Saturday, March 14, 2009

This message brought to you by the universe

I've had something too much on my mind as of late. More and more often it creeps up and startles me like a swift kick in the pants. But usually it lingers vaguely in the back of my brain like a nagging toothache.

It's my vacuum bag.

My vacuum bag is full to overflowing and needs to be replaced.

Every time I make a TO DO list I write BUY NEW VACUUM BAGS! But I never actually buy them, I just think about buying them.

I started putting post-it notes all over my house--on my fridge, my bathroom mirror, under the kitchen sink, inside the rice cooker.


I even cut out early from a girl day with Martha and Swirl so I could buy new vacuum bags. But did I buy them? Nope. I couldn't even remember what brand of vacuum I own so I went to Abargios to listen to George Michael and drink Mountain Dew instead.

But I really needed new vacuum bags because my mom is coming on Monday!

Did you hear me, peeps? I said my mom is coming on Monday!

So a few days ago I got on-line and shopped until I dropped, but do you know how much it costs to ship Y shaped Hoover vacuum bags to the middle of the pacific ocean?


No thank you, I will just keep sweeping my floors!

My mom offered to help. "I can run down to the Hoover store and bring you some vacuum bags when I come," she said. "I've been trying to think of something to get for your birthday anyway."

It was tempting because I've been wanting vacuum bags for my birthday, but I finally finally finally found some in the very first place I looked.

Hallelujah for Sears!

When I got home I opened the cupboard above the dryer where I keep my vacuum bags and time slowed way down. I blinked. I rubbed my eyes. I blinked again. I closed the cupboard door and opened it again. Closed. Opened.

I laughed. I cried. I almost died.

Stacked neatly right where the vacuum bags are supposed to be was a pile of . . . vacuum bags.

There's a moral here, peeps. There's a definite moral here: Don't waste time listening to George Michael and wishing for things you already have.


P.S. Remember last week's crock pot message from the universe? Well, I was hauling Martha's basketball snacks out of my van when my first counselor drove by and yelled, "Hey, I read your blog. I've got your crock pot!" Of course I stuck my leg out and tripped her van. (Was that spiteful?)

Sometimes my life is just like the movie Castaway.

P.S. My husband is back now, btw, and I have a raging headache.

It's not just because of the constant yakety yak yak in my ear every time I sit down to blog my brains out.

It's also because of all the presents he brought back from the Big Island for our 20th wedding anniversary--shortbread cookies dipped in chocolate. Jelly beans dipped in chocolate, a huge bag of chocolate covered macademia nuts, a huge bag of dirty laundry, more choc covered mac nuts, more strep throat, and a hotel and resorts shower cap that you can only get in Hawaii, Fiji and Tahiti.

Oh, and a pair of hungry eyes. (You'd think he'd never seen a 41 year old in a pair of flannel jammies before!)

Guess what I got him?

A visit from my mom. (Isn't the 2oth the MIL anniversary?) Do you think I should dip her in chocolate before I bring her home from the airport?


Amanda said...

LOL dip her in chocolate!!!!

Jen said...

Seeing as how my mom lives a quarter mile away, our twentieth should be totally cheap and easy.

However, I think my hubby's idea of "cheap and easy" would be a very different sort of celebration...

Youngblood4ever said...

Ahhhh! True Crash. Thanks for the laughs. You wanna share the chocolate, don't ya!?! I'm feeling the vibe.

PS, I still have vacuum bags from 2 vacuums ago. Ya, I go through vacuums like people go through TP. My kids love to help vacuum and it is cheaper to buy a new vacuum than to pay someone $500 to take out the lipstick tube that they sucked up. (yes, that happened to me, no not $500, but when you are a starving student even $50 seems like a fortune!)

Oh, and getting vacuum bags for your birthday would be almost as bad as the time my hubby gave me a trashcan for my birthday. I kid you not. (wiping the tears) It was a sad birthday. He has NEVER made that mistake again!

wesley's mom (sue) said...

Once, a very long time ago, I resorted to dumping my vacuum bag through that tiny little hole in the top because I kept forgetting to remember what kind of bags I needed.

lori said...

I am totally laugh/crying now! I'm laughing because it's funny when it happens to someone else....but crying because it isn't so funny when it happens to me. least you'll be prepared in case of any emergencies...aren't tons of vacuum bags and 2 crocks for your pot on the list of must haves for emergency preparedness?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha everyone!

Jen, your husband's idea of cheap and easy might be more fun for your 20th, especially if there is chocolate involved because I know how you love chocolate.

Youngblood, I like to buy new vac's too. They're so cheap on And free shipping too! ;) I can't believe your husband gave you a trash can for your birthday. ha ha ha ha ha I BET he never made that mistake again.

Sue, Ha ha I've done that too. shhhhhh. But I've never done my kids homework. (hee hee) Gotta read Sue's blog to get that one.

Lori, good point. Especially if the power goes out. ;)

Heidi Ashworth said...

Oh, man! I HATE it when I buy vacuum bags when I already have some! And those weird black rubber belt thingies that go on the vacuum? I hate it when I have to go buy those b/c I can't find the ones I have--and I know I have them! Just hate it! (Hmmm hungry eyes AND strep throat? Sounds like a scary combo to me.)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Dip her in chocolate! Might help.
I am always saying I need vacuum bags too. And even if I do buy them I still never get around to changing the bag. Maybe that means I should vacuum more often maybe??

Have an awesome visit with your mom!

Jillybean said...

I bet if you dipped yourself in chocolate your husband wouldn't even notice your mother there.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

"I bet if you dipped yourself in chocolate your husband wouldn't even notice your mother there."


Mariko said...

So, I'm confused. The message from the universe is "redundancy" (since your crock pot is also sending you your second message). I'm still waiting to hear what that applies to.

Da and I are making plans for BlogHer in Chicago at the end of July. Wanna come?

I am LoW said...

I wanna be dipped in chocolate!!!

WHY does your word verifier read "bathesin"???

SO said...

Oh yeah. Chocolate covered mil would be good.

Tiffany said...

Funny, I even jumped back and read the universe post. You make my life so much more enjoyable, laughing is worth a million bucks. I wish I had a million to give you for all the laughs. I dont? I bet you are more sorry than I am about that.

Martha said...

Glad you found the vacuum bags. I wish you guys would stop cleaning over there. Let your mom see the true you. Plus you're making your neighbors look bad by having the only clean and organized home around.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha Ha Martha, YES, I should just come out of the closet and let her see what a mess I am in real life. Ha ha. I'm proud of you for coming clean with your mom. You're so much braver than me.

Tiffany, you are so sweet. I wish you had a million bucks to give me too. Man, I would defintely prostitute a few laughs out for a million bucks.

Don't read that wrong, peeps. I said prostitute a few LAUGHS out, and not chocolate dipped laughs. hee hee

Miss Heidi, he brought a son with strep throat home, so no worries--his throat didn't interfere with his eyes. Ha.

Ha ha ha Jillybean. This is a pretty steamy comment box, in an innocent MOROMON MOMMY kinda way.

Oh my goodness, Mariko, you're so right. The universe is redundant. Plus it's truths are contradictory. It's sending me mixed messages AND mixed metaphors.

My testimony of the universe is faltering a little.

Wait! No, I blame myself and my own weakness in interpreting the complexities of the universe.

I still believe!


The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Mariko, YES, I'd love to go to Chicago with you and Da! When when when?

I'm scared it will be during my family reunion if it's the very last week in July.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

My new vacuum is bagless, and I am pretty excited about that. One thing to cross of my list of crosses to bear. Yeah

Mariko said...

ARGH! It IS the very last week of July.
But it's the weekend. You could miss that part of your family reunion, right?
I've never had a family big enough for a family reunion so I would have no idea why that would be more important than a conference about blogging. :)

SWIRL said...

I can't believe you DITCHED Martha, Me and Martha's MIL on our girls day.. early.. then didn't BUY your vaccume bags!!!!

You just didn't want to pick out curtains.. admit it!

I love your last post about the snacks.. :0) Too true- full on meal.. good thing you made sure to give Martha the credit. Very thoughtful.

IWA said...

I think the message the universe is sending is to go out and BUY a bagless vacuum....

of course you'll then take it to a church activity, bring it home with a piece missing....

only to go to Goodwill where you will find the piece, and then blog about it...

and then your first counselor will see you at a basketball game and tell you that she took home the part with her!

or something similar to that!

Maybe the 20th is the MIL so she can come and clean you house so immaculate that you cant find anything! My MIL visited during my 5th and 8th anniversary and I never touched the vacuum once... it was wonderful!

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Thanks for adding me to your blogroll, I do feel honored. And thanks for the sweet comments, I taught mom your Kung-Fu moves :) so cancer doesn't stand a chance.