Friday, March 27, 2009

Family Visitors: Don't Try This at Home!

If you were to squeeze my mom like a tube of toothpaste she would ooze empathy and compassion.

I don't recommend brushing your teeth with empathy and compassion, unless you want to end up with a mouthful of cavities.

So if my mom ever comes to visit you, look alive, peeps! LOOK ALIVE!

Don't look dead. Or weary. Or exhausted. Or downtrodden. Or sick. Or annoyed.

All of these looks will land you one extra large toothbrush full of empathy and compassion, and this is what it will sound like while you're brushing your teeth with it:

"Are you tired? You look tired. Are you sick? You look downtrodden. Are you exhausted? No wonder you're so annoyed, bless your heart!"

She won't just bless your heart either, she'll bless your dryer's heart too."

Yesterday she told me that my dryer wasn't drying anything. I said, "maybe we need to empty the lint catcher."

And you know what she said? She said, "maybe it's just tired because we've been using it all day, bless it's heart. We should give it a rest."

I said "maybe we should tell it buck up li'l cowboy! That's right. You heard me. You best giddy up and get your groove back on cuz we ain't near done with you yet.

I wasn't being rude, I was being honest. Dryers work a lot better when you don't give them any sympathy.

Besides the cavities I kinda enjoy family visitors. When you've lived away from home for 20 years you have a lot to learn about your famdamily.

Take my brother, Dan, for instance . . . we practically grew up together. We listened to America's Top Forty every week and started our own rock band writing hit songs like Kiss, Yea Yea and Kiss is in Trouble. Every year we rode in my papa and gigi's Subaru to the Mojave desert where we spent our summers eating Oreos and breaking our papa's t.v. and hiding from the promiscuous neighbors.

And yet there are so many things I never knew I never knew about him.

Like I never knew that if I said "hey, let's go to the beach," he would say, "Okay, let me run take a shower and put my jeans on."

And I never knew that he would fix my daughter French toast for breakfast so she could win her tennis matches.

And I never knew he would laugh himself silly while watching The Office then tell me I make the most tremendous freakin' caramel popcorn in the history of the world.

(I nearly hugged him, btw. And then I nearly told him it was Swirl's recipe.)

Having family visitors is cool, but proceed with caution. It's a dangerous game and I wouldn't try it at home. Leave it to the trained professionals because it's risky, man! Before you know it you may look around the living room floor at a half a dozen boys strewn out and snoring and realize your stone cold heart is drooping and your eyes are sweating.

(Not to mention you've got a mouthful of cavities.)


Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Ah sweet. Full of cavities you may need a root canal sweet but sweet nonetheless.

It sounds like it's been a good visit.

Tell that dryer to get going! Can't have wet neked people in the Crash-o-sphere now!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

So jealous of you!!! I bet you guys are having so much fun. I have such awesome memories with Dan. He was always so kind and fun. I loved trying to catch pollywogs with him in Zion's. Awww- you, Dan and you mom have a big group hug and tell eachother " that was from Emily" LOL

I am LoW said...

Some cavities are worth it!!

How fun. But will they hurry up and leave so we can have you back full time?

heh heh heh

(by the way, I am totally the same with my dryer, tough love is what all dryer need)

aniC said...

family visitors ARE great but dangerous! at least you get family visitors though, and you are all the way in hawaii!! i'm only two states away from my family and i might as well be in a different country with as little as they visit!
plus LoW gets mad when she hears that i try to get other family members beside her to visit me.

Melanie J said...

Hey, I'd love that caramel corn recipe. I need to buy my children's love.

I am LoW said...

Crash- I hate bring our family issues to your comment box.....

But AniC will sweet talk me about coming to visit, and I feel all special. Then I hear her doing the same to the other 9 siblings, then I don't feel special anymore.

I hate to say it, but she's a 'visit-me-wh0re'.

There, I said it!!

Is this therapy session done yet???

(besides, I have visited her before and am planning to this summer again)

Heidi Ashworth said...

Gee, it all sounds kinda hazardous. Good thing I live in a little landlocked town 20 minutes from the freeway and not Hawaii or I could be in for some cavities and eye sweating. hee hee

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Sounds familiar to me. How long will all the fun be lasting? Is it another 42 day thing?

Kritta22 said...

Cavities stink.

Big time.

Kritta22 said...

But maybe worth it??

Can I have some caramel popcorn?

Kritta22 said...

And I agree with Bloggin mama....

Man UP!! Dryer!!

Jen said...

My mother lives a quarter of a mile up the country road from me. She'd do my laundry in her own overworked dryer if I'd let her.

I love Moms. Glad you got to see yours!

Jami said...

Where is Swirl's freakin' tremendous caramel popcorn recipe? We deserve cavities too!

nevadanista said...

Oh man, I think I need your mom to come bless my laundry room. Something seems to have died in there and I can't figure out what or where.

Youngblood4ever said...

Gotta be honest with ya, I wish my family visits were this fabulous! My fam is a little whacked. I'll have to post about it sometime.

Bless your dryers heart! That's funny!

Um, did you give your brother the "you're a freak" look when he said he would shower and get in his jeans when you asked if they wanted to go down to the beach? I am thinking he needed it!

April said...

I'm in dire need of cavities. I hope your dryer gets working properly!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi everyone! AloooooHAAA!

I dropped my visitors off at the PCC and then I raced home to straighten the house and now I'm sneaking over here to respond to my peeps.

Emily, Ben (her brother who is my cousin) is coming for dinner on Sunday. So excited to see him. I hope he brings Wolfgang. hee hee
We will all have a group hug in your honor.

LoW, ha ha ha ha ha Visit-me-whore. Oh girl, you crack me up! I love it when people bring their family issues to my comment box.

Okay peeps, I'm going to have to post the caramel popcorn recipe. And proof that my brother wears jeans to the beach.

And I will be back in action in 3 more days!!!!! wahooo!

Okay, I'm going to go post some surprisingly precious photos I snapped today.

BTW, it's great to see Kritta back to talking to herself again in my comment box.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

See, I LOVE entertaining...especially when someone suggest to give the Dryer a break... has been on SPRING BREAK!

After my trip, I just haven't been able to get myself to make it go back to work...

Anyway...sounds like good times! :)

Chowder said...

My grandpa always said about visitors, "It's great to see ya come and it's great to see ya go."

No truer words have ever been spoken.

Tiffany said...

So good to hear about Dan. Get him online ASAP!

SWIRL said...

My mom wants a picture with you CRASH so she can rub it in my sister and sister-in-laws face.. that she got to come and actually MEET YOU!

tee hee..
too funny- about the dryer- could your mom come over and bless mine as well??