was you were trying to decide, and what you finally decided!

(And I hear you re: choices in UT. Families in UT are so overscheduled, and I think it's b/c they have so dang many choices!

And frankly, I would rather hear a b-level cuss word than have someone holler "retard" across a soccer field. That word is almost as bad as the "n" word as far as I'm concerned.

Heidi Ashworth said...

If flip-flop is a bad word, then what is thong? (which is what we USED to call flip-flops before the underwear variety became so prevalent).

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Yes, DeNae, I fully support B-level cuss words over insults. So glad you got my point, girl. :) You're a complex woman of mystery too. How's the novel coming?

Hi Miss Heidi, I TOTALLY remember thongs. That's what I always called them too. What's next?

Martha said...

The last two nights it rained and rained. I love it when it does that all night. Except....the new neighbors had this flower pot on their front porch and their drainpipe was dripping water into it super loud. Drip....drip...drip... forever. So Perry got up, got dressed and went over there and moved it onto their porch. Can you belive those new neighbors? Our old neighbors would have never been so inconsiderate.

And Iwa, crap is not a 4 letter word. I say it all the time. It's pretty much my favorite.

Our five year wait is over. The new cupboards are here. They are going in right now and it's not a dream. Like colleen says you need to decide to come back.

CaJoh said...

I call them quot;Thongs"— but that could be considered a five letter word. Much like "tease" which is what you have successfully done by making us wonder what you are trying to decide upon.

Yes, I agree that calling it BYU-Provo is kind of redundant especially since you are already there.

MaeRae said...

I joke around on a regular basis, I don't suffer from ADD, did you see that chicken. That now all my friends will stop me in the middle of a story and ask "is that a chicken?" I think you left the coop door open this morning when you started your post and the four letter word was your chicken. good to see I am not alone! Farmers all are we.

Sandi said...

Hey missy you can't be holding out on us like that..what is it keeping you up all night like that? I love Jillybean's guesses- A LOT.
I have been a non-sleeper for the last year or so...I think 2 weddings in 6 months does that to a girl. Am hoping to return to peaceful slumber soon.
I love my Utard cousins and they are the ones that are so in love with swearing they want to marry it. It makes them endearing. haha. I wonder what kind of Utard you'll turn out to be?
I'm proud of your girl for remembering what is what with all that BYU-PROVO business. She is right- and don't you forget it.
p.s. happy almost 1 year anniversary of the kute kupkake experience!!!!!!! I am going to make some kute swirly dum-dum/smartie bedazzled kupkakes of my very own in honor of that day!!

Not June said...

I am well aware of the cat-naps in the middle of the night, and that insomnia makes you want to swear.
Fortunately, for my kids, swear words are such a regular part of our everyday lingo, they don't realize the difference.

val of the south said...

Jillybean - you totally have Utahns pegged - thanks for the laugh!

I am freakin amazed at all the flippin faux swear words here - holy crap - it's like all people say!

wv: sesserse
It just seems like a fun word!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Martha, I can't believe your new neighbors are so rude and inconsiderate. If they're going to be annoying they should do it by screaming at their children.

And for thirteen years we were hanging on the five year dream. How ironic that it ended 2 months after we moved. I think that calls for a CRAb, with an upside down b.

Okay MaeRae . . . I don't know what the helk you're talking about, girlfriend, but I'm thinking it has something to do with the fact that you didn't know what the helk I was talking about. ;)

Ah Sandi, you always know just the right things to say. Do you find you don't need the slumber much anymore? I second the motions of making smartie dum dum cupcakes. And I think I'll turn out to be exactly the same kind of Utard that I was in Hawaii, only with smaller hair and paler skin. And I'll probably do more gardening and family history and scrapbooking and canning. ;)

Val, I second that motion. Jilly bean should get an award today for her comedy.

June, hee hee I like that swearing strategy.

Mariko said...

I think you were deciding whether or not to put a star over your door. And whether or not you and Tatum should come back for a semester.

Hmmm. If you answer one, we'll know how you're answering the other, don't you think?

I like answer #3 in Hawaii. Because I can always wait 5 years in Hawaii.
I think you should call it BYUP instead. That makes so much sense.

And you should have told that girl she was gay. Because I hate hate hate when people use that word, and it is so appropriate here.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha Mariko. A star over my door. I've been wanting to write a post about that. I should probably do that soon.

And that makes perfect sense about waiting five years in Hawaii. It's not too hard to wait in Hawaii. ;)

And ha ha ha ha ha ha ha about BYUP. I LUB IT! You are on a roll tonight, girl.

If Tatum had been next to me at the soccer game she would have told the girl she was pooh!

Martha said...

Speaking of BYU PROVO. Last week we had a little trouble with our oldest boy who thinks since he's in college he is exempt from helping out or cleaning his room. So we grounded him from the car, and while we were at church he drove his car to his ward. He actually disobeyed us!!! How dare he!!

Why is this about PROVO you ask? Well, he says he has no freedom. (Which is a bunch of pooh, cuz we don't even check when he comes home). So I said "hey go to PROVO then". So we got online and we started filling out his application. We got about half way through and he says. "Mom, I don't want to go to PROVO. I really like it here". So we quit (luckily before the $35 fee was paid).

I went to Provo one year. I just remember not knowing anyone in my classes and there were 500 people in them. My ward was dumb and I froze to death walking through campus. I had a blast with my friends in the dorms and that was all. I don't think Adam would like it there too much.

Sandi said...

BYUP...ha ha, yep thats a keeper.

Dolly said...

Ha ha ha. Love it Heidi Ashworth! They WERE thongs before anything else.

And BYUP! Good one Mariko!

Crash - I have gots to talk to you one of these days. Decisions decisions. Talking in circles about stuff so as not to say what you really want to say - nice diversion to the Kute Kasey post from last year, but I am onto your frequency missy! Maybe cuz I am tuned into that frequency and none of my other channels work. Double life Dolly is still trying to figure out if a triple life makes sense.

Colleen - One more week, we'll be in Hauula! Can't wait to hang with you for the soccer season!