Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Big L on the Forehead

Sometimes I wonder if being a mom loosens your grip on reality.

Like one time at an assembly at the elementary school someone pulled me up on stage at the last minute saying they needed a bunch of cool moms to dance. I was totally up for it. I mean, if there's one thing I can do it's shake my groove thing. 

So I rocked out. I was thinking Man my kids must be like, "Oh,yea, that's my MOM! Ain't she jus' da bomb!" But when I actually made eye contact with one of my kids in the crowd I immediately recognized that deer-in-the-headlights expression on his face and that big L on his forehead.

Reality check!

This morning I arose extra early (before my 7:30 a.m. class) to pack my twins a home lunch for their field trip.

I made it from scratch.

I made it with my own two hands.

I made it with love sweet love.

Piping hot musubi and freshly baked banana muffins. (Well, I nuked the rice and SPAM the banana muffins were day-old, but still!)

And then I mixed up some lemonade, poured it into a couple of old Propel bottles and shoved them in the freezer so they would be all slushy.

I was so proud of myself.

I went to class with visions of my twins high-fiving and chest butting each other when they opened the freezer door.

I imagined them spontaneously combusting into herkie kicks upon seeing the nuke warm musubi and day old banana muffins. "Wahoo!" they would shout. "Our mom is the bessssst!"

As it turns out they felt jilted. In fact they confessed they were even a little bit mad a me. Apparently everyone had more lunch than them.


Every. Every. Everyone!

That's what they said anyway.

Every single person in the entire 4th grade had either a bigger or better lunch than my twins.

Except Haley.

Haley just had a sandwich (thank heavens).

Misery loves company and so do losers. Losers LOVE company. Right now I'm just thankful I'm not the only big fat loser mom in Laie (who can bust a move.)

I should have just taken the extra time to buy their love like I usually do.


SO said...

I'd be dancing just to see that deer in the headlights look on their faces. Oh yes I would.

Any chance we can see you bust a move?

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Please post a video of you shaking your groove thing! Please, please, please!

I love how our kids keep us humble. :)

Alyson (New England Living) said...

By the way, can't wait for our NYC bash! A possible Dave PAR-TAY? Awesome! You're welcome to my place in CT too!

April said...

Oh no you don't! I win Mother of the Year! I ditched my son who was bleeding to death (from his finger nail that had to be removed) in order to go to lunch with blog friends. I made my hubby take him to the doctor's office to have the finger x-rayed and the nail removed, knowing that my hubby would probably pass out. All in the name of blog friends! And I even laughed at my lunch with them! And I didn't make him a lunch to take to school that day. that lunch was great! When do you come to St George again? lol!!!

Barbaloot said...

If you're trying to buy their love all you gotta do is pack in one of those Hostess or Twinkie snacks. Nothing says love like the fast-track to heart attack:)

Eliza said...

Video of your awesome moves is a must! Then we can dance WITH you and all the good music you have.

Melanie J said...

Wow. I thought it was just my fourth grader that was getting ripped off all the time, but apparently life is unfair to ALL fourth graders. I don't know if it will make mine feel better, but for sure I'm going to let him know that he's screwed until the end of the school year.

Monica said...

If it was me I would just add it to my ever growing list of reasons my kids will need therapy someday.

T said...

oooh - I saw the pix of his finger on Facebook April - that WAS truly nasty (I especially liked the one of yer Hub laying on the floor...)

Why is it that a field trip means that the kid has to eat twice as much food and MUST have a plastic wrapped Hostess product with an expiration date at least 4 years hence?

oh - WV says aniblymm... Nibbly? Mmmm... as in a yummy treat - you have one very astute (in a creepy way) Word Verifier!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh my helk, you are not the worst mom, its me. Me I tell you. Well maybe April is in the running, leaving a bloody son for blog friends, I don't know. he he he and yes I am totally glad she did, it was too much fun.

My fourth grader often tells me how lame I am and especially in the lunch department. So we can have a whole big group of us. It is will be great with everyone.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh my helk, you are not the worst mom, its me. Me I tell you. Well maybe April is in the running, leaving a bloody son for blog friends, I don't know. he he he and yes I am totally glad she did, it was too much fun.

My fourth grader often tells me how lame I am and especially in the lunch department. So we can have a whole big group of us. It is will be great with everyone.

Sandi said...

It's those darn kids who use that PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE! Did you just run out of the room screaming about how they don't support you?

Tiffany said...

You have great parenting advice, I will always buy my kids love, no more home made lunches for them.

val of the south said...

I usually totally forget about field trip lunch until the morning of and they are stuck with pb&J on the heels of bread. And I try to convince them that dry cereal in a baggie is a treat!

On my daughters last field trip one of the boys brought the bottom quarter of a whole celery stalk. Like the part I throw in the garbage that has dirt attached. So you definitely love your kids more than that mom!

Mariko said...

I've missed you guys.
I'm in some sort of warpy land called Utah. It's messing with my blog groove. That and I don't have normal internet access.
I did just read all your posts.
You can tell your kids: One time, my mom made me a scrambled egg sandwich and put chinese mustard and ketchup on top of it. MMm Mmmm good.
If she had made me that lunch you just describe I would have been SOoooo happy. Especially the slushy lemonade part. In fact, you should make me that lunch.

Sandi said...

laughing my head off over the celery butt and Mariko's egg sandwich...I am feeling VERY good about my lunch making skills right at this moment. haha. I think you should make us ALL some slushy lemonade. I know WE would appreciate it!

Sandi said...

in fact you could make us slushy lemonade while you are shaking your groove thing! Hey this is sounding like a partayyy!

val of the south said...

Sandi, great term for it - celery butt - lol I couldn't think of what you call it!

Sandi said...

By the way, I certainly hope you invite poor little Miss Haley to our groove shakin' slush makin' partay- poor little thing with only a sandwich!
Good night!

IWA said...

So i know no one likes to be kicked when their down feeling like a loser.... so i'll just give you the low down on lunches at Laie elementary...

-Sandwich..(the popular kids always had balonga and cheese.. i always got tuna)
-can of juice (hawaiian sun frozen wrapped in newspaper, so it doesnt sweat on everything thing else when melting)
-dessert (usually some kind of hostess or loves bakery)
-fruit (that never gets eaten)
-chips (the big $1 kine!)

and those are the small lunches...

I think every kid just wants what everyone else has... On monday i made the best lunch for my 3rd grader who went to Bishop Museum..I gave her more than I ever had on any field trip! Chicken pita sandwich, chips, 3 cuties, bottle of water, mochy crunch, and lots of snacks to last her the whole night (they slept over) and she came home the next day and told me, she wished she had just bought a Lunchables!

Sorry Loser!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness, Iwa. I just read your comment to my kids and they all broke down about how neglected they have been their entire bag lunch life. I had no idea I was such a GINORMOUS loser mom and that my kids' primary love language is lunch.

They are all swapping stories about how everyone else always got like BIG bags of Cheetos and Oreos and 3 Gatorades and at least 3 musubis and rootbeers and they had like a little ham sandwich.

Poor things!

At least they don't get celery butts! That's what I should tell them. Ha ha Val. And Sandi, you're cracking me up tonight. As usual. Especially the Psychological Warfare comment. hahahahahahah

Mariko, I have MISSED YOU! What the what are you doing in UTAH? You should hook up with some peeps.

My only consolation is that I didn't leave my kid with a bloody thumb to go do lunch with Shelle, Pat and T. How rude, April. Now I'm going to add you on Facebook so I can see for myself what a bad mom you are.

Thanks for the therapy IWA. How much do my kids owe you?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness, my whole family is laughing so hard right now because they are going through the play by play of the lame-o lunch I made.

Apparently even worse than the itty bitty lunch was the fact that I put it in a little clear zip lock baggie so everyone could see it. I guess the whole 4th grade was like "HOLY CRAP, is that ALL you brought? A musubi and a muffin?"

And then my twins have been retelling their reaction when they first looked at the lunch this morning. There was no spontaneous combustion or hurkie kicks. Just chins hitting the floor and high hopes that I was at Foodland picking up some real food.

Oh, I am so out of the reality loop.

Martha said...

This sounds like a 4th grade problem. Nan had her lunch planned out for a week so she would be prepared. She made sure the rice was made a day ahead for her 2 (that's right two) musubis. She saved cheetos that I gave her from Easter, yes the dollar kind, plus Capri Sun and oreos. So guess what? It was way too much food and she couldn't finish it. She did it all herself because I guess she can't necessarily count on me.

Jim couldn't care less and I don't even know what he took.

I had to drive Josh to school today (he doesn't have a bus pass because Adam drives him) and on the way we saw all these mommys driving their babies to school. Even he commented that those kids were kind of babies. A senior (whose on the tennis team) has him mom make his lunch every single day because he's so picky. He is in for a big shock come fall when he's in college. What about his mission?

What I'm saying is you are a good mom because you don't spoil those guys rotten. Teach em to be tough and fend for themselves.

I am LoW said...

Once on St Patrick's Day my mom thought it would be neat to put green food coloring in the homemade bread she made and make our sandwiches with it. Instead I got laughed at for having moldy bread.


If it's not one thing.... it's your mother.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay... April does kinda have your with the bloody finger ditching so she could meet with US thing!!! And I love when Pat get's SOOOO excited that she posts the same thing TWICE!

But I have to say, my son told me after one day of home lunch from me that he would rather have cafeteria food!!!

If that isn't a low blow... I don't know WHAT is! :)

Hey... all you over here at Crash's... come to my site and tell your Dirty Secret... hehe!

What Mom isn't REALLY a desperate housewife amid all the "Seriously SO Blessed" aura's we put out!!!

Sandi said...

OHHH I hate it when my kids gang up on me and start talking story about how they are so neglected. Their number one gripe is when they see their old school photos and have a big melt down about how ugly their outfit was or how hideous their hair was (I swear they were adorable!) They just love to get together and make me feel like crap. It's not like I MEANT for my cute little girl to have a just kind of happened.
p.s. April is holding out on the toenail pics..I don't know where T saw them, but I can't find them anywhere!

T said...

Sandi - her son posted them on facebook - I'm sure they'll make their way to the Blogosphere eventually!

I'm over here laughing about celery butts...and the fact that when I was browsing through without reading closely I thought I saw Crash say

"At least my kids didn't get CeleBrITy Butts" - which made me slow down and re-read a little more carefully!

Youngblood4ever said...

I generally buy my kids' love. It is so much easier and I can get that extra 2.5 minutes of sleep.

Emily Anne Leyland ( Art-n-Sewl) said...

Oh my gosh... Crackin up here cause I can SO relate. Nothing I do is right for my Connor these days. Whateva. ;)
And no fair you and Alyson get to meet up. I'm so jealous!!!!!

wendy said...

What a cute story. It is always better to "buy their love" I have learned that over many years of experice (tee,hee) AND a mom isn't a REAL mom if she hasnt at one time thought she was so cool for her kids ---only to find out they wanted to brand us with the BIG L.
still happens to this day, only I do it to my grandkids, it is even more fun now ---I tell my 12 year old grandson, Your grandma is HOT huh Tyler. To which he just rolls his eyes.

Anjeny said...

LOL Sandi...that is why I never bother buying the school pics. No matter how many calenders I get my hands on and jotting down dates, my kids always managed to go to school looking like they just roll out of the dumpster on picture The last school pictures they did, my 6th grader was supposed to go dressed up in Sunday best but because he didn't bother to inform me on that one, he went to school looking like a bag boy and was one of the only three kids who didn't dress up for the picture. If I buy that picture, he's going to for sure demand that I start getting him to therapy. shouldn't feel so bad. I will go with Martha on this should probably tell your kids to start making their lunches for their field trip.

Last week my eight grader had a field trip, I was supposed to make him lunch but was running late so I thought I could actually get away with it by buying "poke" at Superett (sp?). We got there I realized I didn't have any cash on me and they don't take checks..the only cash I had on me was a dollar so I sent him off on his field trip with no lunch and a dollar bill that can't even buy a see? At least you made them slushy lemonade.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Well for goodness sakes, your commentors are wordy.

SWIRL said...

That is too funny! I didn't know the competition at lunch! But that explains why my kids begged that we stop at SUBWAY the night before and THEY bought their OWN sandwich meals to take to the field trip!

(how could I have said no? If only I had known they were trying to ONE-up people! I WOULD HAVE SAID- NO- you have to have a cold PBJ and stale unwanted bag of chips!)

DeNae said...

Loser moms, unite! I feed my kids just regularly enough to keep CPS from opening an investigation, but with 3 teens and a 'young adult' in the house, I've given up on regular "look how much I love you" meals. This way, the idea of moving back home with their unemployed girlfriend and pet boa constrictor will be a little less appetizing.

Ha! Appetizing! I slay me!

Funny Farmer said...

I am expecting a table dance at the Olive Garden in July. I'll even tuck cash in your waistband if you dare!