Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Ms. Crash Test Dummy Speaks Her Mind

Tonight I'm too pooped to pop. That's what my gigi always says.

The reason I'm too pooped to pop is because my mom has been cleaning all day to prepare for my rock-star brother's arrival. It's exhausting ordering my mom around all day. She's such a passive resister.

And remember how I said my mom isn't as quirky as my MIL?

Well I lied!

She cheats like a mad hatter at Sudoku. And she doesn't wear her seat belt--even when the car is screaming down her neck. And she speaks softly, but she doesn't carry a big stick. And she takes no for an answer--even if you don't say no.

And you should see her eyes fill with terror everytime I ask her to do a guest post. She won't even send her own kids a copy of her Christmas letter. Is that the quirkiest thing you've ever heard or what?

So I will go ahead and guest post for her, seeing as I know exactly what she would say anyway.

First she would say "Hey, dummy, we're on the plane. You can take off your rose colored sunglasses now."

So here is me doing an impression of my mom guest posting on my blog:


Can everybody hear me? I don't really have anything to say but I'm the dummy's mom and we just had a really nice time on Kona at King Kamwhatchamacallit's hotel.

It was really fun watching my grand twins play basketball, except when the dummy accidentally elbowed me in the face. Twice. All because my feet wouldn't stop tap dancing and my mouth wouldn't stop doing the hokey pokey.

Alls I was saying was "OH GOSH! Oh my goodness! Oh GREAT! Oh No! Oh Dear! Oh oh oh, we are going to lose. I can't take it. How do you stand it? How sad that you married a sports freak and then you went ahead and gave birth to a bunch of little sports freaks."

But I was right. They did lose in the semi-finals. I totally called it.

But we still had fun and I taught her a lot of important things about life.

Like did you know that if you chew gum for 20 minutes your brain becomes more focused?

And did you know you can actually buy shoes that will exercise your calves and your buns simply by wearing them.

And did you know that big hair is happening, but brown purses are (YAWN) so not happening.

Candy Apple Red is more like it.

Crash has been a wonderful daughter, but I think she's been in Hawaii for too long. Like today we were driving to the airport to pick up my son and his family. The dummy was on the phone when out of the blue a 3 foot cockroach crawled down my arm. You could hear me scream from the Statue of Liberty. I accidentally flicked that cockroach into the dummys face. It bounced off her bangs and slid down her crooked nose right into her candy apple red purse.

She didn't even flinch. She reached down and grabbed that cockroach and was just about to toss it into the oncoming traffic when it wriggled away and scampered out of sight. EWWWW! I couldn't stop creeping out. I couldn't stop gettting chicken skin and I got whip lash from looking over my shoulder. But do you think the dummy would pull over? No, she just kept laughing her evil mad scientist cackle and saying the roach was only a baby--still in diapers.

It's a good thing she didn't tell me about this cane spider who lept to it's death into her bath water yesterday. I think I would have herniated a disc or three.

Anyway, thanks for being so supportive of my daughter's blog. I personally don't love to read it because she's kinda . . . hyper. Plus I really can't stand the word BLOG. Blog is such an ugly word.

In closing I just want to say the highlight of the trip for me was taking 30 photos of ourselves on the plane.

Here is Crash flogging me through clenched teeth.

"So help me, Gad, If you cut your face off again I'll poke your eye out!!"


I am LoW said...

Oh, I love your mom!!! And really? YOu can pick up cockroaches like that? I mean, they are here too, and they are huge, but I'll NEVER get use to them. And brown purses are out? Hmpf, I better go shopping!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

I have the heebey jeebey's looking at that spider! I can't stop freaking out. That's it. I'm not going to come live with you!
The gecko's are alright the spiders are so NOT alright!

I love your moms guest post, she's so sweet :)

And, note to self, must aquire cool looking candy apple red bag like Crash.

aniC said...

i do not look 12!! give me at least 18...even though i'm over half way through my 20s!
that picture of that insect that was posted by your mother (i can't say the name of it)...almost made me never want to come to your blog again. makes my skin crawl just thinking about it! (which is why i can't even say the name of it)
your mom is so sweet to (let you)guest post (for her) on your blog.

SO said...

Your "mom" did a great guest post! And ew on the cockroach and the spider. Maybe you have been in Hawaii too long.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Oh my...your mom sounds just like you!!! I have loved getting to know my MIL through blog blood and now my MOM...SO lucky I have them in your life to keep me happy!

But the cockroach thing was creepy...honestly!

DeNae said...

Ah, yes, life in the islands. You haven't seen a cockroach until you could saddle up and ride it to the supermarket. THEN you know you're an islander, right??

Yep, your mom, my mom, same brain.

Lara said...

I don't care how long I've lived in a cockroach infested place, I don't think I could ever do that. Gag.

PS Your purse rocks!

springrose said...

OK, that spider was freaky! Are they dangerous??? UGH!!! I hate spiders, and mice and crunch coakroaches!! Yuck!! and double YUCK YUCK!! Your mom is so cute though, so it totally makes up for the creepy freeky spider!

Jami said...

Cutting your face off to spite your blogger? Hm. How would you poke an eye after that?

Your mother is darling and totally rational in her response to HUGE, MASSIVE, EVIL insects which sort of take the perfect right out of paradise. Do you think there were monster bugs in the Garden of Eden?

Cute purse.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Love the purse. Yay for moms. Sorry about the bugs. Good you are used to it.

Heidi Ashworth said...

So, Crash's Mom, what you are saying is that the elbow in the gums doesn't stop when your daughter gets older? Because I am so tired of the elbow in the gums via my daughter! I was really hoping I could do the hokey pokey with any body part I choose when she got more mature but I'm guessing not!

Kritta22 said...

Oh that picture of the spider freaked me out!!

I'm back my long lost friend! Oh how I missed you!

Kritta22 said...

I have some catching up to do but it has to wait until nap time!

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Hehehe, that was a funny post. Say hi to your Mom for me and who is coming out to visit you too? So jealous!!!!!

Ok- those wolf spiders are so flipping disgusting. Ben has sent me pics of ones that get in his room and I want to scream looking at the pics. Yikes!

Have fun with all your fam.

Youngblood4ever said...

OMHeck! Love your, er, your mom's post. Fabulous! Umm, I think I threw up a little bit when I saw the picture of the spider. Maybe Hawaii isn't the place for me. I have a pest control dude come to my house every month because I can't handle bugs/spiders invading MY space!

PS LOVE the purse. Are you going to give it away in your next contest?

Martha said...

Wait you told me that me that my new brown purse was cute! Remember that? It was hard enough for me to get up enought courage to stop carrying a wallet around and now you tell me that I have to have a candy apple red purse? Does your new red one smell like strawberries, bananas, and rasberries? Well mine does, so there.

I've had such good luck catching cockroaches lately. I bought this glue trap thingy and they get stuck and invite all their friends to come get stuck too. Since you got your house sprayed all the roaches probably made a break for the car. You should put one of the glue traps in your car.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

I love that you guest blogged on behalf of your mom! You are hilarious!

Those bugs are really freaking me out!!! I'm getting chicken skin just looking at them.

Sandi said...

Well remember how I suggested telling us how much things cost in Paradise, and then we wouldn't get all huffy when you try to send us serotonin via your blog pics, because we would then see the down side of it all? Well I think you just accomplished that with the tales of the (baby) cockroach and the lovely cane spider- I don't think anyone is jealous anymore! One thing your "mom" missed in her guest post, is what life lessons we can learn from purple rain- that is what I am DYING to know!

Stephen said...

Too many bugs on that island for me. Sounds like you are having fun.

April said...

Yeah!!! I'm in! I have a green purse! (Thanks to my uber cool sister - not the CTD social worker one, she has NO fashion sense. hahaha)

I still have chicken skin thinking about the cockroach AND the spider!!! YIKERS!!! Your mom should poke you in the eye for laughing at her....after she smooshes the cockroach and the spider!

Had I been in the car with you, your ears would still be ringing from my screams! True story.

wenderful said...

Big big spider! Not my favorite. Cute red purse. Darling mom. Love the flight pictures.
Gotta go to bed...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Hi peeps! I really miss you guys! I am knee deep in company--6 little boys--and research papers. I can't wait to come and do my visiting teaching to all of your blogs. And I'm going to bring banana bread when I come. I feel so out of the loop.

And isn't that spider the creepiest thing EVER! Ewwww. I was seriously getting in the tub and that jumped out at me when I pulled the shower curtain. Imagine a neked dummy screaming her head off until my fully clothed hub smacked it into my bath water. So hard to enjoy being neked after something that traumatic occurs.

I hope my mom never sees that photo because she would buy an early ticket home fo' sure.

We found the 3 ft cockroach in the car today. I snapped a photo to prove that it is just a baby.

Not freaked out by cockroaches anymore.

Every time you guys start breaking commandments and coveting my paradisical glory I'm going to post that spider photo. Thanks for the suggestion Sandi.

I L all of Y. I so can't wait to stop pretending I don't blog my brains out for the sake of making my company think I'm a normal person.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Crash - On RWVM, you're in, so no worries :) Start thinking up some good posting stuff.

Sandi said...

Ha ha hahahahaha at pretending to be a normal person - Love that and can't wait for the banana bread!

SkiTwo said...

You have the most hilarious blog I have ever read and I have read Seriously So Blessed but you totally rock that blog. Thanks for writing such funny stuff so I could be ROTFLOL all the time on your blog.